Disclaimer: Disclaimed.
Happily Ever After
Sometimes, it takes longer than expected
to find the happily ever after.
November, 1996
Today is the day that I turn three years old. Mummy and Daddy are going to prepare a party for me, and we're going to have this party in our new house!
Oh yes, today is the day that we move to our new house too. Today seems to be a day when many things are happening.
Mummy tells me that our new neighbours are her best friend and his son. He's three too! I can't wait to meet him. I'm so excited that I bounce on my seat all the way to our new house, even though the seatbelt stops me from bouncing too much.
When we finally reach our new house after four hours, I'm a bit tired from all the bouncing, but I get off immediately and race to the house next door. I don't even care about what our house looks like, but I know that the house next door looks very welcoming. There're lots of flowers in the garden and a tiny stone path leading to the brown door. I love stone paths! They make me think of nature, and I love nature.
Mummy calls after me to be careful. She tells me that it's rude if I just barge in without knocking, but I do it anyway. The door isn't locked.
I knock into something soft and I land on my butt. It's painful, so my bottom lip starts to tremble a bit like it always does before I start crying, but the person I knocked into holds out a cookie to me and I stop immediately. Cookies always make me stop crying.
"You're Mikan-chan, aren't you?" I look up at the person who spoke. It's a really pretty lady. She has red eyes! I've never seen red eyes before. I wonder if she is a vampire.
I smile at her, then I see that her tummy is big and round. Mummy says that means that the lady has a baby growing in her tummy. "Wow," I gasp, because I haven't seen anything like it, "A baby."
The lady laughs with a tinkling voice, and she pats my head and pulls me up. "Yes, it's Natsume's little sister!"
"Little sister," I repeat so it sounds like I understand, but I don't. I wouldn't, because I don't have a little sister. I'll make Mummy make one for me later. Then I remember why I'm here, and I feel excited all over again. "Where's the three year-old?" I ask, and the lady pauses a while before she smiles at me.
"Natsume? He's in the backyard, darling. Why don't you take these cookies with you and go play with him?" She hands me the cookies and I take them. They smell really nice.
"Thank you," I say and bow, remembering what Mummy told me about having manners.
Then I leave the lady behind and run towards the backyard.
I spot Natsume the three year-old from some distance away. He's squatting under a big tree in the backyard, drawing patterns on the dirt with a stick. It looks fun, so I go over.
Natsume the three year-old looks up even before I reach him and stares at me. His eyes are red too, so I say, "Are you a vampire?"
His hand stops moving and just... stops, still holding the stick. He looks very offended. "What?" he mutters, "Are you crazy? I'm human, not a vampire." Then his hand starts moving again, and I stretch my neck to see what he is drawing.
"Sorry, Natsume! I'm Mikan!" I smile at him and hold out a hand. He stares at it for a while and then continues to draw. I squat down beside him and look at his drawing. It looks like a swing, and there's a slide too! "It's a playground!" I shout, "I win! I guessed it right!" I place the plate of cookies on the ground and jump up and down.
Natsume the three year-old gives me The Look. It's the same look that Mummy gives me all the time when she says that I'm 'doing something stupid'. "It's not a game, idiot," Natsume the three year-old huffs, "it's the place that I'm going to bring my little sister to." He puffs out his chest proudly the way Daddy does when Mummy praises him, and says, "Mom says I'm the big brother, so I have to take care of my little sister and protect her."
"Wow," I gush, "Natsume is a superhero!"
It's the first time that Natsume the three year-old looks pleased with me. "That's right," he says as he falls silent and continues to draw. I stare at him as he draws. He's so cool, I'm so happy to be the same age as he is.
After a while, because he doesn't talk, I decide to. "We're neighbours now," I declare, "and we're friends too!"
Natsume the superhero looks at me. I notice that he does that very often. "I don't remember saying anything about being friends with a crazy like you," he says unsurely.
Natsume the superhero doesn't want to be friends with me, I think, and then I feel like crying, so I do.
He looks really shocked at all the snot and tears dribbling down my face. I know I look really ugly right now, but I really don't care. I want to be his friend but he doesn't want to be mine.
He puts his hands up and says, "Okay, okay, I'll be your friend, just stop crying, okay? My mom will kill me if she sees you crying!"
I smile, and Natsume the superhero winces. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside right now, and I remember what my Mummy said about feeling warm and fuzzy when she realized that she loved Daddy.
I grin, showing off my missing teeth. "I love you, Natsume," I say happily, and give him a big bear hug. Natsume the superhero struggles, but doesn't pull away.
I think I'm in love.
October, 2011
Over the years, the Superhero Natsume from my childhood faded away into the shadow of memories in the dark recluses of my mind. Bear hugs are now a complete no-no to him, and despite the fact that we are best friends, he hardly talks to me at all. When I talk to him, he replies with grunts and other weird sounds that only he can come up with.
Sad to say, although Natsume is now completely different from the boy he was before he hit puberty, the shameful infatuation I have for him still exists. I try my very best not to show it, but my friends take every single opportunity to remind me that what I feel for him is very obviously shown on my face everytime he comes near me.
Oh? I think not, for being the genius that he is, Natsume would have realized long ago that I have a crush on him. Unless he is extremely thick-headed, which I don't think he is. Natsume and I still hang out together to a certain extent, but we don't play under the tree in his backyard anymore.
Sometimes I do miss him. The Natsume who actually talked, that is.
Girls seem to prefer the Natsume now, though. They're all over him. Even now, as I walk beside him on the way to the cafeteria, they're all scrambling to get to him, even just to exchange a word with him. Natsume merely stays silent, and I can't help the triumphant feeling that burgeons in my chest. He only replies to me, his best friend, with unintelligible sounds, you morons. Of course he's not going to respond to you. It's a mean thought to have, but I think that a lot nonetheless. It's shameful to think of how low I've sunken because of one Natsume Hyuuga. Especially since it's not like he'll ever know how I feel about him.
We arrive at the table we usually sit at, just the two of us. Despite everything, I appreciate the fact that he always has lunch with only me. It's like our special time, when no one can intrude on us. I like to think it's because he gets tired of being around idiots too.
Natsume looks at me pointedly. It's the look that says, "Get my lunch for me." I roll my eyes and hiss under my breath, "Can't you even deign to say 'please', your highness?"
Natsume smirks. "And why should I have to? You never had any problems bringing my lunch to me in elementary school."
"Well that was before I grew some brains, apparently," I scoff, planting my hand on my hips in a way that I know is not intimidating at all, least of all towards all six feet of sinewed muscle.
Sometimes I hate that he started playing football.
Natsume grunts. See what I mean about the unintelligible sounds? I huff a little but line up to bring him his lunch anyway. I've been doing it since forever, I don't even understand myself why I had to bicker with him like that today.
Actually, I do. I just wanted some attention, as pathetic as that is. I sigh as I grab the food, and an extra carton of chocolate milk that I know he likes. I'm just about to make my way back to our table when I'm waylaid by Koko. I hate having Koko catch me in one of my 'moments'. He always seems to know what is wrong with me. And then he'll report to Natsume, because he belongs on Natsume's football team, and to those guys, the loyalty on the football field extends all the way into real life. Boys.
"Hey Mikan, what's up?" Koko asks cheerily as he falls into step beside me and walks me back to the table.
"I just met a really irritating boy whom I do not want to meet," I reply dryly, my attention focused on trying to balance the huge tray of food I have in my hands.
"Well, poor boy then," Koko grins, "having to put up with your grumpy mood and all. Trouble in paradise?" he adds cheekily, bumping my shoulder.
I almost cuss as my tray wobbles in my hands, but I settle for sending Koko a death glare. "I'm not in paradise in the first place, Koko," I exhale exasperatedly, "Unless you call unrequited crushes paradise."
Koko shoots me a knowing look that almost seems as if it can penetrate me and know all my thoughts. This is exactly why I hate the guy. "Well, I don't think you're as unrequited as you think you are, Mikan," he whispers in my ear, "Maybe he doesn't know it yet himself. For all you know he could have a burning passion for you buried deep inside his cold heart of steel."
I snort, despite my best attempts to hold it in. "You've been reading romance novels, Koko."
Koko laughs obnoxiously and taps my shoulder twice before veering away to sit with Hotaru and the others, a group of friends that he's really tight with. I happen to be good friends with all of them too, and after the hot blush I have on my cheeks thanks to Koko's words, I will like nothing better than to just ditch Natsume and his questioning looks and go over to the other table instead, but then Natsume would be upset. An upset Natsume is never good news, I know from experience.
So I dutifully make my way back and set the food on the table, looking down all the time so that Natsume can't see how red my face is. He does notice that something is wrong, though, and he never lets me off. "Cat got your tongue?" he says simply as he sticks his straw into the carton of milk.
I shake my head. "It's nothing."
He looks at the top of my head for a while. "I think I would know if it's nothing, Mikan."
"Well, you don't know this time," I say stubbornly, poking my fork into my pizza brutally as I try to steer my thoughts away from Koko's words. He thinks Natsume isn't indifferent to me?
Well Koko might as well be blind. Can't he see how Natsume treats me? Better than how he treats the others, that's for sure, but his treatment of me is safely in the best friend category. How can he possibly feel something for me other than friendship?
I hate myself for letting Koko pull my hopes up for even a second, I hate Koko for putting the idea into my head, and I hate Natsume for making me feel so pathetic.
"You know you can tell me anything," he prods, and for the first time in a long time I wish he would go back to grunting. "I'll beat the crap out of whoever touches or hurts you."
That stops my churning thoughts. Wow, is all that I can think as I look up into his eyes and realize that he's completely serious. He hasn't looked so serious in a long time.
At that moment, as an unwilling smile stretches across my mouth, I think that I'm lucky after all, to have Natsume as my best friend, even if he doesn't see me as anything more than a friend.
"I'll beat the crap out of and strangle whoever touches or hurts you," I say, and the amused tilt of Natsume's lips makes me feel like the happiest person on the planet for the rest of the day.
I think this feeling that I'm feeling must be heartbreak.
What else can this awful, heart wrenching pain be? My eyes are fixated on Natsume as he walks through the cafeteria with Yuki Edo clinging to his arm. It should be impossible. Natsume hasn't shown interest in girls for as long as I've known him, despite their interest of him. But now -
-it seems as if all my earlier perceptions of him are going down the drain.
I think I stopped breathing, because I hear Hotaru Imai's voice, cool and clear in my ear, "Breathe, you idiot," as she leads me through the cafeteria towards the table where she sits with Koko, Sumire, and a few others every single day. I can't see anything. All I'm seeing is Natsume, as he leads Yuki to our table – our table – and seats her there, disappearing into the crowd, presumably to get food for her.
I can't help my outraged exhalation. Natsume has never taken food for me for as long as I know him. For the whole of the fifteen years that I have known him. Natsume just doesn't do things like that.
Apparently now he does.
Even Koko looks baffled as he ambles over to the table, asking, "Hey, why's that girl at Natsume's table? Where's Mikan – oh, hi Mikan." An awkward silence falls over the table, then Koko hastily adds, "Hey, don't cry."
"I'm not crying," I try to sound convincing, but all that comes out of my throat is a strangled sob. My breathing is coming in heaves. I want to throw something.
But I know that it's completely irrational of me to feel this way. Natsume isn't mine. We're just best friends. Of course it's fine for him to date, for him to ditch me without a word -
-For me to find out that he isn't having lunch with me when I arrive at the cafeteria and see him at our table with another girl.
"No, it's not okay at all," I mutter to myself as I burst into tears right there, in front of everyone. I might think that it's embarrassing if I'm in the right frame of mind, but right now I'm only worried about my heart. I hear it crack and shatter into smithereens as I watch Natsume return with a huge pile of food, smiling at the girl as he sits down.
"Mikan..." Hotaru murmurs in an unusually gentle way as she pats my back. "Hyuuga's just being an idiot, don't mind him."
"Yeah," Sumire chimes in as she plonks onto the seat next to mine, "He's so moody and broods all the time, anyway. You'd be better off without him."
I let out a gargled sob at the thought of it and Hotaru sends Sumire a sharp glare, which shuts her up.
For a brief moment, as I sit in the cafeteria with all my friends surrounding me, telling me how much of a bastard Natsume is, I worry about him catching sight of me. What if he does? Then he'll know everything. He'll know about my crush on him. But Natsume doesn't look my way even once. His eyes are fixated on Yuki Edo.
I realize that he can't see me, no matter what I do.
That night, I go home and cry to my heart's content for three whole hours, while Natsume enjoys his life elsewhere, having forgotten about the best friend that he ditched in the afternoon without even a phone call.
The next day, I return to school and pretend that everything's alright, when in fact everything has gone terribly wrong.
I avoid Natsume for the whole of the school day, and he doesn't try to come find me. I don't know why I feel so crushed when the last bell rings and there's no sight of him, but I do know that I feel horrible.
I feel even more horrible when I walk out of the classroom and come face to face with Yuki Edo.
She asks for a chance to talk to me, and I let her lead me into an empty stairwell, although I have no inkling as to what she might want to talk to me about. She's the girlfriend. The pampered, loved girlfriend. I'm the ditched, neglected, former best friend.
I hardly think that there will be anything for us to talk about, while I suppress my irrational need to grab her collar and scream at her for taking Natsume away from me.
She turns to face me after staring at the wall for a while. The atmosphere is getting increasingly awkward, and I guess she notices it too, because she speaks hurriedly, "I'm really sorry."
When I hear that the first thing I think is, No, please don't let Yuki Edo be a nice, sweet girl who is completely deserving of Natsume. But even I know that the moment the words left her mouth, I don't have the right to hate her anymore.
And my hatred for her only diminishes as she continues to talk. She says, "I noticed how things between you and Natsume aren't very good after we got together. He won't talk about it to me, but I really have no intention of ruining your friendship, you know," She looks flustered as she continues hesitantly, "I know you've always liked him, a lot of people know, actually. And I really didn't want to be the one to dash your hopes, but -"
I cut her off as I hold a palm up. "Stop. This conversation is over."
"But I -"
I smile at her, as unconvincing as it seems even to me. "I don't blame you, honestly, my feelings were unrequited right from the start. I just needed something to hate, something to blame. But honestly, I get it. You like him and he likes you, there's nothing wrong with that. I wish you all the best."
I leave my broken heart and a gaping Yuki Edo in the stairwell. I don't have the right, yes, but that doesn't mean that the pain from my shattered heart and first love doesn't hurt like hell.
It's been a month since I last saw or talked to Natsume. When I got my college admission letter, he wasn't there to celebrate with me. I miss him so much that I can hardly breathe, but I know that it's wrong for me to just wallow in my misery and give up on my life simply because I got rejected without even confessing.
I pack my bags alone. On Saturdays, I go out to the ice cream parlor down the street alone. Maybe I am pathetically waiting for him to show up, since I know that he goes there very often, but he doesn't. He doesn't call at all, even though he lives just next door.
It's like Natsume Hyuuga never once existed in my life. Perhaps it will be good if I just forget him altogether, but while I pack my bags I can't help packing all our childhood photos too.
How do you forget someone who has been with you every step of the way as you grow up? It's more than impossible, so I don't even try. I embrace the pain of loss and accept it, because it's a reminder that despite the douche that Natsume is being, he was once my best friend. He is still my first love.
And I doubt that I'll ever be able to forget him, because while it lasted, I had the best, happiest days of my eighteen years.
It's slowly approaching my birthday again, and the day when I leave the state for college is driving near as well. I always thought that I would be spending such an important birthday with Natsume, but when the day before my birthday arrives, it's evident that I'm not going to be able to spend it with him.
I've slowly picked up the pieces of my broken heart, even though I do still wonder why Natsume decided to break off our friendship without even a simple goodbye. Without an explanation.
Somehow, I feel like I was left hanging, without any proper closure. To me, our friendship has never truly ended. I was simply cast off like a fish to dry.
The more I think about it, the more indignant I feel. Who does he think he is, really? Just because I happen to be in love with him, doesn't mean that he has the right to hold sway over my emotions like this, isn't it? I do think that I have been a good best friend to him for all these years, at least enough for him to give me a proper farewell before I leave this place, the place filled with memories of him and me.
Which is why, on my eighteenth birthday, I foolishly gather up the courage to go see Natsume Hyuuga, holding a birthday cake in my hands.
I don't know what I was thinking when I decided on this, honestly. I'm in Natsume's living room, and already I'm getting cold feet. I just want to leave before he comes back home from the convenience store, where he went to buy some groceries for his mom, but Kaoru won't let me leave.
She doesn't know that Natsume and I are no longer best friends, it seems. She wishes me happy birthday so heartily that I don't have the heart to tell her that my birthday can't possibly be too happy when her son just broke my heart barely a month ago.
"He'll be back soon, Mikan. What plans do the both of you have for today?" Kaoru asks good-naturedly as she bustles about the house with her feather duster, dusting off the pictures above the fireplace meticulously.
They're pictures of Natsume and me, I notice as my heart promptly twists into knots.
"Come to think of it," Kaoru says thoughtfully, "I haven't seen you around for the past month, Mikan. Why, did you and Natsume get into a petty fight?" She smiles brightly at me.
I want to tell her that it's not just a petty fight. It's over between the two of us, and I don't even know why.
I opt to stand up and go to her instead, drawing her attention away from the topic at hand by pointing blindly at a random picture. "Wow, I was really cute when I was young," I gush half-heartedly.
"So was Natsume! The both of you were always sticking together, honestly, it was so cute! Natsume always liked to pretend that you meant less to him than you really were," Kaoru laughs the tinkling laugh that I have grown so familiar with over the years, "But he cares an awful lot about you. I remember how he came running to me in elementary school, asking me what girls would like for birthday presents." She turns to look kindly at me, "He never used to be too interested until you."
Until Yuki Edo, you mean, my mind screams none too kindly as my heart wrenches again at the thought of that name. The desire to go home has never been so strong. I decide to give up, and just start to open my mouth to say goodbye to Kaoru when the voice that I want and don't want to hear at the same time echoes softly through the room. "Mom, I'm home," Natsume calls from the door.
I hear the door close with a small 'bang', and I know that there's nowhere to run, but it's only when the once familiar dark red eyes stop on me that I just wish the ground will swallow me up.
I hadn't expected seeing him again to be this painful, but it is. All the unresolved questions, pain, anger, everything just comes out gushing. I wonder if it is actually possible to die due to emotional overwhelming.
When his eyes cloud over and become shuttered, I do feel like just dropping dead.
There is no question as to whether he secretly wants to see me or not. He doesn't. He doesn't miss me at all, not even a fig of how much I've been missing him for the past month.
Well. If this trip is only to prove how little I mean to him, it has certainly served its purpose. I want to go home and cry all over again, but I remember that Kaoru is there.
Great, now I can't even leave without looking bad.
"Hi," I say stiffly, even though what I really want to say is "Go to hell, you bastard."
Kaoru seems to sense that something is amiss between us, because she ushers us both into Natsume's room with the cake still in my arms, and then promptly locks us in.
Why she thinks we'll be able to solve our problems by locking us in his room is beyond me. In fact, the close proximity between us is so stifling that I'll jump out a window just to get away from him.
I force myself to stay put, however. You need answers, Mikan, I think to myself. Yes, I'll get the closure I need, then I'll put this friendship behind me forever and move on.
Although now, as I look at him staring stiffly at me, I wonder if it'll ever stop hurting, or even hurt less. I don't think I can see Natsume ever again after this.
"...Why are you here?" he asks.
"Wow, so you can talk," I can't help my sarcastic reply as I placed the cake on his study desk. "I thought you'd gone dumb, what with the silent treatment you've being giving me for a month."
He stays silent, simply staring at the floor. I realize that I was completely wrong when I thought that this will be able to give me closure. It's simply digging up all the old wounds. I'm bleeding all over again, and I don't think he even cares.
Well, I'm going to go through with this, whether he likes it or not. "I regret being your friend," I say with as much conviction as I can muster, and Natsume goes even stiffer as his head snaps up. "I regret putting so much effort into something for so many years when it evidently doesn't mean a thing to you. I mean, I can understand if you're going to get a girlfriend, but what's with just cutting me off without a word? It's not like I wouldn't support you if you found someone you loved."
I pause for a while, staring at my feet. I can't bring myself to look at his face and see what I'll have to find there.
"Right." I'm heaving a little as I start to shuffle towards the door, "I just came here to make you feel bad, really. Because I've been feeling really lousy for the past one month, and I'm petty."
I look at him then, and I'm taken aback by what I see. Natsume looks stricken. I've never seen him look like this throughout our fifteen years of friendship. Not once.
But it doesn't matter anymore, I tell myself. I'm out of his life.
I reach the door and twist the doorknob, the simple action oddly holding a sense of finality that makes my heart feel heavy. "I take it all back," I mutter, "all the friendship and love that I stupidly invested in someone like you. I take it all back."
Then the door is open, surprisingly, and I force myself to step out even though all I want to do is run into his arms and cry like a baby.
"Mikan," he calls. His voice is hoarse, deep with emotion, but I don't turn back, even though my resolve is already crumbling. I hate myself, I really do. Why am I so weak?
I walk faster to lessen the chances of my reneging on my promise with myself. You're out, Mikan, I think repeatedly, as I near the stairs, you're out and like hell you're going back.
But Natsume – damn him – comes out after me, something that I never thought he would do. "Mikan," he calls again, this time a bit more desperately.
My heart is already broken, so why won't this stupid love go away?
I whirl around, more angry at myself than him. "What?" I snap, "What more do you want? I don't want anything from you, Natsume Hyuuga. Okay, so I want a lot of things. But you obviously can't give them to me, so just go back to Yuki and leave me alone!"
I am aware that that just sounds childish and a bit jealous, but I'm past the point of caring. I prepare to stomp my way down the stairs as childishly as possible, but Natsume grabs my wrist. It's immediately on fire, I can hardly believe myself. "Let go," I mumble unconvincingly, and he pulls me closer to him, until I'm completely wrapped in his arms.
So this is what I've been missing, I think, and something that I'll never have. "Let go," I say again, this time with more conviction.
"I didn't mean -" Natsume starts to say, still holding me tight in his arms.
"I'm not going to help you cheat on Yuki even though my feelings for you are far from platonic," I hiss under my breath, "I've gotten over it."
"I'm not together with her."
I freeze. It's wrong for me to feel so happy at such an information, especially since I know how nice Yuki Edo is. But I am happy, and I feel so guilty about it that I try to wriggle out of Natsume's arms again. "That doesn't change anything -"
"I realized that I was just using her, and it wasn't right," his voice is soft and soothing, oddly calming even. I don't want to be taken in by his wiles but if he's trying to make me stay still, he's succeeding exceptionally.
"I was using her to satisfy my unrequited feelings for my best friend," he continues, and this time I'm so shocked that I start hiccuping.
"Wha – hic – What?"
Natsume laughs into my hair as he presses a soft kiss onto the top of head, making my heart flutter and butterflies start to fly around in my stomach. "I thought you didn't want me," he admitted, "I thought I had to forget you. I was stupid. I couldn't find a better way."
He pushes me to an arm's length away. "I was an idiot and I hurt you, I know. But I honestly didn't know -"
"What do you mean your unrequited feelings for your best friend?" I demand, "Is there another best friend I don't know of?"
Why is he allowed to look so happy and fulfilled while I have my mind all foggy and clouded here? I push his chest as hard as I can, "Talk."
He stares at me, and I stare back while my mind slowly starts to clear up.
"Oh," I finally manage to say, and Natsume smiles – really smiles – in a satisfied manner.
I can't help the silly smile that tugs at my lips, too. I shouldn't forgive him so easily, I know, but nothing stops me from going back into his arms again, sighing contentedly. "Idiot," I murmur, ironically calling him the nickname that he's been using on me for all these years.
"I thought you wouldn't want to see me again," he whispers into my ear, "You don't know how many times I had to dissuade myself from just barging into your house."
"You wouldn't dare," I laugh incredulously.
"I would have either today or tomorrow, if you hadn't come. Thank you for coming."
I smile up at him and he bends his head to kiss me, just as a tinkling laugh travels up from the floor below. "Kaoru is laughing at us," I whisper, embarrassed.
Natsume kisses me anyway, and the shiver of pleasure passes through me all the way to my toes.
I love him.
And he loves me.
This, I think, is our Happily Ever After.
A/N: Got this idea out of the blue and had to write it out for the sake of my saneness. I hope it's okay and that you guys enjoyed it!
/edit: I wrote this really late last night, so I discovered tons of mistakes while reading through it today, haha. I've taken out the typos and added in some small parts that I neglected yesterday. Enjoy! :)
-Annabel, 11/07/11
