Rating: M

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: NY or any of the characters. The story and Zeth, Ava and Calista Bonasera are all my work and also Johnny.

AN: I'm back earlier than I anticipated. I just wanted to put it out now to see how everyone reacts. It's in Stella's POV, but I might add Mac's in once in a while. Please, review! J

When All Is Lost, What Remains?

You don't appreciate some things until they're gone. It leaves you in pain and an ache in your heart that is unbearable.

What if you didn't know they existed? They end up being taken away from you. In a blink of an eye; a beat of your heart and each breath you take, is another minute wasted on your part. You'd try to save them, but you might be too late. You would see them lying there, in the worst way imaginable. You'd tell them you loved them and that you were sorry you were too late. But that's not me.

-------------

I'm Stella Bonasera-Taylor. I'm 35 years old and I'm married to the most incredible guy alive; Mac Taylor. I've learned a lot in my lifetime. I know now that I can't trust many people. I've been backstabbed so many times. I can only trust my close friends and my husband. I've been pushed down, beaten, kicked, underappreciated, used and many other words to that nature.

The biggest one is love. I've loved before and I've lost before. Let me explain…

Frankie Mala

He seemed pretty nice. I guess that was just his mask that concealed the truth behind himself. I met him at an art gala and the attraction started from the moment he said 'Hello'.

Then it turned deadly…fast. I needed a break from him. He needed me too much. Frankie called me 10 times a day asking me how I was and that he was sorry…for what, I don't know. He gave me a really nice sculpture one day. He called it ARESANOB. I looked it up and I was shocked to see what I discovered.

A website…with a sex tape of me and him was streaming there. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was revolted, disgusted, offended and betrayed. Then I saw the real Frankie. I now knew that he was obsessed with me. I had to end it then and there. When you do those kinds of things, it's only normal to tell your partner on what you're planning to do. Even if he did tell me, I wouldn't have participated and I definitely didn't want it on the internet. That's crossing the line for me.

Now, that wasn't the worst of it. I came home one night after shopping. I set my bags by the door and I didn't believe it. Frankie was there in my house! I never invited guys over to my place, just in case nothing bad happened and I could have somewhere to hide and to escape. Now, I had no escape. I was trapped. I had no time to turn back. He grabbed me and tied me up. Now there was nowhere to run or hide. There was no way out.

I escaped and I was going to shoot him. He grabbed it out of my hands and tried to shoot me. I thought my life was over but he certainly didn't know how to shoot a gun. I had the gun in my hands. He was coming at me. It was the moment of truth.

He was going to kill me. I had no other choice but to kill him. It was self-defense. That is the only way I would shoot somebody. Either in self-defense or they were a cold-blooded killer. Before I knew it, 3 bullets flew into his chest and he was dead. I killed him.

I would've never shot someone I loved; at least I thought I loved Frankie. All I feel for him now is hate and anger. The only good thing that happened was that he was out of my life for good; forever. It hurts me to have to think of that night. All it caused me was unwanted pain and suffering for years to come. I really think that's enough of him now. Now, let me explain the brighter days of my life.

Mac Taylor

Oh, what to say about Mac? I loved him from the start. He was with Claire then but I still loved him. He was the first guy I actually trusted. We had a couple of fights but at the end of each day, we made up. When I look back now, I don't think I could live without Mac; it's like I didn't exist without him here. He's been there for me many times and I've been there for him and I will continue to be.

I'm really glad he has stuck around. I've learned a lot from him and he's a wonderful guy. He kept me happy when others couldn't; he still does. Now I'm married to him. Life couldn't be better for me or him; for us. He's the right man for me and I'm the right woman for him.

We took a wonderful vacation to Jamaica. It was the perfect place to just unwind and get away from all the crime and noise in NY for a while but not forever; New York is our home. Mac proposed to me on the beach. I was so shocked but so happy at the same time. My fairytale was coming true. We had an intimate ceremony with our friends; Danny, Lindsay, Flack, Sam, Hawkes, Kendall, Adam and even little Lucy.

But something not so happy or intimate happened; it was more terrifying and heart-stopping at the most. The guy that Lindsay and I saw on the beach, who we called Speedo Man, was standing right in front of me. His blue eyes stared into mine. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. I swear, I must've stopped breathing for a few moments and all of the blood must have drained and left my body. I felt uneasy; scared. He seemed pretty normal but he wasn't. It was like who knew everything about me and Mac. He even knew how Mac followed me to Greece. It all didn't make sense. I had no idea what he wanted.

I was staring into the eyes of a psycho and a stalker. The more I weakened; his bright, devilish smile grew bigger. I was stronger than to break down in front of him. I'm stronger than that. I thought it was over. Now, I know it will never be over. Mac and I were about to leave for the beach one last time before heading home, when we saw something strange. It was a bottle full of sand that said 'Look Inside'. My heart pounded furiously and I was so angry. It looked harmless but I knew it couldn't be and I had a weird feeling to. A feeling that Speedo Man aka Johnny, had something to do with this.

Rage flowed through my veins. I wanted Johnny gone. I wish he would've just disappeared the moment I saw him. I threw the bottle off of the balcony and I ran for my life. When I got to where the bottle smashed or where all the fragments lay, all I saw was sand and a piece of paper. I picked up the piece of paper; it was a letter. It was addressing me and I wasn't shocked to see who it had been written by…Johnny of course.

He was threatening me once again. He told me his name and boy, was I shocked!

Johnny Mala

Well, if he said that from the start, I would've known he was crazy. I also knew he was watching me at my wedding. Johnny told me I have a family. Me…having a family? I never knew I had anyone related to me and now everything just felt real. He wants me to pay! He wants to kill me and who knows what else.

Then, when we got back from Jamaica, we were at Mac's place when we got another letter. I had a feeling it was coming. We went back to the lab and processed the bottle, just in case. 4 prints came off of the bottle; Johnny, I knew that. The other 3 were my parents and sister.

I had a feeling that this letter was going to be more painful than the last one. I was definitely right. Johnny told me I would get what I deserved. How would he know anyway? Unless that bastard Frankie told him everything, so much for privacy, right?

Soon, it was time to read the letter. He said he would take out the next best thing if he couldn't get me; my sister Calista. He also tells me that sacrifices are going to be made

I'm pretty sure he just wants me dead…I'm pretty sure of that. He said he can do whatever he wants to me in exchange of letting my family go.

Now, we're back in the present. Mac and I are heading back to his place now. It was starting to drizzle and now it was a hard pour. The droplets smashed like broken pieces of glass onto my windshield but surprisingly, it was soothing to me. At the stoplight, I rolled down my window and stuck my hand out. The sky was a charcoal gray; it seemed very depressing in New York today. Everyone was running with their umbrellas, even some people without and they were trying to get to their destination. Their clothes were soaking wet as they waited for taxis.

I saw Mac glance at me every few moments. He must be worried sick about me. The clock reads 7:39 PM now. Time keeps ticking and I feel like I'm wasting time but there isn't anything I can do at point. All I can do now is to wait and it sucks.

Mac watched me with watchful, stressful eyes.

"It's going to be fine, Stell," Mac said happily and rubbed my hand. Yes, I can drive one-handed. I clenched his hand tightly and kept my head forward and stared blankly at the stoplight. "They're going to be fine."

"How can you be sure though?" I shot back at him angrily. "He can be throwing their dead bodies into a dumpster for all I know!" I cried out emotionally.

I just wish I could bring every cop that lives in NY to wherever he's keeping my family and arrest him for good but he said I have to come alone…I have a bad feeling about this.

"You don't know that, Stella," Mac reassured me with a smile. I threw a fake smile at him. He noticed that too. "Maybe once we leave the bottle out, he'll give us another clue."

I'm pretty sure Mac didn't see what Johnny wrote to me. I think it's time to tell him.

"Maybe I don't, but…" I paused briefly. I finally made eye contact with him now. "He wants me to come alone."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the letter and handed it to him.

Mac's face was shocked and angry at the same time. I even think he was snarling under his breath.

"I can't let you do this alone, Stella. He'll kill you!" Mac screamed at me. His tone didn't hurt me much because I was already hurting inside. I'd have to sacrifice myself to this disgusting pig in order to save my family and they're counting on me.

"He said that's what he wanted and that's what he's going to get." I said to Mac as I pulled into his parking spot in front of his apartment.

"Stella, you don't have to give up. I'll get the whole NYPD to catch him!" Mac explained to me angrily. I stopped the car and stared at him.

"I can't believe you would say I'm giving up. I'm being brave and responsible. If I send the whole department after him…god, this guy's frustrating." I yelled and pounded the horn and the people on the street looked at me like I was crazy. Who knows? Maybe I lost half of my brain cells already.

Mac got out of the car and ran over and opened the door for me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the car. We walked into the building and started walking up the 4 flights of stairs. I don't know why we didn't take the elevator.

"Stella, I can't let him hurt you," Mac said to me while he held my hand tightly. "We have time. He isn't going to hurt your family or you even, okay?"

"Okay." is all I said. I really didn't want to talk about it anymore and I really didn't want to get the other letter in a way, because I'm so afraid of what it might say now.

We made it up the flights of stairs and we made it to his apartment. He took out his key and unlocked the door. I was the first in and I kicked off my flip-flops. I never realized how painful they are to wear.

Mac got undressed and changed into a blue tank top and shorts. I just stood their watching him undress. I have to admit, I have a very sexy husband. I walked over to his refrigerator and took out 2 bottles of water. I walked over to him with the bottles in my hands.

"Thank you." he said happily and pulled me in for a kiss. It felt so good when I kissed him. It's like I'm in another world away from all the stress, like in Jamaica. Well, for most of the trip at least.

"You're welcome, darling," I said as I hugged him tightly and spelled his cologne. It smelled like Old Spice. "Mac, do you think we can go back to my place? I want to get a couple of things. I'll probably stay here for a while before I move anything out."

He smiled that incredible smile that made me melt.

"Of course you can. Let's go." Mac said happily and we walked out.

-------

I had 3 different apartments in the last 5 years. The first apartment where the blackest moment of my life happened was too dark for me to even step in again after the incident. My second apartment was burned in a fire. There was no way I could stay there again. My third apartment has been much better than all my other 2 apartments combined. Mac's apartment is 2 times bigger than mine so I'm pretty sure I'm going to move in with him.

I walked over to my dresser and pulled out the 2 best pairs of pants and shorts I owned and threw them into a bag. I went to turn around and leave when Mac grabbed my face and pulled me into a kiss. I kissed him for a minute until I needed a breath.

"Whoa, what was that about?" I asked him patiently and sat down on my bed.

"I just wanted to kiss you." he replied to me and sat next to me.

"I was thinking, that maybe I can move out soon and move in with you. Your apartment is bigger for the both of us anyway." I said to him and rubbed his thigh.

"Yeah, whenever we have free time, we can move you out." Mac said with a smile.

"Thanks baby. So, where were we?" I asked him and I knew where it was going to go so I slipped off my shirt and shorts. It felt good to get them off. Mac removed his shirt and shorts as well. Soon we were passionately having sex and it was about 30 minutes later when it slowed down.

"Oh, Stell, that was great." Mac said while trying to catch his breath.

I rolled over and grinned at him.

"Oh, you were better than me. You are a beast." I said to him with a laugh.

"Thank you, but I think we should get going now. It's getting late." Mac said to me sadly and he got up and get dressed. I did the same and soon we were off to his place again and then it was time to do what I've been dreading all night. I had to put the bottle outside the door and wait for Johnny to respond.