A/N: This fic really took forever! I'm so sorry for anyone who was waiting for this. I kept scraping my drafts because I hated them. I found out how hard it is to write a happy ending that isn't cheesy, and mine is extremely. Forgive me!
Thank you for all you kind people who've reviewed or favorite-d my stories, especially those who have even put me on your Favorite Authors! It's truly an honor, and I love you all! ;D
Disclaimer: I don't own IE, though everyone who loves it wishes they do.
NOTICE: THIS IS A SEQUEL. MANY EVENTS HAVE OCCURRED ALREADY, POSSIBLY MAKING THIS FIC A LITTLE CONFUSING. IF YOU WISH TO UNDERSTAND 'BEYOND BROTHERS', I RECOMMEND READING 'FORGIVE OR FORGET' FIRST.
~Beyond Brothers~
Yuuichi's POV
Have you ever experienced such an inner turmoil of that when your two strongest beliefs collide? Here I am, in that very situation. Two weights of my deepest, fundamental logic hang on either end of a beam, both equally desperate to tip the precarious scale of indecision.
So what are they? They are so perfectly understandable, so morally correct when thought separately, but together they counteract fiercely. They refuse to meet each other head on, their natures repelling each other with a force unimaginably strong, and inevitable clashing results as they fight.
One is my life motto: To always follow my heart, and never be afraid of what I believed in. It is the strongest mental aspect of me that keeps me going even though I have been hospitalized for six years, every day unquestionably braving the bars in the rehabilitation room in hopes of being able to walk once more. I believe I will walk again one day, surgery or not. I am unhindered by all the sad smiles the nurses and doctors pass me, humoring me even though the odds are far from in my favor. I keep at it, my spirit unbroken no matter how many times deterred.
It must be painful to watch what seems like a losing battle, maybe even more than what I feel, and I am the one fighting it. Even my brother- though he thinks I never see it- accepts that the immensely expensive surgery is the only chance for progress, when I don't.
My brother… He is the other side. You laugh at this; one person is holding all the weight that my life meaning has? Even though he is my brother, the idea seems ludicrous. But I beg to differ, Kyousuke is worth every single material thing I have and more. He doesn't just represent my physical reason to continue on, he is the reason. I want to walk once more and play soccer with him again. I want to finally suppress the guilt that gnaws at him from the inside, the blame he takes on by believing he's solely responsible for the accident. I want to give him everything he wants and deserves.
And now they clash, because of all the things Kyousuke desires… He wants my love. And I believe- forget that, I KNOW- that what he wants is wrong, undoubtedly and utterly plain wrong. Even ignoring the iron fact that we are brothers, though that is a colossal chunk of what makes me so against it, Kyousuke deserves more. More than a hospitalized, disabled boy he already supports half the time. The stress of loving someone like me will crush anyone, even my strong-willed brother.
Even though I'm strictly against the idea of incest, I must concede my feelings for my brother are hazy. I mean, I would be downright lying to say that gratefulness hadn't submerged at all from the amount of care Kyousuke's showered me with these last six years. But I have yet to identify whether all of it was brotherly love, or- like how Kyousuke yearns for it to be- more? And with that, when did his feelings for me start to lean more romantically than family? I wonder if I missed the signs of his interest, or whether he kept them locked up tight. My brother, including his true intentions to me, has become a mystery all of a sudden.
I do know what he's done though. He's chosen my path for me, wanting me to forget him. So again you wonder, why am I still pondering? The 'brother' part of the equation has waved the white flag, stepped off the beam. The scale has tipped, and the only thing sensible for me to do is move on. But how can I possibly? Even if I did want to, it is rendered completely impossible.
My dear brother Kyousuke, I may not be able to love him like he wishes, and we may never be the same ever again, but he plays a part in my life so big that I cannot let him go. That would be allowing a part of me to die. 'A stubborn, frustrating, misguided part,'I concede a little bitterly. With a tired sigh, I recall Kyousuke's words, fate reduced and resigned to two options I could neither accept.
"It's your choice. Forgive and accept my feelings, or forget you ever had a brother."
I love him deeply as a sibling, but it's not enough for him. I wonder whether saying that I was sorry then counted in his eyes. Whether any of my words mattered, or as long as they weren't Kyousuke's desired, 'I love you too', he dismissed them as useless, turning a deaf ear to them. And I fear the fact I can believe this true.
"And here! Tsurugi Kyousuke has made his appearance! Raimon finally has eleven on the field!"
I turn to the forgotten TV set in shock, hardly daring to believe my ears. I watch, dumbstruck and wide eyed, as my brother walks onto the field donning the Raimon uniform, an unreadable expression on his face. His very presence in this room, if only as an image on a flat screen, sends my mind reeling. As it is the fact that he ISN'T here, but there at Teikoku Academy to help his fellow teammates.
The shock breaks a little on my face, though it still races through my veins, making it even more exhilarating when awe takes surprise's place against my features. He listened. Kyousuke had taken my words to heart, turning traitor against the Fifth Sector to play true soccer again. "Kyousuke…" I breathe through my astonished lips.
Arrays of emotions are assaulting my senses. Exceeding joy that he's helping Raimon. Warm gratefulness that he is prepared to sacrifice the surgery money-which he endured so much till now to secure for me- at my request. And finally a feeling that eclipses all previous happiness as it floods my being with a plague of dread: Guilt. That Kyousuke had followed my plea, and yet I had turned him away, broke his heart, and even doubted him mere seconds ago.
And that's when I realize that I had been caught as well in the sticky net of mistrust that had entangled not only Kyousuke, but also me. Not only did I let my beloved brother build a barrier around him, I constructed a similar fortress, just as- or maybe even more- thick in my confusion and hurt. And now he tears down his wall, when I continue to dwell in mine.
"You should travel down your own path," I mutter, shame surfacing at my behavior. How could I have twisted my brave brother in my anger, perceived him as such a heartless person? I would have never believed it possible, but I have helped to weave this web of doubt. Kyousuke's confession might have triggered it, but I was the one who took it to extremes. Why didn't I make us sit down and talk it out rationally, and why did I react so strongly? All these questions just keep piling up, a confusing labyrinth that I meet more dead ends with every turn, all stemming from a single core: What exactly do I feel for Kyousuke?
Maybe he knew what he was doing when he decided to leave me. The thought should send me grim happiness, but for some reason I have yet to discover, it only makes my heart constrict, dull acceptance pressing in on it. I'll watch him win this match, win the Holy Road tournament with Raimon, and continue with his life without me there to burden it. I'll support him no matter what, but from a safe distance, nowhere close to hurt him even more. But at least-
"I'll be able to share the same dream as you." There's a faint line of hope in that idea.
My cheeks burn as my brother steals the ball right off the bat, making the spectators stand up and cheer wildly. I want to avert my eyes; do I really deserve to watch his magnificent plays? But I find myself unable to shift my gaze from the tiny screen as Kyousuke makes an immaculate pass to Shindou, running backwards rapidly to receive the power-loaded shot from the intense kicks of Shindou, Hayami, Kirino and Amagi.
For every step my brother takes towards the goal in order to finish the hissatsu technique, I feel the stinging heat of the blush slowly ebb away from my face. I'm disappointed at myself, and Kyousuke seems to shine even more in comparison. His moves, his determination and drive fuel it. The seven-year-old boy I played soccer with in the past has evolved into this impressive player before me, while I have become a cripple tied to a hospital bed. I understand the guilt Kyousuke possesses now, seeing how drastically different our lives have become. But unlike my brother, I have no pity about my condition, only more amazement at his. To still play soccer so professionally right now, in this match that seems hopeless, just because I wanted him to- Kyousuke is incredible.
In this spilt moment, a fire lights itself in my heart. Not a flickering flame, not a meager spark, but a sensation I can only describe as an explosive heat storm. Flowing through my head and expelling all emotion except one. In the next second, my anger at myself, the misery that was cloaking me instantaneously evaporates, leaving my heart light and free. The only thing I can feel is extremely proud of my brother, raw admiration consuming me.
I never encountered such a strong feeling before, other than to soccer. Compared to my despair, it surges through me even more strongly. Overpowering and genuine, it spins and wraps me in its warmness like a tornado of fire, for even though those spectators cheer openly and louder than I ever can, only I know how much Kyousuke's losing- and is willing to lose all of it- to play this match right. Despite how much I don't deserve it, I feel pride that I get to be this remarkable person's older brother.
Have you forgotten everything you believe in? Are a couple of well-executed soccer moves going to erase how pathetic you really are? No, you'll always be a burden to Kyousuke. You'll always weigh him down, as a brother and even more if you consider being anything more with him.
And the moment shatters, despite its impact upon me, unbelievably fragile.
I wouldn't care less if this internal voice was snide, cruel and taunting, only coming from my previous anger. But it isn't. Though it is blunt, refusing to beat around the bush, it echoes logic. I cannot argue with it as it strips the shocking sensation from me, blowing out the passion I felt like it was as insignificant as a tiny candle glow.
I want to feel it again, but the voice stoppers the emotion, sealing it away and cutting it from my being. This side of my thinking is so straightforward; it has potential to sway me like a leaf subjected to strong winds. Rationality does not try to be mean and bully me into its beliefs, it points me back to the path that I believed in minutes ago. What I should still believe in now.
That's right. The only thing to do is to consider what is truly the best for Kyousuke. Will he want to continue visiting the brother that rejected him? Kyousuke wants you to abandon all hopes of seeing him again. Are you giving him all he deserves when you deny him respect by disregarding his wishes?
"But Raimon's hissatsu technique, Ultimate Thunder, fails once again at breaking Teikoku's iron defense! Is Tsurugi just not enough to make it work?"
Cries of disappointment crackle through the cheap television's poor speakers. Quickly, I push the voice to the back of my head. Fixated on the screen, I watch as my brother determinably requests his teammates to let him try again. Though they steadily comply, I see how some doubt his authenticity of playing true soccer. It sends pity and mild anger rising up in my system at Raimon's lack of trust in my brother.
It's impossible to turn away. From not only the TV set, but from Kyousuke. This is proven when anxiety attacks my being like a weapon as Kyousuke fails once more. "Again! I'll make it work this time." He commands Raimon, hands balling up in frustration. I wonder why I worry so deeply for him. My concern wrings me up like I'm wet mop, anxiously tightening my hold on the bed sheets I didn't even realize I was clutching till now. It's not sibling love, it's far stronger than any worry I've felt for Kyousuke before. Because- wait… why exactly? What is making me like this?
He runs back as they kick the ball systematically, receiving the shoot with a fierce intent of returning it. I see his face scrunch up in concentration as he raises his leg to deliver the shoot back. Kyousuke's attempt sends it flying back easily; he has more than enough kicking power. 'So why doesn't it work?' I ponder, though the sickening pit of unease that plagues me from the inside, taunts me as I already know the terrible answer.
Because he's thinking of you. Now Kyousuke can't concentrate on the game. He's not playing it right, he's not looking soccer straight in the eye, and it's all thanks to you. If Raimon loses now, it'll be your entire fault. Give him up; he'll hate you after this. Everyone will hate you.
The attack strikes me hard, all those horrible feelings returning, blowing me overboard and under. Suffocating me like a cold hand on my throat, crushing my windpipe and will, sending appalling thoughts to my brain that I can't reject. It's right, isn't it? I'll always be too weak for Kyousuke, physically and mentally. My own selfishness will obstruct my brother's success as long as I don't shut him out entirely. I'll always care for him, even when he forgets me. Time will allow him to. I only hope Kyousuke won't waste his life hating me, regardless of how much I deserve it. If I move on, so will he.
… Wait. Kyousuke loves me. He's loved me for god knows how long, and I'm not going to turn from that!
I'm shocked at myself. What… what was that? It blows me from the stormy seas and back onto land, making me internally heave. My hand moves to clasp my heart through my clothes-which seems to beat stronger under my touch- as if I can feel the words uttered. My eyebrows crease in confusion, and then rising in surprise as I register how I feel about the unfamiliar opinion. Where that voice sprung from is a mystery, but it feels... It feels RIGHT. I knew that emotion!
Suddenly, I'm back to where I was, pressed down on the very bed I'm sitting on now. With Kyousuke lying on top of me, giving me those soft kisses after his anger died. The voice had appeared then too, as I found out that I actually liked the sensation. It was so small, centering around the little excuse that my brother loved me too deeply to care about us being brothers, but it had the power to overthrow logic, if only momentarily.
It had reduced my world into one containing only Kyousuke and I, where only we mattered, and anyone else's opinions could just be cast aside to rot. We were one for a spilt second, two hearts pressed together and bound to each other. It wasn't just the kisses I enjoyed; I liked everything about that moment. I was too shocked to realize it then, but looking back makes me see how I cherished it our closeness, my racing heart, my brother's lips, and- and my brother himself.
He knew that loving me was going tough, and look at how much he's put up with just to care for me! I'll really not giving him what he deserves if I render all that suffering as useless!
Its passionate ring in its tone, of one that refuses to give up as it fights the other opinion, has enough force that it manages to unlock the euphoric feeling that was smothered by my other internal belief previously. It flies out and penetrates deep into my heart, the warmness engulfing me once more in its sweet blazing bliss that I now recognize. Not exactly love just yet, but a desire to love. I know what I truly want now. Maybe it won't work out, but I want to TRY. To be something beyond just brothers with Kyousuke.
How can I say it? How can I describe how drastically this revelation of my true feelings has changed my perspective? Maybe what kept me from seeing like this was how I never considered it possible, never questioned the wrongness of loving a sibling. It threw me off and struck me blind, even making my thoughts of Kyousuke a mystery. No, even deeper than that. I accepted regardless of that, Kyousuke would be crushed under the difficulty of maintaining and relationship with me. I doubted how strong his will was, and in that doubting his love for me.
But no longer. Though the extents of these feelings are yet to be tested, I know for sure what Kyousuke means and is to me now, strong yet sweet, silent but caring. And now, my brother along with possibly the object of my affection.
My two strongest beliefs, fighting so strongly earlier, now embrace each other willingly, bonding and melding into one unified passion. Because what I believe in is a future with my brother. I will never be afraid of what my heart told me was right. Despite the amount of complications it will undeniably cause, I know I could rely on Kyousuke, brave enough to wave a flag of revolution against the Fifth Sector with Raimon, to never waver in his feelings for me. I want to develop such strong feelings for him too, bestow him everything he is worthy of and more.
Despite how this feeling makes my surroundings fade into a misshapen blur, the screen remains crystal clear as I direct all my attention to the game. Is God somehow allowing my brother to know what I feel now? Tenma seems to be what fate sent to Kyousuke for me, as he makes my brother realize through his words and plays- and his love for the game- that when playing soccer, you have to give it your all.
"Kyousuke. When you're on the field, don't think of anything else except soccer."
Ultimate Thunder explodes, basking in its long awaited success. Blowing the Teikoku players away with ease, the goal completely clear as Tenma used his new hissatsu, Mach Wind. Then Shinsuke with Buttobi Jump. The huge smile on my face threatens to stay forever as my dear brother rushes up the field to make the final shoot, the boy with the soccer and soul I admire, the one I want to learn how to love.
"Raimon finally turns the score around! With Matsukaze's assist, Tsurugi Kyousuke makes the score to bring them into the lead!"
Is that, could that be a twitch of movement entering my legs as I long to jump up in my uncontrollable happiness, as Kyousuke's Death Drop gives Raimon the winning goal? Regardless of it being my imagination or not, it makes the success of Raimon even sweeter for me. The goddess of victory truly shines down on them; I believe that with everything I have. And maybe... The goddess of love will see through Kyousuke and I.
As the game closes with the loud commentary to watch the next match, my gaze finally shifts to something else. I scoot to the end of my bed to pick up the private phone in my room. Stare at it hesitantly, but determinably continue. Dial the number I know by heart, but haven't called in so long. Kyousuke didn't need me to tell him to visit in all these years. This will be the first time I do this, and hopefully he needn't need any more encouragement to continue visiting in the future.
"Moshi moshi?" I hear the calls of Tenma, along with some others, for Kyousuke to come celebrate with them in the background. My brother hardly hangs out with friends; I wouldn't want to intrude... But I guess this couldn't wait.
"Kyousuke?" I hear a sharp intake of breath on the other end, followed by a heavy silence. "Can you please come over for a while? It's really important... Please just come, I want to tell you something."
Kyousuke's POV
"Kyousuke, you came."
My eyebrows furrow, smoothing out just as quickly. Though I remain puzzled. Could there be a tinge of excitement in his tone?
I nearly blanch in shock as Nii-san gives me a reassuring smile. Quickly, he gestures me to sit down. The analysis of his voice seems to be affirmed correct by the way he manage to seem alight in energy without even moving from his bed. Anyway, his nonchalance only sets my nerves of worry ticking off faster.
Composing my expression into my regular stoic one, I awkwardly avoid any eye contact as I try to maintain my usual casual saunter across the room. When did the polish floor begin to look like a death trap, lined with land mines under every tile? Or when did every piece of furniture suddenly drip with strung up trip lines, everything containing a catch? With sparsely anything in the neat little room, I manage to jostle a surprising number of objects and stumble across the perfectly smooth surface considering my team just beat Teikoku for crying out loud, taking a ridiculous amount of time while entirely looking like a fool.
I clear my throat awkwardly as I finally lower myself down into the chair I've occupied so many times, but never with feelings like this. My heart bangs its fists against my ribcage, panicked and desperate for escape as it attempts to clamber up my throat no matter how many times I swallow it back down. In the end I just leave it there, and wait for the guaranteed rant my brother will give me to break it into small enough pieces. I swear if my Nii-san weren't smirking right now, he would have to be blind.
Funny how much that thought makes me cringe, even though any chance he returns my feelings got trampled on and died hours ago when he rejected me. But as much as I hate myself for this, a stupid little candle of hope lit inside me when I picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other end. I wish Nii-san would just blow the damn thing out already, rather than just stare at me as the flame flickers and drips hot wax all over my heart. The suspense is literally killing me with every second I keep my head down and away from his gaze.
"Go on. Get it over with." My voice sounds as razor sharp as a mighty sword blade. Weird how it cuts me up when it should pain the one the words are addressed to.
A light sigh escapes Nii-san's lips, the ones I kissed earlier today. Not annoyed or mad like it should be, just disappointed. I want to flinch away when warm, tender fingers cup my chin ever so softly. I want to scream when my body tells me to like it. The forefinger traces my jawline in a way that sends pleasure running up my spine. And mild horror as well as I squirm at this un-foretold move.
My heart hardens. How can he torture me like this, tease me when he doesn't feel the same? It was too low, and completely unpredicted coming from my Nii-san of all people. It hurt the most that he would do this to me.
It triggers the arrogant side of my personality. Defiant, I stick my head up to bore my angry eyes into face. My hand reach up to seize the one holding my chin, ready to claw it off if I was met with any resistance. Hell, no one is allowed treat me like this. Already, my fuming words were bumbling up and I hiss them, letting out the steam that gurgles from the molten pit of fury embedded in me.
"Go on then, Nii-san! Spit those words out, you never want to see me again. Then let me… the hell… go." The fragments came out as deadly hisses near the end.
Not a single reaction. Those orange-brown eyes just meet my narrowed ones with dull indifference. Carefully, planning to expel any show of defenselessness, I dig my fingers into the back of his hand, deep enough that I know they will leave marks. Down and more down until my nails can be called buried in the skin. I halt just before they would begin to draw blood to scrutinize my Nii-san. Not even a twitch in his features.
And then I just break down. Completely different from how I cried before. This time, the tears gush out wildly and uncontrollably, soaking my cape until it clings a little to my frame, damp from the unexpected outburst. Weird strangled sounds fly past my lips as my breathing accelerates into quick, shallow heaves. I feel like my insides are emptying themselves from all the shit I've been through, from the accident six years ago to now. I can't stop it and actually don't want to, relieved to finally kick out all the stuff that has haunted me for long enough already.
In my unusually vulnerable state, I don't even resist when Nii-san wraps his arms around me and pulls me forward in the seat until I can practically be called lying next to him on the bed. I draw my fingers out of his palm to throw both arms around his neck and cling on desperately. An irrational need to be even closer to him yanks me in until I am lying next to him. He cradles me into his form as we wait for my continuous sobs to blow over. I don't want them to end if I get to stay here in his embrace. So I take a little advantage of the fact Nii-san seems to have forgotten he doesn't love me back. I make the moment last.
The sounds I make become muffled as I catch my lips with his. Our breathing mingles perfectly with each other, like a symphony with his still slow and calm, mine fast and hyper. It's even more amazing that what I remember. Way more amazing. Was he- was Nii-san actually returning it? My mind scrambles at the thought, my crazy racing heart embarrassingly almost slamming into him thanks to our entwined figures. My eyes squeeze hard in wishful thinking. Please let that be true-
Whether he is or not, his rhythmic breaths help me as I match mine to sync with his. To my displeasure, he carefully breaks the kiss the minute my tears halt, but at least allows me to remain nestled next to him. I realize he's going to speak as he bends down to move his mouth to my ear, tickling it with words I can't decide whether I want to hear or not.
"… Better? I'm sorry if it hurt, but thought you'd have stuff you needed to let out. Did that help, Kyousuke?" A nervous laugh is uttered. "I'm not going to avoid the matter, so hear it is. I seem to be saying sorry to you quite a lot now, don't I? But no matter now many times I apologize, it's never going to satisfy the void of emptiness I left you in, will it?"
"I-it did work, t-thanks," I swallow the ridiculous stutter that had somehow crept its way in before I continue, "It hurt a whole lot, but it did help. You're right that saying sorry isn't going to make up for it a bit. But Nii-san, that isn't the big deal, it's how you feel-"
I can't bring myself to talk anymore, lapsing into silence. He pulls his face back so we can see each other eye to eye. I watch as he closes his as if he's savoring my words, and then opens his mouth again.
"And it will never fill mine either if I don't make it up to you. When I saw your plays, you gave me this feeling that made me the happiest I'd ever been in a long time. I missed that side of you, the same person who used to play soccer with me until the sun went down. The one who promised to love soccer forever so we could share the same dream. You have every right to reject me after what I did to you, but tell me now, do you accept me, Kyousuke?"
My ears must be lying. This can't be real. Was Nii-san really saying these things? I pull myself together before I can yelp as he closes the space between our faces once more. The second kiss he gives me, a picture perfect love-filled moment, confirms it. Confirms that the whole entire thing was real, is real. The minute the shock wears off- admittedly fairly long, but Nii-san waits me out patiently- I successfully manage to suppress my delighted gasp, along with rapidly wipe away the damn tears that were ready to bust again.
My heart finally sinks back down in breathtaking relief, only to bounce up again immediately to soar into imaginary clouds. After all this time of stomaching these strange feelings, they're finally going to be returned. The candle of hope has been replaced with an everlasting bonfire, and the flame no longer flickers. It's radiant as it kills the darkness that has encased me long enough. Though I'm not one to express my emotions freely, but I allow myself this one time.
He laughs in surprised joy as I wrap my hands around him, nearly knocking both of us off the bed. Our peals of laughter echo around the small room, a sound that has never entered this place throughout the six years Nii-san has stayed here. "I take that as a 'yes'," he comments with that sweet smile of his, and we double up again, the most relaxed we've ever been with each other. I miss these times. And now, they'll be many more. The thought threatens to give me a dopey smile, which I can hardly hold back.
I want to kiss him again, but he HAS to ask in that exact moment whether I had celebration plans with Tenma and the others. I grimace, wanting to stay with him, but I know he'll never let me ditch hanging out with my new 'friends' (which I guess they are, but teammates would suffice for now). I know him so well; he practically tries to push me out the door when I concede that I do have arrangements.
"Don't go anywhere without me knowing," I say dumbly as I get up from the bed, nearly whacking myself when I remembered that obviously, Nii-san couldn't go anywhere. Stupid happiness, scrambling up my brain. But all he did was motion me to shoo, along with a 'have fun' kind of look. Comforted, I bade him a final goodbye walk out of the room with a new heart and a brilliant future with Nii-san.
A joint future beyond that of brothers.
~The End~
Happy ending… Urgh. Sorry for people who didn't want incest. I want to thank Anshie and Yurika Schiffer for their ideas about Yuuichi's 'inside battle' and calling Kyousuke over after the match.
Please review! All views are welcome!
P.S. I'll love some help, so please drop a review telling me what pairing you guys want next, since I'm going to work on writing happy ends. They are:
Shindou x Kirino
Kariya x Kirino
Tsurugi x Tenma
Other (please specify but first 3 are more likely to be written since I ship them more)
Please keep in mind I tend to write episode related fics, so if you can suggest an episode to match the pairing please let me know too! Thank you so much!
