Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters they belong to Dick Wolf

Authors Note: I have taken an old story, rewritten, and revised it. My first attempt did not flow the way I wanted it to. I hope you like it! Suggestions and critiques are welcomed!

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When did my life get so messed up and complicated? I just gave birth to my fifth child, my second son, and all I can think or feel is that I am slowly losing what I have spent and invested more than 20 years of my life and heart in. It's funny what life throws at you just when you think you can't take anymore. Now I just have the emptiness that has raged through my veins along with the knowledge that my heart couldn't break any more and my will has fallen into so many pieces that even if I can move past this, will take me years to get back.

Why haven't I ever seen it before? All the little looks and the famous conversations they have with their eyes and the silent understanding that flows between them all add up in a new way now. The easy sense of camaraderie they share that makes them one of the most successful teams on the New York police force and also makes them the envy of their department. I wonder if he knows that he loves her, it is the clearest emotion in his eyes every time he speaks of her. Looking through the window of the room I was placed in those few hours ago when I was brought in after the wreck that almost ended in tragedy, I watch the hustle and bustle of the hospital keep moving like a well-oiled machine. Looking in the general direction I saw my husband go earlier, I see them and my breathing halts abruptly. I look down at my newborn son who is sleeping so soundly in my arms I wonder how in the world it came to this. All of my worst fears are coming true. I wonder when this started. I always knew he was attracted to her. His gruff antagonisms toward her over the past years have taught me little else. I wonder if he even knows just how deep rooted those feelings toward her are or if he even realizes that they are there or better yet if he realizes the true reason for them.

Across the hall, I see her; she is standing so rigid and awkward in my husbands' arms. In this moment I know, I am certain in a way I have not been in almost 9 years that this is a first for them. Even through walls, windows, and the numerous people between me and the scene outside of my room, I can feel the raw emotion and intensity as clearly, as if I were standing next to them. I should look away I know, this moment is private for them but I can't drag my eyes away. Dammit I am his wife, that should be me, but it isn't. Clutching Eli close to my chest I pray that he keeps me grounded. I almost feel ashamed as I watch the mouth that has become so familiar over the years open and close. His expression makes my heart break. It is so tormented and yet it is so pure. I can't look away any more than I could seconds ago as I watch him open and close his mouth again almost as if his voice is failing him or his mind one. My tears are falling freely as I observe the helpless shudder run the length of his powerful frame. "You're ok" he mouths and before my very eyes I watch her arms come up and around his waist as if of their own violation to return his embrace.

The emotions I see playing across his face at this very second are ones that I thought were long dead in the man I married. I wonder if her face shows the same shattering emotions as Elliot's does? Physical pain overcomes me in waves. Oh God I can't catch my breath. Why can't he just look at me that way? Where did we go so wrong? Over 20 years of my life has centered around that man and our life together, our home, and the children we share. Eli stirs in my arms and even though I feel my life starting to crumble further than it has in the past two years, I know that taking my children and not looking back will never be as hard as what lies ahead of me. I wonder if I can live with this? Can I truly and honestly live with a man who loves someone else and know that he can never reach that depth of emotion with me? Can I pack up the shambles of our lives again and leave, taking our children with me? My heart constricts at the thought because while I know he loves her I know his love for his children comes first. Our separation was hard on them. Maureen and Kathleen took it the hardest and hated him for a while. Dickie and Lizzie worship him and even though they didn't understand what was happening around them, they sure tried to make sense of it. No, no matter his failings, he loves his children as fiercely as I do. Watching him now though I can see something else lying beneath the surface of the sweet simplicity of this embrace.

God knows that I have tried to hate her. I have worked for years to hate her but I can't seem to muster the energy to force it today, not after what she has done for me and the small newborn in my arms. The intense emerald green of insane jealousy has blinded me where Detective Olivia Benson was concerned since the day he came home full of hot air and told me about his new hot shot partner with a bad attitude and a gun. She irritated him he said, but deep inside I think I always saw my form of the truth. His antagonism for her was always a cover for something else which I don't think he ever saw. If I were very honest with myself, it is probably the real reason I have always ranted, raved, and yelled until I was blue in the face trying to get him to leave Special Victims at the one-six and transfer back to Queens. It was because of the fear of losing him that I fought so hard and partly so I could spare myself the pain of seeing the scene right across the hall at this moment.

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I know that they have never crossed that imaginary line between partners and something more. Knowing it does not seem to be helping the emotions running rampant through me right now though. The bond they share is so strong that it is almost tangible. She gets to share a part of his life that I can never touch or understand.

Forcing my attention back to the tiny life in my arms I reach over and turn on the radio. The strains of the melody coming through the speakers are ones thast I know very well. Snuggling Eli even closer, I softly start singing the song while I press tiny kisses to his forehead. It is truly amazing, this sweeping and overwhelming feeling of a mother's love as she shelters the small life she brought into the world.

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow

And each road leads you where you want to go,

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

My mind is still running circles around my tired body and heart. Can I compete with her? Do I want to? I know for my sons' sake I have to try, he and Elliot deserve that much at least. I can't take his son away. I lay Eli down gently in the bassinet they put beside my bed and settle back against my pillows. Releasing a sigh I think back on the events of the day and just how badly things could have turned out. So much has happened in the past two years that I just do not know anymore. The blissful oblivion of sleep is coming and as my eyes grow heavy, I know without a doubt that the real fight begins tomorrow. I also know that this fight is going to make or break us all.