Meet The Barnes

by Trycee

Time-Line: Season 6, After Arcadia

Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files, this is written for fun not profit.

*A special thanks to : EO-Hiphuggers, this was her idea for a story! Thank You very much Chloe!

Mulder was seated on Scully's couch, a wide grin spread across his face every time she bent down to place one of her precious plants near the door. She turned to glance at him but he had already sensed her reaction and so he turned his head to face forward just in time.

"I can't believe Kursh is making us do this," she scoffed. "And entire month living on a farm...And why aren't you more upset about it?", she asked as she busied about her apartment, transferring her plants towards the door.

"Scully, Kursh knows how well we did with the whole Falls case...so he sent us out again," he said, watching as she buzzed around, trying to tidy her already obsessively cleaned apartment before her mother's arrival.

"But Mulder," she said, as she sat on her knees on the floor with a handful of romance novels as she shoved them into the bookshelf. "That was what...a week and a half...this is over a month or more..."

"Just think of it this way, Scully...We're not out investigating just shit and we're not fighting for our lives in a hospital bed somewhere for over a month...We get to breath in some fresh farm air, try to blend in with the locals, gain their trust, and see whose trying to blow up federal buildings..."

Scully smirked. "I'd rather look for manure...Who in the world would take us for Farmers, Mulder?"

Mulder glanced over at Scully's cashmere sweater and designer jeans and his own high end sweater and jeans. "Okay, so we're suburbanites who are tired of the city life and want to raise our future children in the wild open spaces..."

Scully turned to face him. She giggled and shook her head. "Mulder, these are angry separatists, anti-government radicals...you think they'd trust a bunch of tofu eaters?"

"I do NOT eat tofu!", Mulder said, pointing for effect.

"Well...you're setting us up to be outsiders from the beginning..."

"Okay...then think...Funny Farm..."

"Funny Farm? As in the movie with Chevy Chase," she said, with a smile. "Mulder...I hope that's not your best argument..."

"Okay...so we were suburbanites...I was some corporate-slave to the system and I lost my job, the banks took my business and I decided to move my little family out to the country to be more self-sufficient...I'll even put up Keep Out Federal Government Signs all over the place..."

"That sounds better, " she said, walking over to the couch and slumping down next to Mulder.

Scully's leg had landed next to Mulder's but she hadn't moved it. She glanced up at Mulder who was watching her carefully. She glanced down shyly at her hands. "But...Mulder...You didn't say what my career was or would be..."

Mulder chuckled. "Scully, these are separatists...they're very traditional...You're gonna be a house-wife..."

He could see the color drain out of her face. "A what? A house-wife?", she choked. "A house-wife? As in...sit at home...all day..."

"And wash my clothes, cook my dinner...OUCH!", he said, from the piercing pain in his arm. "It's not my values, Scully, it's there's...and it would be unusual for you, as my wife, to work outside the home."

Scully shook her head. She was glaring at him. She crossed her arms in front of her. "Okay, fine...Only because its the job..."

"Exactly, Kursh ordered us to do this...", he said, touching his bruised arm. "Jeez, Scully...I see you're a feminist..."

"A housewife," she sighed. "That's my parents dream and my nightmare," she sighed. "What am I to do all day?"

"I don't know...mingle...join the local church...grocery shop...do whatever housewives do...see what you can dig up..."

She sighed loudly. "God, I'm gonna be so bored..."

"Me too...", Mulder said, looking off across to the television set on low. "I bet there's no cable out there..."

"I mean...do you even know anything about farming, Mulder?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "How hard could it be, Scully? You take a tractor, you dig some holes, drop some seeds, water it, there you go..."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "We're in trouble..."

Mulder snapped his fingers. "But that means that other folks might find me pathetic enough to help, Scully...so then they'll give me advice and then I'm in..."

"I hope you're right...", she said, shaking her head. "What are you gonna do about your fish?"

"The guys are gonna feed them..."

"You might as well pick out new names now," she smirked.

Mulder smoothed his hands over his jeans, his leg rested even heavier against hers. "Hey, they fed them when we're both...incapacitated..."

"You mean, laying up in quarantine or some place...", she said, referencing to their recent stint in quarantine thanks to Diana.

Mulder looked Scully in the eyes. "Yeah, something like that..."

There was a tapping at the door. Scully stood up and opened the door.

"Dana!", her mother said, wrapping her small arms around her equally small daughter, kissing her on the side of the cheek.

"Mom...I've missed you," she said, squeezing her mother back.

"I missed you...it's been too long..."

Mulder stood up and approached Maggie. She smiled immediately and wrapped her welcoming arms around Mulder. "FOX, my god...it's been...years...since I've seen you last...but I hear about you from time to time..."

Scully glanced down at her feet as Mulder gazed in her direction. "All good, I hope..."

"Of course," Maggie smiled.

Maggie could pick up on the unspoken feelings between her daughter and Mulder as they stood so close they were nearly inseparable. Maggie smiled and squeezed Mulder's hand. "You're gonna help me?"

"Yes," he said, picking up the largest plant.

"Mulder, if you drop any of these plants, I'll shoot you...again!", Scully threatened.

"I know, Scully...I already figured that out...", he said, walking out into the hallway.

Scully then handed her mother a smaller plant and she picked up two more plants herself and followed them back down to her mother's car. Mulder placed each plant carefully in, shutting the door. Scully hugged her mother tightly. "Thanks for coming all this way for just for a few plants..."

"Of course...I'll take care of them...Let me know the minute you're back..."

"I will..."

Maggie and Mulder embraced. "Take care of her, Fox...I'm counting on that..."

Mulder's arm slid to Scully's back protectively. "I promise, I will..."

"And Dana...you do the same..."

"We will..."

"Be careful..."

"Bye Mom!", Scully said, reluctantly.

"Bye Mrs. Scully!", Mulder said, as she got into her car and drove away.

Mulder guided Scully back to the steps but his hand slipped away as they climbed the steps back up to her apartment. When they entered Scully turned to look at Mulder. "You know Mulder...Kursh gave us a credit card for our wardrobe, I think maybe we should go shopping..."

She looked at Mulder to gauge his reaction. He looked at his clothes and at hers."Why Scully?"

"Because my Fed attire and you're Armani suits won't be sufficient farm-wear..."

"Okay...we'll go to the mall..."

"Mulder...these people probably shop where there isn't a mall for 50 plus miles...we'll need to go to Tractor Supply..."

"You expect us to drive all the way to some unknown town to shop at a tractor place?"

"Mulder, they have clothes too..."

"You are NOT putting me in overalls, Scully!"

Scully 's blue eyes sparkled as she tried to hide her smile. "We'll see, Mulder..."

He shook his head in disgust. "God, now this is my nightmare!"

"We have to leave out in the morning...so we better get started...and oh...I get to choose the names this time..."

"I already did...The Farmers..."

"From the movie Mulder? Won't that be a little obvious...I'm sure these people have seen Funny Farm too, Mulder..."

"Okay...fine...you choose it then..."

"I went to school with a girl named Barnes...That's close enough without being too obvious..."

"Okay...", he said, leaning against the arm of her sofa. "What's my first name, Jim-Bob?"

"We're surbanites, remember?", she said, trying to swallow her laughter. "Ahem...", she said, gulping it down. She loved the way Mulder was squirming. "Tyrone..."

Mulder gasped. "I love women, Scully!"

She couldn't contain herself and giggled which delighted Mulder. "Okay...then...Chris...Or Christopher..."

"Do I get to choose your name, since you're choosing mine?", he said with a smirk.

"Maybe...Let's see what you come up with..."

"Hmmm...something sexy...", he said, looking her over.

Scully's cheeks turned a light shade of pink. "Mulder!"

"Hmmm...Rebecca...no...Kathy...or maybe...something exotic..."

"Mulder, I'm Irish with fair skin and red hair, I'm not THAT exotic..."

"I disagree...", he grinned widely.

Now it was Scully's turn to squirm. She could see Mulder's eyes wander over her body in a way she had never seen before. "Mulder?", she said glancing up into his gorgeous hazel eyes.

"Jessica...", he said, satisfied.

Scully looked confused. "You think the name Jessica is sexy?"

"It depends upon the woman...", he said, smiling as he stood up straight. "I think you could definitely pull off the name...Jessica," he said, walking over to the door, not looking back.

She spun around surprised but Mulder was out of the door. She grabbed her purse and keys as quickly as she could so she could catch up.

From the moment Mulder and Scully walked into the Tractor Supply store, they were aware that they were display. Mulder placed his hand on the small of Scully's back as she pushed the buggy into the store.

"Is it me, or do we stick out like a sore thumbs?", Mulder whispered.

"This is why we're here, so we won't tomorrow...", she said, pushing the buggy as Mulder strolled along side of her.

All eyes were on them as they walked further into the store, past the horse feed, the buckets and other farm equipment. An employee walked up to them immediately. "Is the store being audited or something?", the white haired man joked.

"We're customers...", Scully said, raising an eyebrow. "We're looking for flannel..."

"Flannel?", Mulder said, spinning around to face her. "You can't be serious..."

"And overalls...", she said, with a straight face. Scully unconsciously fingered her bare ring finger. "My husband and I are becoming farmers..."

The guy chuckled. "You two? "

Mulder cocked his head to one side. "Yeah, why?", he asked with a shrug.

The elderly man looked at them both and chuckled again. "The flannel and overalls are to your right..."

Scully pushed the buggy forward and they both could hear the laughter behind their backs as they walked on. "This is the sort of people we'll be around, Mulder...we really need to look the part..."

"I told you no overalls, Scully...", Mulder said, staring at the rack in front of him. "My god..."

"Mulder, we're going undercover...Now shop!"

Mulder huffed loudly and then grabbed up a pair of blue jeans overall's in his size. "FINE, " he said, rolling his eyes. "Let's just hurry up...we have to drive back to D.C and I need to go home and get some rest before the morning..."

Scully moved past Mulder to the shirts. She picked up a blue and black stripped flannel shirt and placed it against Mulder's massive chest. "Hmm...That'll look nice on you..."

"You're joking, right?", he said, snatching the shirt from her and looking at the tag. "This'll make me itch, I know it..."

"Mulder, you're acting like a big baby...", she said, grabbing up several versions of the same shirt. "Now, lets go try them on...", she said, heading for the men's dressing room. Mulder reluctantly followed behind her. She waited patiently for him to come out but after 10 minutes of waiting she knew he was stalling. "Mulder get out here or I'll kick your ass!"

"I'll rather take the ass-kicking..."

"Fox William Mulder!", she said, raising her voice.

Mulder pulled back the curtain. "Scully, you're asking for it..."

"Just come out..."

With one step, he was in front of her. Scully placed her hands in front of her face. "My god, I wish I had a camera...the Gunmen would never believe this..."

"Scully...payback is a bitch...", he said, his eyes narrowed.

She erupted into laughter, her cheeks were so red they matched her hair. Scully could hear more laughter behind her and she swung around to see the old man and two other employees laughing and pointing at Mulder in his overalls. She glanced back at Mulder but he was glaring at her. "Okay...we'll get one overall, and some jeans...", she said, throwing up her hands.

"Seriously woman...you're killing me here..."

After they'd found Mulder's wardrobe, they wandered over to the small women's section. There were stiff women's jeans that looked exactly like the mens with equally manly looking shirts. Scully placed a few in the buggy, silently vowing that she would die before she wore any of them and when they were done, they checked out as quickly as possible and then drove back to D.C.

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