The Shinon Chronicles
Author's note: Since the completion of Whims of Fate, the author has realized that he is, in essence, a major Fire Emblem fanboy. Thus, he realized that, in order to lighten up his mood, it would be a good idea to write a humor fic regarding Fire Emblem, since his current Dynasty Warriors and Golden Sun fics are meant to be depressing (as of this writing), so, therefore, he hereby presents the official sequel to Axed . Now with Broadway Musical parodies and new tasks for the Shinon Mercenaries to complete! As well as a new band of frequent villians!
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In the year 647 AD, the Crimean national hero, Ike, lost control of the famed Greil Mercenaries. Showing his blatant incompetence to his subordinates, Ike convinced them that he was unqualified for the role as the leader of the Greil Mercenaries. Shinon, the primary leader for the rebellion against Ike, succeeded in defeating Ike in the civil war between members of the Greil Mercenaries and their allies. Thus, when the dust settled, Shinon took control of the Greil Mercenaries, and renamed it with the immortal title as the Shinon Mecenaries!
In the days after Shinon's successful coup, Soren and Lethe, along with many of the other laguz and a few beorc heroes, left the Shinon Mercenaries to continue their lives elsewhere.
Chapter 1: Too Much Work
The Mercenary Fort has always stood for years. Ever since Greil forced Oscar, Boyd, Titania, Gatrie, Shinon, and (unfortunately) Rhys to build the Fort, it has stood through a seige, through Ike's sword practice, through Mist's laser blasts (as she trained with Ragell), and through constant bombardments after some intense drinking games...
"Shinon! We'll need more funds for our food supplies!" Titania announced one morning.
"What could have happened?" Shinon asked, still half asleep from last night's events.
"Due to your massive drinking spree with Gatrie and Tauroneo last night, we've drained our resources."
"Titania, dearest, are you certain that I had something to do with this?" Tauroneo yawned.
"Yes, honey, now be the honorable knight that you are and do your duty in finding a way for us to earn money." Titania replied.
"Well, we are a mercenary band, so we should start performing some tasks for people. That's our most obvious source of income."
"Aw, you think we should work?!" Shinon groaned at Tauroneo.
"Of course. Why do we call ourselves a Mercenary company if we aren't going to work?"
"But... But... Fine! Everyone, we're going to go to work!" Shinon exclaimed.
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An hour later, our heroes found themselves wandering about. An old lady walked up to them. "Sir... Sir! My kitten has been trapped in a tree. Can you help save it?" The old lady asked the Mercenaries.
"For how much?" Asked Shinon.
"What? Oh, thirty gold coins."
"Deal! Everyone, we're going to save that kitten!"
And so, the Shinon Mercenaries went to complete their first task: Saving an old lady's kitten.
Sure enough, the old lady wasn't lying. The kitten was sitting on a branch of a tall tree.
"Well, it's a tree, and I'm holding an axe, so I should cut the tree down." Boyd smiled, thinking that, for once, he had a good thought.
"Are you an idiot?!" Oscar shouted at his brother. "If we cut down the tree, the kitten might get crushed!"
So, for a good half an hour, the Shinon Mercenaries debated on how to save the kitten.
Then, a new recruit named Leonardo spoke up: "You know, we could just shoot the branch the kitten is sitting on. The branch will fall, and the kitten will hop on the ground. Once the kitten is on the ground, we've practically saved it."
"But won't you end up shooting the kitten?" Gatrie cocked his head to one side.
"Not if you aim properly." Leonardo replied.
"Ok, then, Leonardo, let's try your tactic... Um... I'm lazy, Leonardo, you do it!" Shinon ordered.
"Alright..." Leonardo aimed his bow, and was about to fire, when suddenly, a rock hit the back of his head.
"What the?" Leonardo turned around.
A group of kids appeared. A few were carrying slingshots, yet they were standing in the archer and sniper poses. Some kids were carrying short sticks, crabhammers, and long sticks. This group of kids approached the Shinon Mercenaries.
"Who are you?" Shinon demanded.
"We're the Bratty Bunch!" A kid holding a short stick replied.
"Awww..." Marcia squealed. "He's so cute!"
"I'm not cute, woman!"
"Woman?! Woman! You brat!" Marcia snarled as she twirled her lance.
"I think that was the point of their name..." Zihark sighed.
"As the Bratty Bunch, our horomones tell us not to let you save that kitten, and we must obey those horomones, right, guys?!" The leading brat asked.
"RIGHT!" The rest of the Bratty Bunch answered.
"Everyone, they're kids, albiet bratty. We can't kill them." Tauroneo spoke.
Every member of Shinon's party automatically learned the skill Discipline!
(Player Phase)
The Sninon Mercenaries began their attack on the Bratty Bunch. Many of these short kids were quickly knocked out, but the Bratty Bunch outnumbered the Shinon Mercenaries, so the battle would take a while.
(Partner Phase)
The kitten ran around on its branch, a bit worried now that it was still stuck.
(Enemy Phase)
The Bratty Bunch began their moves. Nine kids ran at Boyd with their crabhammers and short sticks and began to torture the poor fighter.
"I HATE KIDS!" Boyd began to burst into song. (1.)
"We hate kids... We hate kids... They're real pains... Real pains... I'd just wanna smack one on the 'ead... An' dropkick one to bed... I hate kids... We hate kids..." Shinon and Boyd were merrily singing.
The Bratty Bunch, quite annoyed with Shinon and Boyd being off key, raised their weapons and charged.
Boyd swung his axe at the kids, forcing them to step back. Shinon fired his arrows, taking them down one by one.
Finally, after a long and grueling battle, the Shinon Mercenaries defeated the Bratty Bunch, and Leonardo fired his arrow, allowing the kitten to safetly enter the old lady's hands.
"Here's your thirty coins..." The old lady handed Shinon the money.
"Cheap beer for everyone!" Shinon cheered.
"Oh no, you don't!" Titania snarled, her face contorting into a fearful sneer. "You have to give me that money, so that I can spend it on..."
"Drugs?" Stefan asked merrily. (2.)
"Sword powder?" Mia piped up.
"Arrows?" Asked Rolf.
"Makeup?" Mist inquired.
"Food?" Marcia asked inquisitively. She started to crawl close to Titania, with a slight drool from her mouth.
Titania slowly backed away from Marcia. "Yes, food."
"I love you!" Marcia darted forwards and grabbed Titania's right leg.
"Um, thanks..." Titania looked down at her uneasily.
"Food!" Ilyana squealed.
"Food!" Half of the men of the Shinon Mercenaries cheered.
"FUDZ!" Boyd laughed.
Everyone started staring at him.
"Um, food..." He looked around. The others turned and continued cheering.
Yes, food, the greatest of human pleasures, was what Titania was going to spend the money on.
And so, the Shinon Mercenaries completed their first job: saving an old lady's kitten. As their reward, they spent all their money again... So, they had to go do another task, but what kinds of tasks awaited them?
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1. My math teacher in ninth grade used to sing us this song as he watched us work. He'd take out a guitar, and sing: "I hate kids" in a country-style accent. It was funny, and, yet, considering we were kids, we weren't that appreciative of it... But, as I look back, it was quite funny!
2. Back then, crushing an herb and sniffing it would be considered a 'drug,' and such drugs would actually not have good effects on your body. To tell the truth, I always thought that Stefan was on drugs...
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