I always knew this day would come. How could it not? No one can live without a soul after all and if your other half is gone then what exactly are you left with. I could see all my friends around me crying. I wasn't sure how to feel myself. I'm sad because she's gone. I'm mad because she left. I'm happy because now she can finally can rest and I'm confused because what are supposed to do now?
Santana sits next to me bawling her eyes out and I hold her close to me. How could I not? She is the other half of me and I could never let her go. Like Quinn. Quinn's soulmate was Rachel. And when Rachel died I could see that Quinn died with her. From the moment we found out about Rachel's death to now I've been waiting for this to happen. I knew she could never really live a full life without her. It didn't mean I wanted her to go I just knew she would.
Still it hurts to lose my best friend like that. But I could see she was suffering. She lost herself completely after Rachel. A downward spiral we were all forced to observe instead of trying to save. She drank herself to oblivion and threatened to kill herself everyday. She was irrational and moody and there was nothing we could do to bring her out of it.
I had never seen her so withdrawn until after Rachel's death. I mean she was still recovering from Beth but Rachel was healing those wounds. With the loss of Rachel I could tell she felt her life meant nothing anymore. I sometimes walked into her room and found her on her knees pleading with God to bring back Rachel. To restore her soul. To make her whole again. Sometimes I held her while she cried her eyes out. And then she just became an empty shell that was moody and irrational and silent and drunk and not my friend. She became an empty soul. So I waited. And I hoped that this would never happen but it did.
On the nights I managed to convine her to stay with me I could hear her screams. And she would scream because couldn't save Rachel. She became haunted then. Sometimes I would be haunted too just from seeing I could do on those nights was hold her. Hold her till she closed her eyes, then I would pretend to believe she went back to sleep because I wanted to sleep too.
Do I feel guilty? Of course I did.I wished I could have saved her. I knew. And I could do nothing to save she could save herself. Everyone knew but could we save her? I don't know. I wanted to see if she could save herself because I didn't know how to save her myself. I feel guilty. I know we ALL feel guilty. But I wanted to believe she could win that war in her head that I not understand. All I could do was just watch her world crumble in her hands
.
I remember her last words to me. I didn't know these would be my last words of a dying girl. But she told me "Brittney? If Santana dies you must die. And if you die Santana will die as well." When I asked why she told me were two halves of a whole and how could a half survive if the other piece was missing? It couldn't work. It would never work. I didn't realize that this was her warning me. Of what she would be doing that afternoon after she left our presence. She seemed to struggle to stay up on her feet that day. But I could not say a word about it.
I found her later that day. Her mother was passed out in the living room from her afternoon booze fest. I looked all around the house. I couldn't find her. Then I went cold as I realized. I sped out the back door and found her swinging in the breeze on a rope hanging on a tree in her back yard. Her note said. "I couldn't be a broken half. I'm sorry. –Quinn"
The song this is based on is called Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitano. It's from the Underworld movies so I didn't exactly hear this on the radio but I am semi-obessed (read I listen to this everyday) so I'll throw it under here anyways. Btw if you couldn't catch this it's all in Brittney's POV
