Pools of Sorrow, Waves of Joy
A/N: Okay, so this is a fic that I thought up when I was procrastinating while writing The Very Blackest Kind of Blasphemy. The title is a reference to The Beatles song "Across the Universe." Each chapter title will be referring to a different Beatles song. I would like to give a HUGE thank you to Elbereth Gilthoniel who did a magnificent job beta-ing this for me! Thank you so much!
Standard Disclaimer applies. The very fact of this being on this particular website is evidence that I am not Stephenie Meyer. Also, I think that it is blatantly obvious that I do not own The Beatles.
Chapter One: Greet the Brand Day
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
--"Dear Prudence"
Bella
Fear was part of my life now. It was inescapable. The smallest noise, most insignificant object would set me off and remind me of that day — things like the ring of a cell phone or a knock on the door. It sickened me that such simple things could send me to the brink of a psychotic break down. I hated that that one day, a mere twenty-four hours, had changed my life so completely forever.
I could no longer be able to be alone without having a panic attack. I couldn't be around men without having flashbacks. I hated being touched. I hated being in darkness. I barely slept because of the nightmares. I could no longer speak. I changed in so many ways; I was surprised that Alice and Rosalie took care of as well as they did. They protected me from myself and the stimuli that set me off. They took me in when I had no one else to turn to, when I felt as if I could trust no one, least of all myself.
"Bella?" Alice asked me from outside my bedroom door. "I'm coming in, okay?" I sat up in my bad as she entered. She looked nervous. I reached for my notebook, my voice, which rested on the table by my bed.
"What's wrong, Alice?" I scrawled in my nearly illegible hand.
"Bella, there's a... problem, of sorts," Alice said, sitting next to me on the bed. "I need to ask you something, but I feel bad because I'm not sure if you'll think it will be good for you."
"What are you talking about, Alice?" I wrote swiftly.
"My brother's coming to town," she whispered. "He's coming to find a place to live, but he wants to stay here until he can. Bella, I'll tell him to find somewhere else to go if you don't think you can handle it. He'll understand. But, Bella, I swear to you he won't do anything to upset you. He'll be as careful as Rose and I, if not more so. He'll keep his distance and follow any rules you give him. Edward is the kindest, most considerate man there is. I'm leaving up to you, Bella. He'll understand either way."
I remained quiet, not writing a response, contemplating Alice's dilemma. Alice wanted me to let a man into the apartment. Brother or not, kind or not... it didn't matter. I would react the same way no matter what. If there was a man that was near me, I would be unable to stop the flashbacks. If I couldn't stop the flashbacks, I would be back to square one. Square one would mean ten months of work, ten months of progress, destroyed.
Yet, wasn't Rebecca always telling me I had to take a chance at some point? That at some point in time, if I truly wanted to be me again, I would have to face my fears and take control? I, for lack of a better word, talked to Rebecca three times a week. Since I was still unable to leave the apartment without having an episode, she would come here. She had been telling me for a month now that I was ready for the next step. I was scared, though. Was this really the next step? Was it too large of a leap to be an enclosed space alone with a man and Alice?
I didn't know. I wasn't even sure if I was ready to make that large of a leap. I didn't want to go backwards, but I didn't want to stay where I was either. I needed to move forward. I didn't want to be afraid anymore. Fear controlled my life, my very existence, and I was sickened to my very core.
I took a deep breath and wrote my response. "He can come, Alice. Just be sure that he keeps his distance and talks quietly, okay?"
I handed Alice the notebook, and she read my response and smiled widely. I knew that my no-touching rule was hard on Alice. Before everything had happened, she had hugged me exuberantly and uninhibitedly. I could tell that she wanted to do just that now, but I couldn't. It hurt that I couldn't hug my friend. Alice was like the big sister I never had. I loved her like she was my sister and it pained me that she had to go through pain because of me.
I smiled softly at Alice as she left the room. I sighed heavily and lay down, knowing I needed sleep. Sleep was even worse for me than being awake. When I was awake I didn't have to remember. When I was awake, only stimuli set me off. When I was sleeping, nightmares would haunt me.
Darkness blanketed and choked me. I could hear his heavy breathing nearby but could not tell if he was nearby or not. I could hear my mother whimpering in pain somewhere close by. Warm liquid soaked my outstretched hands and I refused to acknowledge what it was or what it may be. My bound wrists ached from the tight bindings that encircled them.
I could not suppress a gasp as I felt him cut the tape binding my ankles together. For a brief moment, false hope flashed through me. Was he releasing me? Would he free my mother? Could my father still be freed? Then the small flame of hope turned to icy terror.
He pinned my hands above my head and moved between my legs.
No.
No, no, no, no, no!
I flailed wildly, struggling fruitlessly against his iron grip. "Get off me! Stop it!" I screamed loudly.
"Bella!" my mother's voice was full of panic despite her own pain and weakness.
I tried to scream again but I felt his free hand wrap around my throat. I choked and spluttered, trying to breathe. Spots flew across my vision, and they were the only visible thing to me. I felt like I was turning numb. The only parts of my body that I could feel were my burning lungs and strangled throat.
Then the pressure disappeared. I was gasping for air desperately, trying to fill my lungs with the air they so urgently needed. My efforts were in vain when my breath left me as I felt the panic flood me once more. I could feel his hands at the button of my jeans. I brought my fists down, hoping to injure him in any way I could. He hissed in pain as my fists came in contact with what felt like his head but I still could not move. A second after I hit him, my hands were pinned above my head again.
I tried to scream, to call out, to make any kind of noise but could not. I heard someone calling my name but I could not pull myself away. I felt tears fall from my eyes as I tried to move, tried to do anything at all. Despair filled me. I would never get away. This was going to happen. I sobbed silently as I realized there was nothing I could do, that I was completely and utterly helpless.
Alice
I was happy. Beyond happy. I was ecstatic. Bella finally seemed to be ready to move on, if only just a little. She was finally taking a chance, making a physical effort to be herself again. For the past ten months, Bella had not left the apartment or seen anyone other than Rosalie, her therapist Rebecca, or me.
It still infuriated me, thinking of what happened to my friend. How could someone do that to Bella? Kind, sweet, selfless, loving Bella? She was the closest friend I had; she was the closest thing I had to a sister. After I got the call from the police, after they found Bella, I had wanted to hunt down whoever did that to her and kill him. She had been found by a family friend who had come to check on the Swans; they hadn't been answering their phone. They found her in the basement, hands tied together and bound to a shelf. All the light was blocked and her parents lay dead mere feet from her. The man had hurt her so badly and had just left her there. From what the police could tell, she had been left there for nearly a day. When I finally got to the hospital and saw her I was afraid that she was beyond repair. She had looked so broken, so vulnerable. I had never seen Bella like that before. It still pained me to think of it.
Now she was making a substantial effort to get better.
I knew that this would be good for her. I knew that Edward would be good for her and that Bella would be good for Edward. They were both so lost, hurting so much. I wanted to help them any way I could. If anyone could help Bella, it was Edward. My brother was one of the kindest souls I have ever met. I just knew that he would be able to help Bella. Seeing someone else hurting as much as he, even more so, would make him forget about Catherine, at least for a little while. I knew that this would be good for both of them. I just knew it.
Feeling optimistic, I dialed Edward's number. "Hello?"
"Hello, Edward!" I sang happily.
"Hello, Alice." he chuckled. I smiled. It had been too long since I had spoken to Edward. "Did you speak to your friend?"
"Yes, I did. She said it was okay if you came." I said. Before he could say anything, I continued. "Edward, if you are going to come, you'll have to be careful. Bella's going through a lot right now. Last Christmas while she was visiting her parents there was a home invasion. The man killed her parents, raped her, and left her for dead. She's... for lack of better words, she is a complete and utter mess. You'll have to keep your distance and speak quietly. She can't speak, either; he damaged her vocal chords when he nearly strangled her. She... She's not herself anymore, Edward. I want to help her any way I can and I just... I know that you can help her. I know that if she was able to be in a male's presence for an extended period of time, it would boost her self-confidence and she would be able to move on more easily. I really think you can help her, Edward. Just... please be careful with her. She's my best friend. She's like my sister. I love her as much as I love you, Edward, and I wouldn't let you come if I didn't think it was best for Bella."
I needed him to understand. I needed him to know what coming here would mean.
"I understand, Alice." Edward told me in his subdued voice. "Do you really think I can help her? I don't even know her. I can barely help myself."
I sighed. It hurt me to hear my little brother in so much pain. "I know, Edward. I also know that if anyone can help her it's you and I think she'll be able to help you too." I was about to continue when I heard a loud thump. "Shit! Edward, I've got to go! I'll call you back later!" I hung up and rushed to Bella's room to see her struggling in her blankets on the floor. I flicked the light switch off and on a few times, knowing this was the easiest way to wake Bella. I could see that she was starting to come out of it, but I moved beside her and said her name softly to move the process along more quickly.
Suddenly, she shot upwards, her eyes wide and her mouth open in a silent scream. She was breathing heavily and her brown eyes were flitting around the room fearfully. She pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and hiding her face from me. I tried to soothe her, but could tell that it was not working well.
"It's okay, Bella. You're safe. No one's going to hurt you." It took a while, but soon it looked to me as if she had some control. "Are you okay?" I asked quietly. She swallowed loudly and nodded as she reached for her notebook.
"I'm fine,"she wrote simply. "I'm going to make some tea."
I nodded, following her to the kitchen. I waited until she had put the teapot on the stove and sat at the counter. "I talked to my brother, Bella. He's willing to come and keep his distance. He understands what him coming here will mean and still wants to come." I paused and looked her in the eye. "He'll understand if you can't do this right now, Bella. I don't want you to agree because you think you have to. I don't want to hurt you."
I could see the conflict in Bella's eyes. I knew that she was afraid. She didn't want to have to start over again. She didn't want to only be able to sleep three hours a night or have to see her therapist nearly everyday of the week again. Yet, she also wanted to move forward. She wanted to get better. She wanted to be able to go out in public again. I couldn't tell which Bella would choose, however. I wasn't sure if her self-preservation would overpower her desire to heal.
After a few long minutes, Bella picked up her pen and wrote her answer. "He can still come, Alice. I'll be okay as long as you told him to keep his distance and speak quietly."
"I did, Bella. He'll be good, I promise." I couldn't help but feel hopeful when Bella's lips quirked upwards. It was the closest thing I had seen to a smile in far, far too long.
A/N: Okay, so here is Chapter One! I hope you enjoyed it despite it's shortness! Constructive criticism welcome! YOu can give unconstructive criticism too, but more likely than not it will be ignored.
