Can I do this? Can love kill love? I am doing this because I need to
protect him. I always have, I always will, and I must now. But can my love for
him kill my love for these people, people who have taken me in, made me their
own, given me something I have only had from one other person? They are good
people. They are kind, caring, wonderful people. Do I have the strength? Have a
lost enough of my humanity yet to do something so abhorrent, even to protect the
one I love most?
How long before I become what they think I am? How long before the name
"Chiriko" is not a role I have taken on, but the person I believe myself to be?
How long until the moment I cannot hurt them because I believe myself to be one
of them? Not long, I think, because I love them already. And if that happens,
what of Shun? I cannot let myself love them, for his sake, because I have to
protect him. I love my brother...and yes, I would kill to protect him. Only him.
But can I kill a young girl's happiness, a young man's love, the warmth and
friendship and love exuded by these people? Unconditional love. Trust. Can I
truly shatter all that? Can I pick up my flute when the moment comes, and split
them with its shrill sounds? Can I?
It's late, I should be resting, getting ready for tomorrow. But here I am,
standing in my room, the battle in my heart not half finished. Even if I reach
some conclusion tonight, I know I will still be battling this demon all the way
up until, and during, the ceremony. I wish I could ask Shun-chan about this, but
that would put him in danger. Nakago watches him like a hawk, and if I wrote to
him, to tell him I'm having trouble going through with my mission, I'm sure
Nakago would somehow find out. No, I must grapple with this issue alone.
I'm no fool. I know Nakago doesn't give a damn whether I live or die. For
that matter, I don't much, either, as long as Shun-chan's safe. He won't be if I
fail. Nakago won't be able to kill him, because he'll need him. But torture
isn't beyond that sadistic monster's capabilities. "We'll take good care of your
brother," he said. Lies, or rather a simple phrase underpinning his unstated
threat. My success determines my brother's safety. Which is why I have to go
through with this. Which is why I have to kill seven living, breathing human
beings.
