Title: Favors
Series: Halo / Red vs. Blue
Author: ConfessYourSins
Rating: PG-13
Main Characters: Church, Caboose, Simmons, Grif, Tex, Donut
Warnings: Excessive language, BL
Pairings: Church x Caboose, Simmons x Grif
Disclaimer: I don't own Halo or Red vs. Blue. I have Microsoft/Bungie Studios and Roosterteeth to thank for those.
Dedicated to my Sora MUSE, 1/2 of The Medic, because she actually sat with me while I watched massive amounts of RvB even though she had no idea where the hell in the seasons I was. Also for listening to me read this out loud like, a hundred times to see if they sounded in character or not.
"They totally do! I love Caboose in the next chapter!"
Favors
Chapter One .: buenos dias, cockbite :.
Dick Simmons 2.0 slammed the receiver down in its cradle before she could finish. 'She' was Alison, aka Freelancer Tex, aka Church's sadistic ex-girlfriend. Since they'd escaped Blood Gulch and returned to the near-present from the future they accidentally destroyed, life had gone by pretty uneventfully minus the mildly shocking reassignment of Sarge, Simmons, Grif, and Donut to Moon Colony K Red Base, while Church, Caboose, and Tucker had been assigned to Moon Colony L Blue Base.
At least they weren't in another box canyon.
Before he could unplug the phone it rang again. Simmons cursed the army for insisting on using old-school landlines as a safety measure to prevent line hacking; landlines could still be traced, and they liked keeping a tight leash on their lieutenants since the mishap at Blood Gulch.
The machine clicked over to the recording machine and Tex's voice rang loud and clear: "Buenos dias, cockbite. I've come to co—"
Just as Simmons unplugged the recorder the front door slid open and Grif walked in, a bundle of groceries in his hands.
"Well hello!" Simmons called out cheerfully in an attempt to distract Grif for two seconds so he didn't notice the phone.
"Uhh." Grif arched a brow and stared at Simmons for a second, then shrugged it off and walked into the kitchen. "I bought groceries. For myself. Do not eat them."
Simmons rolled his eyes and sat down in the recliner. "Listen, even if I was hungry, I wouldn't even be able to eat what you bought, remember? Advanced polymer stomach…"
Grif popped his head out of the kitchen, a powdered doughnut hanging between his lips. "Oh yeah!" he mused as he bit into the doughnut and let it fall from his mouth. He caught it in his hand and added, "I've got your stomach now! And your lungs, and your kidneys… and your spleen…"
"Yeah, I get it. You can shut up now."
Simmons came to the sudden realization that – although the phone was unplugged – Grif would undoubtedly find a way to either accidentally plug it back in and redial Tex, or Tex would just show up and Grif would end up dead. Or a ghost; more likely than not he would end up a ghost and come back to haunt Simmons for fun.
That thought made him cringe.
"Hey, dude," Grif said as he walked over to Simmons and waved a hand in his face. "You alive there?" He paused, then added, "Because if you're not, I call dibs on your armor."
"Can it, Grif," he growled as he stepped away. "I think you should leave. Now."
"What the hell are you talking about? I just got back, you cockbite."
Simmons groaned inwardly as he tried to think of a somewhat legitimate reason for why he needed Grif to leave. His mind wandered back to the day before, when this had all started. He should have seen it coming, but as usual he had been distracted by Grif's lack of intelligence.
"What the hell are you doing here, Church?" Simmons asked in surprise, staring at the soldier before him. "You do realize that you're in the Red base, right? And where's your body?"
As a favor to Church and Tex – or rather a bargain to prevent themselves from being hunted by the Freelancer later in life – Sarge and Simmons had created cyborg humanoid bodies for them to use in addition to Tucker informing Blue Command that Church wasn't dead. Yes, it was all one big misunderstanding, the part about him being dead. When they had asked Tucker about Sergeant Flowers, he just had to laugh; Church seemed to have an affinity for killing people on accident, it seemed.
Sergeant Flowers, he had explained through muffled snickers, had been killed in action by a freak malfunction of the teleporter during a brutal battle with the Reds. Without surprise, Vic had bought the story and initiated the protocol to amend said 'deceased' status of Private Church, also giving him a much appreciated promotion to Private First Class, now equaling Tucker in rank.
After all, Church had died for the war.
Church shrugged in his kidapped body, unpossessed the soldier, then whacked him squarely in the back of the head. The unknown soldier's body dropped to the floor with a loud thud.
"You might wanna clean that up," he pointed out as his ghostly figure walked through Simmons and into the room. "Hey, Grif's not here, is he?"
Simmons dragged the body into the room and dumped it to the side of the door, then hit the button to lock the door. "He's sleeping. It is after midnight. I think he's got a training course in the morning. But back to you; what the hell do you want, Blue?"
"I need to talk to you." Before Simmons could argue Church confessed, "I'm gay."
Simmons stared blankly at the blue PFC before him. Had his jaw not been firmly held in place by nuts and bolts it would've dragged against the floor as he took a step forward. "And you couldn't tell Donut?!"
"He would've told Caboose." After a pause he added, "Son of a bitch."
"Holy crap, Church. You like… Caboose?"
Church chuckled awkwardly and sat down on the couch, propping his legs up on the coffee table in front of him. "Man, if I could find a way to fucking explain it to you—"
"You like the team killing fucktard that shot you?!"
"He didn't actually kill me," Church noted. "When I went back in time, I found out that—"
"I don't care," Simmons mumbled. "Okay, you like Caboose, but what about Tex?"
"Yeah... about Tex…"
"What in God's name happened this time?"
Church grinned and wrung his hands together. "Sarge much?"
"CHURCH." Simmons said the one word deliberately to catch Church's full attention.
"Yeah?" he asked as he eyed Simmons warily.
"What the hell did you do?"
"Oh, it's not what I did… exactly."
"Just spit it out," Simmons demanded angrily. "You woke me up at almost one in the morning to tell me that not only are you gay… but for starters, you pissed off Tex? Maybe it's just me, but that seems like a pretty bad fucking idea."
As Church shifted in his seat, he nodded his head. "Yeah, pissing off Tex usually ends up with me losing my body but I didn't exactly piss her off…"
"Then what did you do?"
"It started with a bottle of tequila—"
"You're a ghost in a robot body, Church. Don't even try and use the 'I was drunk' excuse on me. I'm not Grif."
"Wow, I can really see the deep and meaningful relationship you two have developed as roommates since we left Blood Gulch and destroyed the future," Church teased. "It's obvious you share a special bond indestructible by the normal stresses of everyday life."
Simmons did not seem amused. "Get on with it, you fucktard."
"Yeah, well… she's on her way to your colony for a mission that she's going to need your help on."
"And I would help her because?"
Church pulled his knee into his chest and gave Simmons a snooty half-smile. "Oh, don't think she forgot. Tex never fucking forgets. Remember when we were in the future and Tucker told you and Grif to give Tex a favor in return for her help getting Lopez's head back?"
"Yeah."
"Well she's callin' it in."
"Hey man, what's wrong with you?" Grif asked as he waved his doughnut in Simmons' face.
Simmons blinked rapidly, then put a hand on his hip with a heavy sigh. "You need to leave," he repeated as he rubbed a hand to his temple.
"Only a chick could give you a headache this big."
A.N.: I love RvB beyond all comprehension, and that is where this started. After a binge of all the seasons (in complete non-order) I finally decided to suck it up and write fanfiction for it because I love this series. So I hope you enjoyed it and pretty please review, because if you haven't noticed yet I stick almost entirely to the Kingdom Hearts (II) fandom. This is a little bit outside my general area of expertise.
Please let me know if you have any questions; this does start off a little confusingly. I'll answer any questions posted in reviews; I recommend asking in a review and not in a PM because I don't actually check my email that often.
That said, I hope you enjoyed this!!
Adios, cockbites.
