**Disclaimer I do not own PLL**
One can always question themselves. It's perfectly natural. Paige McCullers was one of those girls. She questioned. She questioned what would become of her life. She questioned if she would ever find love. She questioned what her breaking point would be, but most of all, she questioned what was for dinner. She was starved. In her house it smelled so deliciously. Her mouth watered. After a long field hockey practice saying she famished was an understatement.
She went downstairs and her mother was there cooking burgers. She knew it was her favorite.
"Hello Paige-y!"
"Hi mom…" in all honesty she was the only person that ever called her that. It was sort of unusual but only her mother could get away with it.
It would make her feel like a child. She supposed she would always be at least in her eyes.
"The food looks delicious!"
"I'm glad." He mother beamed down "You haven't been eating well I noticed so I just wanted to make sure you got your fill."
There it was. Paige hated lying. She knew it was wrong. It was uncalled for. It was something that just felt immoral, but she would rather deal
with that immorality than deal with her mother knowing just how wrong she was.
Paige didn't want to be like this. She didn't ask for it. She figured that when one Alison Dilaurentis put her in her place it was justified. She shouldn't love herself. Why would she? How could she?
She was not normal, however badly she wanted to be.
"I'm worried about you Paige."
"Mom I'm fine, really. You shouldn't worry yourself you know?"
Paige knew she was justified in her worry. She would sit in class, health mainly as she learned about what it meant to be "healthy". She knew she wasn't.
When teachers and counselors talked about self harm and eating disorders it would make her shrink down in her seat that much more. It was not like she was asking for it, everything to occur. There was just no way for her to feel comfortable within her own skin.
She was "Paige Pig Skin McCullers."
She was the human penalty box.
Paige tried, she tried so hard to be accepted with other kids her own age, it was just difficult. It was easy for her to get lost within her own world, her own mind. Her mother always said she had an old soul but it was more than that. She was different that much was obvious.
It was at these moments that she wished that everything was easy.
Spencer Hastings, Emily Fields, Aria Montgomery, and Hanna Marin all seemed to have it easy. It was because of their leader, the fair haired child, the ruler of the school, the queen bee. She always wondered what made the four so lucky, hefty Hanna, the girl with the striped hair, the human dictionary.
They all were so different but they were the few. Paige had heard Alison talk about them behind one another's back. Paige was immune to her, charm that much was true.
Emily, Emily was a different story. She didn't understand any of it. Why Emily, why everything occurred but when she would come into computer class she would watch her fingers, they were separated by students but she would look. The girl was the reason that she always felt different. When she would see her walk down the hall was when she would feel it. She was beautiful, her hair flowed with little effort.
People asked her, why sports were life, it wasn't for the medals or recognition, but rather it was the only place she felt fully in control.
There were no questions. It was just doing. She was strong, toned, it was the only place she actually felt it.
"I understand baby. I love you girly." Her mom responded.
"I know can I take this up? I have a lot of homework."
Rosewood high was different with every hall. She only wanted relief.
"Honey…" Her mom was about to say no when she was interrupted.
"Please! I got an English report and trig homework. AP classes have been kicking my butt you know that."
"Fine but you better bring down your plate."
She kissed her mom on the cheek as she went upstairs.
The door closed as she entered her room. Here was her escape. She was able to pretend her life outside of this room was nonexistent.
She could lock herself in. She could lock the world out. Nothing would touch her or harm her. Not here. It was freedom from everything that she underwent on a regular basis including herself.
It was where she got her hatred for herself out. She could abuse herself all she wanted in any way when she wanted.
There was a way for her to leave her life behind and she took it every chance she got.
Her father was not a deacon. She didn't go to church on Sundays. She didn't have to be the perfect daughter. It was just her and her laptop. It was her and her mind.
Sometimes she would give herself pleasure but that was rare. It was difficult for her to want to make herself happy, but on the days she saw Emily's smile, that made her happy, it made her want to be happy.
She didn't understand what made Emily special and different in Alison's eyes, but she only wished Emily could look at her the same way that she looked at Alison.
Jealousy would consume her but it would be kept under control.
The anxiety was a lot but she was functioning and that was enough.
One day she would get Alison back, for all the harsh names, for making her feel even more alone. It would happen, she didn't know how or why but she would feel some retribution.
She would not have to feel same shame. In a perfect world there would be no girls like Alison and she would be accepted for what she was and not have to put up any front. She didn't even know what she was, who she was. The person who did their best or the awkward girl Ali made her out to be.
Manipulated, that was the best word to describe it all.
Innocence of childhood was long gone, high school was a different story. Wasn't it supposed to be exciting?
It should not be stressful. Everything should have been wonderfully easy with some difficulty but nothing like this.
Nothing would make her happy than to be able to be, she didn't want to be a freak. Branding was the worst.
She couldn't be a popular jock it was impossible. She couldn't be a brain she wasn't smart enough. There was nowhere to turn to, nowhere to go. This is her life at the moment, a story of a tortured soul. There was no way out. There was no hope, or at least it seemed as there wasn't.
She needed to find an anchor. She needed to find a base.
Paige wanted nothing more than to grow up and leave Rosewood, it was a trap, the city was alive in the worst of ways.
