Chris grinned at the camera. "Hello, questionable people of the internet who've probably seen at least one episode of Total Drama! We're coming at you whenever this author bothers to update, from Muskoka, Ontario!"
"Chris! Why did you schedule the next season for the day after Island? And why'd you put everyone on fancy yachts and tell them the same lies as last time?" Chef yelled from the kitchen.
"Thanks for reminding the readers that you exist, Chef! Anyways, this season I'm having before Action because I can has a grand prize of $100,000... or whatever's in this box!" Chris announced, holding up a moldy wooden box. "The winner also gets a guaranteed spot in Action, even if they already won that!"
"That said, let's meet our first contestant! He's been flanderized into a crybaby, killed animals across the globe, and usually ends up with Katie! Iiiiiit's DJ!"
A tall, dusky brickhouse wearing a white skullcap and the best shirt of all time jumped off a yacht and gave Chris a weird look. "Yo, Chris? None of those things are true. What's up with the intro?"
Chris just pointed to where DJ was supposed to go stand and began to introduce the next contestant. "Our next contestant is a few fries short of a Happy Meal, cussed out Heather on national TV, and grew a brain only to lose it in All Stars, iiiiiiiiit's Admiral Lindsay, her hotness!"
Lindsay, a gorgeous, well-endowed blonde in a blue bandana, halter top, skirt, and boots, waved for the camera. "Are you Tyler?" she asked DJ, having taken her place next to him. As he was about to speak, she continued, "Psych! I know what my own boyfriend looks like."
"Hm. Seems the authors are going with Island Lindsay. Nice! Next up is our favorite jock that sucks at everything - except taking loads of hilarious punishment! Tyler!" Chris chirped, gesturing to the dock.
Tyler, a clumsy, inept jock wearing a red tracksuit and sweatband waved at Chris from the air. He'd decided to skydive in and crashed into Lindsay. They immediately started making out. A cameraman zoomed in on them to make sure something interesting got on screen.
"Nice! Three introductions in and this season is already better than Island! Speaking of Island, she's proud to be a CIT, was unfairly voted off, sang a song about Gwen being a boyfriend kisser, and hooked up with some annoying ginger. Give it up foooooor Courtney!"
Courtney smiled and greeted the other contestants politely before tearing Chris a new one. "Okay, what was up with that intro? I barely even talked to Gwen, and last I checked, Duncan and I were fine, thank you very much!" She was about to continue, but the arrival of another contestant interrupted her.
"Gosh! Obviously Chris is referencing things that haven't happened yet in an attempt to entertain the readers through an arbitrary and boring scene! Island ended yesterday, and our appearances don't need to be described unless they've changed in some way! Idiots!"
"Harooold, you were supposed to wait for your cue!" Chris whined.
"Obviously I can't tolerate this idiocy any longer!" Harold snapped, earning himself a lengthy description.
"Our latest contestant, who was supposed to wait for his cue, is a beatboxing champion, got his pants stolen by Duncan, rigged the votes against Courtney, solved a murder mystery, was boring in World Tour, joined the drama brothers-"
Harold stopped him there. "Chris! If you're going to reference stuff that happens in later seasons, at least get your facts straight! The Drama Brothers broke up between Action and World Tour, and I went solo! Gosh! Idiot!"
"I wasn't finished, Harold! He sang a song for LeShawna, got punched out by a kangaroo, and was ignored for 3 seasons! Iiiiiiiit's Harold!"
"I was already introduced just by showing up! Your comments were superfluous! Idiot!" Harold replied, but also took his place next to Courtney, who, surprisingly, did not try to physically harm him, though he still got glared at.
Chris rolled his eyes and continued. "He's almost universally loved by the fanbase, doesn't care about anything, and usually makes it pretty far in these fics! Noah, everybody!"
Noah stepped off the yacht, reading a book. "Whatever. I'm only here to provide sarcastic humor for this anyways."
"And that's the only reason you're here. Unless one of your many, many fanon love interests doesn't have a purpose. Then you're getting into a relationship for no reason!" Chris beamed at him, "Isn't that great?"
Noah walked over to the other contestants and stood next to Harold. "What would really be great is if you'd given us more than an hour of downtime before shoving us on yachts."
"Our next contestant might have learned her lesson about trusting the wrong people, may have a boyfriend, but definitely got her braces off! Beth, everyone!"
Beth walked up, hugged Chris, and went to stand by the less boring contestants.
Loud music blared as the next boat came within a mile off the dock. "Party ahoy!" yelled a boy who could only be Geoff. Everyone with decent hearing cringed as the boat drew closer. A cannon could be seen on deck. "Ready, Freddy?"
"Silly Geoff, I'm Izzy, not Freddy. I thought Lindsay was bad with names. Gosh, I hope we're not going back to Total Drama right after the last season happened. That'd be so tacky! I wanna show off my skis! Ooh! Would Chris let us go skiing for our talent? I mean, this is a talent contest, right? Or was that the other show we were just on?"
"I'll take that as a yes! Woohoo! Three seconds….. two… one...GO!" Geoff fired the cannon, shooting Izzy and a metric ton of confetti straight at Chris. The manic redhead didn't even try to avert her course, resulting in both of them falling into the water.
Izzy dunked Chris's head underwater as she scrambled onto the dock. He started hyperventilating and Chef had to call in the makeup team and Chris's personal hair stylist. "Just… for that…" the self-proclaimed "handsome" host gasped, "Izzy… will be receiving… Total Drama's… first ever… Marked for Elimination penalty!" He proceeded to pass out before anyone could ask him what that was.
"Sooo… What now?" DJ asked.
Harold glared at him. "Isn't it obvious? Chris won't let any more people show up until he's back to looking like a 1970's pop singer. We'll have to wait for hours!"
The next yacht, belonging to Duncan was stuck circling the dock. "So what is this whole 'Marked for Elimination' thing about?" Courtney asked, staring at the yacht impatiently.
"Chris ran out of things to steal from Survivor, so he stole the most hated non-elimination penalty in the history of the Amazing Race! He didn't even change the name! Normally the team that finished last would have to finish first on the next leg or receive a 30 minute penalty, but that wouldn't work for Total Drama Ripoff, or whatever this season's called. Knowing Chris, he'll just stick whoever annoys him with 3 automatic votes against them or something lazy like that. He's such an idiot! Doesn't he know that this could completely ruin the voting strategy of the game?"
"No one cares, dweeb!" Duncan yelled from the deck, "What's taking so long?"
At that moment, Chef returned. "Criminal! Get on the dock by Psycho and Boring. I'm filling in for Chris because he's being a pussy."
Duncan complied and the other contestants nodded in agreement. Chris was a pussy sometimes.
"Our next congestant-" Chef squinted at the teleprompter "-uh, contestant is… aw, screw this! Leshawna! She's here now."
"What's up, y'all Leshawna's in it to win it this time! Now that we're being judged on our actual talents-"
"That was just a lie to get all of you to come back!" Chef interrupted. All of the contestants began to whine and complain. "Shut your traps! I'm not supposed to say this, but our first challenge is a talent show and everyone's gonna do something. So clap your traps and welcome our next contestant - Homeschool!"
As soon as Zeke stepped off the boat, he was hit in the head by a shoe.
"That was for whatever sexist thing you were thinking!" Izzy said.
"Yo dawg, that ain't chill. I'm rapper Zeke, eh! Aren't rappers supposed to be sexist?"
Another shoe hit Zeke in the groin. "Oh, stop conforming to stereotypes!" Courtney, the thrower, complained. "No one's 'supposed' to be sexist!"
"No one's supposed to be throwing my shoes at people either, but here we are!" Noah snarked. "Izzy I expect this from, but Little Miss Prim and Proper?"
Courtney shrugged. "Sorry, it just looked kinda fun when Izzy did it."
"You could have taken shoes from someone else, like your boyfriend-"
Courtney looked disgusted. "Duncan's feet are gross!"
"Love you too, princess!"
"Psycho! Prissy! Criminal! Lazy! Shut your traps! There's still," Chef paused to count on his fingers, "ten people left to introduce! I need to read these teleprompters now or we'll run out of time in the episode for the challenge again! Goth! You're up!"
Gwen looked at the summer camp, the contestants, and Chef. "It's the same game, but we're gonna see Heather bald, right? Where's Chris?"
"None of your dang business! Go stand over there!" Chef ordered.
Gwen walked over to Leshawna and gave her a high five.
"I bet Chris was too lazy to change the teams, so at least I'm with someone I can stand."
Chef started reading Chris's speech about Owen, "The next contestant farted his way to victory, lost his prize money by gambling it away, spent his nonexistent money on cheese, thanked the Academy, was on a commercial for an ab rol- okay, who wrote this crap? Owen! Get over here!"
"Wooohooo! I'm so psyched to be here, I'll win this talent show for sure!"
"We've already been over this, Chris lied, it's the same game as before."
Owen stared blankly at Chef for a few moments. "WOOHOO! Awesome! I was good at that stuff!" He glomped Chef for a full minute before wandering off to talk to Geoff.
Chef shuddered. "Our next contestant is part of a hive mind! Katie and Sadie. No screeching, no talking, no nothin'! Just stand by Lazy!"
The girls obeyed, Katie rolling her eyes as they walked.
"Next up is a man of few words that aren't about himself, an awful Action antagonist, and by far the most handsome man I've ever seen…"
"Chris McClean!" Chris said, flashing his cheesy grin at the camera, "Thanks for introducing me, Chef. You're a great guy."
Justin stood awkwardly off to the side while Chef ranted at Chris about his stupid ego. "I'm just gonna go over there…" he muttered, sliding awkwardly over to the furthest space away from Owen.
"Next up is a fanfic powerhouse who's been paired with a surprising amount of people, was almost unstoppable during our No Pain, No Gain challenge, and is a fan favorite. Not really that last one, but we like her. Eva!"
Surprisingly (to the contestants, not the readers who should be used to this right now), Eva calmly stepped off her yacht carrying a duffel bag that weighed more than Owen. In one hand. Sorry, with one finger.
"I heard about Tyler's super strong fingers, so I did some training in between seasons just to make sure that I was better than him at everything," Eva said with a smirk, hoping to spark an athletic rivalry so she could get more screentime this season.
Tyler looked down at his fingers, which looked like shriveled little shriveled things. He sighed.
"Our next camper can curve a dodgeball, peed their pants on national TV, bugged Gwen, made Owen into their dish slave, punched out Duncan-"
"When did that happen?" Duncan interrupted.
"Greece's Pieces. They should have just gone left, found love in a crazy stalkerish place, placed third-"
Owen gasped and looked at the yacht fearfully. "Heather's back? That girl is the meanest meanie in all of Kalamazoo! I knew she was mean, but I didn't think she was mean enough to bug Gwen!"
Dramatic lighting lit up the yacht, Heather's evil theme music started playing, and out walked Cody. "Um, no, Heather didn't do any of those things, wait, she did bug Gwen and finish third. I didn't do half of those things. I did get mauled by a bear, though." He proceeded to show off his super cool, kinda scabby bear claw scars that ran down his back, because the bear knew enough about reality shows not to scar him anywhere that could be visible on screen. Think of the stock footage that could have been lost! The camptestants all looked suitably impressed by Cody's gross back, and Chris started his next spiel.
"Our next contestant can stand on her hands for half an hour, surfs, is a vegetarian, hooked up with Geoff, surfs, hosted the Aftermath, surfs, made out with a pole, surfs, cared for Bruno the bear, and surfs! Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Bridgette!"
"WOO HOO!" Geoff cheered, running to meet his girlfriend at the end of the dock. In their excitement, several people got clocked with the surfboard that Bridgette had brought AGAIN despite knowing that Wawanakwa was a really crappy place to surf.
"Now, Bridgette," Chris chided, "Before you do anything, you have to promise not to make out with your boy toy during all the challenges until your personalities become sucked into a soulless void from which nothing escapes~!"
Bridgette blinked, not really sure how to respond to that, while Geoff's perma-grin grew wider. "Whatevs, host-man! We're gonna win that box!"
"That's nice, but we're running out of time. Next up is a musician, a man of many mysteries, the biggest one being why there are five fingers on the hand on his shirt, a lover of the number nine, Gwen's boyfriend, a sane person, a pain magnet, and a guy with a weak stomach! Trent!" Chris read, staring at the watch that he had spontaneously gained. "Trent, no time for protests, go, stand!" the host ordered, desperately looking out at the lake for a glimpse of the last yacht.
His efforts were rewarded. "Let's face it, you all know who's left. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's HEATHER!"
All of the campers groaned in unison. "Well, at least we know who's going home first," Trent said with a glare, having not gotten enough screentime. "Who would vote for anyone else?"
"Oh please, like I'd do the exact same thing as last season. Obviously no one's stupid or desperate enough to ally with me," Heather protested. She was, as Gwen predicted, bald.
"I'm both, eh!" Zeke put in. He was ignored.
"I'm neither, but I'd be glad to help you… m'lady," Harold added, waggling his eyebrows. Leshawna smacked him lightly upside the head, but it still caused her sort-of-kind-of-were-they-ever-officially-dating? boyfriend to fall into the lake.
Chris snapped his fingers and got the attention of the cameramen back where it belonged, on him. "We only have five minutes left, people! I need to set up this challenge so the proper drama and suspense can build between episodes! It's very complicated, so it should take me a while to explain it. Not to mention the Marked for Elimination penalty… No time for that! Talent show! It'll be awesome, 'cause you're all talented."
"I'm not, eh!"
"...Except for Zeke. He was cast for his hilarious sexism and we needed an early out. But that doesn't matter! You guys are making me waste a perfectly good intro! Kids these days, I swear," Chris continued, checking himself before he got on a rant. After all, he was still on a schedule. "Damn! Less than four hundred words left! We've only got a 3,000 word time slot, you know!"
Courtney raised her hand, and started talking without waiting for Chris to call on her. "Don't you mean a 30 minute time slot? This is still a tv show, right?"
"If you're going to raise your hand, you need to wait to be called on. Didn't you learn anything in school? And yes, this is a tv show. But it's also not. It's complicated. Anyway, back to the talent show-"
"Wait, if this is the same game as last time, why are you already reusing challenges? Didn't you come up with anything more creative?" Izzy asked, jumping onto Owen's shoulders.
Chris decided to actually answer her, mostly to justify the repetition to the readers. "We did, but there was a bunch of internet backlash when we didn't let everybody show off their talents last season, so we're trying to appease the fans. This challenge will have every person on both teams competing, and whoever does the best on the losing team will win invincibility. Izzy has a Marked for Elimination penalty, but I'm sure you know what that is."
Harold rolled his eyes. "Only because I explained it to them, gosh! The Ridonculous Race would've been better suited to my mad skills."
"Quit talkin' about stuff that hasn't happened yet and get on with it!" Chef yelled.
"Ignoring whatever Harold was talking about, my totally original idea of the Marked for Elimination penalty means that Izzy will have not one, not two, but three automatic penalty votes against her, even if her team wins!" Chris waited for the campers to gasp, but they just stood there looking unimpressed.
"What gives? That was some great dramatic buildup!" Chris whined.
"Chris, that's exactly what I said it would be! It was so obvious that it didn't even surprise the people who weren't here for my explanation. Idiot!"
Chris snapped his fingers and looked at Chef expectantly, who was just standing there staring at him. "Do you expect me to just stand here and let people ruin my dramatic tension? Throw him in the lake!"
Chef picked up Harold, held him over his head, and stopped. "We just ran out of time! You need to-"
