A/N: This is an edit. It was my first slash story and it was badly done. I had to go back and make it proper. I hope it still is good if anyone reads it. This is told from Tsuzuki's point of view. Enjoy.
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If someone were to ask me a long while ago what would become of my life right now? I wouldn't know what to say. Now, I have nothing but a sinking feeling. I wasn't going to think I would end up in the arms of the one person I was suppose to hate. Days ago, when my heart was broken, he found me. I was fragile and his cold arms were enough to warm my heart. I thought I was in love with my partner Hisoka. We may have been in love at some point but it was all lost now. The spark died along the way of our relationship.
Do I miss our relationship? I would need to answer the question carefully and I might have said yes right up to five minutes after our relationship ended; even an hour. The truth is I'm relieved. We were not meant to be lovers. Friends, it was always that.
My heart now belongs to another. I would have to be grateful to that night when it all started to tumble down. The night it all became clear.
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"Hisoka. I'm sorry. Forgive me, please?" My boyfriend Hisoka looked at me as the question sunk in. My voice trembled into a pleading, fading with an echo. I tried to stop the hiccup from freely falling from my lips. I couldn't and it caused Hisoka's expression to tighten seriously. I knew I was drunk again.
"Tsuzuki." Hisoka let out heavy sigh and refused to meet my eyes, anger creeping into his tone. "How do you expect me to forgive you when you keep doing this? You're constantly getting drunk every night. I don't know what else to do." I gulped, speechless at the sudden moment. It didn't take long before I stepped forwards and almost stumbled.
"Hisoka-kun. Please listen to me. I'll stop drinking. I promise!" A long silence followed and I knew I was making empty promises. I wasn't even sure why I gave into drinking. I may come to realize what I thought I wanted wasn't what I wanted. I was simply in denial to not being happy in a relationship with Hisoka.
"I don't know if this relationship is working out, maybe we should-" I jumped up into the air and yelled out, refusing to let him finish his words. It may be that Hisoka was right but I needed…what? What did I need? I further questioned it when I stumbled to the ground from the intoxication taking a full swing at my body.
"NO!" He walked towards the door and got a hold of the doorknob. Hisoka faced the door, not hesitating to speak his next words.
"I'm sorry, Tsuzuki. I need to think about this." Hisoka stayed in his position for a long period of time. I tried to plead.
"Hisoka, please" He ignored me while I tried to get up from the floor. Hisoka turned his head to glance at me one more time before leaving me along in my apartment.
"I'm sorry."
All I could do was watch my Hisoka walk away from me. I shouldn't be trying to save my relationship with Hisoka but I needed someone. I hated being alone. I hurried to get up onto my feet and run after Hisoka. I tried not to stumble, ignoring the headache wanting to attack me. It didn't take long before I saw Hisoka, after following him for a block. I could see Hisoka facing another figure that was hiding in the shadows. All I saw was the guy was blond. Confusion settled onto my face, and I dived to hide behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. I could hear all that was being heard and I wasn't sure what to make of it. I peeked around the tree and my face fell into a shocked expression.
I saw Hisoka jump into the blond guy's arms, taking the other male into a kiss; right on the lips. It lingered into a passionate one, one which Hisoka never gave me. Once they broke apart to capture some air, I heard them speak.
"Hisoka dear, when are you going to break up with Tsuzuki. Don't you think it has been long enough?"
"You're right. I'll break up with him tomorrow." Hisoka paused. "I just hope Tsuzuki can forgive me afterwards. I didn't want to drag it out this long. I didn't want to hurt him." That's when my Hisoka….no, not mine. Hisoka had been lost to me a long time ago. Hisoka wrapped his arms around the blond guy and brought him into another kiss.
At that precise moment I decided I couldn't watch anymore. I ran towards the opposite direction and didn't stop until I got tired. It must have been a long while since I found myself into an area I had never gone into. In spotting a bench I sat down quickly and let out a sigh. I brought my elbows to dig onto my lap. My head followed to fall down onto my hands. My hands soon clutched my face with agony, the tears finally spilling and my sobs were being heard into the night air.
"Why my dear Tsuzuki, what's wrong?" That voice. I knew who it was and I looked up to glare at the man sitting next to me. How did I not hear him? The man placed his hands around me and brought his lips to my ear, causing my heart to jolt. I wasn't sure if it was from the fear or something else. "Tell me."
"Muraki, let me go." The harshness of my tone cut through to my voice, leaving no kindness to settle in. Muraki didn't let me go of me. I pulled away but Muraki's strong grip was holding me down onto the bench. I only managed to have our faces inches apart, the glare not softening off my face.
"What's wrong my sweet?"
"You have no heart. Why would you care? Leave me alone." Muraki chuckled, which only sounded mocking in my ears. Little did I know, it was far from mocking.
"Oh, you hurt me so. I have a heart. I just don't use it. I care for someone special; only one person." I felt his breath on me, unsure of what to say next. It might have been the intoxication that made me speak, or my fragile state. I told Muraki everything.
"Hisoka never loved me back. He was cheating on me, and who knows how long? I guess I'm not good enough for anyone." I let the last sentence hang in mid air. That's when Muraki cupped my chin and said with something I didn't recognize in his eyes. I have never seen that look settle into Muraki's cold eyes. The man before me was a murder, a psychopath. It couldn't be possible that he could love anyone? His eyes said otherwise.
"That's not true. You are good enough…for me." I curiously searched Muraki's face, but I never found a single emotion that said if he was either lying or telling the truth. I settled my eyes onto the wet tear stains I managed to spill onto Muraki's white shirt. I realized I was still gripping onto his arms, not sure for what I was looking for, or why my heart was beating rapidly? It won't stop.
"I am?" It was a simple two word question, but it held all my emotions. My voice cracked a little and innocence was edging onto my eyes, unsure of what I was expecting from Muraki. Muraki reached with his free hand, while he held his other one to take one of mine and squeeze it. I could see Muraki lift his free hand and his thumb disappeared from my side vision to rub the corner of my eye, wiping a tear away. Muraki smirked, speaking as if the answer was obvious.
"You're beautiful, my dear Tsuzuki." Those words brought a sense of warmth to my chest, and I knew it was wrong to feel like this. Muraki's face was getting closer to mine. I could see every detail of his face. I didn't stop him when I felt a pair of lips press onto mine. This was wrong. So very wrong, and yet it felt right. Muraki proceeded to lead the kiss, my lips not moving.
I don't know what prompted me to respond but I was finding myself kissing Muraki back. It could have been the fragile state my mind was in tonight…or something else. I didn't fight off Muraki as he tugged at my bottom lip and slipped his tongue into my mouth where I started to slide my own against his. It brought sensations to crawl onto my skin and I wasn't shivering from the cold. I surrendered into the slowness of the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Tsuzuki," I heard Muraki's voice against my lips, feeling a coldness once he pulled away and nudged his nose against my cheek where he proceeded to lick it. This caused me to blush slightly, arms loosening from around him. I found myself not wanting Muraki to go, and even tugged his sleeve when he stood up. I wasn't sure why I didn't just let him go.
"Muraki." Muraki smiled, and I wasn't sure if it was honest or not. I didn't care. Muraki slipped away by proceeding to walk away. I stood up and followed him a few feet before Muraki turned around and stared directly at me, making me stop in my tracks. He reached out to caress my cheek with the back of his cold hand.
"You're not ready for me yet. Find me when you are." He winked at me and it caught me off guard. I stepped back a few steps. What the hell was I doing? I didn't understand why I was finding myself so entranced by Muraki of all people.
I wanted Muraki to kiss me again.
"How…how would I know if I am?" I shouldn't be asking, still I did.
"You'll know. I'll be waiting, my love." I ignored his tender words, shaking my head. I had been looking down at my shoes. I didn't hear anything else and when I looked up once more. Muraki was gone. I blinked unsure of if I should be disappointed or relieved.
###
The next morning I awoke with a smile on my face. I got dressed and went to the kitchen to eat breakfast. That's when I saw Hisoka appear in my apartment. He had a serious gaze and I knew what was coming next. I played a frown onto my face, proceeding to wait for his words.
"Tsuzuki, may we please talk?" I nodded, ready to just get it done with. The doorbell started to ring at that exact moment and I stood up to walk to my door.
"Excuse me Hisoka, someone's at the door." I walked over to the door and opened it to see nobody. I was about to close the door until I saw at the foot of me some crimson red roses. They were the most beautiful roses I have ever seen. I picked them up and closed the door right after, unsure of the roses. I walked over to Hisoka who was now cocking a brow with a question.
"Who gave you those roses?" I smiled innocently, knowing full well who sent them.
"No one. No one special." Hisoka let out a sigh and walked over to the door.
"I'm sorry, but this relationship is over. We have been growing apart lately and we will not work out. I'm breaking up with you. Hopefully we can be friends soon? I do miss that." Hisoka didn't say another word, instantly leaving quickly. I should be devastated, broken and sad. I'm not. I may feel a tinge of sadness at the lost but I knew Hisoka was right. We were not going to last, it was better to end it now before it got worse.
Once I was alone in my apartment I looked down towards the roses and smiled to myself. I leaned back onto the nearest wall and looked at them for the longest time. I proceeded to lean down and cradle the roses in one hand, using the other to gently palm one rose. I nudged my nose to it. It smelled delicious, and there was a hint of Muraki's smell mixed into it. I liked that the most.
I didn't notice a note popping out until I had moved a step back and they were nestled somewhere inside the many roses. I reached for it and opened it, eager to see what it said. Instantly my heart started to speed up and a red was covering my cheeks.
My dear Tsuzuki, I hope these roses will brighten your day and make you smile because a frown doesn't suit you. Until you are ready, I'll be waiting. You make me want to be happy.
The one who loves you,
Muraki.
I couldn't help the smile which started to warm my face. I was now laughing freely. I was the only one who was hearing my own laughter now, and maybe I could share it with Muraki one day. There was hope, complicated as it seemed. I had hope for a second chance. A second chance with someone I thought I hated and who cared for me.
"Muraki, one day I'll be ready for you. I know it."
