One big promise
I paced, my nerves on edge. I felt him appear behind me, and I turned towards him, trying to strengthen my resolve as I looked into those beautiful golden eyes. He reached for me, and I took a step back. I could see the pain I felt reflected in his eyes.
"Jaz? Please tell me what's wrong?" He looked around our condo, then back at me. "Where are the kids? What the hell is going on?"
"Gabriel, for once, I am going to talk and you are going to listen." His eyes widened but he stayed silent. "The kids are with my parents, I needed a chance to talk to you without them here." I could feel my chest tighten, my pain, his pain, like riding a knife edge.
He stepped closer and this time I stood my ground, his fingers tilting up my chin, our eyes locking. He swallowed hard. "You're thinking about leaving, aren't you." It was more a statement than a question, and I nodded.
I fought back tears as I spoke. "Gabriel, I love you more than anything, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. It isn't fair to the kids." I took a deep breath. "I shouldn't have to make excuses for why their father is barely around anymore. I shouldn't have to tell my 4 year old daughter that it isn't her fault that her daddy isn't here, or have to reassure my 2 year old son that his father really does love him."
Gabriel looked like I'd just punched him in the gut. He took a ragged breath and sat on the sofa in front of me, putting his face in his hands. Everything in me wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him it was ok, but I couldn't.
He looked up at me, his eyes grief stricken. "Jaz, I don't know… please tell me what I need to do to fix this. I can't lose the kids." He stood up and grabbed my hand. "And I don't know what I would do if I lost you. Please… baby please just tell me how to make this right." He looked so lost and afraid and my heart twinged.
I gently squeezed his hand, thought about letting it go but didn't. "Gabriel, I know that with everything going on right now, I mean I understand that your brothers and sisters need you. But we need you to. You have to find a balance, somehow." I stepped closer and leaned into him sliding my arm around his waist. "You know how much I love you, I just…" I felt the tears start, and his arm slid around me, his face pressing into my hair. "Gabriel please just come back to us, it feels like even when you're here you're not really here. I don't want to do this alone." I shifted so I could look up at him, our faces inches apart. His lashes were spiked with unshed tears, his body trembling against mine.
"I'm going to fix this, Jasmine I swear I will." His lips brushed my forehead. "You and the kids are my every good thing. Please promise you'll stay, tell me how I can make this up to you, baby I'll do anything, just, please just don't leave me."
I felt like I was dying inside, my heart torn. "I can't promise that." He looked stricken, and I gently cupped his face. "Gabe, listen to me. I can't promise that yet. Prove to me that you mean what you say, be the kind of father your kids need." He nodded, and I leaned in and brushed my lips against his. "I need you to be the man I fell in love with."
He crushed me to him, his mouth grazing mine, fingers tangling into my hair. "Anything baby, I swear to my father, I'll do anything."
