The Marriage Law

A/N: ...I had a bad day.

"What?!" they cried in unison. The furore was deafening. Hermione, Harry, Ron, Draco, Fred, George, Ginny, Neville, Oliver, Percy, Pansy, Lavender, Parvati, Blaise, Nott, Bulstrode, Luna, Dobby, and several other canon and original characters occupied the hall of the Ministry, glaring furiously at Kingsley Shacklebolt and his Ministry peeps. The Minister of Magic tried to calm them down, but it seemed to no avail.

"Now I understand your concerns and I know this is a bit sudden - "

"Damn right it's sudden!" snapped Draco Malfoy who looked very, very put out. "No warning at all!"

"And this can't be legal! Has this law even been passed through the Senate?" said Hermione, her frizzy hair in complete disarray.

"We can assure you that this is for the good of our Magical Community, for the greater good!" said a particularly plump, old Minister.

"Sacrifices need to be made," argued another.

"And what exactly is your reasoning for this Marriage Law?" spat Harry Potter. A few equally irritated witches and wizards shouted 'yeah!' and 'hear hear!'

"Yeah! And why the hell would you pair me up with Parkinson?!" added George as he dismissively signalled at the pug-faced Slytherin who scowled at him. "Who did the match-making? Grawp?"

"Now gentlemen, ladies, we are doing our very best –"

"You didn't answer the question," interjected Hermione icily. "Why are you forcing a Marriage Law on us?"

Shacklebolt looked lost for words, but another Minister piped up.

"Because it's for the good of our magical community!"

"Because we want to reunite Pure-bloods and Muggle-borns!" added another.

"Because interbreeding is killing this community and we need Muggleborns to replenish the gene pool?" came another.

"That's complete –" began Ginny.

"Crap!" finished Neville, eliciting a few impressed looks.

"I didn't fight the war, lose my whole family, live a year of angst and poverty for this shit!" said an original male character whose wavy brown locks, crystal eyes and rugged, lean form would have melted Hermione Granger's heart after months of a forced marriage filled with a minefield of misunderstandings and faux pas.

"D-Dobby does not want to marry Miss Bulstrode," Dobby piped up with careful excitement.

"Dobby... you're dead," said Ron.

"Oh."

"..."

"..."

"After everything we've been through, we will not settle for this draconian law! You clearly don't represent us!" said Hermione angrily. Others shouted in the affirmative, while the ministers exchanged uncertain looks.

"Now look!" bellowed Kingsley, suddenly silencing the room as he towered over the young, magical citizens…and elf. "We're going to do it whether you like it or not! The Marriage Law will be obeyed and any attempts to thwart it will be punishable by the mighty hand of the law! Why the Marriage Law? Because it's an awesome plot device!"

"It's a bad trope!" someone cried from the back. "Over-used, nonsensical and predictable!"

"You'll just have to get used to it!" snapped Kingsley.

"That's not good enough!" someone cried.

"We want a referendum!"

"Witches will not be reduced to baby-making vessels!" cried, to everyone's amazement, Goyle.

"Look," began Kingsley more calmly, trying on a different tactic as he looked down at them. "Why not just… give it a go. See what happens. You may find you like it! Marriage Law fics always have happy endings!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione stood in front of him, looking up at him before exchanging looks. Everyone else did much the same. Until Hermione Granger, bless her, took out her wand and promptly stabbed Kingsley in the heart. In a blur, the crowd rose up, pushed aside the other ministers – old men with old views – and ushered in a new era of modern government, where everyone could marry whomever the fuck they wanted.

The End.