Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. There I said it…sniff…I have banned myself in adding anyone to this story… You have to know the game pretty well to know what I'm talking about in this story. Otherwise, it's just plain funny.
FINAL FANTASY VII – THE REMIX
Chapter 1 – The Attack on Reactor No. 1
Long, long ago, in a galaxy far away…"HEY! Get me another beer!" Barret pounded the bar and fired a couple of shots into the air.
"I want my money… When are we going? I thought we were supposed to wait for five minutes and then go in…" Cloud stared at the drunk psycho sitting next to him.
"It's alright! One more drink can't hurt…" He collapsed onto the ground.
"God dammit Barret! Now I'll never get my money!" He kicked Barret's still form.
Cloud ran out of the place. The bartender stared pitifully at the dumb drunkard.
"Jesse! Where do I go!"
"CLOUD! WHERE WERE YOU! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AN HOUR AGO! WHERE'S BARRET!"
"Drunk." Cloud stated and ran in.
They set the bomb. Suddenly the Guard Scorpion attacked him.
"SHIT!"
The scorpion attacked ruthlessly.
"CURSE YOU BARRET!" Cloud shouted because he knew that Barret would be a big help at the moment.
"We'll help you Cloud!" Jesse, Biggs, and Wedge join the fight. (something you don't get to do in the other game!)
Jesse took out a gun and fired at the machine. Biggs grabbed a mace and hammered away at the armor. Wedge took out a broadsword and charged in with Cloud. They defeated it in no time.
"Let's get the hell out of here!"
They dashed away as the reactor core erupted into nuclear flames. Cloud ran one way while the others took off in different directions.
"OW!"
Cloud ran into a young girl as she was crossing the road.
"Are you okay?"
"Um… yeah"
"You better get out of here."
"Why? Has something happened?"
"The reactor's blown up. Old age." He explained. Then, noticing the flower basket, said, "Can I get one of those?"
"Sure, it's 243,275,092,834,754 gil."
"HOLY SHIT!"
"Just kidding… It's only one gil."
"Oh… heh…" Cloud took the flower, paid, and ran off.
He boarded the train.
"I wonder why there hasn't been any soldiers…" Jesse mused.
Everyone was silent for a few seconds. Then it dawned on all of them.
"BARRET!"
Elsewhere
A Shinra soldier ran up to his partner.
"Shit man, the reactor's been blown up. There're dead bodies everywhere. We've got to find the culprits or we'll be taken for Hojo's experiments."
The other soldier shuddered.
"Let's check in the pub. That's where they usually hide."
"What are you talking about?"
"Didn't they do that in FF8?"
"Yes, but it hasn't been created yet and how do you know we're in a game?"
"I dunno… it just came to me… … … huh? … wha? … We're in a game? … What in the world is FF8?"
"Hmmm…I could've sworn we were just talking about it…"
"Let's just check in this pub…"
Ragnarok: Heh…author mindwipes… best thing ever created…
"Hey! There's a guy here!"
"Isn't he that psycho that said he was an avalanche or something?"
"Now I remember…"
Flashback…
Barret had gotten drunk again… The president was on stage giving a speech about the benefits of the reactors."And, so, as you can see…" He concluded.
Suddenly, Barret jumps onto the stage.
"LISTEN UP hic YOU LAZY hic BUMS! I'M BARRET! hic I'M AVALANCHE'S LEADER! hic YOU ALL BETTER hic STOP… hic doing…" He falls on his face.
"Dammit. He's just given away our group name and stopped our presidential assassination plan…" Jesse groaned.
Wedge drags Barret off walks up to the mike.
"Um…So sorry people…my friend here is a little touched in the head…he doesn't know what he's saying…sorry for the interruption…"
He dragged Barret offstage.
End of Flashback
"Let's just take him…"
Later
They dragged the unconscious Barret out of the pub. Minutes later, the rest of Avalanche bursts into the pub.
"DAMN! I told you we should've jumped out of the windows!"
"Yeah and be killed by the slipstream…"
"And using the door is any different!"
"Guys, Barret's gone…"
"Bah, who cares? He was always getting in the way…"
"What about his daughter?"
"We'll tell her that her father had to go on a business trip to…oh…I dunno…Wutai…"
"Whatever."
"Let's get out of here…"
Shinra Building
"Tell me where Avalanche is." Hojo prodded Barret with a scalpel.
"Never, you jackass!"
"Very well. I will just have to do some experiments…"
He sliced open Barret's chest and started to add in small bits here and there. Every once and a while, he say, "oops…" and attempt to put back a piece. All the while, Barret stared in horror. This continued for about five minutes.
"WHAT THE HELL! GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU SICK BASTARD!" Barret struggled violently causing blood to spray everywhere.
"Calm down little experiment…" Hojo said calmly. "You'll lose lots of blood… oops…"
"GRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Sector 7 Slums
"Where daddy?"
"He had to go to Wutai on a business trip."
"WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"Um…here, I got a flower for you."
"FLOWER!" The little girl squealed and snatched the delicate plant. "YUM!"
"What the…"
Marlene popped the flower into her mouth and chewed it up. Green juice from the stem oozed down her chin. Cloud gingerly inched back a couple steps.
"Okay… 0.o;; "
Tifa picked Marlene up.
"Isn't she so cute?"
"Umm… sure whatever."
"Don't you just want to hold her?
"HELL NO! KEEP THAT FREAK OF NATURE AWAY FROM ME!"
"Cloud, no cussing! There's a kid around!"
"Cloud. Come down to the basement." Jesse gestured for him to follow.
"Okay."
They headed downstairs.
"Here's your pay."
"Thanks."
"If you could stick around, we're attacking the next reactor tomorrow."
"Sure, as long as I get money! Yay!(skips around kissing his hard earned cash)"
the next morning
"Let's go."
"I'm coming too this time!" Tifa ran out of the bar.
"Sure. Since Barret's gone, we'll need more help." (they don't care about Barret…)
They ran inside, set the bomb and everything.
"Something's wrong…" Tifa said as they ran out of the chamber.
"HELLO CHUMPS!" A voice roared over a helicopter's blades.
They all whirled around to see the president of Shinra glaring at all of them.
"I see you are trying to destroy another one of my precious money-makers…er…I mean…Mako Reactors…"
The team stares in silence. The reactor explodes.
"DAMN IT ALL! NOOOOO! MY MONEY…er MAKO-REACTOR!" Then, lifting his head to the sky screamed, "WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!"
The team edges away from the president. After a while, he stopped screaming.
"Any ways… Die! Meet my deadly attacker!"
"Is it a flying robot that we could defeat in two seconds…"
"NO! MEET YOUR DEAR FRIEND! BARRET!"
A slobbering monster trooped out and lumbered towards them.
"Eww… Is that Barret!"
"What…You aren't afraid!
"No…"
"But you have to attack your own friend…"
The team bursts out laughing. The Barret monster looks confused.
"Grr… UNTIL NEXT TIME!"
The president flew off in the helicopter. The Barret creature lunged. Tifa's strong kick sent him into the nuclear flames of the recently exploded reactor.
"Phew! Let's go."
Cloud was still laughing. He laughed so hard that he tumbled over the edge of the railing. Laughter turned to a high-pitched girly scream as he plummeted a hundred feet down into the gloom.
"CLOUD!" Tifa attempted to jump after him.
"He'll be okay. Let's go!" Jessie led Tifa away.
They left the burning reactor and went back to the hideout.
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Was that funny as hell or what! Stay tuned for another chapter coming when I get time to write. In the mean time READ AND REVIEW!
