08/09/2013

BPOV

My book tour was going fuckawesome. I was tired but it was still fun. 'The comet' was a bestseller and on top charts in a week after being published. After writing the first book, 'The comet', there were some problems so the weren't able to publish it, when they did I was halfway through my second book ' The cat'. As you can guess, it wasn't a sequel.

The second after I gave 'the cat' to my editor Jo, she told me I was leaving on a fucking book tour. Not in those exact words. While I was writing 'the cat' they published 'the comet' and it was a huge fucking hit. Jo informed me that I had a long list of places to visit. I would have stay at each place for a few days each. In 2 months I would visit about 15 places. The first two places were fucking awesome and we were about to visit the third, Omaha.

As I exited the plane I looked around for my transportation, an ugly, big black car stood out and I figured that it was probably my ride. The driver couldn't drive, there was no alcohol in the back, I was sleepy and my head hurt. Did I mention it was fucking 3 in the morning? Fuck! I stumbled into my hotel half asleep and collapsed on the carpet.

The second I woke up I ran to the bathroom because I hadn't had a bath in 2 days. Personal hygiene wasn't a must for me but 2 days was a record I didn't want to break. I began singing my fave song as I put the water on.

Uh huh ... extra cheese

Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me

Pizza, party at your house

I went, just to check it out

Nineteen extra larges

What a shame

Pizza all day

And every day

This cheese 'round the clock

Is gettin' me blocked

And I sure don't care

For irregularity

Tell me

Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?

'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated, in the bathroom

I sit and I wait and I strain and I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain

Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?

No no no

In fact, I just thought I might

Pop the question there that night

I was, kissing her so tenderly, but woe is me

Who would have guessed

Her family crest

I'd suddenly spy

Tattooed on her thigh

And son-of-a-gun

It's just like the one on me

Tell me

How was I supposed to know we were both related?

Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated

What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose

And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes

And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?

Tell me

Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?

It really is a major inconvienience

Oh man, I really hate it

It's such a drag now

I can't eat I can't breathe I can't snore I can't belch or yodel anymore

Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no, why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated?

Yeah, yeah!

I gotta tell ya

Life without a head kinda makes me irritated

What a bummer

I can't blink I can't cough I can't sneeze

As I concluded the song my phone began beeping spastically. I ran out of the bathroom leaving the taps on because I love wasting water.

FROM: JO

TO: BELLA

M & G IN 2 HRS.

Jo certainly had a way with words. I quickly put on a pair on old blue jeans, a pink fuzzy sweater with a cow on it (Omaha was cold) and a pair of flip flops. The second I reached the entrance of the bookstore my meet and greet would be held in I walked into a wall of fur. "What the actual fuck bitch!?" I said choking on some fur. I looked up and saw a familiar face. "Lucas?!" I said wondrously, "You're still hairy". "Um, hi..." the shirtless, hairy guy answered. "Its me", I replied excitedly " bullshit". I realize that they were weird nicknames but we were 10 the last time I saw him. "Becky? " hairy said interrupting my internal rambling. " Err no it's Bella Swan " I replied, blushing so bad I looked like a hooker with to much makeup. "Remember? You used to live in forks until you were 10. We were best friends. I licked your face when you were sleeping once". He raised his eyebrows and said " oh yeah. How long has it been? About 14 years. Wow. You look like shit ". " your face looks like shit, cunt " I snapped bitchily. Did I mention I'm bipolar? " Aren't you cold "I asked scared for Lucas's health. "No. What are you doing here, anyway?" . "I'm a published author now" I bragged. "Oh, yeah you always wanted to write" Lucas smiled down at me. "And you wanted to be a vet. How's that going?" "Non existent. I'm a stripper now" he shrugged. I took a good look at him – tall, skinny, pale, hairy, blue eyes, blonde hair and squinty eyes. Wow, they let anyone strip these days. No standards, sad. "Anyways, I have to go for a meet and greet , give me your phone number" I ordered. "You do have a phone, right?" " Yes, it's 9333322222 ". "Cool, talk later hairy" I waved goodbye and walked away before waiting for a reply.

AN:Word count -961