Here.
A little sympathy for you to waste on me
I know you're faking it
but that's okay
And I don't want to drag it out
Don't want to
bring you down
I never wanted it to end this way
She was driving me
crazy. And that has to be saying something. I dealt with priests had
no more self-guidance abilities then babies, had held a political
party together when the Youth League attacked incessantly, and had
gone through rigorous Crimson Squad exercises, all maintaining a cool
head. She, however, was making me crazy. Wacko. Insane. Making me
jump off the deep end. I was hopelessly, desperately, insanely in
love with her, and she couldn't, or wouldn't look my way. I know
she fell in love with this elusive him. And that he
disappeared when Sin was defeated. But why did that have to mean she
could never love again? She humors me. She doesn't want to hurt me,
so she lets me fall in love with her. And I don't want to keep
going on like this. I'm sinking and I'm trying to drag her with
me. I didn't want it to end this way. Even if I wanted
to
I don't think that I'd get to you
There's nothing I can say
to you to make you feel alive again.
I can't do a damn
thing to help her. She stays with her friends, they warm her, make
her happy. But when she goes to sleep at night, I can see it in her
eyes. The pain, the love, the fact that it's me that is there to
hold her at night, not him. I know what she does to herself,
how she forces herself into a numb, almost dreamlike state so she
can't feel these emotions storm around inside her, tear her apart.
And it's funny, because I wish that I could do that. Could force
myself not to feel emotion when I pour all I have into a kiss and
still can't warm her heart. Still can't bring her back to
life. Here. A little jealousy
I hope you think of
me
Hope you wonder where I sleep at night
Cause I feel like
I'm inside out
You got me upside down
Maybe I was holding on
too tight
And it's crazy. I'm
jealous of Rikku, of Paine. I'm jealous of the fact that they can
make her laugh, can make her happy, when I can barely make her smile.
I'm jealous of Wakka, of Lulu. I can see that she loves them, that
she softens herself for them, becomes genuine. I'm jealous of
Brother and his ability to love her from afar, never wanting more
than her friendship and to be able to admire her. And damnit, I'm
jealous of Nooj and Gippal. Nooj fell for Paine, Gippal for Rikku.
Those two women love their men without complaint, without
insecurities. They are genuine in their kisses. Whenever their men
pour their heart and soul into a kiss, you can bet the feeling is
reciprocated. Sometimes, I find myself lying awake in the bed, my
back to you. I know you know I'm awake. And somehow, I know you're
awake, too. I find myself hoping, praying you'll say something. Ask
me what I'm thinking. Ask me where I wander in my dreams. I hate
that I hope for these things because every time I'm let down. I
feel like I'm holding my heart on my sleeve, like I'm open to
you. And you never come to me, never warm the hear that's freezing
in the bitter cold. I'm going crazy for you, but maybe…maybe
that's the problem. Maybe I want you too much. Is that
healthy? Even if I wanted to So don't just say goodbye to me
I don't think that I'd get
to you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive
again
Just turn your back
away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret,
your only friend.
I want, so desperately,
to know what the magic words are. The words that will make you come
alive, will make you able to love me. They aren't 'I love you.'
When I told you that, you smiled sadly and turned away from me,
changed the subject. That ripped me to pieces. So now I want you not
even to say goodbye. I want you to walk away from me, never looking
back to see my heart being shredded. Then I'll be the last thing
you regret. But I'll also be the only one in Spira that loves you
as a lover should. I won't regret it. I'll want to make you
happy. But it will still tear me apart. Tears will fall like
shattered glass, but I'll just smile and say, "I'm fine, just
fine," and keep moving with life. The two of us we dream
like one
The two of us, the two of us
The two of us take breath
like one
The two of us, the two of us
Maybe you don't know
it, but I do. I know that our dreams cross paths when we sleep. I
know that we drift together in that strange dimension that our dreams
take us. And I know that our breathing is like one single motion.
Breath in, breath out. In, out. In, out. In an endless pattern that I
could listen to and feel forever. But if I did…it would kill me.
Because you'll never know. You'll never listen to our heartbeats
and think, 'This is beautiful, this is magic.' You'll never
love me back. And I think I've finally come to realize and accept
this. Well, not accept it. But understand it. I guess that
this is over now
I guess it's called the falling out
But
everyday I'm learning how to make it through this life I'm in
I left. I had to, it
would have killed me. Killed me to stay in the same bed with you at
night, killed me trying not to touch you and pull you close, to kiss
you and say I love you. To beg you to say the same. But now that I've
moved out, now that I'm back to living in Bevelle, I realize I have
to relearn how to live without you. It's crazy and masochistic, the
way I let myself get hurt and beat up and torn up over you and yet
still loved you, still harbored some hope that maybe, just maybe,
you'd love me back. When you had made it clear through all the
words you'd never said that you'd never love me. That you cared
about me, but you couldn't love me, couldn't hold me as lover.
But now I have to learn how to go on without you there. How to not
compare every woman to you. And I still will sit back in my desk
sometimes and find myself imagining your face when things are hard.
Because you're still, in the sickest way possible, a comfort to
me. Even if I wanted to So don't just say goodbye to me
I don't think that I'd get to
you
There's nothing I can say to you to make you feel alive
again
Just turn your back
away and leave
And if you're lucky I will be your last regret,
your only friend
Don't come looking for me. Don't come to say goodbye, don't come to say you're sorry. Just don't. Because then I'll just want you more. I'll remember even clearer how you always worried about other people's feelings, how you never wanted to hurt me. How you let me go on loving you, how I let myself go on loving you. How I failed in trying to make you come alive again. I failed you, I failed myself. I know that's why we came together to begin with. You wanted someone who could make you feel love again. I couldn't be that someone. So I'm sorry. Now turn around and leave. Don't look back, try to forget our memories. Try to forget me and your regrets. Try to forget that I'm the only one in Spira that loves you like he did. No. Just forget me and keep walking.
But I will never forget.
