Author's Note: I needed to redo this, so here it is. An edited update, with a different ending…. I think this might work better? I don't know.

Disclaimer: Don't own the Ra'zac, dragon riders, and other odd characters that appear.


Life is only a long and bitter suicide, and faith alone can transform this suicide into a sacrifice.

-Franz Liszt

The Game

The sun was an orange sliver upon the horizon, and Gundrea watched its sinking with apprehensive silence as the wind buffeted her face.

Torreya banked. The Dragon's leathery dawn grey wing skimmed the edge of a cloud as Gundrea huddled into the spine in front of her as if it might shield her from the air. The Dragon Rider had no such luck as the cold air cut through her clothes and nipped at her skin.

It would be foolish to land here. Torreya's voice slid into her mind like silk. The human's answer was to try and bury her face in her shirt.

I know.

The dragon gave her rider's mind a gentle nudge of reassurance. They weren't in a hurry, but getting as close to Teirm as possible was a good idea. Already, miles away from the mountains, she could sense the anger of the Lethrblaka as they begin to stir. And she could feel the eyes glaring at her from whatever crags and caves hid the nightly hunters. They weren't allies. They never had been, and ever Humans and Dragons had been at odds with them for different reasons. But only in more recent history had Dragons and Humans created a united front against them.

And there was some bad blood between Humans and Dragons too. But if anyone cared to go back far enough in history, it became an entangled web of everybody hating everybody-

There's only the present and what we choose to do with it… Gundrea's voice trailed off as she threw up a few fragmented images of a memory that she normally kept buried in the darkest recesses of her mind. Some things were better left unsaid and in this case some things were only better when they were buried and entombed more than six feet under. But even then it hung over them like a cloud; an unbreakable chain riveting them to the past and an unspoken truth neither had ever openly admitted.

Torreya hummed. The note vibrating across her back and resonating hollowly before the sound was lost in the wind. It wasn't a happy or particularly musical note: it was contemplative at best and melancholy at worst. Always, the noise meant the Dragon was thinking more than she was saying, and normally it was something unpleasant. Gundrea was far too sensitive for her own good- too fragile. And the words passed harmlessly behind the walls of her own mind:

sometimes we don't have the choice….

Gundrea's optimism was either a front to hide her own melancholy pessimism, or something more genuine and frighteningly manic. It was better in both cases that Torreya did as little as possible to cause her rider doubt. The results of doing so were far from pleasant.

Yes, that's right, Torreya smiled, the past is past, and future can only harm us if we worry about it.

Gundrea smiled too. It soon died as rider's teeth took to chattering once more. She hated the cold. But high up over the mountains it was always cold. Bitterly so most of the time, and utterly abysmal during winter.

The Spine was only nice in summer, after all the springtime slush had disappeared, and then the mountains were only nice to look at-

-from a hundred miles away.

The Dragon Rider snorted. You don't need to go that far.

Rider and Dragon fell quiet for a time as the sky continued to darken.

Night comes quick to this country. Spent so much time spent in the south and on the island I'd nearly forgotten….

That's not good Gundrea. It's important to remember details like that. You're lucky I bothered to remember for you, and looking at the maps through your eyes, made plans to stop at what appeared to be fairly sheltered and secluded areas. You're welcome.

A sheepish grin spread across Gundrea's face, as her mix of amusement and shame rose in her mind. Sorry.

Right. The dragon's voice was perfectly flat.

Thank you.

I already said 'you're welcome.'

Warmth and a sense of comradery flowed between them.

Gundrea hunkered down as the sun's last warm rays faded into the gloom. Grey-blue like the night around her, Torreya would have been hard to spot, even to the eyes of those who knew her. And as the dragon steadily climbed higher that task would have become nearly impossible.

They had planned this on purpose. It was crucial time spent invisible, crossing over hostile territory that could have made the difference between life and death. Admittedly, most Lethrblaka would only just be waking, and theoretically groggy enough to not notice or give little heed to the Dragon and her Rider.

It was theory really. And Gundrea scanned the dark crags and silent forests below, chewing her lip and worrying. Nothing seemed to move, but that meant little. And not for the first time that evening, she felt she was being watched.

Shivering with something other than cold she fisted her hands together, relaxing only when Torreya gave her a soft mental nudge. Like a lifeline Gundrea clung to that feeling, pushing everything else aside. It was warm feeling. It couldn't keep her from worrying, but it did keep her from growing paranoid.

If fear was dangerous then Paranoia was a death sentence. And Torreya was always calm and collected, until Gundrea's own fears and doubts started chafing at the Dragon's mind. Somethings the Rider couldn't face. But even still she needed to keep herself calm. It was for both their benefits.

Still somethings were easier said than done.

I think you ought to task the Golden Flower about his breathing exercises. He's easily prone to stress as you are.

Gundrea silently nodded. Just thinking about the golden haired elf was enough to ease some of her doubt.

Stars winked across the ebony sky. They were beautiful, and Gundrea felt that she could have caught them if she'd simply reached out her hand. Humans believe they windows into worlds beyond, while elven scholars in the east were beginning to explore other possibilities.

She didn't reach out her hand. She didn't try to remove one from the sky. They were perfectly placed right where they were.

Like a patch of stars descended to earth, Teirm appeared as a constellation in the distance. Like and arrow Torreya shot toward the night covered city. The stars became torches and lit windows, as the Dragon silently passed overhead. Ships moored to the docks of the massive harbor bobbed lightly.

The tiny waves on the ocean's surface glimmered with gossamer threads of moonlight, and Gundrea closed her eyes, taking in the smell of salty water, the sounds of creaking rigging, and the rush of wind as Torreya dove toward the beach and its massive dunes.

Sand scattered as the dragon landed. Her sharp talons leaving gashes in the soft earth.

Wordlessly, Torreya's rider slipped from her saddle and began undoing all the various straps and buckles until it was pulled from the dragon's shoulders and dumped in the sand a short distance away.

How uncomfortable is that thing?

It depends on the amount of sand you get in your pants, Torreya grinned.

Wha-oh. Gundrea snorted in amusement as she dropped the heavy bag on her back into the sand. Torreya laughed and a few puffs of smoke escaped her nostrils as she watched her rider rummage through her belongings.

'It's only an irritation when first put on, and then I hardly notice. I'd endure far greater discomfort if it meant we could fly together. Torreya laid down where she was, surveying Gundrea's movements with smiling icy eyes. You owe me some discomfort in any case.

Oh do I? Gundrea joking asked. Her face was lit with a smile reminiscent of innocent summer days. Torreya snuggled into the warmth of her Rider's mind.

Once I was a Human Rider-

The greatest rider of humans to ever live, Gundrea admonished, as she laid her cloak out upon the sand. She sat down with an apple and a canteen of water.

Torreya purred, reliving good warm days, when she and Gundrea had to walk long distances to get anywhere. She'd crawl her way into her Rider's shirt, slithering up her back, until her head was resting comfortably on the Human's shoulder.

Gundrea's shirt had been a warm place, filled with the comforting sound of her rider's steady breathing and strong heartbeat.

But nothing was ever said of the furrows and scratches she left in Gundrea's skin. Never once had her rider complained, even when it had hurt. Torreya knew it had hurt, because she'd felt the pricks and stings from across their mental link. But always Gundrea smiled, waving away any and all apologies Torreya tried to make.

So Torreya would seek the comfort of her Human's shirt promising not to be an uncomfortable burden the next time around, but Gundrea would only shrug always willing to serve as her mount once more. And they'd walk laughing in the faces of broken promises.

Things were different then. They'd both had been younger, foolhardier, and happier.

When Torreya had grown too big for the shirt, she'd drape herself over Gundrea's shoulder like a scarf- a heavy and itchy scarf, prone to billowing smoke from time to time.

And now Gundrea sat rigidly hunched over a forgotten apple, staring far off into the distance, no longer smiling. Her teeth embedded into her lip, a faint trickle of red dribbling from the corner of her mouth.

Slowly, carefully, Torreya's tail snaked about, its very tip grazing Gundrea's cheek. The Rider flinched, dropping the canteen. Wide eyed the Human stared at her uncertainly.

You worry far too much. Torreya gently nudged her friend's shoulder. Far too much-

I don't want to go back. I don't want to sit in some musty tower listening to hypocritical proclamations of peace, when there are people in this world who have truly never known peace. I don't want to be secluded, I don't want to sit around growing dusty like a book, wondering if I'll ever be useful to anybody. I can't live like that. I won't live like that. I don't want to-to-to-

Gundrea's hands clenched her knees, digging into the fabric of her pants. I don't want to be angry. The dragon's touch became more forceful. She was half tempted to give her rider a vicious mental slap. Anger was such a natural thing. Everyone got angry. It was the way people worked. They got upset, they vented, they moved on. It was healthy.

It hurts.

Torreya growled while on the inside she sighed. Once again she threw up a thin barrier between them to keep her own thoughts secret.

Because you hold everything and let nothing go. Not Sorrow, not anger, not even joy. And you feel too deeply to treat yourself so horribly.

The sand shifted as Torreya moved, bumping Gundrea's head with her chin. If it hurts then choose carefully what you care for and make the pain worth feeling.

Gundrea nodded. I'll try.

A faint smile, lifted Torreya's jowls as she moved back and settled into her spot once more.

They always played this game. Gundrea would say 'yes' and then when the moment came she'd do the very opposite. She would never ever try to let anything go. And so Torreya would just repeat herself, knowing nothing would change while she kept pretending that she was separate from her rider's pain. It was a game. That's all it was.


I decided a while ago, that this story needed some TLC, which is why the chapter has been severely altered. Ellonia's name has been changed to Gundrea. It's nowhere near as nice sounding, but that's the point. My OC rider is Human and Ellonia struck me as being too elven for a rider that truly loves being human and downright loathes the transformation process. The Ra'zac and Lethrblaka will still be showing up, but I've decided to make that whole debacle a chapter in itself. And again there will be some changes. A lot of changes.

Guest: I haven't forgotten about this fic. But I have a lot of projects right now, and all of them are clamouring for attention. This was a back-burner fic when I first started it. I never intended to prioritize it, until I got a few other things done. Which still aren't done. -.-; I'm trying. I'm just horribly slow.