DISCLAIMER: I don't own LWD or the song by Nickelback…
AN: My exams are finally over and all through them I have been itching to write this. I have never done a one shot before….but I have recently read some freaking amazing ones so I tried giving it a shot…..do review…hope you guys like it…
The bit about the Six degrees game is from unoriginalelizabeth's wonderful story…It's different for girls…..
While reading what i had posted earlier I realised that I had made a lot of mistakes and that there was stuff that i had planned to write but forgot about it in a haste..(had a train to catch..)...so i have reposted this....with more patience this time...
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You don't have a start…the beginning has always been blurred ….like a bad camera print ….and you are itching to set it all right…your directorial addiction just takes over sometimes and you hate it…more so because it is a constant reminder that you realized your dream career somewhere in the middle of the fixing up her assignment….
Why is everything about you, in you, related closely to you, vaguely attached to you , acquainted with you, all somehow related to her…..and you can't help but feel empathy for that idiot Rick Blaine…"of all the houses in all the towns in all the world…she walks into mine..." and you are quoting Casablanca...PERFECT...
Hell, even your ridiculously fucked up love life is like her personal bounty…let's see…Kendra….not her… but met through her…..Sally…not her… but like her….Emily… not her…but friends with her….even cousin Icky -Vicky for that matter…yes, your life is a constant game of six degrees with Casey Mcdonald…
Your only solace is that you are aware that if she ever has a TV show made on her life it would probably be called Life With Derek…not life about Casey or with Marti, Edwin , Lizzie , George , Nora, Emily, random stupid boyfriends but D-E-R-E-K……you even have the theme song picked out…something about …"now I have a brother who gets under my skin…"…yes yes brother….but that is how she likes it…perhaps that is her kinky obsession……its totally cool with you….
So that's where you are now…suddenly stuck in the middle with a totally blurred beginning for otherwise you would have known how the hell did you land up falling stupidly, madly in love with your step sister…..but it is the truth...and the funny thing is that you are not denying it...it scares you a bit , but there is this subtle excitement brewing in your stomach because you have this feeling that this will work out....and even if you don't remember the beginning or the cute-meet or when exactly did you bump into her and shared a secret glance, but what you do know is that just before the credits roll in, it would be a happy ending....
But she remains unaffected and you obviously assume that she is playing the age old play-hard-to-get game....so you wait...for far too long actually...because perhaps its oblivion and not a tip picked up from Cosmopolitan aftarall...You stand there, waiting to crawl your way inside her, to tear her apart, because why can't she see it…..you don't want to tell her…you want her to come and beg you to love her, to be with her, to never let go ….you would agree obviously but not before you had made her beg and plead and say please over and over again….
But the Goddess never really comes down her alter….and its driving you up the wall …a crazy crippling passion you don't know what to do with…and Casey continues to live in her happy world of oblivion…..
It's Ralph who finally gives you a nomenclature for this …this …
'RAMANDA'...the words are screaming across Ralph's locker and you and Sam are looking at him in utter confusion.
"It's an amalgam of names…it joins me and Amanda together….see….R-A for Ralph and AMANDA…RAMANDA…"
Sam has to catch hold of you to keep from falling down with all the laughing and you laugh until it dies in your throat as she passes by and your stupid mind starts to form name amalgams in your head as well….Derek+Casey……DASEY…..it reminds you of a flower…and your mind is suddenly shifted to Grade 2 nature walk….Daisy….and you remember that they're really not flowers but weeds….and you smile bitterly because it just sort of fits together….because you and Casey were not flowery anyway…it wasn't like somebody sowed the seeds of it lovingly and talked to it while it grew…it was unwanted, wild but natural, uncontrollable, you tried to cut it, pull it out of the ground but it would just grow back…it's there and you can't get rid of it…
Dasey, from that day becomes your favorite word……
So high school ends and you know its anytime now…..because it has just been developing for so long…..she fought for you with Ryan, cried when you were leaving for Spain….you danced together…her leg draped cross yours….the blue dress ridding up….you were there when Truman cheated on her….you even got him back for her…just so she would stop pinning for him and really break- up with him on her own grounds…and you take care of her feminist ideas more than she does…because it was like this clock ticking by and you know that anytime soon she would be there….begging you, pleading you and it would be your turn and you'll take her…body and soul….and keep it with you forever….
It actually doesn't even bother you when at the kitchen table she throws the brother bit at you because...hell, what's the point…you know her…she is messed up inside and if that's how she wants to relate to it….then fine…whatever makes her happy …it was only a matter of time…..
So when college comes and she gets busy and you rarely see her anymore….you are still waiting…..anytime now…but it never happens….and slowly there is this doubt settling in your head…what if she never was interested?…..had you just read all the signs wrong?….did she really mean the same difference bit…..but it was an oxymoron!!! A paradox, a chance that it was not so…..and you grin when you realize that the fact that you know what an oxymoron is, kind of just proves that you are way deep into this shit …oh sweet sweet sorrow….
She moves to New York after university and you take the flight back to London…..because that's just one place where you will still be able to catch her when she returns….the plan had been to move to LA, your directorial dream in hand…..but nothing has been going in plan for a long long time…so why should this? and you hope for everything, anything…that she will get cheated on by some guy, get molested, raped, broken down,….anything …just so that you can help her back on her feet, fix her up, which really would be fixing yourself because you need this chance to be on the other side, the stronger side…
For once. Just for once
Perhaps this time she will figure it all out….its sick that you can think of her like this...and you want to throw up just thinking how screwed up all of this has turned out....like the daisies have turned black…..and what's even more disgusting is that now you are ready to beg…to plead, to break down….only if she will come back ….come back to you….
She does come home …..With Jonathan in tow….and hurrah!!! They are getting married…..the blood drains off your face…..and you can't understand…she was yours ….belonged to you …..you had her marked …she was the image in your fantasies…the name you cried out….you were fucking in love with her… and she would be his….his …his…not yours….your brain cells start to shut…and you close your eyes because the room is spinning and then you throw up all over the living room floor……..
She looks beautiful…..perfect…..the dress is perfect, the right fit, the right white, the veil hides her eyes and you want to tear it away…because you are still waiting for some hint….something…..
And ironically so, the flower decorations for her wedding are white daisies…..
Dennis's flight has been cancelled and everybody is upset because now who will give her away? She asks George to do it and your dad looks both flustered and deeply honored, when suddenly you cut in and grab her hand, moving her toward the aisle….
"I'll do it." You tell the others, who are perhaps too shocked to protest.
And you refuse to meet her eyes….
She stops and tries to pull away…"De-rek. What are you doing?" she whispers…..
And then you finally look at her…really look at her, beyond the veil and put your entire being in the words you are going to say next…
You lean in close and she flinches back a little because the smell of alcohol in your breath is too strong for her to bear…its sort of like a relief that finally you knew of something to spoil it for her "you belong to me Case…..I am the only one who can give you away…."
She looks shocked and worried and embarrassed…but nobody really has heard it…you were too close and maybe that's what's bothering her…and the piano continues to play 'here comes the bride' …a strange look passes on her face and you suddenly realize that you hadn't been wrong…..she knew it …always had ….but she still hadn't come…..hadn't bothered…she had ruined you …..And this fucking perfect white wedding was her punishment…
And your salvation…
You pull her towards the alter and she follows you without a word…you kiss her lightly and then almost push her in front because her feet seem to have frozen and her eyes are swimming with tears….
And that is when you cross the threshold, when you are on the stronger side…the one making decisions…
So when the pastor announces the part where you can get up and stop it all, you do nothing about it…her back tenses up a bit…as if she is half willing you to say, "I object" but you don't ...because …well because…..she has to live her decisions…
And it was time that she faced the weight of somebody else's decisions…
Casey Mcdonald took the easy way out and was about to have her perfect white wedding but you stained it for her, but that's only between you and her…the rest of the world assumes that she got her happy ending…and you will go ahead and find yours…
Because the credits haven't started rolling in yet…
.
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick inside without a sense of feelin
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle
Despite words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
Yet?, Yet?, Yet?, no no
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
It must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
This is how you remind me by Nickelback…
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AN…..how was it??? I tried to make Derek stand back on his feet again because as much as unrequited love might suck…I can't see Derek totally broken…do review……please let me know how it is…..
