This was inspired by a Strictly Dramione post based on a Tweet by Laurazepam ( andilikelaura). If I did not come up with the excerpt, I will give credit. The first excerpt will be the tweet that started it all, thank you Laura! I did an update to this chapter after rewatching QE so I hope this is a little better.

Glimpses of the Fab Five's takeover of Hogwarts:

[Queer Eye, Hogwart's Edition]

Tan: Today we're meeting Rubeus Hagrid

Hagrid, holding dead rabbits: 'Ello

Jonathan: YAS QUEEN! You are giving me so much sexy mountain man face, I can't even. You can take me to the forbidden forest anytime.

[The Wardrobe Raid]

Tan: *pulls out the flower tie* "Oh no. Oh Rubeus, no. This, I cannot. This is going away. Far, far away where no one has to see it again. Does the Giant Squid eat felt? Maybe Fang can use it as a chew toy, but Rubeus, no. We're going to the Broad and Burly store and getting you something that suits you. I'm thinking forest green, midnight blue, something that is reminiscent of the forest and less reminiscent of the peewee girl's quidditch team uniforms, yeah?

Hagrid: Actually, eh, just Hagrid works.

Tan: My apologies, but I'm still tossing the tie.

Karamo: There's a lot of bright colors, but nothing that screams "Rubeus Hagrid" at me. This all seems like you're trying to be something you're not. Now I know you mentioned that you were raised by your dad and you tried to fit and had a tough time of it during your third year. Do you think that maybe that's where this forced bright and colorful persona is from? It just, this doesn't feel like you. Your joy seems to come more from the animals and students and nature, but I'm still feeling some darkness. Do you want to talk about it?

Hagrid: Uh...

Antoni: I smell something. It smells like…

Tan: Blerg! Hagrid! I was checking out this coat and found…

Antoni: SAUSAGES!

Bobby: I'm all about having a snack here and there, but unwrapped sausages in your coat pocket?

Hagrid: I get hungry at work, and Buckbeak is more agreeable with something in his belly, ye know?

Tan: No, no, no, I canNOT. Antoni, you are handling this. Rubeus, we are NOT putting food into pockets. Please. No more.

[Shopping in Hogsmeade]

Tan: I love leather, I do, but this moleskin is a little messy looking. We're going to try and neaten up this look a bit by going with some vegan 'dragonhide'. I know you're all about conservation and we really want to help with that, yeah?

Hagrid: *tears up* Thank ye, Tan. Yer a good man.

Tan: None of that now! We're here to make you look dapper, not sad. I really want to work some greens and browns into your wardrobe, but also some black. The black is really going to slim you down, yeah?

(prompt by Cat St. Dionysus)

[Cooking with Antoni]

Antoni: Now tell me about these rock cakes, Rubeus.

Hagrid: Well, I make 'em myself, though they're a bit tough.

Antoni: Right. You're a broad guy so you need to eat, but let's try and get a little more organic, and a little more local. You have some gorgeous pumpkins out back and I bet you keep the smaller ones that don't qualify for the Halloween decor, right?

Hagrid: Yeah, Professor Dumbledore likes the biggest fer the Great 'All.

Antoni: Excellent. We are not going to let them go to waste. We are going to make some pumpkin bread. It's going to be a little sweet, a soft texture, and it's really going to wow your guests. It's super simple to make, too.

(inspired by ansalong on twitter)

[Karamo's spiel]

Karamo: Now I hear that one of your catchphrases has been, "I shouldn't have told you that."

Hagrid: I wouldn't say tha-

Karamo: You need to stop doubting yourself, Rubeus. You obviously impressed Professor Dumbledore to get where you are today, you have a good group of friends, and you've been promoted to Professor yourself. You are good at what you do, you should be sure of yourself. You said you have a special woman in your life, now let's get you some confidence so you can win her over.

Hagrid: Tha' would be nice…

Karamo: You're a big strong guy, I want to make sure your belief in yourself is equally strong.

(prompt by Cat St. Dionysus)

Bobby: I understand you're the gamekeeper and this is school provided housing, but it's a bit disorganized and a bit dark. We're going to neaten this up and keep that rustic feel.

*next day*

Bobby: Okay, Rubeus, open your eyes and check out your new home! We put in some new hardwood floors that are very smooth and easy to sweep up Fang fur. We have a QuikClean wand that will get that fur off of your blankets as well, which will keep you neat until you finish your lessons at Hogwarts. All of your furniture is now vegan leather that will keep you comfortable and will be easy to clean off any mud you might have on you from your work. That QuikClean wand is great for boots, too.

Hagrid: *stares wide eyed*

Bobby: Over here in the kitchen we have a new island that seats three for the gang when they visit along with a custom food station for Fang. We've also stocked your fridge with some healthy alternatives suggested by Antoni, including the ingredients for that pumpkin bread. We've also hung some photographs of the favorites creatures you told Karamo about.

Hagrid: *tears up looking at the photos of Blast Ended Skrewts burning a Fourth Year Neville Longbottom*

[watching on the secret camera]

Bobby: Look, look, look! Do you guys see that thing in the sky?

Tan: Are those Pegasi? Oh my god, I haven't seen those outside of photos before.

Antoni: They only drink single malt whisky. Classy creatures.

Karmaro: Now THAT is a woman! She has got the height for our man, Rubeus.

Jonathan: YAASSSS, look at her blush at him! You go fly, our fashionable little Hippogriff! WERK that vegan dragonhide, henny. Everything about this has me screaming Wingardium Levi-YAAAAAS-a, you hip little ASS-kaban baby! He even used the-

All: BEARD OIL.

Tan: Our little gamekeeper has game, lads. *wipes a tear*

-On Screen-

Hagrid: You look bit cold, Olympe. Can I offer ye my coat?

Fab Five: YAAASS

Jonathan: Look at my big burly hippogriff spreading his wings and soaring like I knew he would!