Rating: 15
Characters/Pairings: Jack, Doctor (Ten), TARDIS; Jack/Ianto
Spoilers: All Torchwood (for safety); DW 1x02
Warnings: ANGST; character death; M/M relations
Summary: When the TARDIS sings, the Doctor can't ignore her...
Disclaimer: Torchwood and the Doctor belong to RTD and the song belongs to The Black Crowes
Author's Note: Okay, so main things to say here: This is very much interlinked with my series. For this reason, Jack's reactions and characterisation may be a fair way from him in the show - but it's consitant with the storyline I've been trying to build up over the past three fics (that being that the relationship with Ianto is the strongest and most dedicated he's ever had - as he decided not to run away or treat it casually).
Also, whilst it has a song name as it's title, and the song goes nicely with the story – Lay it All On Me by The Black Crowes, I decided not to have the lyrics in amongst the story for purposes that will soon become obvious. There's nothing about this that I want to belittle or risk forcing. I hope you all like it!
Lay it All On Me
Chapter 1
'It is time…' came the whisper in the Doctor's mind. He closed his eyes slowly and nodded painfully. Whilst he knew this day would come, it was the day he dreaded more than anything.
It was only four Earth years after those mysterious three days and, even though he knew more time than this would've been a miracle, he mourned for Ianto Jones.
*
Jack sat in his office and stared at his computer screen. It's been two days, just do it, he growled at himself, but he cowered from the anger and he hid in his office, refusing to acknowledge that Ianto was gone. The moment he closed his personnel file, Ianto was officially dead – killed in action.
He took a deep breath, forced himself to stop crying and opened the file he'd been avoiding. Without looking at the details or the photos, he typed in his password and deactivated Ianto from all aspects of the institution. His heart felt like lead, twisting and aching in his chest every second of the day, even more so now. The reality would soon sink in and he couldn't face it.
As he was about to close his computer down, it flashed 'New Mail' at him and he frowned. He clicked it open and bit back a gasp at the sender: 'Ianto Jones'. He quickly opened the attached file and watched in grief as the video started playing.
"Right, okay… you're probably in a pretty bad place right now – or at least I hope you are." The image of Ianto grinned at him for a moment before he looked away. "I thought for a while about how I should say goodbye – because that's the one thing you don't get with Torchwood. For a while, I was just going to recite a whole list of words for you to cut together and make 'rude'-" He raised his hands and did air quotes, "sentences from, but I eventually decided against it.
"I know you won't want to go anywhere or be with anyone right now, but there's someone coming. This has probably taken a couple of days for you to do – you were always crap at paperwork – so within twenty-four hours, you're going on a trip. You're not going to argue, you're not going to refuse – if this trip is the last thing you do for me, then so be it.
"The Doctor was right, Jack – there's nothing more right in the world than you and not just in my world. The earth needs you Jack, just like I needed you." Ianto sighed and glanced off to one side with a grin. "It looks like you're coming to interrupt me, you did have a rather tedious call from UNIT…
"I guess the only thing I have left to say is that I love you, nothing can change that. The only thing that can change is how you remember me." Ianto's eyes were intense for a moment before Jack heard his own voice calling in the background. Ianto shot a grin at the camera before leaning in and turning it off.
Jack didn't even realise he was crying until there was a knock on the door a few minutes later. He rubbed his cheeks dry and stood up, frowning slightly. He'd sent the team home an hour or so earlier. Tosh had been as distraught as Jack, Gwen hadn't been able to stop crying and even Owen was deeply affected. They'd all been so upset that Jack had told them all to take a day off.
Owen had taken Tosh home to keep her company and they'd dropped Gwen on the way. Jack had simply gone to sit in his office, planning on drinking until he passed out. He was both annoyed and perturbed by his intruder, especially as it was the middle of the night.
When he opened the door and saw the grim faced man, standing a few feet away from his ship, Jack stared in shock. The Doctor reached out a hand and wrapped it around Jack's neck, pulling him into a firm hug, rubbing the back of his head as Jack finally broke down, sobbing into the man's jacket as he gripped it tightly.
The Doctor remained silent and just closed his eyes again, feeling the grief rolling off Jack hitting him hard in the chest. He could only just begin to imagine what Jack must be feeling. At least when he'd said 'goodbye' he'd known Rose was still alive, stilling walking and breathing and going through her life.
They stood there for a long time – the Doctor timed it as almost thirty minutes – with Jack just clinging to him. Not once did he attempt to stop Jack or move him, he simply held him close and stroked the back of his head as Jack leaned it on his shoulder.
"He's gone…" Jack's whispered after his cries of anguish died down to pained sobs. His throat hurt and his voice was harsh, but he didn't care. It was only a tiny proportion of the ache inside him.
"I know, it's going to be okay, Jack." He murmured in return, his hand continuing to stroke Jack's neck as he closed his eyes and grimaced.
"How?" Jack choked, almost hysterical.
"Because he asked me to look after you and that's what I'm going to do." The Doctor said softly as Jack lapsed into another wave of grief.
*
After another twenty minutes of the silent comforting, Jack seemed recovered enough to go and collect his things for the trip the Doctor was taking him on. He went down to his bunker and collected his box of home video chips, stuffing several changes of clothes into a duffel bag before heading back to the ladder.
He stopped then and though, leaning his forehead against the nearest rung. Ianto's hoody was still lying on his bed, where it had been thrown several days earlier as Jack had stripped the young man off, desperate to see him after a series of events which meant they'd had very little time together.
Jack's heart throbbed painfully and he walked slowly to the garment and picked it up, pressing his face into it and taking a deep breath of the scent that lingered.
The tears started to fall again, though they were silent as he climbed up into his office, grabbed his coat and walked into the TARDIS, standing behind Tosh's workstation. Instead of wistfully saying goodbye to the Hub, he slammed the door closed and headed straight through to the room he'd adopted.
His knees buckled and he dropped the items in his hands as the door swung open and he saw a small pile of objects on the bed, familiar objects that he hadn't put there. He felt a hand on his shoulder and gripped it as he closed his eyes and tried to compose himself.
"I made a stop and picked up some things." The Doctor said kindly. Jack nodded mutely and walked into the room, reaching out to see if the items were real. His fingers fell on the soft material of Ianto's pillow and his pyjama t-shirt. Lying next to them were several smaller trinkets – the necklace he wore on days off, his battered journal, the last birthday card Jack had given him which had still been propped up on his bedside table.
"What am I supposed to do with these?" He asked quietly, running the necklace through his fingers absently, staring at the Doctor with an expression of utter abandonment. The Doctor realised then just how much Jack needed help - and just how much Ianto Jones had known his lover and partner.
*
Jack stayed locked in his room for days at a time, just thinking. He listened to the TARDIS, who hummed to him when he got upset, comforted him when his body ached to be held and helped him dream when his sleep was plagued with nightmares.
After a couple of weeks, he ventured out into the main console room to find the Doctor sitting with his feet propped up on the console and reading a book. His eyebrows rose at the sight of Jack, but he didn't say anything as the other man approached.
For a while, Jack remained silent, running his fingers over the familiar controls of the TARDIS and watching as the central column thrummed with life.
"I think I feel like talking now." Jack said quietly, a sad smile on his face as he concentrated on the lights.
"Well, it's the hardest question I think, but I'd like to know how it happened." The Doctor asked carefully, the thought having bitten at him ever since the TARDIS's whisper in his mind.
"He and Tosh were captured, taken hostage." Jack replied wistfully. "We tried to sneak in and get them out, but we only managed to get to Tosh before they found out. They grabbed him and he must've fought back because they broke his neck. He was just lying on the floor when we got to him, like he was sleeping."
Jack voice cracked and he frowned to stop himself from crying.
"What did you do?" The Doctor asked quietly, frowning himself.
"Nothing." Jack said suddenly, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand and turning to the Doctor in one quick motion, blinking a couple of times before he continued. "I stayed with him whilst Owen took the other two back to the Hub and then I carried him to the SUV and we drove him back. I wouldn't let Owen do an autopsy, so he's lying in the med bay."
"You're learning then, Jack." The Doctor said with a smile. When Jack frowned, he decided to clarify himself. "The man I met all those years ago wouldn't have thought twice about avenging the death of his lover. He would've left the body alone to satisfy his bloodlust. But you didn't. You're learning."
*
Over the next few months, the Doctor took Jack on trips across the universe, to sit on beaches for hours on end, look through market stalls, see shows and generally remember what life was all about.
Very slowly, Jack improved. He was still quiet and he still preferred the TARDIS and the Doctor's company to crowds in bars, but he could now talk about Ianto without the crippling grief that had overwhelmed him almost as soon as he'd spoken to the Doctor about how he'd died.
It was one evening, after he'd spent the day sitting under a sea green sky, watching the sun set a deep aquamarine when he decided he knew what he was going to do when the Doctor came to find him. He ran his hands through the soft green grass and closed his eyes. Had he been there under any other circumstances, he would've smiled at the tranquillity and comfort of the beautiful alien world. He found it very hard to smile now.
He heard a humming in the back of his mind and got up, shoving his hands in his pockets with a sigh as he trudged over to where the TARDIS waited for him, a few hundred meters away. He nodded a hello to the Doctor and continued through to his room, taking a deep breath as he closed the door and dug out his box of home videos, selecting one of the more personal ones.
He slotted the transparent slide into the machine on the table next to him and gently pressed the 'play' button, watching with a tight chest as the image flickered into life.
"There's a huge difference between like and love, Jack." Ianto laughed. He was lying sprawled out on his sofa and Jack remembered being propped up against the wall opposite him.
"Yeah, I like doughnuts, but I love coffee, I get it!" He heard himself say with exasperation. They'd been having the argument for a while.
"Correction, you like coffee, but you love sex." Ianto countered with a knowing smile. Jack's eyebrows raised sceptically in time with the recorded version of himself, though he couldn't see himself. He was just reacting in the same way.
Then someone else walked into the frame and Jack saw his back, purposefully heading towards Ianto and straddling him on the sofa, his head coming down to only a few inches from Ianto's. "Oh, is that so?"
Ianto grinned and leaned up to kiss him and Jack rubbed his lips as the memory flashed through his mind in time with the recording. The slow, burning kiss that lingered as a ghost on his lips long after the two images broke apart.
"See, that was 'like'." Ianto said meaningfully before pressing his hand flat to Jack's chest, right on top of his heart and kissing him in an altogether more gentle and intoxicating way for a long moment. "And that was 'love'."
They pulled back and looked at each other intently and Jack almost felt like he was intruding, but he could still remember the piercing gaze Ianto fixed him with, as if he was looking straight through all his defences. Ianto was pulled up off the sofa and with arms around each other and lips locked in another kiss, they slowly walked out of the frame and 'End of File' took it's place in bright blue letters.
Jack wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and scrubbed hard at his cheeks, teeth gritted against another onslaught of tears. He didn't want to cry anymore. He'd cried for too long and he was so tired of it all. All his efforts couldn't stop the silent cascade and he moved to lie face down on his bed.
Maybe I wasn't ready… he thought with a stab of grief as his breathing juddered and he started to sob again, his world filled with bone-deep aching and sorrow once more.
Little did Jack know that the Doctor was keeping an eye on him via the TARDIS's faint psychic link. He patted the console wearily and smiled. They'd felt Jack smile for the first time in months, no matter how unconsciously it had been born.
He has to take a few steps back every so often, he's still doing well… he thought reprovingly to the concerned and maternal hum and pulsing of the column in front of him.
TBC - Hope you liked it, comments adored!
