I hated you, my boss, my employer you were cruel, secretive, vindictive and the worst thing was no one else could see it. When you were out surveying the bar or working at the bar or talking to anyone you were this nice guy who everyone loved but no one could see through that facade to the icy hatred that lay under the surface...no one but me.
I didn't trust you, tried to keep my distance, but something drew me to you. The invisible man allusive and undetectable and then somewhere in the midst of my hatred and your mystery I ended up in your bed….and foolishly I thought, I could have something new, to make everything bearable, a bright light in my dark life.
I didn't know it was happening, until it was too late the violence that is, the awful, awful pain inflicted by you when I stepped out of line. It's like you had every move mapped out, you knew just what to do, what to say, to get me where you wanted me. You made me believe...You made me believe I had made the first move, that I was the one who had pursued you. Me pursue anyone is a joke but to pursue my own boss that's verging on insane and you knew that! I am the shyest person you ever had the inconvenience of breathing the same air space as. So why I ever thought that it was me who started it, I'll never know.
At least I discovered new talents about myself like I'm an exceptional liar. I hid it all, my friends and family didn't have a clue, my bruises were hidden with expertise, I didn't want anyone knowing what I had gotten myself in to, what a mess I had become.
My life might as well have been another story line for some soap exaggerated, badly acted and quite frankly sickening. I felt so distant from it, like I was just watching it on television.
And then that day when it got really bad, when I was sick and tired of it and finally, finally worked up the courage to do something. I stood up and told you I was leaving...big mistake. You exploded it's like you weren't even a person occupied by anger anymore you were anger occupied by a shell of a man. But this time when the fists came I was ready...
And that's why I did it, that's why with trembling hands I pulled that trigger and watched you fall. Watched you lose all your power in just a split second. I was free, free from your abuse and torture. But what does that leave me with?
Now I feel empty and alone and it's your entire fault! You bastard! You should have left me alone, instead you infected me, changed who I am. When I look in the mirror I see a shadow of the man I once was and it disgusts me. I can't eat, I can't sleep all I see is you, your face when we both knew there was no turning back. When I do sleep, my dreams are filled with the good times and I wake up with a renewed yearn for you to be back with me, keeping me safe as you did so many times.
The bad times do not exist to me anymore only, only your smile and it haunts me…
