Hey All! This is MononokesHellsing and we have a very nice set of warnings and disclaimers.

So, here goes….

Before you read this work of conjoined fiction, there are a few things that you must know.

First and foremost- THIS IS A JOKE! We don't intend to offend anyone, though we probably will. We're just putting in some random thoughts that occurred to us about Naruto. If you wish to flame, please, flame freely; just don't send anything that will destroy our computers. So, before this fic begins, we apologize.

This fic contains SPOILERS If you get your Naruto fix from Cartoon Network DO NOT READ THIS FIC! You will be confused and disappointed- badly. Though we realize that we will offend, we have no intention of crushing your fanfics in processing. Please turn away now. Thank you.

We did not create Naruto. If we did, we would age almost every male character and use them of a personal harem. Naruto is the brainchild of Kishimoto-san and should not be confused with this work of fiction.

So that's everything! Please, if you have an opinion about what you're about to read, please tell us. We appreciate feedback. Cheers!

The Myrad Files

Case 1: Racial Profiling

By MononokesHellsing

The Naruto cast is actual very diverse group of people. Though Kishimoto-san probably did not intend to make his characters ethnically diverse, some blaring racial stereotypes have arisen

For example, Neji, Hinata and Sasuke are the stereotypical Asians of the anime. Why? You might ask, well…

Their parents would beat, disown, or be ashamed of them if their orders weren't followed to the letter (while they were alive).

And/or they would be severely punished if they didn't become number one in their class.

The three all have serious self esteem issues. Hinata is unable to have enough confidence to give her opinion in a conversation. She's being groomed into the role of submissive Asian wife. That is not a healthy way to live if you're the heir to an entire family. And don't get me started on Neji. That boy spent years knowing that his life was completely worthless when compared with Hinata's and he could beat her ass. And Sauske… well… that's a long ass story.

Sauske and Neji have an overactive 'fixation' with vengeance. These kids live, sleep, and eat the idea of revenge.

The Caucasians of the group would be Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Ten-ten, Konohamaru and his little gang.

Naruto is the poster child of Ritalin. There is no way of denying it, that boy has ADHD. It's so bad that he admits that he is hyperactive. That and only a white boy would use the 'Sexy no Jutsu' as an attack. A prank, sure, an joke, definitely, but as an attack…. not wise at all. That and his decision to teach a group of children the same damn attack is not the best idea in the world.

Sakura and Ino are stalkers. There is no other way to describe them. Ino is equivelant to the cheerleader/slut of modern high school. I mean, blonde with blue eyes and a short skirt- it's painfully obvious. And Sakura has an unhealthy 'tagalong' complex. She doesn't contribute to anything except the waste of precious air.

Tenten is that smart girl that wishes to be popular and always left her glasses at home. She was quiet and slightly shy and could impale your ass from twenty feet away- if she had her damn glasses and would actually aim. There is no way in hell that you could miss one target when you throwing one hundred sharp objects. She could have at least hit a toe or some hair. But, no she had to leave her glasses at home, didn't she…

Yes, we're picking on the kids too. Our only beef is that Konohamaru and gang are living off of his grandfathers' fame and money. Now if this isn't like the damn O.C. or Laguna 'fuckin' Beach, I don't know what it is. This little bastard and crew are the Ed and Gin Rummy of Konoha. And if you can't recognize those names, watch the Boondocks. These motherfuckers get away with anything because the village is afraid that the Hokage will become pissed and kill them all.

Now, I am quite excited to say that there is an Indian and a Mexican in this group, but I bet you'll never guess who we are thinking about……it is drum roll Rock Lee and Shikamaru respectively. Why you might ask…

First off, Rock Lee is hairy as hell. There is no way of getting around that one. Those eyebrows and that haircut give serious clues to the hairy future of Rock Lee.

He loves curry. I'm not sure if that's a signal of his digestive strength or his odd view of life but he will eat something that will defeat the intestines and toilet seats around the world willingly. I'm not trying to be a curry hater, but that shit is strong as hell. Only Indian people eat curry willingly.

Shikamaru lives in an almost perpetual fear of his mother. I know of no other group in the world that fear their mothers like Mexicans. They have the fear down so pat that both Shikamaru and his father speak of his mother in hushed voices outside of their own home. She has them whipped.

Shikamaru is brilliant but lazy. I know about brilliant but lazy Mexicans- I'm related to some. This fool has an IQ of over 200 and the potential to cause some serious damage but won't get out of bed to save his own damn village! This bastard is lazy as hell. If you have to get a teacher to give you an intelligence test in a board game, you won't do shit.

Then we have our half breeds; let's see the first on the list of half breeds would be Kiba. Half back have white. Reasoning's for this:

He has fashions and attitudes like those in the black community. Think about it he's often irritable, wears oversized clothing with big ass pockets, and digs the whitest looking chick he could find. That is black male behavior if I have ever seen it.

As for the white side, well you've never seen a black person with that many dogs; they just don't do pets like that. That's to much shit (literally) to keep up with. That definitely has a non-black slant to it.

Another half breed is our dear Kakashi. Who, in our opinion is half black and half Asian. Though his

His black side is accounted for his unique ability of being late for everything. You all remember the exam for team 7. They sat and waited for like 20 minutes!

Not to mention the lazy look in his eyes, honestly that could come from some GOOD weed; I mean hey, they ARE the leaf village!

Also the fact that he is extremely laid back and just seems to have a cool step in his walk. Kakashi doesn't have the stride of a confident ninja, he has the hood' walk. You can only carry so many weapons on your legs, some of the walk is just strut.

Now his Asian side gives him his fighting efficiently and love of books

And his unique appetite for porn. Though done in a subtle and stylish was the name reads porn

And now that we're done with everyone else, we've arrived to the main event: the Black people. After some careful consideration, we have decided that everyone from Suna(the Sand Village) and Shino are Black. Our reasoning is:

It's hot in Suna

The Sunagakure is in the DESERT. It is HOT in the desert. When is the last time that you have seen anyone living in the desert other than black people? No one else is crazy enough to try! And Shino is always walking around in that damn coat. It's the middle of summer and this fool is walking around in a coat! He either must be cold or has a knife. There can be no other explanation.

They wreck shit.

Out of all the times that Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro have fought, when did anything in a mile's radius survive? And then check out Shino's bugs! Piss him off and the locusts will come thicker than Egyptian Plagues! And after they finish destroying things, they just leave. They don't say anything- they just go! I have relatives that do the same DAMN THING!

Their hair is nappy.

Don't try to make excuses for it folks, my hair is nappy too. Other types of hair can be kinky, or curly. Gaara and Temari have naps. Naps do not move in the wind. Temari controls wind. If her hair wasn't nappy, why doesn't it move? The same thing applies to Shino. Boy has a fro'. There is no way of escaping that truth. The only person that has the potential to star in the Konoha version of Shaft is Shino.

Their attitudes

Every single member of the Sunagakure has a piss poor attitude. While the fact that they have a piss poor father figure and piss poor childhoods cannot be ignored, even if they were normal, they would still break some shit. There is no getting away from such an attitude. It had to be learned in the hood. And let us not forget Shino's new outfit. That hood and long cloak screams HOOD!

Their country was nearly ruined by the 'white man'

And we're not talking about people from across the ocean. We're talking about Orochimaru people. Think about it, a pale man comes with his army, tricks and misleads everyone in the village and then sends them to kill others that stand in his way. Is it just me or does any of this sound familiar….

Last but not least we have…. Choji. Now, originally we had him on the list of Caucasians but after some serious consideration we decided to have him moved to the Black List. He made the list for one obvious reason: the love of barbeque! That food almost got him killed so he would fight Gaara! Now, we all know that too much pork can kill anyone but this dumb fuck went in the ring against t Gaara for some damn Korean Barbeque.

Please remember, we did warn you about this fic. You chose to read, now please choose to review. More is yet to come!