All of my life Feliciano has been better. I was always known as the bad-mouthed older brother, and nobody liked me. Ever since Feli came along when I was two years old, I've been ignored in favor of him. It wasn't always like this, once upon a time I was always smiling and always in a good mood. But when Feli was born, he took the spotlight and I've grown bitter. Don't get me wrong, I love Feliciano, but so does everybody else, too much at that. I'm only trying to help him when I act protective!
Not to mention Grandpa chose him over me too. When we were younger and he had two tickets to go back to our home town in Italy because of business (he's an architect), he could only choose one of us to go. Of course, he didn't hesitate in picking Feliciano. I expected him to anyways, but it would have made me feel better if he had hesitated about it. But of course he didn't. Because it's Feli everyone likes more.
When I was seventeen, I had a close friend who I had feelings for. She was beautiful and always happy, yet I couldn't tell her how I felt. When I finally built up the courage to tell her, right before I could she told me she just started dating my brother and she was so happy. That's one of my worst memories, but of course I gave her a watery smile and told her I was happy for her.
Do you want to know the sad thing? You probably don't, but I'll tell you anyways. This is the first of no less than five times this has happened.
All because I'm unlikeable and unlovable.
So I tried not to fall in love anymore because it would only help fuel the fire further in my mind. I admit, I've thought about offing myself before. Do you want to know why I haven't?
Because I don't want to upset Feliciano.
Grandpa wouldn't care. That girl wouldn't care. Gilbert and Francis wouldn't care. And I seriously doubt Antonio would care no matter how much I care about him. But Feli is weak and can't stand on his own.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you an important fact. This fact is one of the stupidest things I've done but I can't do anything about it.
Nothing at all.
Have you guessed already? If you haven't, you're a complete idiot. Have you seen the theme throughout this entire rant? I'll give you a hint.
Love.
I've fallen in love and there's nothing I can do to help it.
I've done everything I can. I've tried ignoring him (yes it's a him). I've tried falling in love with someone else. But nope. Not going to happen I guess.
Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo has stolen my heart and I can't get it back no matter how hard I've tried to.
And he acts so much like the girl I loved before, yet he has his own flare. Her eyes were a dark forest green while Antonio's eyes are like new emeralds. Her hair was almost black and she had sun kissed skin, but he has dark chocolate hair and honey colored skin. They are both absolutely stunning, but Antonio has a certain air about him. A certain…charming factor that she didn't have.
But of course, my love will stay unrequited. If I tell him, he'll just choose Feliciano instead of me like everybody else has and will. I can try to be as nice as I can, I can go to extreme lengths to be considered handsome, I can even spend all of the money I have trying to impress others. But of course, that wouldn't work would it? No.
Because I am useless.
Because I am rude.
Because I am unneeded.
Because I am not wanted.
Because I am second best.
Because Feliciano exists.
So no, I do not want to do everything I can to prove my worth (no matter how little I have). I will silently bide my time alone instead of going through the pain of being unwanted. I don't care anymore, I really don't. I am twenty years old now and my younger brother is eighteen, so he doesn't need me anymore. Now I have no legitimate reason for me existing other than my selfish desire to be with Antonio even though it's obviously not reciprocated and it never will be.
Should I just give up? The only friends I have now are my tomato plants and my cat Romano. What am I actually living for?
Should I even be here?
Was I even meant to be born?
No, I guess not. I really doubt anyone would care.
So I leave you with this, my last thoughts of my useless life. I've done everything I can, but yet in the end, none of it even mattered. I wonder how long it will take someone to find me? Will it take a day? A month? A year? Hopefully I doesn't take too long, I don't want the apartment downstairs to complain about my apartment reeking, but I won't have to deal with that anymore will I?
Arrivaderci,
Lovino Vargas
