Being the victim is easier to me than other's may think. I don't enjoy anything about it, of course, but find it tolerable; at least after it is over. I see myself as the king of repression; having been repressing hatred, distaste and anger for my /entire/ life. To a point where I managed to create a totally different person borne of my repressions; born of hatred, born of anger, and born of the absence of love. Such strength in my character was built upon not letting horrid things bother me, and of course Bakura was no exception. It made sense to me how I act around people. They think I'm just this happy person, and that is indeed the person I want to be. I don't /want/ to even be one who has to repress these things, but I do; I hide it so well, people mistake me for an innocent, and that makes me happy. I would rather be ignorant to these horrid things, and be naive, than have the knowledge I do about life. But I've gotten so good at it that I can go days pretending to be the innocent child-like being I am.
It's not just pretending either; When I forget things, when I force smiles, I actually /FEEL/ happy, and do not want to feel anything else. Though when I do, all which heals me is smiling, and thinking of all the good things. Bakura says I made no sense; says that I am confusing, that I should hate him. But, even if I wasn't all smiles, I wouldn't hate him. I /understand/ in a way who he is. He is confused, he hates everyone; he's created walls and when I confuse him, he lashes out, becomes frustrated and angry, and acts that way; but I have the feeling if I don't mentally put up with it, nobody will; I feel like I'm the only one who can take such pain, and repress it, smiling as soon as the pain stops. I have the feeling that Bakura needs me; and it wasn't until recently, I discovered that I needed him too. Bakura needs someone to love him, even though he doesn't admit it, doesn't feel the need for it; I can tell, he needs someone close, someone who can put up with his persona.
Perhaps I /do/ love him.. I've never felt such comfort around someone; certainly there is fake comfort. There are hugs from my friends, there are comforting words from others; but Bakura is different. Because I know when I get to hug him, and when I'm allowed to hold him close, that he cares about me, instead of my other friends, who can simply hug anyone, and I'm uncertain how much they care about /me/ over.
I have scars over my body as it is, and they represented to /me/ at least that I didn't belong to myself. My body belonged to the dead pharaoh, My body wasn't for my own life... and now with the freedom I've gained, the supposed disappearance of my Yami, I felt it belonged to me again, and I could go days forgetting that I even had marks all over my back. Though the feelings of freedom didn't last long. Now I belong to Bakura; the marks all over my front and moreso prove that I'm not my own person anymore. But this doesn't seem to bother me as much as the scars on my back; the markings mean nothing to me; but when Bakura marks me, I can mentally.. somehow sense love from that. The marks themselves are painful, but their from someone who I care about.. I don't know why yet, but I know I care, I know I love him, and because of that, it is even /EASIER/ to put up with the pain he gives me. It's what I call, loving someone unconditionally, and when Bakura tells me that he hates me, I hear hatred, but I feel love, and that just makes me smile every time he says it.
