Lexie traces her fingers along the side of the on-call room bed; she has this need to feel cold on her skin, because her hands are too hot and she's not comfortable. Really, it's what it boils down to – she's not comfortable. She has no idea what she thought residency would be like but she didn't envision orders being barked at her, older residents yelling at her and patients generally hating her for not being qualified enough. Most people get into medicine because they want to help people. Lexie did it because she wanted to do that, and she wanted to make her parents proud. In hindsight, that wasn't the best reason.
She's hiding in the on-call room because Dr. Cristina Yang is angry at her, again. She isn't sure what she's done beyond being Meredith Grey's sister, but she knows that the two are best friends and she knows that Meredith's probably got something to do with it. Cristina's not a warm, fuzzy person – she's prickly and snappy and she demands excellence from everyone. The problem is, Lexie's talented, but she can't work when she knows someone's watching her. And Cristina's eyes are never off her – Cristina watches every move Lexie makes. So, Lexie messes up. And then she gets into trouble and Cristina orders her away from her sight while she deals with the other interns.
So it's a time out, of sorts. Lexie's cheeks are tear-streaked and she feels like a complete failure, which again, drives home the point that it doesn't matter what kind of marks you got in school or what kind of college you went to, if you can't cut it under pressure, you'd better put the scissors down.
The door bangs open and Cristina comes into the room. She says nothing – she simply hangs up her white coat and takes off her shoes and Lexie isn't sure that she's even seen her until Cristina speaks.
"Okay, Three. Listen to me. I don't know what's going on and I don't care. But here's the thing. I've got this feeling that you can't be this annoying all the time."
Lexie looks up at Cristina, who still isn't looking at her – she's trying to untie her shoe. "What?"
Cristina sighs in impatience. "Shut up, Three." She finally finishes with the knot in her laces and sits down beside her. "Okay, here's where you need to just stop." She enumerates her points on her fingers.
"One, you're an oversharer. I don't care, the other interns don't care, the attendings don't care, and especially? Meredith doesn't care. So just stop. You're already chipper; people already tolerate you. That's all you'll get right now.
"Two, you need to pay more attention and stop asking stupid questions. You ask really off-topic questions at the most inappropriate times, as in, when I'm trying to read CT scans. Just don't – seriously, just stay quiet. If you need to ask a question, it should be related to the case.
"Three, and Grey, I really get tired of this – you talk back. You talk back and it's not cute. In fact, it's annoying. You're so busy thinking up your next witty remark that you miss what I'm teaching you and then you mess up, and then I have to clean up your mess." Cristina pushes a curl behind her ear. "So, just think before you do things, and then I won't have to yell at you in front of everyone."
Lexie opens her mouth and then closes it as her lower lip wobbles dangerously. However, she nods emphatically. Cristina's face doesn't change, but her steely dark eyes soften a bit.
"It's harder for Meredith to deal with you than it is for you to deal with her. You have no idea what she's going through and it's just not appropriate for you to keep pushing her. I'm not making assumptions about your life. I don't care. But I am telling you that this is not easy on her and it's not endearing you to her."
Lexie picks at a stray thread on her scrubs and then looks up with glittering dark eyes. "Why do you hate me?"
"I don't," Cristina raps out, rising. "I find you equally as annoying as the rest of the peons."
"No, you don't," Lexie insists with a quivering voice, even though Cristina's just told her to shut up. "You . . ."
"Pick on you? Three, seriously? You're going to whine that the big bad resident picks on you?"
"Well, you do," Lexie mutters, but she shuts up and lies down on the bed. Cristina sits back down beside her, and Lexie looks at her straight back and the tangled cluster of her hair at the nape of her neck before Cristina speaks again.
"I'm pushing you. Because you're better than the other interns. There, I said it. Now shut up about it."
Lexie turns her face into her pillow, but when she dares a look up, Cristina's still there, and now she's looking at her. "I'm not good at this comforting thing, Grey."
"Yeah." Lexie gulps back some tears and tries to be adult. "Well, thanks for talking to me, anyway."
Cristina nods, and Lexie thinks she's going to climb up to the top bunk, but instead, she lies down beside Lexie and stares at the bottom of the bed above them. Well . . . okay.
Lexie shifts uncomfortably to the side. She's endlessly tired, but she can't sleep with her boss lying right beside her. Cristina crosses her arms behind her head and sighs. "Grey, you better not be crying, still."
"I wasn't crying!"
"Don't lie to me." Cristina flips onto her side to face Lexie. "That's another thing. You need to stop with the tears. They're not helpful and they just make me more annoyed with you. And really? I don't need to spend my day totally annoyed with you. You do good things. How about we focus on those?"
"Good things?"
And before Lexie can say another word, Cristina kisses her. It's a crushing sort of kiss; Lexie actually recoils, but Cristina comes with her and suddenly, Lexie's twisting her hands in the dark tangled curls and she can feel Cristina's hands moving down her scrubs to rest on her bottom, and she can feel her nipples hardening as the resident's tongue thrusts into her mouth.
When they break apart, Cristina's panting a little bit and Lexie's gobsmacked. She opens her mouth, but for once in her life, nothing comes out.
Cristina gets up, then. "Okay, then. Just do better next time, Three."
She bangs out the door and Lexie leans back on the bed. Sleep is officially murdered for her, but she is more aware of what's expected.
She runs her hands back on the cool rails of the bed and sighs. She's not comfortable, but maybe you don't have to be. She could over-analyze this to death; she could ask Cristina what it means – she could even ask around the hospital to see if this has happened before.
But she doesn't. Instead, she closes her eyes and remembers the hands on her body; the taste of Cristina's mouth.
Sometimes, it just pays to shut up.
