(I looked through the first chapters after I'd published the last one, and I thought that it was just too embarrassing to be left untouched. I've tried to edit it as good as I'm able to, but I'm still not fully satisfied with the first chapters)
Author's note:
Please take your time to review – I'd love to hear what you think. And please tell me if something is different from the book!
Disclaimer: I do not own the twilight saga.
The velvet black waves were rolling under me with an unmerciful sound. They looked enormous, even though I was standing several feet above. The dark water looked cold and abandoned, as though I was an uninvited guest. The waves were terribly unfamiliar, but I didn't care. Nothing could make me change my opinion on that point. I was just seconds away from hearing his velvet voice. Everything was worth that. I needed to hear him inside my head. For a few precious moments, I would pretend as though he cared about me, as though he wanted me.
I took a deep breath, and prepared for the final jump. But the hesitation hit me as my foot touched the hillside. It had been a mistake to look down – the water was so far beneath that it terrified me. To the best of my abilities, I tried to not think about the fall. I tried to focus on the fact that he was so close.
But just as I was going to take the last step off the cliff, someone grabbed my wrist from behind. I reluctantly turned around.
"Bella! I told you, we'll go cliff diving some other day! What were you thinking? A storm's coming up!" Jacob sounded angry, but in his voice was still something gentle, like velvet.
I opened my mouth to reply, but he put one finger on top of my lips. "Don't you see?" he pointed his fingers towards the black water beneath us. "This is no good weather for cliff diving. And did you have to jump from the top?" His voice turned very gentle in the last sentence and a small smile appeared on his lips.
His presence surprised me; I hadn't expected to be found.
"How did you find me?" I wondered.
"You weren't at the house anymore," he explained. "I guessed that you would go here, it seemed like you."
And then, a thing I hadn't thought about before struck me. "But, but…" I started. "Victoria." The four syllables made me shudder.
He hesitated. "I know, Bells." He paused. "She… We lost her." His voice tuned out, but then he quickly continued. "I'm so sorry Bella, next time we'll get her. I promise."
I nodded, but inside the fear was a fact. She could be anywhere by now, near my dearest and beloved, threatening to tear them apart. Would I always live with the constant terror of that she one day would get to me, in a way or another? At least one person was saved from Victoria's rage – at least that was something. He wasn't threatened from Victoria's rage…
"But Bella, did you have to jump now?" There was humor in his voice now, but I didn't think it was funny, since the second realization now hit me. I wouldn't hear Edward; I wouldn't have my hallucinations, because Jacob had stopped me.
An expected rage filled me, but it was hard to be angry with such a lovely and caring person as Jake next to me. But I still couldn't help the feeling that came rushing inside me. Edward. Every time I thought his name, the aching hole in my chest threatened with sucking my entire body up. It got hard to breath, but I managed to in- and exhale. I wasn't angry with Jacob, I was mad at myself for not jumping earlier. If I'd had, I would've heard his velvet voice by now. The thought made the hole grow. If I had jumped a little earlier, we would be united now.
He saw that I changed in a way – he saw how my gaze turned dark, how my hands became fists and how the knuckles went white, and also how my eyes turned shiny.
"B – Bella," he started. "Bella, what's wrong? Did I – Did I do something? I'm sorry Bella I…" He seemed so anxious, and it hurt to know that I was the one making him like that. It felt as if everything hurt.
I looked up at his face, and he must've been surprised to see the angry look that embellished my face. But then the tears came, those damn tears. They rushed down my blushing cheeks, and Jacob embraced me. He whispered calming words in my ears, and the warmth from his body was pleasant. But I noticed confusion in his voice, and I couldn't blame him from being baffled.
I cried silently against his shoulder, I almost didn't reach up because he had become so tall.
After minutes, or maybe more, he asked me:
"Bella, why are you crying?"
And I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth, even though I'd told Jacob everything. It was embarrassing, I didn't want to admit that I risked my life to hear Edward, and it hurt much to talk about Edward when Jacob was present.
Instead, I just quickly wiped my face and muttered something about the wind blowing into my eyes. I knew he wouldn't believe me, since I was such a bad liar, but it was worth a try.
Jacob, of course, saw through me. "Bella," he started suspiciously, "What's wrong?"
I felt guilty for not telling Jacob, but I didn't want too. It was too private. Nobody but me knew how I'd heard Edward's voice the recent weeks.
Jacob seemed okay with that I didn't want to tell him. He just nodded. It was a huge relief. I didn't know how I'd done if he hadn't calmly accepted my request to ask. I was very grateful, he was being so understanding.
"Did you really have to jump from the top?" Jacob asked me with a laugh.
I blushed. "I wanted to…"
He laughed again. "It's good you're the same old Bella." But then the humor in his voice turned serious. "Bella, I – I know that it's still him… But… I still want to try." His hair blew in the storm, and he put his hands on my shoulders.
At first, I didn't see what was happening. But when he slowly and carefully leaned against me, I saw what was going to happen. And I also realized that I wanted it too – I wanted Jacob to kiss me. I wanted to know how it felt to have his soft lips on mine, the warmth was so inviting – I was cold.
At first his lips just brushed gently across mine, but then they saw their real target. His lips were warm and soft, just as I'd imagined. It was nice with a different kind of kiss, I was so used to it being cold lips pressed against mine.
His hands lifted from my shoulders, and found their place in my hair. I let my arms caress his neck, his warmth were just the right temperature for it not being too cold for me since the storm threatened if I would leave his arms.
Too late, I realized that what I was doing was stupid and mean. I wasn't in love with Jacob – my real love wasn't present. I would hurt Jacob, badly, if it continued, because I didn't love him. I loved him as a brother, I wasn't in love with him, because I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him, and that would never change.
I quickly pulled away, and the look on Jacob's face set an incredible pain free inside of me.
I took one step back, and immediately, the unmerciful storm grabbed me. The wind was so cold and strong, and I begun to freeze.
"Why?" he wondered in a hurt tone. "Bella, give me a chance, I know I can make you forget him."
I sighed. "No you can't Jacob, no one can." No one would ever make me forget him, no one.
"Bella – Bella, I love…" But I interrupted him quickly.
"Don't say it! Don't!" The voice I used was full of sadness, like almost everything else in the entire world.
"But I do Bella! I do!" he almost yelled. "Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you! I'm soon out of pieces," he added with a laugh, but there was nothing funny in the way he laughed.
My mouth opened, but I didn't have anything to say. I just wanted Jacob as a friend, none of his love explanations, and I hated the fact that it was impossible. Jacob would always want more, and it hurt to know that I never could give him that. I'd given my heart to someone else.
"He has left Bella! He won't come back, I think he's showed that quite clearly."
The pain that appeared after his words was greater than any pain I'd ever felt. And the worst part was that I knew he was true.
Without my permission, more tears found their way down my cheeks.
Edward was gone and he wouldn't come back. Just the thought made it impossible to breath. I started to sob, and too loudly.
"It can't hurt to hope," I whispered, and then it all burst out. A million more tears started to stream.
Jacob was stunned, he opened his mouth, and then he threw his big arms around me for the second time. I noticed it in the way he was stroking my back soothingly, he did care.
This time, I didn't care about that Jacob might take advantage of the situation. I was so hurt. But the worst part was that the words had come from Jacob, and because of that, it felt like a betrayal.
He mumbled that he was sorry in my hair, but I almost didn't hear it thanks to my loud sobs. Jacob's voice was full of grief, and I hated to hear him like that.
Why was everything so miserable? I couldn't remember one really happy moment that had happened the last couple of months, if I didn't count with some of Jacob's and my meetings.
I didn't think I'd cried as much at the same time as I did then, my cheeks weren't big enough to collect all the tears; it was a river down my face. And I couldn't do anything about it either, because I missed him so much. He was in my head all the time, and it hurt so much, it was an indescribable pain. My body ached to be in his arms, and when Jacob was holding me it reminded me of his embrace, the embrace that made me complete.
Surprisingly, the tears came to an end. I didn't want to look into a mirror, afraid of what I might find there. It hurt to blink because my eyes were so swollen.
"I'm here Bella," Jacob whispered. But he wasn't there, my only wish. "Do you want to get away from here? Isn't it a bit cold for you?" he asked, using the same gentle voice as before. I was grateful for his kindness.
I nodded silently, and let him put his arm around my shoulder. He was warm, and it felt nice. He softly kissed my forehead, and I let him. I couldn't find the strength to say no.
"Do you want to go to Emily's?" he whispered. I shook my head in reply. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
I nodded, I wanted to be at home. I could handle Charlie as long as I was able to crawl under the covers of my warm bed.
He let go of me, and took my hand instead, as we went to his car. It felt better in a strange way.
I knew what it would have looked like to people who saw us, a happy couple going on a walk. But they didn't know the reminders of the tears in my face – the red swollen features – and that I was desperately in love with another person than the boy who was holding my hand.
The drive home was silent, and I was satisfied with it. I was exhausted, and I didn't have the energy to talk. The tension was different between us, now that Jacob knew that my heart still belonged to him. I felt sorry for him, because I could never give him what he wanted. If he hadn't entered my life in the first place, I might have loved Jake, but that wasn't the case. My heart would always belong to him, and nobody else. It was futile to hope anything different.
Would I ever love anybody but him? I thought to myself. Would I grieve his abandonation for the rest of my life? I shuddered at the thought – I couldn't imagine a life without him. In a way, I was still hoping that he would return. That he still loved me, that he still wanted me.
I slowly realized that what I'd been trying to avoid was beginning to reach me. I was thinking about him all the time, just what I'd been trying to stay away from. I didn't care about the hopeless pain that filled me each time his name reached my thoughts, because the only person I wanted to think about was him. Ed… I stopped myself instantly. Everything but his name, everything but that…
When I returned home, Charlie was situated in front of the TV.
"Hi, Bells," he greeted me with as I closed the door after me.
"Hi," I mumbled half-heartedly.
"How was Jake?" he asked me as I wiped the last tears away from my face.
"Good," I answered.
"You didn't meet Billy did ya?" He turned his face from the TV to meet my gaze.
"No." I looked down at the floor, I didn't want him to see me swollen face. I didn't want the unnecessary questions. I just wanted to cry and grieve in my room.
"'Key. Hey, were you planning on doing dinner? I was thinking about ordering pizza…"
I sighed in relief. "Pizza's good." I wouldn't have to cook, that was good. Cooking, I really wasn't in mood for doing such a thing.
"I'll call then." He said to himself as I went to my room.
I entered my room, and it was just as I left it. A pile of dirty clothes rested on the floor, and took up almost the entire floor area.
With a sigh I went to the bed and lay down, closing my eyes. The events had been so painful that it was hard to mark it in words. Everything had reminded me of his abandonation. All I wanted was to have his voice in my head, to hear his rage, to really believe that he cared about me, that he cared if I stayed alive or not. It hurt to know that he didn't care about me anymore, and that he never would.
I looked through the memories that I had of him in my mind, again and again, as I lay on the bed. Deep down, I knew that it would only hurt more. I knew that it was best to not even picture him in my mind, it was better that way – it would hurt less.
But at that moment, nothing mattered anymore. I didn't care about the boundaries I had created so that the pain would be more bearable. The future was another problem that I didn't have the strength to think about today.
Charlie and I had dinner in silence. I think that he must have noticed that something was wrong with me. Of course, I'd been silent and unhappy a lot the past months, but it had been a long time since that. Since Jake and I had started to hang out, I had started to talk during the meals. And I knew that he had seen me smile at least once. If he saw something, he didn't comment it.
I ate my pizza slowly – it got cold before I'd even finished a quarter. But I wasn't hungry. I offered Charlie the rest of my pizza, and he gladly accepted.
After dinner, I watched TV with him for a while. My eyes were on the screen, but not my mind. I was going through the day's happenings into my head.
I went up to my room early, and told Charlie goodnight, I was planning on going to bed early. He didn't object, he nodded and then turned his eyes to the TV-screen. An important game probably aired – when we watched together he'd cried of joy and booed at the referee's judgments.
The walk to my room seemed longer than it was, maybe because I was tired. Crying could be exhausting, and in my case it had been.
Before I opened the door to my room, I felt the presence of someone. It was unfamiliar to me, who could be in my room? Charlie was downstairs watching TV, it couldn't be him. I could here the TV from where I was. Before I had the chance to get afraid, I opened the door slowly.
I had been right, there was a person in my room, but it was dark. I could only see the figure of a man standing beside my bed. His hands rested relaxed down his side, but they still seemed stiff somehow. He was staring down at the floor, but when I entered, he looked up.
