SOUR NOTE
A Tiny Toons Fanfic
By Redtop95
We hear a jazzy, snappy tune begin to play as several musical notes fly at the screen. One of them dominates the screen. The words SOUR NOTE forms on it. This logo remains the focus for five seconds before disappearing. It is followed by a photograph of Fifi La Fume and Hamton J Pig.
Narrator: What a cute couple, you may say. They were a cute band, too…until they went…BAD! We hear a thunderclap. Today's episode of Sour Note, the show that documents maestro celebrities who went out with a fizzle will cover the story of how the best-laid plans of Des Porcs et des Mouffettes went awry. (Grumbles to himself) This show needs a better name…
We are shown a photograph of Acme Looniversity.
Narrator: At Acme Looniversity, they earned their toon degree… (Singing) The teaching staff's been getting laughs since 1933… (Stops, clears throat) Err, sorry. An image of Fifi chasing Furball and Calamity is shown. Fifi La Fume had been through several ex-boyfriends…when I say ex, I technically mean that she just chased them because they accidentally had white stripes down their backs. An image of Hamton eating a sandwich in the cafeteria is shown. Hamton J Pig was a bright young fellow. He liked to eat, and had an obsession with cleaning. Two complete opposites, you may think. Yes. Yes, they were. However, opposites attract, and in the fall of 1990, Hamton and Fifi went to the first junior prom as a date. We have actual footage of the famous…asking out.
We are shown footage from the episode Prom-ise Her Anything. A caption says: When Hamton asked Fifi out (1990).
Hamton: Sometimes a guy gets real shy when he asks out a girl that he likes (Gulps) Er, know what I mean, Fifi?
Fifi: Hmph! I zink ze whole idea of proms and dates eez a lot of sexeest, outdated, how you say, hooey!
Hamton: Gosh, that's too bad, Fifi. I was kinda hoping you'd be my date. Oh, well.
Fifi: Bless you, mon petite bacon of pig! I thought no one would ask me!
Narrator: Yes, their relationship wasn't accepted by everyone (Beat) but who gives a damn what they think?
We are shown a picture of the couple. They are much older now at around 19 to 20 years old.
Narrator: Despite warnings that their relationship would not last that long, Fifi and Hamton steadfastly continued into college. They were the best students, according to their respective mentors Pepe Le Pew appears beside Fifi. Pepe Le Pew…Porky Pig appears beside Hamton. And Porky Pig.
The picture comes to life.
Porky: (To Hamton and Fifi) You're our b-be-uh-b-be-uh-buh-best st-st-ste-uh-ste-ste-uh-pupils!
The camera cuts to the janitor's closet.
Narrator: Fifi and Hamton used to spend all their time together. During breaks, they used to go to the janitor's closet to eat their lunch…and make out. At least toons thought they were making out. The students used to hear moaning coming from the closet, and there was always some dubious mess discovered by the janitor, but I digress. If there was one thing that Hamton and Fifi loved, it was classical and/or retro music. They had both been talented musicians since high school, and it was a good hobby, other than private activities, to go to the band practice room to have a jam session.
The camera cuts to Hamton and Fifi sitting on a couch being interviewed. The caption says HAMTON J PIG, Former Band Member and FIFI LA FUME, Former Band Member beneath them for five seconds before fading away.
Hamton: Fifi played the harp. I played the tuba. People may say that harps and tubas don't mix, but ya shoulda heard us play!
Fifi: Hammy et moi were always good at playing musique. Ve played every déjeuner. Ah always thought zat eet would only be un hobby, mais one day, Professeur Pepe came into ze band practice room…
We are given a flashback. Hamton and Fifi are in the band practice room, playing a catchy tune on the tuba and harp respectively. Suddenly, Pepe bursts in. They stop playing and freeze.
Hamton: (Shocked) P-Professor! It wasn't us who made that mess in the closet!
Fifi: (Sternly) Hammy, ssh!
Pepe: (To them) Z-Zat vas vous two? Playing zat musique?
Hamton: Y-Yeah…why?
Pepe: (Happy) Zat vas trés bon playing! Trés bon indeed! Vous two are talented as vell as bien students!
Fifi: (Pleased) Why, merci, Professeur!
Pepe: (Scratches his head for a beat) Why don't ze two of vous play at ze prom?
Hamton: (Protests) Oh, no, we're not that good! Ya don't hafta do that!
Pepe: (Scoffs) Nonsense! Ah want ze whole of ze Collège to know about how well un harp et un tuba sound together! In fact, vous two will be ze first band in ze collège's first band! Un Duo Musical!
Hamton and Fifi look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then they look at Pepe.
Fifi: (To Pepe) Alright, Professeur. We shall play at ze prom! When eez eet?
Pepe: (Casually) Oh, een two days.
H&F: (In shock) TWO DAYS?!
The flashback ends and we come back to the interview.
Hamton: We couldn't back out, so we had ta play at the prom. One of the problems was coming up with a name. (Beat) I wanted to call ourselves Hamfi. But it sounded too much like a Disney character. They both shudder.
Fifi: (Teasingly) Zere vas Fifton (she giggles) mais zat did not work either.
Hamton: I suggested something like Brass and Strings, y'know, ta represent our instruments.
Fifi: (To Hamton) Oui, but zat did not sound trés, how-you-say, catchy, no? Ze day of ze prom was getting closer, et ve vere practising our musique pour eet, ven eet came to us…
We are given a flashback of the pair practising a song on their respective instruments before suddenly…
Hamton: (Excited) I GOT IT! The Pig and the Skunk!
Fifi: (Excited) Oui! (Pondering) Mais perhaps eet needs un petit change…
Hamton: Uhhh… The Tuba and the Harp?
Fifi: (Musing) Non, non. Keep ze last name… She ponders for a beat. (Excited) Ah know! Des Porcs et des Mouffettes!
Hamton: (Happily) Yeah! (Confused) What's that?
Fifi: Eet eez ze name zat tu gave…in French!
Hamton: (To the camera) Oh, yeah! (To Fifi) Genius! They high-five each other.
The flashback ends and we come back to the interview.
Hamton: So, Des Porcs et des Mouffettes it was! Just in time for the Prom, too!
Fifi: Oui! Ah think zat ve did well.
Another flashback gives us the Looniversity auditorium where the other toons are dancing, eating food from the buffet or drinking punch. Foghorn Leghorn comes up onto the stage with a microphone.
Foghorn: Quit, ah say, quit flappin' your pie holes an' listen up! Everybody goes silent. Righty-ho, then! Ah'm afraid, ah say, ah'm afraid ta say that the Wackyland Rubber Band cannot play fer you this evenin'!
Plucky: (To Shirley) Is that supposed ta be bad news?
Babs: (Looking around, to Buster) Hey…where are Feef and Hammy?
As Buster shrugs, the camera pans back to Foghorn.
Foghorn: HOWEVAH! We have, ah say, we have a replacement performance for you tonight! Give, ah say, give a warm welcome to that brass blowin' and string pluckin' pair: He looks at the card he has been given. Uhhh…some French name that ah cannot pro-nounce! He holds the card out to the crowd of young toons. Can any of y'all read that? The camera pans across the crowd of toons as they squint at the card. If y'all can't, y'all need ta get yer eyes seen to. OKAY! Here they are!
He walks off stage as the curtain rises to reveal Hamton wearing a tuxedo with his tuba and Fifi wearing a dress with her harp. They share a grin, before turning to the flabbergasted crowd.
H&F: We are Des Porcs et des Mouffettes!
Hamton: ARE YOU READY TA ROCK?!
The crowd whoops upon hearing this.
Fifi: ARE VOUS, HOW-YOU-SAY, READY TO ROLL?!
The crowd cheers upon hearing this. Hamton and Fifi grin at each other again.
H&F: (To the crowd) Trés bien! Nous y voilà!
We hear heavy metal riffs as the pig and the skunkette prepare to play their respective instruments in slow motion. This music ends with the sound of a record scratching as Hamton and Fifi play classical music. The crowd is silent for a beat…before they start jumping up and down and cheering as a mosh pit starts. The camera cuts to Fowlmouth, who is swinging his shirt over his head and has a tattooed body.
Fowlmouth: HELL YEAH! DAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!
The flashback ends and we cut back to the interview.
Hamton: Ya could say that that night was our big break…because it was.
Fifi: A man who claimed to be un talent scout vas at ze prom. Ve do not know why, but 'e was.
Hamton: He approached us after the gig an' gave us an offer.
The flashback shows Fifi and Hamton talking to somebody offscreen. This person has a male British accent.
?: (Impressed) Great show ya did there.
Hamton: Uh…thanks. (Curious) But why are you here? This prom's for students only!
?: I'm Scarlet Jersey. A talent scout…and an agent. Your little tuba and harp routine sure was popular with these guys.
Fifi: Merci, monsieur. Ah am glad zat vous think zat!
Scarlet: And I'm glad we're getting along. You see, I could make you famous. But in order to do that, the both of you have to blow this popsicle stand, as they say here in the States.
Fifi: Zis eez un college, monsieur. Not un, how-you-say, popsicle stand.
Hamton: (To Fifi) It's a figure of speech, dear. (To Scarlet) What're ya gettin' at, mister?
Scarlet: I mean you two have to drop out of college if you're going to make something out of this musical duo and be famous!
Hamton and Fifi recoil in shock.
Fifi: (Alarmed) Leave zis college?!
Hamton: (Shocked) B-But ya can't get good employment without proper education!
Scarlet: (Chuckles) Look, being famous IS good employment. Trust me; you DON'T need proper education for that! A hand reaches out from offscreen with a piece of paper and a pen. Okay. Sign this contract, and I'll make ya big!
Hamton is about to reach for the pen when he stops himself.
Hamton: (Suspiciously) Wait a minute… Is this gonna be one of those plots where we develop into successful celebrities but then we eventually become jerks?
Scarlet: Of course it is.
Fifi: (Happily) Bien! Ah 'ave never played un role like zat before! Eet should be interesting!
Hamton: (Cheerily) Neither have I!
Fifi takes the pen and signs her name. Hamton does the same. The contract is quickly pulled offscreen. The skunkette and pig are suddenly handed what appears to be bottles of alcohol.
Scarlet: If you want to remain legendary, the pair of you have to drink this from now on.
Hamton: (Confused) Thanks?
Fifi: Vat eez eet?
Scarlet: It's "Fucking Awesome Mead Extract!" Otherwise known as the acronym: FAME. Keep drinking this and you two will have a legacy unlike any other!
Fifi and Hamton take the FAME bottles, shrug their shoulders and both take a swig. They both shudder at the taste. The flashback ends and we return to the interview.
The next part of the tour is coming soon!
