A/N: So a little set up, this goes AU after Entropy but is set roughly 3 months after Penelope leaves WitSec. It's fluff pure and simple. Total crack as well. It came out of a desire to read about Derek being overprotective of a child that belongs to Reid and Garcia and realizing that Reid and Garcia having children is not something that's written about. So here it is.
Derek will appear more in later chapters. A lot more.
A decade ago if anyone had told Penelope Garcia that Spencer Reid would initiate a hug with her she would have laughed in their face. Nicely of course. But still. It would have happened. And furthermore if that same someone, or anyone else for that matter, had said that he would be perfectly fine with cuddling her on the couch she may have spit in that person's face. Of course she would have apologized profusely afterward, but the point stands.
Never in a million years would she have dreamed that she would have a very drunk Spencer Reid draped over her on Rossi's couch.
Yet here they are.
She's just as drunk as he is. In fact she may be a little further along. But she wants to encourage the behavior so she rolls with it and puts an arm around him. Leans her head on his.
It's nice.
She seems to have hazy memories of the team starting out the night together but she can't for the life of her remember where they are now. The only other person she's aware of is Rossi, sitting across from them with a glass of scotch in his hand. He looks three sheets to the wind though still more sober than she feels.
They sit for a while. Rossi's got a Rat Pack record playing but she can hear little noises from upstairs. The bathroom sink, footsteps, things like that. Penelope wonders if that's where the rest of the team has disappeared to.
When the record ends Rossi gets up and turns it off. He turns back to them with a sad look and asks, "Do you two need help getting to bed?"
Penelope startles at the words but Reid doesn't. He's practically catatonic, not saying anything, just staring off into space. She blinks up at Rossi, trying to figure out which of the three she should be speaking to, decides on the left one and says, "No sir, we're good."
He doesn't look convinced but still he sighs and says, "There's a trash can next to the couch. Use it if you need to. Don't break anything. Please. Including each other. I'm just down the hall. If you yell in either direction someone will hear you."
He stands there another few seconds, until Penelope realizes that he's waiting on her to respond so she says, "Okay. Got it. Yell loudly."
He sighs, shakes his head, and turns to leave.
They're quiet for another few minutes, in fact Penelope is relatively sure that Reid is basically asleep on top of her when he whispers, "I know that I shouldn't be upset. She didn't mean anything by it. She doesn't even know what she's doing anymore. Still..." He trails off.
Oh. Oh, that's right. They just got back from annual leave. That's why the team was drinking. That's why he was drinking tonight. He never drinks.
Penelope moves her hand to rub his arm in silent comfort. He seems to wake up a bit at the movement.
"It took everything I have not to leave when she started calling me William," He sniffles and her heart breaks.
"Oh my sweet baby genius," The words slip out of her mouth without any thought.
He shifts a bit, moves down so that he's laying on her chest. It occurs to her that if they were sober this whole thing would be terribly embarrassing. As drunk as they though it's just comfortable.
"It's just," He starts, "She isn't mad at him. Even when she's lucid she's so damn understanding. She really loves him. Even now."
Penelope wants to say something, it feels like she should say something, but all she can come up with is, "I love you. You are so precious."
"It brought back so much," He continues with a wary smile.
"So much what?"
"So many memories," He pauses, "Emily told me once that I should focus on the ten years that he gave me instead of what he took but I couldn't see it. I couldn't remember anything good. Just them fighting about me. But now," He stops again. Penelope moves her hand up to pet him. She's not really sure why but she feels like he needs to be petted.
"Did you know that my dad used to give me a book each Christmas? Even though I could read it in an hour he would make me wait it out. We would read a chapter a night. He thought that it would teach me patience. I miss that. I hate that I do. But I miss it."
"Reid," She starts, "It's okay to miss him and still be angry."
"No," He sits up and stares at her shakily, "I don't miss him. I just miss those moments. Not him. Never him."
"Okay, okay," She soothes.
He sort of falls back into her and takes a few seconds to get comfortable again before saying, "I miss having traditions, having a family, having someone to go home to."
"Oh sweetheart you have a family," She starts but he interrupts her.
"I know. I know that I have you all. And I love you. I do. But it's not the same. I mean Hotch has Jack, JJ has Will, Henry and Michael, Rossi has Joy, Derek has Savannah. Who do I have?"
He's looking at her earnestly but her still foggy brain focuses in on the fact that he doesn't mention her. She doesn't have anyone to go home to either.
That's when the idea hits in all it's drunk brilliance.
"We should have a baby!" She exclaims louder than she really intends to.
There's a loud noise from down the hall.
"What?" Reid asks in a high pitched voice. Suddenly seeming more sober than she thought he was.
"Then neither of us would be alone anymore. Think about it. I wouldn't be alone when you all go away. You would have someone to come home to. Oh sweet genius. Our babies would be brilliant. Perfect. Seriously we're depraving the world by not having them." Her logic is sound, she's sure of it.
There are footsteps coming down the hall hurriedly.
Reid sits up enough to look her in the eyes and says, "I think maybe we should wait until we're sober to make life altering decisions."
Also sound logic she's willing to concede.
"Okay, but we'll talk about it again later," She says with a sigh.
The footsteps go back down the hall.
"Penelope. Thank you for offering though," He's completely earnest as he lays his face back in her chest.
CM CM CM
Penelope doesn't bring it up again the next day. Mainly because she spends most of the next day so hungover that even opening her eyes is a challenge but also because she wakes up to the team packing and racing out the door for Omaha which makes any sort of conversation difficult. Especially, you know, already difficult conversations.
But the idea is still there digging its way into her brain.
A lot depends on the case the team is on at the time but if she can swing it Penelope tries to spend at least one day a week with her godsons. Jessica will drop off Jack (who is not technically her godson but is still hers) and Will will hand over Henry and Michael for the day. She tries to schedule it so that they're at her place but occasionally she has to take them to the office.
So sometimes she ends up with three little boys in her work space.
It isn't the greatest situation but Penelope prides herself on being able to handle anything and it isn't like she's giving up her time with the boys. So she creates games for them to play and stresses very early on that they are never to look at her screens without permission.
The team's fourth day in Omaha is such a day.
The longer the case goes on - the worse it is - the more Penelope starts to think that maybe fate is telling her not to have children. At least not this way.
Until late in the afternoon, when the team is wrapping up what turned out to be a pretty cut and dry case despite appearances to the contrary, and Penelope is taking a breather to feed Michael while Jack and Henry play hot wheels on the floor. It's then that she thinks, "I could do this."
Though it's never whether or not she could do this, Penelope Garcia can do anything she puts her mind too, so much as whether or not she should that bothers her.
CMCMCM
Spencer thinks that the team is probably chalking his current weirdness up to what happened while he was on leave. He's content to let them keep thinking that way. In fact if he's honest they aren't entirely wrong. Though it isn't the whole story.
He has no idea if Penelope was being serious about her offer but he can't get it out of his head. The idea of a baby is appealing. It's mixing with all of the newly recalled memories of his father. Only now when he thinks about them, about reading books in his childhood bedroom and eating dinosaur shaped pancakes, he's the father instead of the child.
There are so many things he would do differently and he desperately wants the chance to prove it. To prove that he can.
More than that he's just so damn tired of going home alone.
The team follows their usual MO and waits until the case is over to bring up personal issues which gives Spencer some time to get his thoughts together.
To his relative shock it's JJ that comes to speak to him on the jet. She usually waits until they have more privacy. Derek is normally the one that talks to him here.
One minute she's sitting next to him and the next her hand is on his arm while he's trying to turn the page of his book.
"Spence," She starts and just like that he knows he's going to spill his guts. It's only a matter of time.
"I'm okay," He says with a smile.
"Of course you are. But if you need to talk about what happened when you went to see your mom I'm here."
Spencer glances up to Derek and Rossi across from him, both at least feigning sleep and says, "It just brought up a lot of things I hadn't dealt with."
"But you're going to deal with them now right?" She leads, "Talk to me Spence."
He sighs before answering, "It just reminded me of what it's like you know?"
JJ gives him a look that says very clearly the he needs to explain himself.
"What it was like when he was there. What it was like before he left. I convinced myself that it was all horrible but it wasn't. At least mom didn't think so. He helped me with my homework and he read to me sometimes. He liked to cook. I didn't remember that. He used to cut my sandwiches in weird shapes. That's how I learned geometry."
JJ's smiling sadly and Spencer is suddenly very aware that Rossi and Derek are just faking.
"You miss him," She says and he opens his mouth to refute her but she cuts him off, "Spence, you do miss him. And that's okay. It's okay to miss the good things. It's okay to admit that there were good things. It doesn't change what happened later but..."
"I know that things are often, almost always, more complex than they appear to children. I know intellectually that at 10 years old I was no more able to handle emotional turmoil than any other 10 year old," He starts.
"Spence," JJ interjects.
"I want to be angry at him. I like being angry at him. It makes it easier somehow," He admits for the first time.
"You deserve to be angry at him," JJ agrees.
"Yes I do," He agrees because of all the facts that exist in his head that's the one with the most truth.
"It's okay to be angry at him for what he did and still miss the way things were when he was around," JJ keeps going, echoing Penelope's words just last week.
"I just miss having someone you know? I miss knowing that there's someone at home who would miss me if I didn't come back. I don't think I've had that since he left," He admits.
Rossi and Derek both seem to stiffen at his words. Impressive for sleeping people.
"When we land you should come over and see the boys," JJ suggests after a moment, "I think Henry really misses his Uncle Spence."
CM CM CM
When they get to JJ's place Henry takes a flying leap at Spencer. JJ walks on around them while Henry talks his godfather's ear off. She comes back a moment later and dumps Michael in his lap.
The baby immediately smiles and starts babbling.
He knows what she's trying to do. She's trying to show him that there are people who would miss him if he didn't come home. And it works. Kinda.
At least, when he leaves he knows that he has to talk to Penelope. If she says no he'll deal with it. But the chance of her saying yes, well that's worth any embarrassment this conversation might bring.
CMCMCM
In a shocking turn of events Reid shows up at Rossi's place at noon the day after they return from Omaha. Rossi's out golfing with Hotch so Penelope answers the door.
He's rather adorable standing there with his bag around him looking nervous.
"Hey Reid, what's up?" She answers with a smile.
"Just thought I would stop in and see if you wanted to watch the last few episodes of Doctor Who," He answers shyly, pulling out a bag of candy.
"Of course. You know I can't get enough Clara," She smirks, making a grab at the goodies.
They're two episodes into the five they haven't seen yet, sitting next to each other on the couch with a giant bowl of popcorn and an empty bag of gourmet candy in front of them when Reid asks, "How are you doing?"
He's quiet, reserved, the way he only is when emotions are involved; when things are real.
"I'm okay," Is the standard answer, the one she's been giving the team for almost three months. There's something in his eyes though that makes her sigh and say, "You can't say anything okay? I've talked to Derek about it but I don't want everyone else knowing."
Reid nods.
"It's been hard. Really hard. I mean you would think that having a group of hit men after you would be but after's pretty hard too. I basically lost everything. My landlord already rented out my place to someone else and reported me for abandoning my lease so I can't find anywhere else to rent. At least not in a good area. So I'm stuck here for the indefinite future. Rossi's been great you know…" She trails off realizing that what she's just said sounds terribly ungrateful.
"But it still isn't home?" Reid finishes for her.
"Yeah I mean it's nice to sleep in a real bed again and I love the privacy. Plus he has a Jacuzzi and that thing...But it makes me feel like a teenager back at home with dad you know? I feel like I can't go anywhere without permission. On the bright side he always leaves me pizza money on the refrigerator."
God love him, Reid isn't laughing the way Derek did.
"What did Derek say?"
"He offered to help me find a place and then he said that everyone's worried and that if I just go with it and give it time it will get better."
"The team does have a unique way of making you feel like a wayward child. But he's right. After everything I know that I feel better knowing where you are and that you're okay," He's incredibly earnest looking. So much so that she's willing to acknowledge his words.
"I know and if it were anyone else I would probably feel the same way," She's willing to admit. And the thing is she would. Hell, she just spent a week worried about Reid because his mom mistook him for his dad. She can only imagine how worried she would be if he were in her place.
Reid just nods. They sit another few seconds before he asks, "What about Sam?"
Her breath hitches and her hand freezes in the popcorn, "What about him?"
"Have you talked to him?" He asks innocently. She tries to keep it in mind that he doesn't do well with crying women.
She shifts a bit, moves her legs under her and makes herself smaller before answering, "He had already moved on. I called and he freaked out. He was so mad at me for just leaving. And I get it you know? He had no real word. He didn't really know if I was alive or not."
Reid puts an arm around her and squeezes her shoulder. Seriously.
"It's fine really. Just one more thing to add to the pile I guess," She shifts uncomfortably and he takes the moment to rub her shoulder.
"No it's not fine. You don't deserve this," he says with a sad smile and she lays her head on his chest. Might as well take advantage if he's offering.
They sit like that for another episode before Reid asks, "Were you serious last week?"
Penelope may have been drunker than Christmas that night but she makes it a point to remember offering to have someone's babies. For example she's offered to have Derek's babies 938 times in the past 2 years.
"I mean if you were just joking or changed your mind it's fine. I thought maybe we should talk about it…" He stops when she sits up and puts a hand over his mouth.
"I honestly don't know if I was serious or not. It's certainly a thought," She answers, "Why?"
Her heart is suddenly beating through her chest waiting on his answer.
"I've always wanted kids. I wasn't always very good with them but I think I do alright with Jack, Henry and Michael…"
"Spencer is that your way of saying you want to do this?" She ventures and he blushes.
"It's just I don't think I'm going to find someone that I want to marry anytime soon you know? But I don't want to miss out on being a dad just because of that. I want a family."
Penelope takes a long minute to think while Spencer sits anxiously next to her.
"It's not even about Mom. Or what happened. Not really. I've wanted kids for a long time. And I think I could do an okay job with them. I had thought a while back about getting a surrogate…" He trails off, fidgeting.
"Really?" She has to ask, "Why didn't you?"
"Because I don't know if I could give up the team. I'm not like Hotch. I don't have someone at home who would be willing to help me raise my child. And I don't have Rossi's money to hire someone to be on call 24/7. Plus, I don't like the idea of my child being raised by someone I'm paying. So either I take the kid away on cases with me, and let's face it if that were possible Hotch would have Jack staying at the hotels with us, or I quit. And I can't quit. You all are my family too," He's matter of fact about the whole thing.
She laughs a little at that before sobering enough to ask, "Why me?"
Spencer gives her that look. The one that says that he sees right through her, straight down to the insecurity. The places that she normally only lets Derek go.
"Penelope you're one of my best friends. I didn't ask you initially because I didn't think you would do it. Having someone's baby and then giving it away is extremely difficult. But having to be around that baby after all is said and done, knowing that you won't be called mom? It seemed cruel to ask. But when you asked that night I thought...maybe. "
"Maybe what?"
Then he offers up some insecurity of his own.
"Maybe it wouldn't mean you giving me a baby so much as us raising a baby together. I never thought anyone would want to do that with me…"
"Oh sweet genius anyone would be lucky to raise a child with you!" She can't stop herself from saying. Nor would she want to.
The tips of his ears turn red and she flicks one.
"The thing is I've never really wanted kids. I've always been happy being Aunt Pen. And," She pauses to sigh, "I've always been scared."
"Scared?"
"I never want to leave anyone behind the way my parents left me," Her voice hitches and he tightens his arm around her.
Spencer nods with a sad look and says, "That's fine. I just had to ask…"
"No! Let me finish," She interrupts, "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, with you know, what I've been through. And I keep coming back to, what exactly am I leaving in the world? We're all going to die and I'm no exception. I want to leave behind goodness. I want to leave peace and harmony. And what better way to do that than to have a baby? I wasn't kidding that night, you and me? Our babies would be fantastic."
"They would be pretty perfect," He answers with a smug smile that makes her grin back.
"So are we really doing this?" She has to ask.
"Yeah I guess we are."
"How exactly? Because I love you but…" She trails off suddenly anxious about logistics.
"What do you... Oh no. No. We can do IVF. I may not have Rossi money but I do have some money saved up. And I could always sneak to Atlantic City if came down to it," He looks uncomfortable enough that she has to kiss him on the cheek.
"Good," She sighs in relief as she looks him in the eyes, "I have some money too. It doesn't all fall on you."
"Good. That's good. What happens after though?" It's probably the most uncertain he's sounded all night.
"Let's just take this one step at a time, okay? We'll find an endocrinologist and set up appointments. Figure out the how. Once you put the bun in my oven we'll look at the rest of it," That's sensible right? That feels sensible.
"Are you sure?" He asks.
She takes a deep breathe, long enough to think about a little blonde headed genius baby, to hear someone calling her mom, and it's all she can do not to smile widely.
"Yeah. It'll work itself out," She's almost sure of it.
"But what about living spaces? I mean we can't raise a child in Rossi's house," He points out reasonably.
"Why not? It's big enough. He's never here anyway. I bet he'd never notice," She says waving a hand around at the big empty house.
"I don't think he would like it," Spencer sounds dubious.
"He'll never notice," She repeats patting him on the stomach.
They get another episode started before Spencer exclaims, "Oh God. What about Morgan, what are we gonna tell him? He'll kill me for getting you pregnant. And Hotch. What are we gonna tell Hotch?" He sits up suddenly, dislodging her and looking genuinely upset at the idea.
"Spencer calm down. Let me deal with Derek. He won't kill the father of my children. And he would never hurt you anyway. If it comes down to it when we tell Hotch I'll jump in front of you and scream 'Don't hurt the baby!' That would stop him in his tracks," She reaches out a hand to grab his, pulling him back down.
He seems to realize how absurd he's being because he smiles a little and says, "Maybe you're right. We should probably wait to deal until there's something to deal with."
"Exactly. Right now though I just wanna watch Clara die."
CM CM CM
As many killers as he's faced over the years and one could still be forgiven for thinking that asking Penelope to have his children was the most nerve racking moment of his life. They might even be right.
But it's done now and she's said yes and there is nothing more that Spencer wants to do than smile.
He's sure that the bottom is going to fall out eventually. They may not ever even do IVF, hell they may not even get to the point of making an appointment. But right now he's going to be happy in the fact that even for a moment in time someone wants to have his children. He has a chance at creating the family he should have had. The one he's always wanted.
Hope is a wonderful thing.
CMCMCM
Hotch and Rossi show up with ten minutes left in the last episode. Rossi takes one look at them, their empty candy bags and their half eaten bowl of popcorn and says, "Aaron, this is what I come home to now!"
Then he leans down to kiss Penelope on the head and ruffle Spencer's hair. Penelope bats him away while Spencer shushes him.
Rossi holds out his hands as if to say, 'See I told you." But Hotch just shakes his head like he's being put upon.
"Come on Dave let them finish the episode. It's only got another 10 minutes or so."
Rossi sighs and moves to the kitchen with Hotch following him.
Penelope spends most of dinner with the three of them convinced that Hotch or Rossi is going to figure out exactly what they're planning. She isn't sure why but she feels like a teenage girl having dinner with her parents after giving her boyfriend a blow job for the first time.
A little embarrassed, kinda powerful, but mostly like there's something in her hair or teeth that's going to give her away.
She isn't even sure why she's operating like this is a secret, except that they just made the decision not two hours ago and it feels a bit premature to start talking to other people about it.
Especially Hotch and Rossi type people.
So she waits and as soon as Spencer leaves for the evening she retreats upstairs to her baby and does what she does best. Research.
As it turns out there is a lot of stuff available about IVF. Tons in fact. There are even support groups. By the end of the night she's joined a few of them and even made a few friends on the forums.
CM CM CM
As it turns out you can't just call an endocrinologist and make an appointment to get knocked up. Penelope knows because she tried. The best doctor she can find can't get her in for two months. Which according to the seven support groups she's joined online is actually rather fast.
How sad is that?
It helps somewhat that between them they can pay cash up front and in full. Or well, Spencer's paying most of it but she's okay with that because she figures she's the one doing the hard work.
Either way, while two months is a long time to still live with Rossi, it isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. It fact it's only three cases. Three long, hard, bad cases but if anything that just reaffirms her resolve to add some awesomeness to the world.
