It has been 2 years since Edward left. It still hurt like the first day. my heart literally hurt when I think of him. I've heard people talk about heart ache but you can never really understand till it happens it's…unexplainable. When I think of him my emotions are mixed one part of me knows that if he came back I would gravel and beg for him to take me back and make my life happy again another part of me hates him with the heat of a thousand suns and if he every came back I would want to hurt him though I would only hurt myself in the process

Well I shouldn't be thinking of him I should be trying to figure out why im on

a hard floor and can't remember how I got here

. I haven't opened my eyes yet so I'm thinking that might help me figure it out. I open my eyes and look around then I suddenly remember I'm in a Seattle crack house my current home with my best friend Jennie.

Oh did I forget to mention I'm a drug addict, have been for about a year and a half. Half a year was all the time I could stand the pain of not having him by my side.

God I would burn for an eternity in hell just for one more kiss one more minute in his arms I crave him more than I crave the drugs and what kills me is I can't, for the life of me remember his smell the feeling of his presence knowing he was there without touching him or feeling him but just knowing he was with me

But I can't think about that right now I'm starting to feel that familiar pain, the pain of withdrawal.

So I get up start walking over the other drug heads to high to notice me and head toward my room that I share with Jennie.

I met Jennie a year and a half ago at mike Newton's party celebrating his parents being out of town. I didn't want to go but mike beg me saying I needed to have fun and forget about the past careful not to mention him of course so there I was at his house sitting a the top of the stairs hiding from his and Tyler's advances and away from the party just wallowing in self hate and pain when the new girl Jennie came up and sat next to me.

"Why so sad" she asked playfully.

"I'm not; just tired "I said weakly we both knew I was lying.

"Ok, well I'm Jennie" she said awkwardly

"Bella" I said shyly when suddenly I noticed she was lighting a blunt I was gaping when she looked over at me and giggled.

"Want some" she said pushing it towards me "no I don't"

"it cool its not laced or anything I brought it with me from California" I thought about it for a moment thinking

Why not what's the worst that could happen. While I was smoking I thought about what he would think if he'd known I was doing this. Edward was always so overprotective of me and didn't want me to do any thing that could jeopardize my short years he wanted me to live as long as possible he would never come right out and say it because talking about me getting old and dying was to much for him to handle if he knew I was intentionally hurting my body I imagine he'd be pissed because when he left me he made me promise I wouldn't do any thing reckless but he's not here and why should I listen to him anyway he promised he would always love me but where is he now if he can break a promise so can I had always been submissive to his wishes and let him guilt me into his overprotective wishes because I didn't want him to leave me but look where being the good girl has gotten me alone and heart broken so… I did it not thinking of the consciences but thinking I was getting a kind of power high from defying him it was stupid and pathetic in it self but it was fun and exciting.

Plus we had a blast talking and laughing I was always careful not to tell Jennie about him or my past and she was careful not to bring it up

I loved the numb feeling from the smoke that help dull the pain of course it never made me forget my heart ache

but it kind of fogged over the pain of his memories. After that party me and Jennie where inseparable best friends so close it was like we where sisters we hung out all the time. At her house because her mom was always away for work and her dad wasn't in the picture. Getting high everyday all day everyday at school at home through I often stayed in my room when me and Jennie where at my house to Charlie wouldn't notice and of course he was so happy I was acting like a normal teenager that he didn't push for info

But after a while the pot wasn't enough and the pain of losing Edward got worse I needed something to make me forget him completely not just fog him over so me and Jennie got into alcohol it helped me forget him and most of the night truth be told of course.

Jennie never knew why I was so desperate to forget I knew her pain, she hated always being alone her mom made them move around a lot and she hated her for it after a while the alcohol wasn't enough and we started moving on to hardcore drugs it was fine at first we had enough money but then we needed more to get high etc…etc. and now here I was heading to my room to find my drugs and best friend Jennie I walked into my room and noticed her unconscious with the rubber string still tied around her arm her head turned away from me.

"Hey bitch I cant believe you let me sleep on the floor while you sleep in the bed" I said jokingly. She didn't answer me.

"Jennie hey chick come on wake up" I said wobbling towards her beginning to shake her she was cold really cold I turned her over and looked into her hooded eyes they where gray glazed over I screamed it was all I could think to do.

"Jennie no god please no" I said laying my head on her stomach screaming and crying when suddenly Dave our drug dealer and owner of the house rushed in

"What's the problem baby" he looked over at Jennie and sighed

"shit" he took his cell phone out of his pocket and began calling someone I just watched him in a dazes he was so calm " hey man I got another one I need you to take care of yeah, yeah cool see you" he closed his phone and looked over at me "baby we have to get rid of the body sorry but I cant have police ruining my business" I just look at him too shocked to form words even think and turned back to jennies body and began crying over her body when I felt Dave come behind me and stick a needle in my arm everything dazed over and I was happy completely unaware of anything I woke I didn't know how long I was out but jennies body was gone and I was in the bed where she had been. I wasn't mad at Dave I knew the rules no cops and it wasn't his fault it was mine it was all my fault we should have quit but I needed the drugs it hurt the pain of withdrawal is agonizing I tried to quit we both had and it never took and I've seen dead body's before

when you live this kind of life you get used to death but seeing my best friends body was sickening I had to get out of here I had to be away from here I got up quickly and grabbed my clothes and drugs and my 500 dollars I had from turning tricks went to me and jennies

. I just drove nowhere really I just felt that if I slowed down Id be forced to think and I couldn't face my thoughts right now I needed time to get over the shock

But unfortunately I'm human and eventually needed

to rest I pulled over and sat in the car thinking about Jennie and the Cullen's crying my eyes out thinking about how much I needed him them I needed someone to talk to really talk about the way I was feeling without having to hold back any secrets.

. I thought about the stories Emmett loved to tell me about fun stuff he did with his family and his cousins in Alaska making me smile when it dawned on me I have to go find them I cant sit here. I have to do something I don't care if they want to see me or not I need them I'm so alone but I knew most likely they'd turn me away but if I didn't try then I would regret it for the rest of my life of course I didn't know where they were but I knew where there cousins lived Emmett told me so here I was a 19 year old drug addict heading to Alaska to try and find a vampire family I never met. I'm heading toward the Denali family.