A/N: This story deals with self harm in great detail, as well as vague descriptions of sexual abuse. Please do not read this if that upsets you.

Maya sat down at the wooden desk in her room, staring down the pocket knife on the edge of it. It had been two weeks since Riley had caught her in the middle of her dirty little secret, which was pretty much the worst case scenario. Since then she had been seeing the school counselor twice a week. It was the only way Riley would agree to keep this secret between the two of them. But Maya knew it was only a matter of time before the rest of her friends found out.

The counselor, Mr. Brooks, had provided her with a few strategies to subdue her urges to cut. She now wore an array of multicolored rubber bands on her arms, snapping them when she would normally turn to her pocket knife.

But it wasn't the same.

Her mother was off somewhere, as usual. Maya's stepfather, Rick, was drinking himself out of his misery. He would probably come see her later tonight. The thought of that terrified her. Maya needed relief. She was snapping the rubber bands furiously, but it wasn't enough. Not today.

How could she do this? She knew how much she was hurting Riley every time she hurt herself. She knew if Riley found out that she'd cut again, she would be destroyed. She would cry and blame herself for not being enough to make Maya stop. How could Maya but her best friend through that, just so she could get a little relief?

She was selfish. So selfish.

Sighing at herself for being so weak, she opened the pocket knife and pressed it against her flesh. Deeper and deeper, until she saw dots of red appear on her skin. She watched as more dots appeared, blurring into one red line.

In the back of her mind, she knew it was wrong. She knew she shouldn't be doing this to herself. But why? This was her drug, her comfort. Her blade was there for her when no one else could be. It kept her going. How could that be so wrong? If cutting herself kept her from killing herself, could it really be so bad?

She wasn't killing herself. The thought had crossed her mind many times, yes, but when it did she just cut herself. Not deep enough to die, just deep enough to silence the demons screaming in her head.

Since that night, Maya had cut herself many more times. Thankfully, Riley hadn't found out. Sure, she was a little bit suspicious and she asked about it a lot, but she hadn't seen the cuts. What was she going to do, yank up the sleeves of Maya's shirt and check for herself?

Riley would always ask Maya how she was feeling, code for "have you cut again?" The answer was yes, of course, but it was so much easier to say "I'm doing great" and change the subject.

It was so much easier to lie.

She hated lying to her best friend, but her options were limited. If Riley knew how much Maya was struggling with this, she would tell her parents. Maya just knew that if Mr. and Mrs. Matthews found out they would never let Riley see her again. They would they she was some mental freak. Farkle and Lucas would obviously choose Riley over her and she'd be all alone. She'd probably never eat breakfast again and she'd be forced to spend even more time with Rick.

Okay, so maybe Maya was being a tad dramatic, but she couldn't help but assume the worst. After all, her entire life seemed to be comprised of a series of worst case scenarios, stitched together by pain.

Lucas and Farkle were completely oblivious to Maya's little secret.

Lucas had known that something was up with Maya for a while now, but he didn't have any solid idea as to what that might be. To him, Maya was just the cute rebel who he had become very close with over the past three years. Maya knew he (as well as Farkle) would eventually out about her secret, just as Riley did, but for now she would do anything she could to keep them in the dark. She knew it was horrible, but it was what she had to do. Both Lucas and Farkle had the tendency to obsess over everyone's well being. They'd be shattered if they knew.

Farkle had not the slightest idea that anything was wrong. He was still the same goofy kid from seventh grade. He was incredibly intelligent, yes, but so childishly naive and oblivious. He had a certain innocence about him that Maya knew she had to protect.

Snapping herself out of her thoughts, Maya finished getting dressed for school. Her phone buzzed with a text from Riley, explaining that she was sick and not coming into school today. Maya sighed. That meant no breakfast for her. She grabbed her backpack and walked downstairs, sprinting out of the house as fast as she could. She didn't want to see Rick, or her mom, or whoever else was down there. She didn't want to see bottles everywhere, or smoke circling the kitchen, or that ugly green couch. She couldn't bear to look at it. So she didn't. She ran.

She ran and ran, until she got to the front doors of Lucas's apartment complex Maya and Riley had started meeting him here in the mornings in eight grade. Farkle still preferred to take the bus to school, so it was usually just the three of them.

Right on cue, the tall, handsome boy swung open the doors of the lobby, smiling at her. Maya loved it when he smiled. It made it feel like everything was okay for once. Plus, he had totally cute dimples that showed when he smiled. Not that Maya obsessed over them. She refused to admit to herself that she had feelings for this boy.

He would never love her. No one would. She was unlovable. She pushed people away, she hurt the people she cared about. No one could put up with that. She refused to admit her feelings for him because she knew she didn't have a chance. No use setting herself up for more hurt.

"Maya? Helloooo?" Lucas snapped her out of her thoughts, and she realized they were well on their way to the subway. She kicked a piece of ice on the sidewalk.

"Yeah?"

"I was saying, you've been... Weird lately. Like... I don't know. Not my usual Maya. Please just... I don't know. Tell me what's going on. I want to help you." He said quietly, staring down at his shoes.

Maya blushed. However, the butterflies in her stomach were quickly replaced by fear. He was catching on. She knew he had been worried about her for some time now, but he was now confronting her about it. She knew it was he would find out soon enough.

"Nothing's going on. I'm just... I don't know. Tired, I guess. School and stuff..." Stuff like her absent mother, cleaning up after her drunken stepfather, dealing with said stepfather's drunken actions, her repressed feelings for Lucas, constantly worrying about people finding out... Maya added mentally to her list. But she could never admit any of that to Lucas.

It would ruin everything.