(0) Prologue
What is the meaning of life?
I don't really know.
And…
I don't think I want to know either.
Everything is white.
Plain white around me.
White as snow.
White as silver.
White as…..
Her heart.
"Emil."
Maybe she's the ultimate reason.
Maybe she's the intervention.
Maybe she's the cause of everything.
The explanation I have been craving for.
The song I have been listening to.
The soul I have been searching for all this time.
"How do I look?"
The reason why I am still here.
Breathing.
Synthetically.
The reason why my heart is hammering against my chest.
Automatically.
The reason why I am blushing and shuddering.
Instinctively.
"Hey, Ice, have you, like…wondered what it's like in the afterlife?"
My life is a prism of monochrome.
I have been, and am still, waiting for someone, to make it a rainbow.
"Sometimes…Ice…just sometimes…I feel that my life is just a shade of grey. And I wonder what it is like on the other side."
Leona.
Crimson.
She reminds me of a blossoming orchid in the spring.
She reminds me of a pumping heart.
She reminds me of…
Colours.
Colours that have never been tainted by my side.
"And then, when I, like, try to end it myself, I can't. I think of you."
Perhaps there is a fundamental code to everything.
I have to…no…I am trying to decipher it.
She is the answer.
How should I read her?
And perhaps…
I am falling in love.
With her.
"Tell me what you think. I want to know. I seriously do."
(1) Problems
She said she didn't want to be there.
Neither did I.
That was what I told her.
She grinned.
Somehow, she would only smile at me.
My name is Emil Steilsson.
My best friend is Leona Kirkland.
She is a gorgeous angel.
The angel that lingers between life and death.
We are…
Currently alive. That's all I can say.
"They're at it again," she muttered.
Her eyes are the most mesmerising stars I have encountered in this world.
But I could never catch them.
I would watch them shimmer with grace.
Watch them blink with elegance.
Watch them fall with grief.
"Huh?" I cocked my brows slightly, twirling the pencil in my hand.
The lesson seemed to drag on forever.
When is this life going to end?
"My parents," she mumbled.
Her eyes never left her notebook. She was doodling something. Something that looked suspiciously like a panda.
She never has to listen anyway. She always gets away with perfect scores.
She is the intelligent kind- the kind that spends more time attempting to decode the meanings of life and fathom the possibilities around her.
She is the paranoid kind- the kind that gets despaired and cynical readily.
She is the unpredictable kind- the kind that is hard to conceive and please.
"They're going on and on about drugs this time." She swallowed, her eyes still fixated on the tip of her blue-ball pen.
Screech.
She tore off a page and ripped it into pieces.
"My mum is taking opium."
I frowned and turned to stare at her. She didn't budge.
She gazed down at her fiddling hands.
A sign of her apprehension.
"My dad is banging his French secretary."
Sometimes, I sympathise with her.
That's all we do.
Pitying each other.
Empathising with each other's misery.
Lamenting and praying for each other's adversity.
"Like, every fucking night. I have no idea what the hell is going on at my home anymore. And my mum…she can't take it. She does drugs. She keeps resorting to that eccentric Russian friend of hers. Family friend….hmph…I don't think so. More like a family curse. Or maybe I'm the curse. That's what they say."
"Don't think too much. You're fine," I said.
That doesn't even count as reassurance, to be fairly honest.
But at least, I tried.
Her lips trembled, parted but were sealed again.
She stopped twiddling her fingers and glanced ahead, her face devoid of any expressions.
I sighed, placing my palm on hers.
She twitched slightly but kept her head ahead.
Lucky we're on the last row.
They never notice us anyway.
No one bothers with us.
They treat us as the invisible pair always at the back of the classroom.
Much like the wandering spirits that refuse to let go.
She fondled my palm with her other hand and squeezed it slightly.
Before those sparkling pearls dribbled down and sullied her cheeks.
"We'll figure this out. Okay?"
"I want to get out of here."
Sure thing.
Whatever you say, my dear.
(2) Secrets
We kissed fiercely.
She shoved me to the cement.
I wrapped my arms tightly around her slender waist.
We latched our mouths onto each other's lips.
Her lips taste of cinnamon rolls.
Her hair carries this unique fragrance.
Sometimes, people call her Aroma.
It's her nickname.
The smell is serenading.
I have forgotten since when we have been doing this.
Every single time, it always ends with a kiss.
And then, we pretend that it has never happened.
Maybe things are better this way.
Ambiguous.
Vague.
Implicit.
When we parted, we ogled each other in silence.
"Do you want to, like, go camping next week?" she asked, slouching against my chest.
"Why so sudden?"
"Just wanna be away from home, I guess." She mused. "Plus, I heard that there are some seriously frightening creatures lurking about that campsite. Maybe we can bump into one."
"Probably just some foxes and chipmunks."
"Nah, what if…it's monsters? For real?" She widened her eyes in amusement.
"Are you trying to get us killed again?" I smirked. "And who actually believes in monsters anyway?"
"I know a person who does. He used to wail at night thinking there was a monster under his bed. He goes by the name of Emil-"
"Okay, okay, stop it." I shushed her sheepishly and blushed. "Please, forget it. It's embarrassing."
"It's intriguing. I will never forget something so adorable about you."
"I have to ask first. But I doubt…if my parents would allow it. They probably want me to stay home and watch the door."
"When are they coming back?"
"Tonight, maybe," I replied uncertainly.
"They've been gone for weeks already," she pinpointed, but immediately regretted it.
Probably because she knows it upsets me.
"You know…we can do something else," she proposed, shrugging leisurely. "Like, watch some movies and play video games."
"Wouldn't…your dad be forcing you to attend the piano classes? And what about your mum? I thought you said that she's hired a governess for you."
That is it.
She looked exasperated.
Thwack!
I gawked at the fist that slammed into the wall behind me, missing my face narrowly by an inch.
"Leona…" I glimpsed the blood gushing out of her bruise.
"I AM NOT THEIR COMMODITY," she snarled. Her eyes finally brimmed with tears. "I am a free being. With free will and desires. What people in their fucking right mind would lock their daughter up in a cage?"
"Well, you still have me," I comforted her, taking her bruised fist tenderly into my hand. I kissed the wound and wiped off her tears. "Let's patch you up?"
"You're the reason why I'm still here, Ice." She sniffed. Her tears vanished as swiftly as they had appeared. Her face became stoic and unreadable at once.
"Don't…fucking dare leave me."
Her way of expressing her love is bitter.
But then again, I am pretty much the same.
I shushed her, planting a chaste kiss on her forehead.
"Same here."
(3) Envy?
The sky was mourning.
For whatever loss there might be.
Grey.
Grey.
Grey everything.
I saw nothing but grey.
Only when she spun around did I capture a beam of amber.
Amber like the gold.
"Sometimes," she muttered, casually brushing her bangs aside, "I envy you."
She halted.
I followed suit.
We were standing a metre apart.
Facing each other.
She always walks faster than me.
She's always in the front.
I always follow her footsteps.
I guard her.
"And why is that so?"
"You don't have overbearing parents like I do. They leave you alone. You are free."
"You don't know the meaning of being free."
Her brows furrowed, indicating her contemplation and doubts.
I merely smiled and quipped, "Leona, do you call being abandoned and isolated from the rest of the world good? Is that what you mean by being free?"
"I…didn't know it was that worse…" She quickly altered her mind, putting on a disconcerted look. "I mean…I thought…like they would let you do anything you want…"
"They do. But that's only because they don't even have a second to care for me." I sighed. "Even if I die, they probably won't know."
"Well…better than when you have your life completely controlled by someone else. My parents…they are dominating. They will never set me free."
"Still better than mine. They are so ignorant I think most of the time they have forgotten that they have a son."
She is an illegitimate child.
I am adopted.
We met each other at elementary school.
She was very beautiful then.
She is even more beautiful now.
And we can never have the things we painstakingly look for.
What are we looking for again?
Oh yea, the meaning of life.
The meaning of this monochromic life.
"So…are you, like, still dating Mr. Puffin?" She snickered and turned on her heel again.
"Oh please!" I croaked. "Stop teasing me! It's not like you're any better! How's Mr. Panda, huh?"
"Silly. I'm just messing with you!" She grimaced and with one kick, splashed water all over my pants.
"Hey!" I scowled, completely soaked on the lower half.
"We can date each other for a change, you know." She laughed.
"Right." I laughed and chased after her.
(4) Ignorance
My dad is an air-headed jerk.
That's what my mum describes him.
Stubborn. Obnoxious. Blatant.
Yet he owns the entire Lego Corporation.
That's pretty awesome, I guess.
But I don't really know how to get along with him.
It's not like things are any better between Mum and me.
She's kind of enigmatic.
We don't see each other often, but somehow I have such absurd tendency to come across her spell books. She practises magic and things I probably don't need to know.
So, most of the time, if one of them is ever home, it's always my dad.
"Um…Mathias?"
I never call him Dad by the way. He looks more like my older brother.
We're pretty fine addressing each other by the first names.
"Yea, what's up, kiddo?" he laughed.
Again, at the wrong time. At the wrong place.
"How's school going by the way?"
And then, he would start flooding me with plenty of questions I did not wish to answer.
"Are you getting picked on again? What did you do last weekend when we weren't home? Did you do something awesome like going out with some girl friends and- Ouch!"
Thwack.
Here comes my mum.
"You're too annoying. Get lost, Mathias." She rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse. After ruffling my hair for a brief second, she trotted straight to the door.
"I'll be out till ten. Get dinner for yourselves."
"Hey, Lucia! We should at least dine together once in a while, don't ya think so?" Mathias yelled after her.
The door slammed shut.
"Mathias."
"Yeah? What do you wanna eat? We can order take-away or something. Ah! That's right. Let's call Tina and see what they're having for tonight. Maybe we can invite them over for dinner. That would be fun. How's your homework going anyway? Is there a test coming up soon?"
"It was two weeks ago, Mathias." I grunted. "I want to ask you something."
"Oh God, we actually run out of macaroni and cheese. I'm gonna buy something at the store." He shouted from the kitchen.
"Mathias!" I yelped.
"Yeah? What's it?" popping his head out, he asked.
"This coming weekend, I want to go camping with-"
Ding. Ding. Ding
"Hold on a second." He dug into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.
For the next half an hour or so, he was talking on his phone.
"I'm extremely sorry, Ice." There came an awfully familiar expression of guilt and disappointment.
He dashed to the hanger and grabbed his coat in a flash. Before I could utter another word, he whirled around and sighed in dismay. "I can't have dinner with you. I need to go back to the headquarters to handle some business. It's a very important client this time. You can order anything for yourself. See ya."
"Wait-"
The door slammed shut.
Great.
Just great.
I snorted and stomped upstairs, locking myself in the room.
I reached out for my phone and dialled her number.
"E-Emil?" From the other end of the line came her stammer.
"Leona?" I sighed. "Guess we have to spend the weekend on games and popcorn. Fancy a dinner with me tonight?"
She didn't answer.
And then…
I realised that she was weeping, drenching her face in tears and snots.
"Leona?" I stiffened. "What's wrong? Leona?"
"Can I…like, come over right now?"
There was a minute of stunned silence. She kept on sobbing and I listened intently, my mind completely blank.
"Ice?"
"I'll pick you up at the bus station in five minutes. Wait for me."
I hung up and bolted out of my room.
(5) Comfort
Her tears echo with the rain.
Her face is that of a shattered angel's.
Sometimes, I wish I could just embrace her and shower her with affection.
She is, however, by no means delicate.
She is the strongest soul there has ever been.
"I've had enough of their bickering," she grumbled.
She looked exhausted.
And she was drenched, from head to toe when I reached her at the station.
"They wouldn't let me go. They think I'm being disobedient. They think I'm going astray. They've always wanted to file for a divorce. But I'm the reason they're still clinging to this broken home."
She ranted on, venting all her frustration and sorrow.
"I thought I could deal with it. I mean, I have, like, been enduring this for years. I thought I had enough stamina to put up with their shit. But no…I can't…I don't want to be their perfect girl. Always the goody princess. It's killing me, Ice. Do you get it? Do you feel it? I wanna, like, end it now. It's not like I have never tried it before. You know me."
"No, Leona, no." I shook my head firmly.
We tried taking our lives once.
We were thirteen at that time.
Our attempts were futile though.
Three years have passed since then.
She's never gotten out of her suicidal state.
We keep each other intent and alive.
"There's no way out, Emil! You know it's hopeless…you know it because your family is the same…"
"I know how it hurts, but I don't want to see you suffer," I confessed, cupping her cheeks gently. "I don't want to be the one inflicting the same pain on you. So, don't even think about asking me to end your life."
"You've…changed."
"I've changed for you," I promised her. "One more semester and we'll get into the college. We'll be free."
She didn't look convinced.
I pressed on.
"I love you."
She blinked incredulously at me. Somehow bewildered. A bit flustered and bashful.
"W-What?"
"I know we've been best friends for years but…have you ever thought that we might be more than that?"
She paused and mulled over the idea.
"Well?"
"Kiss me," she commanded.
I kissed her.
"I came for the same reason, Ice," she whined, burying her face into my shoulder. "Make love to me."
(6) Stories
She told me her parents' story.
And I told her mine.
"He was betrothed to a Spanish girl. Both families thought it was a brilliant strategy to strengthen the ties of two corporations. He didn't like her. She didn't like him either. They were nemesis. He said he would rather end his life than to stick with a freaky tomato addict. She married a cranky Italian in the end. And he eloped with my mum."
She snuggled up against me. We were lolling side by side under the duvet, her head against my chest, mine against the fluffy, downy pillow.
The rain had stopped. The house was tranquil; so tranquil I doubted the existence of any life form in here.
Wait…we are still alive, aren't we?
"My mum didn't come from a noble family. Her family could manage at most a middle-class. They wanted her to hook up with someone of the same race. Definitely not a conceited British hypocrite. But she chose him anyway. They met at school, I think. He was a punk. She was a cheerleader. Somehow, they got close. Okay, that sounds really cliché. But she loved him enough to abandon her Russian crush. They had me before they eloped. They never went back to their families. And then…we were on our own."
My phone chimed. Probably Tina checking up on me.
I ignored the text and averted my gaze out of the window.
"They regret their choice from time to time. He can't settle for one woman, knowing his carefree and playboy demeanour. She loathes being 'shackled' by responsibilities and household duties. They argue a lot. They both have so much pride in them they refuse to let go. And yet, they are both straining themselves with their pointless tricks."
I stroked her hair and inhaled.
She smells of cherry blossoms.
"I am the reason this family hasn't fallen apart yet. But I don't want to be the reason anymore. It's meaningless. I tried. I really did. They don't appreciate it. They want me to live up to their expectations, but I can't. He is obsessed with transforming me into a proper, respectable lady. She is so persistent on turning me into a perfectionist. They both want to nurture a part that they have missed in their own characters. They are pushing me over the line."
I held her closer to me and kissed her head.
She finally gazed up with her limpid eyes.
For a moment, I wondered if she was regretting her choice.
Would I end up being one of her biggest regrets in life?
"Their love is platonic. It always has been. Lucia wants to keep it that way. He is willing to comply. She used to grow up in a dysfunctional family. She doesn't trust men enough to confide in them, or to devote her entire life to them. She inherited her family's business and became an exorcist. She did ask him to flee when he could. Mathias declined the offer. He said he would rather spend his whole life with her than with anyone else. She accepted the truth that she might have a tiny bit feeling for him. She never expressed it enough though. He stayed with her for years. It was his idea first that they ought to foster the family relationship, so he suggested adopting a kid."
Leona tilted her head slightly and caressed my cheeks.
"Lucia found me first. She said I bore an awful resemblance to her dead brother, one who passed away when they were kids. She couldn't bear to see me suffer alone in the orphanage. Mathias took a liking to me and immediately went for the documents. I followed them home when I was five. And a year later, I met you."
She nodded and grinned innocently.
"What?"
"I remember you being picked on by some older kids." She giggled, ostensibly teasing my cowardice.
"You kicked their asses though," I recalled in shame. Somehow, the scene where she lit firecrackers to menace my bullies flashed across my mind.
"They used to have more time to look after me. They were both pretty eager at first. But as they watched me grow older, I realised that I could never be their son. I am merely a companion; an existence that is meant to fulfil the meaning of a complete family. I feel like an idiot, really."
She nodded again. This time, her smile faded.
"What is there to look for in life anyway?" She questioned cynically, sitting up. Her porcelain skin lay bare in sight. I leant in to envelop the body that I wished could have belonged to me forever.
"Sometimes, I do wonder, what if I haven't met you?" she presumed contemplatively. "Maybe I wouldn't be here."
"I would have lost myself in loneliness," I stated simply.
"Ice, whatever happens, you will never leave me, right?" she asked, her eyes genuine and blinking in full anticipation.
"Never." I shook my head instantly.
She leapt on me and kissed my lips.
I could feel my arousal returning gradually to subsume my consciousness.
I gripped onto her tight and laid her down on the mattress.
Our breathing hitched.
She never once diverted her gaze from me.
That's when I realised how much I love her.
As the night closed in, we stayed in each other's comfort.
(7) Dilemma
We were counting down the days left before our graduation.
Spring came unexpectedly early this year.
She is probably going to Cambridge.
Or Oxford.
Or, well, whatever college her parents deem distinguished and suitable for her.
I strove hard to follow her path.
I wished I could take care of her there. At least, she wouldn't feel so lonely.
It was the last day of our exams and she broke the news to me.
"Ice, we need to talk." Her eyes fluttered grimly. She still looked fairly composed and nonchalant though.
My heart went racing the second she took hold of my hand. I couldn't afford to let her palm go. I feared that she would drift away from me. If that ever happened, I would seriously disappear from this world.
"I'll do anything to make things better, please," I promised, cornering her. She must have sensed my determination because her glance somehow softened.
"Did I do something that upset you?" I pried, hoping to get the answer soon so that I could atone for whatever sin I had committed that distraught her so much.
"No…not really…"
Suddenly, she blushed.
I was flabbergasted.
She only blushes when we kiss and make love.
She never shows her emotions much, but that doesn't mean they don't exist in her beautiful heart.
"It's just…"
"Yes, Leona? What?" I tried to coax the truth out of her.
She blushed more and flinched.
For the first time, she didn't dare look straight into my eyes. She was staring at the ground, fidgeting rather uncomfortably.
"I…I…" she sighed and finally met my eyes. "I'm pregnant."
I guessed I must have dropped the bomb somewhere with my thoughtless deed.
I gasped, then blinked a few times in astonishment and took a few steps back.
She took it as a hint that I was clearly disturbed.
She scowled and groaned, "I'll think of something to get rid of it."
"No!" I interrupted sharply. "We will do this together."
"Seriously?" She studied my face dubiously.
"It's…mine?"
She smacked me upside the head and pouted.
"Do you think I have, like, ever slept with another guy?"
"No, just…just wanna be sure." I laughed, rather uselessly.
She slapped me again, rather indignantly this time.
"We're so doomed," she eventually blurted out.
We visited the clinic, of course. We tried to look for ways to handle this dilemma.
She wasn't so keen on having a child, for fear that we could not bring up the kid properly.
"I don't want him or her to end up the way we have," she said rather dolefully.
I understood her point, because I, too, was not so confident about this matter at all.
What should I do?
I had to take responsibility nonetheless.
When she discovered it, she was already three months in.
The doctor commented that her womb was delicate. She shouldn't opt for the idea of abortion because it was too risky.
They did the scanning for us, to show us how lovely our baby had been developing.
The moment Leona caught glimpse of the screen, she broke down. All her insecurity, terror and sorrow were poured out through her tears.
I couldn't help but hug her for hours.
"Why don't we…give it a shot?" I whispered. I pledged to stay with her.
Perhaps a child could bring some changes to our bleak life.
Perhaps we could do a lot more than we could think of.
I told her that I would start working harder in my part-time.
She insisted on tagging along with me. I forbade her.
We were fortunate because her stomach wouldn't show.
"It's because she's young and she's always been an athlete," the doctor said.
But it also meant that the foetus wasn't that big to begin with.
"I must say your girlfriend has kept an excellent built, but you must be careful with her body from now on."
Our baby, according to what the doctor, was very frail. Healthy though. Yet vulnerable.
It didn't help that she kept having mood swings and cravings. Her depression aggravated, to a point that I caught her attempting suicide twice.
And every time I did, she would burst into tears and apologise, over and over again. I always shushed her and then took her into my arms.
I knew what was pestering her.
I knew the guilt and inferiority that had started sprouting their roots in her tattered heart.
I felt penitent so I decided to muster my courage to confront her parents. I reckoned I had to do this sooner or later.
She couldn't face the music at all. She was so intimidated by the idea that we would be separated once her parents discovered her deed.
"My dad's gonna, like, kill you." She cried, begging me to think twice before storming into her house. "And my mum, she'll probably skin you alive."
There were no other options we could consider, so I took it upon myself. I barged into the house like a boss. They probably thought I was a delinquent. They were never really that fond of me anyway.
Ever since our quarrel in that fishing incident, her dad grew wary of me.
Her mum…er…she said she could never trust "white men".
But look whom she's married.
Sounds legit enough.
"You are having a death wish," Leona warned me.
"Better than leaving you to deal with this shit alone," I told her. I just wanted her to know that I love her enough to sacrifice anything, even my dignity and life.
As long as she is happy, I guess we can someday find the truth colour of our life.
(8) Consequence
Arthur Kirkland, as far as my research shows, is the renowned chief executive of a toys company called "My Magic Pony" (this title never stops giving me creeps).
Really, I am not going to lie.
He looks as dorky as Mathias.
And his brows bug me a lot. They are…way too thick and busy in my opinion.
We used to tease him for having caterpillar brows when we were kids. Leona was particular merciless at making fun of her father. She said he could communicate with supernatural beings. I am glad she didn't turn out as peculiar as him.
Wait, who am I fooling?
My girlfriend is bizarre enough to be capable of mastering multiple languages and kung fu without much ado, having an unhealthy obsession with anything associated with fire and murdering someone when they switch off her bedroom's lights.
Geez.
I stood like a statue.
Here goes nothing.
"Pardon me?" her father scowled. I still could not get over the fact that his brows were thicker than the ruler I used in Calculus.
Her mother dropped her jaws, and if I did not mistake it, she was gripping a wok in her left hand for her dear life.
"Um….sir…I'll take very good care of Leona and our child. We are…truly in love with each other. So, please, let me marry your daughter." I stuttered and bowed.
That is.
I didn't think much about the agony when that fist collided with my face. All I could ever see in my obscure vision was Leona, shrieking furiously at her dad and darting towards me.
If her father was not menacing enough, her mother was worse. Now I finally realised why Leona always complained about yearning to be free from this hysterical family.
That Chinese woman basically got out all her cooking utensils and tossed them at my face.
I was lucky I didn't have to use my face for work, because for a brief second, I seriously doubted if I could get out alive without looking like I had been punched by Hulk.
"Stop it!" Leona kept wailing and shielding me from her parents.
"Get away from him, Leona!" her dad hollered, calling several servants to snatch her away from me.
I refused to let go. Arthur struck me with his cane and straddled me. He almost strangled me if only his frantic wife didn't butt in by clasping chucks of my hair and bellowed into my face.
"Aiyah! What have you done to my daughter!" she whined, so deliriously I felt myself go deaf upon her ear-splitting bawls. "Oh my precious child aru…you ruined her! You ruined my daughter's life!"
I had to resist the urge to unravel in front of her.
The ones who have truly ruined her are you and your husband.
"I will not condone this, just so you know!" There was fire in Arthur's eyes. I crawled away from this demented couple.
"I will make your life a living hell for raping my daughter and coaxing her into marrying you!"
"I did not rape her!" I retorted. "We fell for each other willingly!"
"In no way do you even match my girl! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO BE TOGETHER!"
Damn…
What the hell is wrong with her parents?
They contacted Mathias and Lucia, of course.
Even though they had been friends for years, Lucia couldn't really convince Arthur to spare me. He castigated me and chased me out of the house. He locked Leona up and vowed to kill me if I were to be near his daughter again.
I was left to deal with a sprained ankle, a broken arm and a nearly dislodged jaw.
And also Mathias and Lucia.
They both revealed nothing but sheer disappointment and repulsion.
They all thought that I had taken the wrong step; that I should never have hung out with Leona in the first place.
I couldn't tolerate their judgemental gazes.
I finally broke down.
(9) Escape
"I don't know what's gotten into your mind."
"I didn't raise you to be like this."
To be frank, I don't think they have put much effort rearing me.
They are always minding their own business. They would even spend more time with Berwald and Tina than with me.
Sometimes, I think that it's just me who feels queer.
Sometimes, I know it's true.
I am and have been segregated from them. I don't mingle in.
I just can't.
The lecture droned on forever. They wouldn't let me go unless I promised that that I would never cause the Kirklands any trouble again.
Me? I am a trouble?
Maybe my sole existence is already a pest in this world.
There were only two options ahead of me.
All or nothing.
Either I take my own life or spend it with Leona.
I did what I could as a man. I wouldn't rip someone's gorgeous wings just so I could cage her.
I wouldn't choose to love her if I knew I were to abandon her one day.
I had already made an oath to cherish her.
She is the colour of my life.
And now I finally realise, the rainbow that has been glittering all this time, is her smile all along.
Her presence adds vibrancy to my monochromic life.
I could not allow this thread to break, no matter how thin it is hanging on it loose ends.
I was obliged to take action. Whether or not would we end up like Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, I couldn't care less.
Arthur has created the Juliet himself.
" Say, Ice, what is it like in the afterlife?"
Leona's voice reverberated in my head.
I saw her face. I saw her ghostly smile.
I heard her hum Mary Lambert's "When You Sleep".
And in response, I hummed Bruno Mars' "It will Rain".
I climbed into her room. All that there was to take me was a simple ladder I stole from the garage and a sprinkle of courage dust.
We embraced under the illuminating crescent. She wept into my chest, claiming how her parents had decided to force her to go for an abortion and restored her virginity using artificial means. She cried that they were going to betroth her to a rich Korean dumbass called Im Yong Soo.
I said I would never permit them to touch a strand of her hair as long as I lived.
And together, we fled.
Like two wandering birds, we eluded the cage.
I broke her shackles and she broke my chains.
We absconded and became two fugitives.
She asked if I would ever regret doing this with her.
"Never," I answered her.
After all, Mathias and Lucia would be perfectly fine without me.
But I could not live without Leona.
She could not live without me either.
We evaded the town. I withdrew all the money from my bank account. There wasn't much but I did save up a couple of thousands.
She took all her valuables with her; all the accessories and jewelleries she had received as gifts; a few thousand dollars she had saved from her pocket money.
We sought temporary shelter from her uncle, Kiku and his wife, Mei, who empathised with us enough to take us in before Leona's labour.
Needless to say, our parents went haywire after finding us gone.
Her parents, in particular, dispatched a search party just to hunt us down. We allowed no such thing to happen. If one day shall we be caught, we vow to take our lives with us.
Eventually, with Kiku's and Mei's help, we settled in a suburban village. Our money, together with the sum borrowed from this helpful couple, was only sufficient to afford a life in a little cabin and a small farm accompanied by a decent home garden.
It is more than enough though.
"I love the trees and rivers," Leona told me forthrightly. "I've always dreamt of living close to the nature. Far away from the hustle and bustle. And…"
I squeezed her hand and placed my palm on her slightly curved tummy.
"And away from my family." She beamed.
There are only us.
She.
Me.
A nd our unborn child.
Her eyes glinted when she glanced up at the azure sky.
Every day, I drive to town and work as a waiter in a local café.
She stays home and occasionally writes for her freelance editorial job.
We have never given up our dream to pursue our college life.
"Kiku and Mei are craving for a child but they can't have one. They'd love to look after our baby if we're really to get on with college." Leon smiled.
These days, she always smiles gleefully.
I love her smile.
Her smile is stunning.
Much like the rainbow itself.
"When we're done with college, I'll work extra hard to get us a bigger house." I promised her. "And then we'll start a proper family."
And if the day ever comes when our parents find us, they will know that we have grown strong enough to withstand them.
We will be ready to show them that our love conquers everything they deem isn't right.
They would be the ones to regret. Not us.
(10) Hope
Our child…no…our children were born in mid-winter.
They came to this world as serenely and softly as the snowflakes.
Leona had a peaceful and smooth labour, for which I would remain forever grateful.
I still remember the moment when Kiku handed me the delicate doll. His face was as white as the snow. His lips were as crimson as a rose. He had hair as dark and sleek as Leona's. When he pried open his eyes, they were imbued with colours that lit up my whole life.
Leona in turn took the girl in her arms. She made eye-contact with the silver-haired doll for a fleeting moment. She then stared awkwardly at me and cackled, "She has your hair."
"He has your face." I simply laughed and flopped down next to her.
I named the boy "Leon", because he reminds me of her beauty and liveliness.
She named the girl "Emilia", because she thinks it sounds adorable and echoes with my name.
I kissed her gently and chuckled.
"Thank you. Thank you for everything, Leona."
She only nodded and smiled the brightest grin I have ever seen.
What is the meaning of life?
I think I get it now.
Everything looks colourful around me.
Around us.
There is a rainbow in her heart.
It has brought stars and light to my own.
What is it that I have been looking for?
I think I have found it now.
What she's been waiting for.
What I've been hankering for.
It's a family.
A family that completes with warmth and love.
And now we don't feel lonely anymore.
We will never say that we don't want to be here anymore.
Because the most precious thing in our life has always been here.
Our invincible love.
