An idea that came to mind just today at lunch, thought it was funny. Another crack fic.
None of the characters belong to me, I'm just borrowing them and playing with creators' sanboxes...
Wrong Participants
Standing at the head of the darkened Great Hall, Albus Dumbledore looked down at the eager young faces of his students and those of the two visiting schools. Beside him, the Goblet of Fire's flames turned blue once more and spat out a crumpled piece of parchment. He reached up and deftly caught the smoking note and held in front of his face.
His eyes went wide with shock and lost their entire twinkle. His voice shaking slightly, he announced to the expectant hall. "The c-champion for Hogwarts is the Big Daddy!"
At the Hufflepuff table a giant armored figure clad in an ancient diving suit stood up and bellowed his acceptance of the challenge. A young girl with glowing yellow eyes and wearing a filthy pink dress cheered from her perch next to the creature's spherical helmet.
"You can do it Mr. B! Make me proud!" She cheered in that unsettling voice of hers.
The First Task…
Dumbledore winced as the diving suit-clad being bellowed an ear-splitting screech and charged forward faster than anyone would have thought possible. It leapt through the air and landed on the Hungarian Horntail's neck, his weight snapping it in three places. All around in the stands the Hogwarts supporters were going crazy. The Big Daddy lifted its drill-arm high above his head and slammed it down on the dragon's skull, boring a huge hole in it and splattering him and the nearby stands with blood, bone, and bits of brain.
The Big Daddy jumped off of the twitching dragon carcass and landed heavily in the nest, crushing half of the eggs before he scooped up the golden egg.
The Big Daddy received the most abysmal scores for the first task, as he a) wasn't supposed to kill the dragon and b) smashed all of the normal eggs. He didn't care though; all he cared about was his little sister.
The Second Task…
"Last night, someone precious was stolen from each of our champions!" Dumbledore announced across the Back Lake to the cheering crowd. "Those people now lie imprisoned at the bottom of the Black Lake. Our champions will have an hour to-"
He was cut off as the Big Daddy's portholes turned blood red and an ear-splitting screech emanated from within his helmet. He jumped into the lake without a backwards glance. While the crowds in the stands stood there flabbergasted, the water began to churn and bubble ominously, as it quickly acquired a red tinge. Barely five minutes after the Big Daddy's outburst (everyone was too stunned to react, even Dumbledore) the triumphant being returned. In his left hand he clutched his little sister tightly to his armored chest, and the drill on his right hand still had the corpse of the Mer-chief impaled upon it.
"Bugger." Dumbledore whispered, before wincing as his comment reached every corner of the stands.
Big Daddy received no scores whatsoever for that task, having leapt into the lake before being given the go-ahead. The fact that he completely killed the entire merperson population might also have had something to do with that…
The Final Task…
"And now, in dead last place, Big Daddy enters the maze!" Ludo Bagman's voice boomed out over the stands at the transformed quidditch pitch.
The response was rather subdued. On one hand Big Daddy was dead last in the tournament, something the Hogwarts students found extremely insulting. On the other hand, Big Daddy's escapades in the tournament were a hell of a thing to watch. So it was with lukewarm applause as the diving-suit clad monster charged forward into the maze, and through the first hedge obstacle, and the second, and the third.
Dumbledore and the others simply watched as the armored beast literally took the direct route to the center of the maze. Any obstacle in the way was swatted aside like an insect as the Big Daddy finally reached the center of the maze and hefted the cup high above his head. Then in a flash of light, he vanished as the portkey activated.
The Graveyard…
Big Daddy hit the ground and took stock of his surroundings. He was gone from the pitch. That didn't really bother him, except for the fact that his little sister was nowhere in sight! He turned quickly on the spot and his eyes lighted on a trembling, wide-eyed mousy-looking man.
Raw animal hatred consumed what little bit of his rational mind remained. He was the one who had taken him from his little sister! With a bellow of challenge he charged at the now-petrified form of Peter Pettigrew, picking him up bodily and slamming him into the ground, shattering the weak wizard's spine and killing him instantly. Then for good measure the Big Daddy drove his drill straight through the wizard's stomach, splattering him with blood, guts, and gore.
In the pandemonium the Big Daddy's armored boot came down atop Voldemort's frail homunculus body and squished it like a bug. Voldemort, having invested so much of his magical energy trying to keep the body stable, vanished into the ether. His Horcruxes still worked, but the overriding intelligence that was Voldemort was gone. Only his fragments of soul remained behind, but without the primary force of Voldemort's 'spirit' to control them, they would just sit, locked away, forever.
A few weeks Later…
In the sanctity of his office, Dumbledore scowled down at the Daily Prophet before him, the headlines boldly proclaiming various bits of Earth-shattering news:
Hogwarts Champion Single-Handedly Slays Death Eater and Dark Lord!
And below that in slightly smaller font:
Peter Pettigrew A Death Eater! Cowardly Scum Betrayed the Potters and Then Faked Death to Avoid Suspicion!
And finally:
Sirius Black Exonerated of All Crimes! Adopts Harry Potter!
All of his plans were falling apart; all his carefully-laid schemes were undone by a madman in a diving suit. He sighed and rubbed his temples. 'It could be worse.' He mused. 'Voldemort is dead, and there is peace, and Harry has at least some semblance of family.'
He sat back and pondered what he would do with the rest of his life if he couldn't plot anymore. Perhaps he should take up knitting or something?
Well, hope y'all enjoyed that, I had the idea at lunch and thought to myself. 'Why, that'll make a fine idea for a story, in fact I could see various characters going through the tasks and completing them in their own unique ways.' Hence this. More chapters to come, and if anyone has any specific requests for people they'd like to see take the Triwizard challenge, let me know. I'm thinking next time I'll do someone from the Haloverse…
Oh, and why Hufflepuff for the Big Daddy? Obviously for his loyalty to his little sister!
Cheers!
-GH
