Elliot walked into Dr. Huang's office, almost a month to the day that the hospital had released him. At that time Huang had said he would review Elliot's inactive status in a month, so today it was time for the verdict. Over the past month, Elliot had been dutifully attending sessions with Dr. Huang to talk about the abduction and torture that had landed Elliot in the hospital. Eager to hear that he would no longer be sitting behind his desk all the time, Elliot arrived early for this meeting.
"Hi, Elliot; come in. How are you doing today?"
"Good. Feeling stronger. I think I'm pretty much recovered."
"Are you sleeping any better?"
Elliot considered lying, but decided against it.
"Not really. It's like I never can get to sleep entirely. I sort of drift, half-awake. I'm okay during the day, though."
"I'm sure it will get better; give it a little more time. I see you have your cane." Huang gestured towards the staff leaning against the chair where Elliot sat. Elliot had escaped a leg cast for his cracked leg, but had to accept some help from a cane, to keep the weight off that side.
"Only on doctor's orders. I don't need it. I take it with me so I can't be accused of not following my doctor's recommendation. I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of me getting back on active duty." Elliot grinned at his own obvious hint of what he wanted to hear from Dr. Huang that day, and Huang couldn't help but grin back.
"Yes, I know you really want to get back to working at full capacity. I've picked up on your subtle clues."
"Come on, I've been good. Coming to these sessions, doing the physical therapy. What else is there for me to do?"
Dr. Huang cleared his throat. This wasn't going to be pleasant.
"Elliot, here's the thing. For the most part, you've been very forthcoming about what happened. You have a strong mind and a powerful will, and I have no doubt that you'll be back on full, active duty when you're ready. But you still haven't told me the complete story about what went on those last couple of days you were missing."
"I told you, it's a blur. I was so out of it. If I've given you broad strokes painting the picture of those days, that's why. I don't remember every little detail of what happened."
"See, I don't think you're being completely honest with me here. Those drugs they gave you? I think you would have been wide awake and totally aware of everything going on around you. Why are you holding back?"
Elliot paused, staring through the floor as he wagged his knee at an impatient pace.
Finally he said, "All you or I or anyone need to know is that I screwed up, okay? It's my fault. I was supposed to get those kids out of there and I didn't do it. I ended up trapped with the rest of them, and I failed. I failed them, I failed myself, and…"
Elliot stopped talking and turned a rising shade of crimson as he watched Dr. Huang stifle a yawn and steal a look at his watch.
"I'm sorry, am I boring you?" Elliot's redirected his anger away from himself and to the doctor.
"Well, you know, Elliot, it's just that- and I'm sure you can appreciate this- I'm a busy man. I have appointments, commitments, deadlines and consultations wall to wall every day. You probably already know this, but I'm also counseling two of the boys who were taken by your abductors. They were two of the first taken, so they've been through a lot more hell than you. I just can't help but think that my time might be better spent helping them than sitting here listening to your tired, and frankly, self-centered speeches that seem to indicate that you think it's all about you."
Elliot leapt out his chair and leaned in towards Dr. Huang.
"What!? Who the hell do you think you are? You're the one who made me do this stupid therapy. I didn't want to be here- I don't want to be here. But nobody asked me what I wanted. I was forced to be here. I wasn't given a choice. I've just been doing the best I can with a rotten situation."
Dr. Huang nodded, then said soothingly, "Now, if only I could convince you that everything you just said is also true about your kidnapping."
Elliot audibly exhaled and sat back down heavily, irritated that he had been baited into defending himself against his own damning words.
"That was different."
"Yes, it was." Dr. Huang agreed, "Here, if you don't show up for these sessions, you might lose your job. There, if you had made one wrong move, you could've been killed."
Elliot rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger but didn't answer, and Huang didn't push him. The doctor waited silently and patiently for several minutes. He knew Elliot was ready to talk but needed a few moments to gather his courage. When Elliot did speak again, his voice was so low Huang had to strain to hear.
"The kid, Justin."
Dr. Huang remembered that Justin was the boy who had killed himself shortly before the rescue.
"What about Justin?"
Elliot had stopped rubbing his eyes, but he continued to cover them with his hand.
"They raped him. In front of me."
Dr. Huang took a deep breath. This was the event that Elliot had kept hidden; this was the breakthrough.
"Why do you think they did that?"
"Because I tried to talk to him in the van. It was punishment. They punished him, and they punished me for talking to him. I tried to encourage him to hold on, stay strong. I promised him I'd get him and the others out of there. And I didn't do…"
"Couldn't." Huang corrected.
"…anything. I thought he'd scream, but he was real quiet the whole time, like he didn't have a soul anymore. I failed him, and that's when he knew there was no more hope. So he killed himself. If I'd just kept my mouth shut…"
"Then what?"
"Maybe then they wouldn't have done that to him, and he wouldn't have lost hope and he'd be alive today."
Dr. Huang spoke quietly but firmly.
"You're wrong, Elliot. They didn't do that to punish you or him, they did that because they're sadists. They're disturbed people who enjoy causing other human beings pain and humiliation. No other reason was necessary. They made you think it was punishment because they knew it would cause you anguish. That's all."
Elliot sniffed as he turned away. Dr. Huang knew that Elliot did not believe him right now, but in time he would.
"Elliot, I can't end our sessions like this. I want us to continue talking at least once a week for another couple or three months or so. But…" Dr. Huang held up a hand to stop Elliot, who was about to protest, "I do think that you're ready to go back on active duty again, and I'm going to make that recommendation to Cragen this afternoon. If that's okay with you."
Elliot relaxed and leaned back comfortably.
"That would be fine. Thanks."
--
Elliot went into work the next day feeling better than he had in a long time. The first person he saw was Munch, who barely glanced up from his tattered copy of The Haldeman Diaries upon Elliot's arrival. Elliot reflected that he appreciated Munch's apparent near indifference to him. Elliot's fellow detectives and Cragen had worked hard to keep the details of Elliot's abduction confidential, for which he felt grateful. However, this secrecy had the unintended consequence of breeding rumor and conjecture, much of which was even worse than what had actually happened. He had noticed it almost immediately: the hushed conversations that abruptly stopped when he walked into a room, the stares from other officers that lingered on him a little too long. He knew he could handle it, but that kind of atmosphere made him all the happier to share the room with someone like Munch, who seemed about as interested in Elliot as he would a day-old ham sandwich.
"So, where is everybody?"
Munch didn't answer Elliot's question immediately; he finished a paragraph, then said, "Our respective partners are cheating on us again."
"Oh. I thought they had that case wrapped up."
"They did, but then they got a tip last night on that one witness they couldn't find. And so here we sit, cuckolded."
During Elliot's month-long mandatory desk duty, Fin had been assigned to help Olivia with a couple of new cases. They seemed to work well together, which caused Elliot an odd twinge. Olivia and Fin had spent so much time working together in the field, Olivia and Elliot had barely seen each other or even had time to talk over the last month.
When Olivia and Fin walked into the room, it was obvious they had been out most of the night. Their dragging steps and disheveled appearance caused Munch to set his book aside and perk up, addressing Fin with amusement.
"So this is what it's come to. First you don't come home all night, then you come here looking like something the cat dragged in, and now you bring your mistress back with you? Just say it. You don't love me anymore, do you?"
Fin threw his irritation and his coat at Munch before crashing into his chair.
"Can't you ever keep it to yourself? Damn."
"Yeah, give us a break, Munch. We chased down that witness almost all night." Olivia similarly fell into her seat, exhausted. "And after all that, nothing. Unbelievable."
Elliot took advantage of the following moment of silence.
"Hey, some good news."
"I could use some of that." Olivia said.
"I've been cleared for active duty. Starting today."
Olivia straightened.
"That's great! Now all we need is a good, new case, and you're back in the saddle."
As though on cue, Cragen entered the room from his office carrying a slip of paper and a look of trepidation.
"Well, maybe this will help. I need two detectives to check out this scene."
Elliot nearly tore the paper from Cragen's hand.
"I know where this is. C'mon, Captain. Give this to me and Olivia. You got Huang's message, right?"
"Yes, I know you're cleared for street work." Cragen appeared less than thrilled at the prospect, but didn't argue. Studying Olivia and Fin, Cragen became even more concerned. "You guys look like you've been out half the night. Maybe Munch should go with Elliot on this one."
"What? No!" Olivia stood and started gathering the personal affects she had just tossed on her desk.
"I know you were out trying to find that witness last night. Are you sure you're up for this?"
Olivia sputtered dismissively at Cragen's objection.
"Don't worry- I'm fine; I'm too wired to rest now, anyway." She winked at Elliot. "Let's go, partner."
--
