July 3, 2020
11:34 am Eastern Time
Donald woke up crying, not knowing why. He glanced to his right to see Mike Pence still lying next to him on the golden waterbed he had had installed in the Oval Office. Midsummer sunlight gleamed through the window, reflecting brilliantly off the sheen of sweat on Mike's chest, left over from a long night of lovemaking.
God, he was glad he'd left Melania in New York.
But even with Mike's smoking bod at his disposal, Don's life felt empty. He couldn't name what, exactly, was missing, but he felt a pang of absence in every fiber of his being.
Then, as if on cue from the higher power Donald pretended to believe in to elicit sympathy from religious voters, his private cell phone began to ring. He reached around Mike to grab the phone from the bedside table. Blocked number. But Donald knew. Only four people had this number: Melania, Mike, his chief of staff, and…
"Vlad," he whispered reverently as he picked up the phone.
"Donald," answered the voice of Vladimir Putin, "It is good to be hearing your voice once more."
"I thought you'd forgotten about me." The Russian president had not made a personal phone call to his American counterpart since the incident six months ago, when a jealous Pence threatened to expose their relationship to the public.
"Donald," Vlad crooned, "I could never forget you. I have merely been . . . how you say . . . Biden my time."
His voice was so smooth, like butter being poured over a fresh-caught lobster. Donald had no intention of silencing that voice long enough to correct the man who could offer him the best head of his life.
"Donald, my love. I must know. Is this line tapped?"
"Only by you," he replied. "No one else can tap things quite as well."
"Excellent." Vlad hesitated. "Now. I vant to make deal. Tomorrow is your Independence Day, yes?"
"Uh-huh," said Donald.
"Vell, I have little . . . shall ve say . . . firevorks display planned."
"Huh?"
"The nukes, Donald! The nukes! I send them to America on Fourth of July! Boom! Celebration! Boom! Death! Boom! IRONY!"
As Vlad raised his volume, Donald felt himself growing hard. He wanted to sink into that voice, let it consume him. But then he remembered his duty as the president. "I can't let you do that, babe. I bigly swore to protect the American people. And my kids. Ivanka and . . . and the other ones. I'm sorry, Vlad. I'm gonna have to report your plan."
"No, Donald. No. This is deal I spoke of. Before I send nukes, I bring you to Mother Russia. You are safe. Ve make vaves globally as new power couple. Ve vill be unstoppable. Picture it, Donald."
And he could. Damn, he could. He was even harder now, full to bursting. Unable to hold himself back, Donald opened his zipper. "I'm in, baby. Please keep talking."
"Oh, you like this? Vonderful. Yes, Donald, ve can conquer vorld. And I vill rule from Russia vith you by my side. Unlimited vealth. Unlimited power. Everything ve own vill be made of diamonds. Ve vill make love on diamond beds, diamond chairs, diamond countertops. And America vill be incapable of opposing us."
Donald was hard at work now. This was the only time he felt grateful for small hands. His member was perhaps a bit below average in size, but in his own hands it looked like a yuge, hulking monstrosity by comparison. A monstrosity that was now throbbing with desire at the thought of ruling the world while nailing Vlad on every available surface. He came with a moan that caused Mike to stir next to him. His voice dropped back to a whisper. "When should I be ready to go?"
"The plane is already vaiting outside, my pet."
Donald grinned, his life full once again. He pulled up his zipper, planted one final kiss on Mike's forehead, and walked toward his perfect future, the fate of the nation be damned.
