Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye
By: Lesera128
Rated: T
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.
Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.
Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe before, concurrent, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." There is no rhyme or reason as to the chronology of these one-shots. I will try my best to note their chronological place, but I don't want to be too specific or things will get confusing. Please note that I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced in this story.
Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.
Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….
This chapter was partially inspired by the song "Push and Pull" by Nikka Costa. It is quite an excellent song, and for those who are unfamiliar with it, I highly suggest you check it out.
Chapter 1: Push and Pull (Remus' POV)
The details to how I have ended up where I am here and now are inconsequential. As I lay here bleeding, I can feel the life seeping out of me and back into the earth from whence I came.
While I was growing up, I remember once right after I was bitten and some of the children whom I thought were friends called me an "unnatural beast of the night." Out of their fear, they wished the horrors and damnation of hell upon me. Little did they know, I've been living with the horrors and damnation of a living hell for the majority of my adult life.
Sometimes… sometimes I feel so torn. Growing up as I did after the bite, but before Hogwarts, were some of the most lonely times I ever spent in my entire life. Even after James and Lily were killed, and Peter and Sirius were gone, at least I had Dumbledore and the Order and Ted and Andi and Dora to keep me going. Especially Dora. I've loved that little girl from the moment she opened her eyes and smiled her first smiled at me when I was eleven years old. The only problem is, I'm no longer a little boy, and she's no longer a child.
I'm in no condition to think about this now. Dusk is upon me, and I can feel the pull of the moon this evening. I should have never accepted a mission like this so close to the full moon - too many things can go wrong. But, of course, Dumbledore asked. And there is nothing, nothing I wouldn't do for that man.
The wolf is restless this night. I can feel it in me. I'm running out of time. I have no idea how the wounds I have sustained in my human form will be translated into anything other than minor annoyances and irritations for the wolf. The moon is almost upon me, and I can tell the wolf wants only two things... he wants to be free, and he wants HER.
All my life, I've had to struggle. It's not that I'm complaining, mind you. I learned a long time ago that complaining was a useless and fruitless act of futility. I've come to terms with my affliction long ago. What I haven't made my peace is the constant state of push and pull I'm in when to comes HER. And, as I've lain here most of the day bleeding to death, I suddenly realized why I am in a constant state of turmoil over her. It's an issue of control.
A lot of people have never understood me. Don't misunderstand me, in their own ways and times, James and Sirius and even Peter were brothers to me. I loved each and every single one of them. But, they only knew a part of me. Sometimes I think the only people who truly understand me... me, the real Remus, were Dumbledore and Lily.
Lily.
I loved that woman from the first moment I saw her as a newly sorted eleven-year-old Gryffindor. She was my best friend… and maybe more. Was I attracted to her physically as we grew older? Sure. She's the first woman I ever kissed... the first woman whom I ever contemplated giving in and losing control for. I always felt so safe, so comfortable with Lily. She was the first woman who ever touched me like that... But, even with Lily I couldn't let it go all the way. I couldn't lose control completely. I was too much a coward, you see. I couldn't give up control completely and totally even for someone as wonderful as Lily Evans.
And, then she met James, and that was that.
Even now, looking back, I am not sure what you could call what existed between Lily and I. A very complex and very intricate friendship that was sometimes more? Could I call Lily a lover? We never slept together, not really, so I'm not sure. But, I did lose something to Lily. On a few scattered nights, I lost my fear of losing control. I wasn't alone. I wasn't scared anymore.
But, then, as I said, James finally caught her attention. Never misunderstand me when I say I love James that I didn't understand his faults. The ability to observe the intricacies of my emotional state was one of them. Sirius might have suspected something, but I think he left well enough alone. Only Peter knew about Lily and I. To the day she died, I think that's true. I mean, I know she told James that she and I were close... and that she was there for me in some difficult times. I think she might have even told James that I loved her. But, I don't think she ever told him that I was *in* love with her. No, no one but Peter, Lily, and I know about that.
After I lost my chance with Lily, which I never really resented, although there were nights I wondered "what-if"... at least until Harry was born, and then I relegated even those thoughts to the attic of my brain, I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life.
If a witch as wonderful as Lily Evans couldn't break the push and the pull concerning my conundrum with fear of losing control, than who could?
Of course, that was before I realized that SHE had grown up.
When did it happen? When did she go from being the eight year old clutching Marie to her chest and calling me Remy to a woman who had a body like the one peeking out of her black Auror Robes? When did she stop being the little girl whom I was the only one could make her really smile? When did she stop loving me as a little girl loves an older brother?
Oh, Nymphadora Tonks still loves me... at least, I think she does. Yes, I think a part of her does, anyway. But, she is so utterly and completely bewildering to me. She has spent years building walls between her and at least me. Every time I've tried to get close to the part of her that is that little girl, I find nothing but brick. When did she become so hard? When did she learn the trick of using humor and the lighter aspects of her personality to cover up wounds that hurt her so badly they never really stopped bleeding? When did she ever receive wounds like that to begin with? If I knew how she received those festering wounds... the wounds that never completely go away, I would do anything in my power to make it better for her. Heaven help the individual responsible if I ever find out the cause for her shutting down emotionally.
I want to understand her, I truly do. I think, sometimes, that if I understood her, that would increase her chances of understanding me better than anyone else ever has... even Dumbledore and Lily.
But, that is a task a lot easier said than done. She is the most confusing and utterly bewildering individual I've ever met. Every now and then, I get glimpses. Every so often, I see behind the mountainous wall of brick she's placed between us. The day by the lake at Hogwarts, and in Diagon Alley. How could she think I wouldn't know it was her? Of course, I knew.
If only she'd give me a chance...
But then there is the question that if I am given the chance, what would I do with it? Am I destined to lose love twice? Will I lose Dora to some one else like I lost Lily to James just because I am afraid to feel and to act on those feelings?
Therein lies my personal hell. All thought, no action. All pretense... It seems as if my life is one that is doomed to be clouded by my inability to be honest with myself and with people whom I love... like Lily, but especially Dora. I'm good at it, anyway; I'm good at being what I'm not. It's not like anyone knows the difference anyway.
But, I'm older now. There are so many other things that act against me trying to break down Dora's walls. I *am* so much older than she is... and the lycanthropy doesn't help matters. Dora deserves a home and children. God, I want her to be able to have babies. As good a mother as Lily was to Harry, Dora might be even better, and that is saying something. I think one of my greatest regrets in life would be if I knew that I was the reason why Dora never carried life inside her... never felt that life move inside her for the first time... never gave birth to a baby with big blue eyes just like hers... never watched her child grow and prosper and thrive.
If nothing else, I'd wouldn't take that away from Dora. I care about her too much.
She deserves better than me. She deserves a man to love who can love her just as deeply... a man who can feel things just as deeply and passionately as she does. She deserves a man who can show her and touch her in just the right way to illustrate the depths of his passion for her. In other words, she needs and deserves a man I can never be.
The only thing is, well, that the wolf doesn't agree.
Sometimes I fear what might happen if I am near Dora when the wolf is in control. On a night when I have taken the Wolfsbane to retain my mind, the worry is far from my mind. But on nights when I haven't taken it, that's when my fear becomes great. What they don't tell people is this... werewolves sometimes retain mental vestiges of the wolf shortly before and shortly after the transformation if the potion isn't taken.
And… as I've said, the wolf directly disagrees with my assessment of my situation with Dora... just like he did with Lily, although I would be lying if I said things weren't different with Dora. With Lily, the wolf simply wanted her because he wanted the physical release. To him, it didn't matter who she was as long as she was a willing female. With Dora... well, with Dora I can tell it's more than that. The wolf wants Dora because she's Dora.
Sometimes, I can tell he blames me for not taking a mate. If he were human, sometimes I can hear him in my head in a voice that is oddly like Sirius' saying, 'your life would be a whole lot less complicated and more enjoyable if you let yourself have a good shag, Remus.'
Indeed.
What the wolf fails to realize is that it is because of him that I have a fear of losing control. I have no idea what I could do if I lose control, especially to him.
Then again, I have no idea what I could feel either, he likes to point out.
Point taken. You see, that is how it usually is between us. A push and pull battle that usually ends in a catch-22 stalemate. I may never win, but neither will he.
But, I would be lying if I told you there weren't moments, because there are. There are moments I can smell her... I can smell Tonks… and I know that while she may be saying one thing to me, she means something else entirely. I can smell her scent so perfectly, I can almost taste her. I know, at times, she wanted me… still wants me and that level of want is so high. What I wouldn't give to be to able to give in to me wanting her.
It's a thought I've clung to for a very long time. It's a thought I'll continue to cling to now that the moon is almost upon me. I've almost run out of time thinking about this. It's not like there is anything else I can do. I can almost see the moon from here... I can see it in the sky. I've looked there every night of my life for an answer. Maybe on this, my last night on earth, I'll finally receive one?
But, even if I do, since my problem lies with Dora, I probably won't even understand. I never do.
And, besides, she was so angry at me yesterday before I left. I never knew she could be that angry. I tried to explain things, but it seems like she just doesn't understand. I don't know how she couldn't ever understand since she said what she said, even if it was in anger.
So, what does it matter anyway?
It doesn't in the grand scheme of things. All I can do is hope that maybe one day... maybe one day things will be different, maybe one day I'll be different. Maybe one day I won't be afraid. It's a dream of mine, you see.
-TBC-
