Chapter 1: The First Time
It had been a long night. Dan, in trying to blink the sleep away, ended up squeezing his eyes shut as tightly as possible while trying to hold his breath through the wave of panic that rolled through him. After a few cautionary breaths, he knew he had to get up. It was always worse when he lingered in bed. Besides, he had promised Phil not to sleep past midday so they could film a video and work on some of the editing together.
With a final deep, stabilizing breath, Dan dragged himself out of bed and stood still for a moment to regain his balance. Head rush of a tall person plus dizziness from lingering panic don't add up to the best equilibrium.
Phil was already pouring himself cereal when Dan walked into the kitchen. "Took you long enough! It's already 11:30, Dan, most of the morning's gone."
"I know, sorry."
"Bad night?"
The look on Dan's face was enough. Phil knew that last night must have been pretty bad—maybe the sequel to a few more from earlier in the week, judging by the bags under his eyes—and that Dan was trying to push it all away to have a normal, productive day. "Do you want some cereal?"
"Maybe later. What do you want to film?"
"You need to eat, Dan." He hadn't said anything for a few days, but he couldn't help it. It was hard to watch his friend nibble at the edges of his meals or skip them entirely. He was getting a little worried.
"I will, just… Not right now, ok?" Dan closed his eyes for a moment, leaning his back against the wall.
"If you promise you'll eat later."
"Yeah, yeah I will."
Something was really wrong. It had been a long time since Phil had seen Dan so… off. He decided to just keep an eye on him, and not pester him with questions just yet.
They were in the middle of filming a gaming video—in the middle of the day for once—when Phil noticed how fidgety Dan was. It almost looked like he was shaking. "Hey, Dan?"
"Sorry, hold on." Dan was already walking away by the time he finished the shaky reply. Phil, getting genuinely worried now, finally decided it would be best to follow him.
Dan had walked in the direction of his room, but when Phil tried to open the door, it was locked. That was weird; they never lock any doors in the house. It just doesn't seem worth the effort, and they always end up forgetting they locked it when the other wants to come in hours later. They practically have an open-door policy anyway. They've lived together for long enough now, they're pretty comfortable around each other.
Phil knocks hesitantly. "Dan? You locked the door." Nothing. "Um, can I come in?" He pressed his ear up against the door, but he still couldn't hear anything. "Dan? Are you ok?"
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and saw a text from Dan, "fine, one sec," so he sent a quick reply and walked back to turn off the camera and lights while they took this unexpected break.
About fifteen minutes later, Dan returned looking decidedly paler than normal, and quickly sat down to resume filming. Phil glanced over him but noticed nothing else out of the ordinary, so he decided to hold his tongue and just finish the video.
The editing process is always harder for Dan than filming. He knows he doesn't need to look as normal once the camera's off, but sitting in front of the video clips is much less distracting. He closes his eyes briefly as a sort of reset to help him focus.
"Tired?" Dan jumped at the sound of Phil's question and quickly moved to slow his breathing before his flat-mate noticed.
He looked up and faked a yawn, saying "Sorry, actually think I started dozing off for a second." Tired is always the easiest excuse. It's also always true. "Maybe I'll just go to bed."
"Really? It's only 8:30."
"Fuck," it was hardly more than a whisper. It felt like they had already been editing for hours, not just thirty minutes. "Oh… Wow, uh, maybe not then."
Phil just looked at him for a second. "Talk to me."
"What? I am talking to you. See this? Talking."
"Dan, you can always talk to me. About anything."
"Yeah. Yeah, I know."
"Then talk to me."
"No, no I'm fine. I'm-" Dan clamped his eyes shut. This was bad. "I'm. It's just." He forced himself to breathe normally. "Ok. I'm ok. I'm-" He gasped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, hey, it's me. Just me."
Dan shook his head, eyes still closed. "I'm fine. It's, I'm ok." He took a shallow, shaky breath.
"I'm right here, what do you need?" Phil was kneeling next to the chair now, one hand still gently squeezing Dan's shoulder.
"I'm-no, I'm fine, just." He was gasping now, and it was getting harder to talk.
"Whenever you're ready Dan, whatever you need." Phil offered his hand to guide Dan to the sofa, but his eyes were still closed. Phil gave Dan's shoulder another squeeze and whispered, "I'm right here. I just think the sofa might be more comfortable. You can talk to me Dan, but you don't need to. I'm here, ok? I'm not leaving."
Dan took a shaky breath and opened his tear-filled eyes to look at Phil. He nodded and grabbed Phil's hand like a lifeline.
Phil smiled and squeezed his hand as he started to stand up, keeping his other hand on Dan's shoulder to steady him as they shifted over to the sofa. "Ok, there we go. What can I do? Dan?" His whole body was visibly shaking now as he lay curled in a ball with his eyes closed again rapidly shaking his head back and forth. Phil was getting really worried now. He had never seen Dan this bad before. He reached over to put his hand back on Dan's now trembling shoulder. "Dan?"
Dan jerked away from the touch and suddenly he couldn't breathe. He curled in tighter on himself and kept violently shaking his head.
"Oh my god, Dan!" Phil pulled his hand away and realized his shout probably wasn't helping things, so he tried again in a quieter voice. "Dan, shh, it's just me. I'm here, it's me. It's ok. You're ok. Shh-" Suddenly Dan was curled into Phil's side, squeezing Phil's hand, and still breathing much too quickly. Nothing else mattered now, Phil just sounded safe and more than anything else, Dan needed to feel safe. "Ok, ok, I need you to breathe. Dan? Deep breaths with me. We're sitting on the sofa in our lounge in our flat in London. It's just me." Phil slowly moved the hand Dan had claimed until Phil's hand was holding it against his own calm, steady heartbeat. "Focus on me. Focus on my voice. I'm right here, right? Right here." Phil's other hand had migrated to Dan's shaking back and began rubbing slow circles.
"Phil-" Dan cringed at how utterly terrified he sounded. "Phil-"
"Shh, I'm right here, Dan. I'm here. It's ok. Can you breathe for me? We're just going to slow down and relax, ok? I'm staying right here. I'm not going anywhere, ok? Deep breaths, as deep as you can."
"Phil I can't, I-"
"Yes you can. I know you can. Breathe with me. Ready? Slow, deep breaths. It'll help; I promise."
Dan tightened his grip on Phil's hand until his knuckles turned white, but he could still feel Phil's heartbeat and hear his exaggerated deep breaths. He managed a few slower breaths before he gasped for air.
"Ok good, again now. Focus on me." Phil's free hand was now combing through Dan's hair, and he soon felt Dan's head on his shoulder, not shaking quite as badly anymore. "I'm here."
After about another ten minutes of this, Dan had finally slowed his breathing closer to normal and softened his death grip on Phil's hand. With another deep breath, he opened his eyes and started pulling away.
"Welcome back," Phil joked gently. He let Dan pull away for a little space, but stayed right next to him.
"Sorry." It was barely a whisper, but Phil was paying enough attention that he noticed anyway.
"Wait, what are you sorry for?"
"You weren't supposed to see that." He had his head in his hands now.
"Why?"
"It's just not fair to you. You don't need to deal with all this."
"All what? How long have you been having panic attacks, Dan?"
"It's fine. It doesn't matter."
"No no no, come on; talk to me. It matters to me."
"I don't want to put this on you."
"You're not putting anything on me, ok? Look at me for a sec?" Dan wiped some of the tears from his face before turning to Phil. "I hate that you're going through this. It's awful. It's not fair. But I want to help you, ok? Please don't keep me in the dark if there's anything I can do. Anything. Wake me up in the middle of the night; I don't care. I hate watching you hurting, but it's even worse if you're worried about sparing me when you're the one having a freaking panic attack, ok? And I want to talk more about this. Whenever you're ready. Come here." Phil was already pulling him into a hug. "I just want to help."
"Shit, Phil, the editing… Didn't you want that up tonight?"
"Really? After all this time, you think our fans will be surprised if they have to wait an extra day or two for a video? We don't exactly have a regular upload schedule."
Dan chuckled at that. "I think I'll have that cereal now."
"Oh, uh…" Phil's guilty look said it all.
"You didn't. You did not finish my cereal Phillip Michael Lester."
"I did, but I also bought you more before you woke up this morning so you wouldn't be out."
"Wait… You went to the store before I was even up? What's gotten into you, Philly?"
"Well… It's just, you weren't really eating. And, well, I really wanted some cereal, ok?"
"You finished it in the middle of the night, didn't you?"
"I was hungry! Have you tried dry cereal as a midnight snack; it's great!"
"I should've known." Dan was shaking his head with a smile on his face.
"Well, I guess we're even then."
"Even?"
"Yeah. I ate your cereal, but I think you broke my hand!"
Dan playfully hit Phil's arm before getting up for some cereal.
"Ow! Now you broke my arm too!"
"Oh, shut up." Phil smiled at the successful bants and followed Dan to the kitchen to make sure he ate the cereal.
"You wanna talk about it?" Dan clearly hadn't slept well since that day, but hadn't really brought it up.
Dan didn't look up from the jacket zipper he was playing with. "Just not sleeping I guess."
"Insomnia or anxiety?"
Dan made a noncommittal noise and shifted deeper into the sofa crease.
"Both?" Phil inched his way a little closer to Dan.
After quickly glancing up at the sudden movement and back to the zipper, Dan nodded. "Sometimes it's just bad for awhile."
"So what do you do?"
"Wait."
"You just wait it out? How long?"
"Depends. Days or weeks mostly."
"Weeks? How could you hide this from me for weeks?"
"Spend a lot of time in my room. Joke about staying up too late on Tumblr if I didn't get up until mid afternoon. Complain about a headache or something to justify editing in quiet darkness."
Phil closed his eyes for a moment to process this. "How bad is it right now?"
"Exhaustion or anxiety?"
"Both, I guess."
"I've had worse."
"That doesn't really answer my question, Dan."
"I guess I don't know how to explain it. It's kind of… all over the place."
"So if one is lowest anxiety you've ever had and five is the panic attack from the other day…?"
"Four."
"Right now?"
"Yeah."
"Anything I can do?"
Dan had his eyes shut now and seemed to be trying to shift his focus away from the zipper in favor of his friend. "Can we stop talking about this?"
"I'm just trying to understand."
"No, I know. Just… It's hard to talk about. Hard to… think about." Dan squeezed his eyes tighter and took a steadying breath.
"Do you trust me?" Dan hesitated for a moment before meeting Phil's eyes and shakily nodding. "My room or yours?"
Dan looked confused, but Phil's room sounded brighter and much more separate from the last several panicked nights in his own bed. "Yours…?"
"Ok, let's go." Phil had already offered a hand to Dan who accepted it as he stood. Phil steadied him as he swayed just slightly and then walked hand in hand with him until they reached the colorful bed. Phil crawled onto the opposite side and pulled Dan onto the bed next to him. Dan was already leaning on Phil's shoulder as they sat on the still-made bed by the time he realized the plan.
"Wait, Phil, I'm fine, really."
"Cool, then it won't bother you to sit here with me for awhile. You know, we really don't talk much anymore." Phil had a sly grin on his face by the time he finished.
"Don't talk? You're the only person I ever talk to!"
"True, but I'm sure we'll think of something we haven't talked much about…" Dan was shaking his head now. "Dan, this is a safe place. I just want you to feel like you can talk to me. About anything. You matter to me, and anything going on in that massive brain of yours matters to me too."
"I know, it's just…" Dan couldn't meet Phil's eyes anymore. "It's too much. I… Fucking shit. Ok, I just-" He suddenly had a death grip on the bed sheets until Phil took his hand. "I hate this."
"Ok, ok, shh." Phil clearly hadn't expected this to escalate so quickly. "Slow down. What can I do?"
"I… I want it to stop. Phil-" Dan's breathing was having a race with his words and he couldn't tell which was winning.
"I know, I know. What makes it stop? Dan?"
"No. Nothing. It- It doesn't stop. I can't- god I can't breathe."
Phil was trying to place what it was that bothered him about this—other than the obvious—when it hit him. Dan wasn't swearing anymore. It was almost like he couldn't spare the breath. "Is laying down better?" Dan violently shook his head as his breathing continued to race towards hyperventilating. "Ok, then, do you want space?" Phil wasn't sure that Dan hadn't simply continued shaking his head in answer to the previous question, but he pulled him closer anyway.
Dan buried his head in Phil's t-shirt. "Phil-"
"Right here." Suddenly Phil felt Dan's entire body tense and it looked like he was trying to squirm away as his speed breathing hit a new record. "Ok, ok, shhh, what's wrong? Dan? I need you to talk to me, ok? Dan?"
"Can't- Can't breathe. Phil-" There was whimpering mixed in with the hyperventilating now.
Phil was confused about how this was newsworthy considering the circumstances until he realized Dan probably felt like the shirt was suffocating him. "Ok, here, better?" he checked as he slowly shifted Dan's head further from his chest, but Dan further tensed at the movement and jerked back towards Phil. "I'm here; I'm here, just making sure you can breathe better, ok? Can I turn you around a bit?" Dan shook his head into Phil's chest between his two hands that were gripping Phil's shirt as if to confirm he was still there. "Ok, that's ok. Can you breathe for me?" Phil closed his eyes in worry when Dan shook his head again, this time also able to feel the tears soaking into his shirt.
Dan kept trying to say Phil's name through his tears and gasping and seemed to be trying to move impossibly closer to the safety Phil represented. "Please-" he wheezed.
"Yeah?"
"Phil-" His body tensed again as he curled closer in on himself and Phil.
"I'm here. Right here. I just want to move us around a bit so it's easier for you to breathe, ok?" Dan didn't respond, so Phil decided that was the closest he'd come to permission and started propping Dan up a bit to turn his face away from his chest.
"No! Phil- Phil." Dan was fighting the movement and thrashing around until he felt his cheek back against Phil's chest, an arm around him, and fingers carding through his hair.
"Shh, all done now. Better? I'm right here Dan, not going anywhere."
Dan kept his eyes tightly shut and his grip on Phil's shirt as his breathing continued to race, but he wasn't as tense anymore. Between his sheer exhaustion and Phil's physical and verbal comfort, Dan soon fell asleep.
Dan opened his eyes to darkness. The first thing he knew was that he was alone. The second thing he knew was this wasn't his bed. Sitting up slowly, Dan tried to relax as he remembered he was in Phil's room, but Phil wasn't next to him anymore. He reached to the bedside table for his phone or laptop, but realized he hadn't brought either with him. He moved to sit up, realizing he was under the duvet somehow. He jumped out of the bed and backed towards the door when it suddenly opened behind him.
"Dan do you want any- Oh!" Phil dropped the bowl of—thankfully dry—cereal in surprise, having assumed Dan was still asleep.
"Phil, god, Phil the bed… I swear I didn't- I don't know how I got under the duvet."
"Oh, I do. I pulled it over you. You must have been pretty exhausted, because even that didn't wake you up. Oh, and you've been out for seven hours."
"Seven?!" Dan reached for the wall to support him.
"Almost eight, actually. I bought more cereal!" Phil positively grinned at this announcement.
Dan clenched his fists. "Fuck."
"Dan? What… What did I say?" Phil stepped over the scattered cereal closer to Dan.
"I won't sleep."
"What? You just got like a whole night of sleep."
"Exactly. I won't sleep tonight."
"So go on Tumblr until you're tired, and get back into a good rhythm tomorrow…?"
"Phil… When I'm caught up on sleep, I tend to spend the next few nights panicking instead of sleeping."
"The whole night?"
"Pretty much. I'll get an hour or two, but it's restless sleep."
"Anything that helps?"
"Sleep. While I'm asleep—even if I dream about panicking—it's not as intense as when I'm awake."
"Ok I have an idea. We'll film a gaming video after dinner and then a baking video after that. Then we could do some editing or watch anime and definitely eat popcorn either way until we can watch the sunrise. Then we'll make pancakes. We don't even have to film it unless you want to. Oh! I bought toppings, too. So pancakes, anime, we can edit together, maybe do a spontaneous we-stayed-up-all-night live show if we're feeling funny. By eight or nine tomorrow night, we'll be exhausted for sure. Then we'll sleep. Deal?"
Dan laughed. "To help me sleep, you propose an all nighter?"
"Well… yeah!" Phil's grin was back, and it was contagious.
"As long as you clean up all this cereal from my floor."
"It's my floor!"
"Oh yeah. Well you spilled it!"
"Fine, I'll clean it up if you'll eat something every time I say so during our all nighter."
"Deal."
