This is an updated Chapter. Changes in bottom half. See notes at the end. ~ D.A.
I Fight Myself
NGE Fanfic
By Devaro Ayanami
I jerk the butterfly handles back and my Eva leaps back from the Prog knife strike of my opponent. I land and my Eva reaches it's right hand up to it's left shoulder, and I draw my Prog knife from it's pylon. We stand facing each other for a moment, and I think about how I got in this situation.
The Pilot had challenged me to a duel, to avenge the death of his older sister who fought me several weeks ago when her government tried to destroy NERV. I agreed over the objections of my Commander, but I had a condition: that he involved no one else, not his government, not mine, and no other Pilots. This would be a one-on-one.
I dodge to the left and swing down with my Prog knife into his Eva's right arm, slashing it open, and sending a splash of it's blood over my Eva's right hand. He jerks back, clutching his arm to his chest. I can imagine what he's feeling, like his own arm has just been sliced open.
I side step farther to my left, and drive a stab at his upper arm. He ducks and drives a stab into my Eva's gut, and suddenly it's like my own stomach is on fire.
I scream.
I've felt pain like this before in Eva, but this time is different. As I hear Command yelling something about synch-filters, I realize I must have a very high synch-ratio right now. I already know the filters won't help much. Not all of Eva is electronic, you can't fully dull or block the pain of one mind from reaching another with just machines.
I step back, pulling off of his knife, and slash down with mine, aiming for his right shoulder. He jerks his knife up, catching mine, then punches me with his left hand.
I would scream again, as this hit lands on the wound from the first, but the blow seemed to drive the air from my lungs.
My Eva doubles over, and his knife slides past mine to stab me in the neck. I choke on the LCL for a moment as the pain registers, then I swing my knife around and land a slash to his left shoulder.
For the first time, I here him scream. I realize he must have just opened his comm channel to speak, but I interrupted him when I slashed his shoulder.
He screams again, but this time it's a word, not a sound of pain, though pain is present. It's a cry of sorrow and pain.
"SIS!!!!!!" He cries, and pulls his knife from my neck and then drives it into my chest.
I choke and gasp, as I suddenly find myself unable to breath. Again I here Command yelling, this time about my plugsuit's life-support functions. I stop listening to them.
"You killed her!!!" He yells, and stabs me in the chest again. I fall to my knees and collapse backwards.
"Yes..." I gasp to him over the open comm.
"WHY!?! Why did you kill her?!?" He yells, stabbing me again. Doctor Ayanami isn't gonna be happy about the damage...
I don't answer, I can't really breath right now.
"Why...?" He gasps as he breaks down crying, leaning over my Eva, his knife in it's chest.
"Because...because if I didn't..." I gasp back, fighting to both regain my breath and speak, "If I didn't, she would have killed everyone I care about. Instead of one dying, it would have been dozens."
"That's no excuse!!!" He screams, and jerks the knife from my chest, tossing it aside, and slams his fists on my Eva's chest, pounding on me in time to his cries.
"Why couldn't you just disable her?!? Why did she have to die!?! Why couldn't you save her?!?" He cries, each question punctuated with a double-fisted slam to my chest.
It's getting hard to breath again, but I fight to answer him anyways.
"I did, but her Eva reactivated." I gasp out, speaking the only thing I can: the truth, "I tried to disable her again...but her synch ratio was so high that...no matter what I could have done...the feed-back was killing her...We got med teams to her...but by then it was too late."
I pause as I realize he had stopped pounding on my Eva while I was speaking. I continue, more to myself than him.
"It's the Evas, the d___ Evas. They put us in them, knowing we might die. But no one else can take our place. So they do everything they can to make sure we come home...but sometimes...it's not enough...sometimes we die, and nothing can change that when it happens...We can only hope and pray it doesn't happen again..."
He appears in the comm window, which before had simply shown 'SOUND ONLY'. I can see the tears hanging in the corners of his eye before they dissolve in the LCL. Before he speaks, my pain-hazed mind points out to me his missing his left eye. His remaining eye holds me in place, looking like what I see in the mirror. Sad, determined, kind, and one thing I haven't seen in my own eyes: Lost. He looks lost, like he doesn't know where to go or what to do.
"It doesn't matter...I thought…they said...I'd feel better for killing the one who killed her...but I just feel horrible inside, and I haven't even killed you...but I know that if I did, I'd only feel worse."
He looks down, holding back his tears.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I...I just want to go home...but I've failed, they won't want me back..."
Lost.
"We'll take you." I blurt out, then open a window to Command, "Rei...? We'll take him in, right?" I almost plead.
My Commander, Rei Ayanami, looks at me impassively with her red eyes. She glances up slightly, looking past me at the other comm window showing the other pilot. After a few moments, she speaks in her typical monotone.
"Yes, Kaji-kun, he can stay here. It is the least we can offer."
She turns to the side, and I hear her order med teams to our location and begin arguing with the Sub-Commander as I sluggishly and painfully move my Eva onto its hands and knees. I feel my link with Unit-07 slip from my mind as it shuts down, and my breathing becomes easier though my throat is sore. I must have been screaming more than I thought I think, as the entry plug reverts to it's normal brass color, the only colors braking it up being the grey and blue of my plugsuit, and the comm windows.
"...Thank you...I...I'm so sorry..." the other pilot says.
I look at him, taking in his features. He looks a lot like me: Short messy black hair, a brown eye, young face, a slightly rounded chin. Even his plugsuit is a similar color. And his eye… For a moment, I thought is was red, but maybe it was just my imagination.
"Pilot Alex..." Rei says, drawing my eyes back to her window with her suddenly tender voice, "I will see you soon."
"Okay..." I say, a whisper that echoes oddly in the entry plug, and the comm windows close.
After a few minutes, I hear the med team climbing my Eva and I eject the plug. As the LCL drains, I lean over the side of the command chair and cough a few times, letting out the LCL in my lungs and watching it evaporate in to warm air here on the surface. My chest and neck ache.
As the med team carefully lifts me up and places me on a gurney, I look past my Eva's shoulder pylon to the other Evangelion, and see another med team getting its pilot out.
I smile, and I think: I'm glad that this time...I didn't have to kill myself.
As I begin to pass out, I feel Rei's gentle mind whisper to mine: No, you did not. I feel her smile as she says: You know what Ikari-kun knew, that when you fight and kill other humans, you are killing a part of yourself each time. Sleep well, little Kaji-kun .
And then, I slept, a content smile on my face.
AN: Ok, I'm reposting this chapter with a few changes, though not many, hopefully to make it flow a little better with what I wrote afterwards. I've got started on another chapter, and I may end-up making a full story out of this. This chapter is really just a teaser and my first chapter of fan fiction (ever) so I'll leave it up for those who might be curious. Don't judge the story just with this one chapter. R&R please. ~ Devaro A.
