A oneshot AU in which Peeta mistakes Katniss for a piece of bread when she is really just fat.


Katniss had always been fat. In this day and age, one might not find that to be an incredibly monumental or groundbreaking fact about a person, considering the accessibility and deliciousness of fried food. But that was not the case for Katniss, as she lived in District 12.

District 12 didn't have a lot of things going for it. It was a real pimple on the flawless complexion of Panem for many, many reasons. For one thing, it lacked fast food. Without fast food, the mofos that lived there had nothing to eat and lived on the brink of starvation. Katniss was one of these aforementioned mofos.

You are probably now wondering how she had "always been fat" if she had so little food. You would not be the first to wonder. In fact, Katniss's incredibly weight was an age-old mystery that plagued the citizens of District 12 who wanted to look as curvy and bootylicious in their jeans as she did. Some theorized the high trans fat content in the squirrels that she often shot and ate*, but some simply assumed genetics. Regardless, it isn't so important as to why she was a fatass as to the fact that she was legitimately a fucking whale.

*This caused several fad diets.

Because she was so fat and fat rhymed with "Kat", most people called Katniss, Fatniss. The master behind this nickname was none other than Fatniss's fulltime best friend and part-time cousin Gale. (Who was a slender weakling.) Gale thought that Fatniss was a voluptuous sex goddess and wanted her babies.

One day in the woods, he went up to Fatniss and asked her for some tender loving because he not only found her sexually frustrating, but he loved her. Fatniss was flattered but did not know how to be tender. (She was a fan of chicken tenders and squirrel tenders, though, but that is not the point.) The point is that she wanted to be gentle but, rather, she squeezed him until he died of suffocation from her fatness. It was awesome.

Yes, Fatniss's milkshake* certainly brought the boys to the yard. However, nothing could prepare her for when she was brought into a boy's yard and her milk was instantly shook. This boy was Peeta Mellark.

*This was not the traditional milkshake that you know. Milkshakes were a luxury item in District 12 and required intensive shaking to make. Fatniss's milkshake was a sex act she invented that involved making sweet love to men who liked fat people next to glasses of milk. The milk would shake and, voila. Instant milkshake.

Peeta Mellark had a sturdy build and liked bread. In fact, he didn't just like bread. He loved bread to the point where he spent his weekends indoors writing erotic bread fanfiction. (His OTP was sourdough and rye). Bread, bread, bread.

When Peeta saw Fatniss for the first (and second and third and fourth and fifth and so on) time, he thought that she was a piece of bread. After all, she was fat and round and doughy. Peeta was not only intrigued, but delighted and sexually entranced by her. She played hunger games with his mind.

Young Peeta was a very nice boy and tried his best to woo Fatniss. He was shy, but one day he realized that he needed to toss his fears aside and confess his love. He ran up to Fatniss and started trying to bite her, when in reality he was sucking her vagina.

Fatniss was used to boys wanting her for her sex so she let him continue. Peeta thought she tasted delicious, better than any bread he had ever had. She was the lovechild of sourdough and rye – sweet, salty, and utterly succulent.

"Omg bb I knead you," he hummed, continuing to suck her vagina. Fatniss smiled. Never had a boy been so courteous of her. Peeta was the most amazing boy she had ever seen and she immediately shipped herself with him.

The next morning Fatniss woke up with a yeast infection. She died three days later.

The end.