RESIDENT EVIL 7: BIOHAZARD 2: RESIDENT EVIL 8: SUPERHAZARD
by Vainglory 2KW8Ω
Ethan Winters stood above the beast he had slain. He felt as though he were Thor and he had just slain Fenris, a fearsome demon that took on the guise of a wolf only this demon took on the guise of a little girl and revealed its true form as a mass of flea-like microscopic molds. He had seen he beloved ex-wife, Stacy (a/n: I forgot her name but I'm not going on the wiki to look it up) and another girl he had met named Zoe Baker, whom he would have liked to marry one day. It was ironic that Zoe, a Baker like the cannibalistic freaks who had relentlessly hunted him to kill him in sadistic glee, was instrumental in his survival and quite gorgeous while everybody else in the family was butt-ugly and looked like a mannequin sculpted out of congealed tomato soup. But Zoe was taken away from him when she transformed into a hideous monster and he had to kill her. Sadness gnawed at his heart like a half-starved infant desperately trying to suckle on her dead mother's meat.
The infant ceased its suckling when he heard something. What the hell was that sound? Was it another creature out for his blood? The noise got louder and easier to pinpoint. He looked back to see that it was a helicopter's blades that were making it. He had forgotten what those sounded like. He watched as the bird touched down, its door were thrown open, and a grizzled, well-built man in paramilitary attire and sporting 5 O'Clock shadow, perhaps a mercenary, stepped out to greet him.
The mercenary spoke, "Mr. Winters, I'm Redfield."
"Uh… Hi there, I, Uh, I'm Ethan." He thought he felt like a nerd trying to ask a hot girl to go out to prom with him. Did this guy really just say he was Redfield, Chris Redfield? The man who single-handedly took down Umbrella and the terrorist executives and unnatural beasts in its employ? Surely, he must have been starstruck, just like the time he met Wayne Coyne. But this wasn't exactly like when he met the frontman for the Flaming Lips. There was an off-putting surreality to this situation that he never encountered before. Something was wrong, it wasn't blatantly obvious like the first time he was attacked by Jack Baker or crossed paths with an inhuman mold creature because this was clearly a man who didn't seem to hold any ill intent against him. But still, Christ Redfield himself was right here, immediately after having killed Evelyne, the mold queen. it was almost too good to be true.
"Hey, kiddo, why don't you get on my plane?" Chris said, "We need to get you out of here."
"Oh, right!" Ethan jogged into the helicopter.
Chris slammed the door and they both strapped themselves into their seats.
"Whew," said Ethan, "my dogs are killing me."
Chris laughed, "Yeah, you and me both. I just flew in from Miami and I can feel your pain"
Ethan didn't get the joke. His thoughts were racing too fast to pay heed to this clever meta reference to classic opening jokes in stand-up comedy that was trying to cross the NASCAR track of his mind.
"Hey," Chris said, "when we get you home: how about I buy you a drink? I know a good bar."
"Thanks, man," Ethan replied, "but I'm a bit shaken up. What I really need is some shut-eye. Hopefully, I don't get night terrors and panic attacks from all of those innocent people that I saw die and that giant gungan creature that I killed moments before you arrived."
"You can relax now, Ethan. You're safe."
A great weight was lifted off of Ethan's chest. He forgot what relaxation felt like and a wave of peace fell over him. He was tempted to let himself fall onto the floor and sleep until the helicopter dropped him off at home but he wanted to sleep in his bed where it was soft, clean, and didn't have any biological freaks of nature trying to kill him so he stayed awake and looked for something to keep him occupied.
Ethan Winters looked out the helicopter window. His smartphone was missing, probably eaten by an alligator back at the bayou, so he wasn't able to play Pokemon Blue on an emulator (a/n: Blue is the best version and if you like Red better: you are an evil asshole). He thought he would get a good view of the vast, beautiful plains of Texas but, instead, he saw something that filled him with grueling terror. "Um… Why does this helicopter have the Umbrella logo on it? Is there something I should know?" he asked.
"HAHAAH! You fool! You should not have trusted me. I have become an agent for the new Umbrella Corporation!" said Chris Redfield.
"I refuse to believe that. The Chris Redfield I read about was a paragon of virtue!"
"Heheheh, the new Umbrella Corporation offered me a substantial sum of money to work for them"
"You really would betray your principals for cold, hard cash; huh, Mr. Redfield?"
"Yep. As Cyndi Lauper once said: 'Money Changes Everything.' MWAHAHA!"
Ethan couldn't believe it. Here was Claire Redfield, the man who killed the world's most notorious criminal bioterrorist, and he was telling him the inconceivable.
Chris smirked and continued talking, "you'd best get comfortable. We've still got a long way to go before we meet with my employer. Ha ha ha."
"Stop laughing at me! Can't you see that I'm distraught?!"
"Sorry, I got a case of the giggles. Tee hee."
Ethan was too shaken to think about escape. Twelve times, the helicopter stopped to refuel. Once, during a stop in Santa Fe, where Chris Redfield and the pilot did the refueling themselves because nobody else was there: a cop stopped by to talk to them and they held an extended conversation with each other for over thirty minutes. He was in such a daze that the thought of calling out to this officer or sneaking away never crossed his mind. The twelfth time was in Malibu, in full view of the Pacific ocean and the shoobies gaggling about on the beaches.
The helicopter finished refueling, took off, and passed over what could well have been the last sliver of the continental United States Ethan would ever see again. Endless blue could only be seen. To escape now would mean being at the mercy of dolphins who would abduct him and take him to their caves to have their way with him. He wasn't sure whether to be horrified or relieved that nobody would ever know how he died and presumed him to be merely missing and last seen in Louisiana; at least they wouldn't know that he died from a combination of drowning and blunt force trauma from being sodomized by the most devious perverts in the fish kingdom.
"From here, it's only fifteen minutes until you meet my employer. He'll be glad to see you. Heh heh heh." said Chris.
Ethan crossed his arms and clutched the t-shirt fabric around his shoulders like an orphaned baby monkey without its mother to protect it. The anticipation scraped against his nerves and sent a tingling feeling through his penis. He hoped that it wasn't because he jizzed in his pants out of fear: he wanted the last time that he did that to have been inside of Zoe; not his pants.
An island appeared on the horizon. The sight of this place sent chills throughout Ethan's body and he started to grow faint. It was an imposing sandstone pinecone of a mesa surrounded by treacherous jaws of stalagmites jutting from the ocean. Nestled upon this mesa was a lush jungle where he imagined velociraptors prowled the dense vegetation in search of their prey. And parting the waves of this jungle: stood a monolithic and arrogant declaration of love for evil in the shape of the Umbrella logo carved out of stone.
Chris must have gotten a call on his headset, "Yes, prepare for landing. I'll radio ahead and tell them to make preparations for our guest. Mwahaha."
The helicopter made its tedious descent and touched down on the pad. Chris flew open the doors and pulled Ethan out. The chopper's blades hadn't slowed down enough yet and were still producing noise enough noise to make Ethan cringe. That whirring guillotine reminded him of the ungodly howls some of those monsters made back at the Baker ranch.
Ethan was jolted to lurch forward by a hard strike in the back from Chris, "Get moving, you sack of pus! My employer is anxious to meet you! Hahaha!" They approached the entrance to the fortress. It was tall enough to make Ethan dizzy just by looking at the gargantuan doors that towered over him. He felt exhausted as though he had just climbed a beanstalk to the clouds and was now about to be invited into the giant's castle where his bones would be ground to mix the monster's bread.
With a clunk and an agonizingly slow creak: the doors took an eternity to swing out and swallow him in.
Chris prodded Ethan to walk forward. They walked along a red carpet floating on a sea of black and white checkerboard tiles. The taciturn Greek gods and 17th-century aristocrats lining the walls glared at them with contempt. The journey was made into a mountain climb as, with every thirty paces, they would take a step up onto a new tier of the floor. This continued for a while until they came across a sheer cavern of a ballroom. The room was a complicated shape, it was adorned with eight different stained-glass windows depicting horrendous monsters separated from each other by foreboding tunnels of oaken baroque décor. The baby grand piano off to one of the sides was dwarfed by these windows and could have fit neatly into one slice of the Umbrella logo ingrained into the center of the floor.
Each of these slices, however, were pointing directly at a man standing in the dead, black center of the logo with his back turned to Ethan.
"Ah, it's good to see that you've finally arrived. I made tea and toasted brioches for you because I assumed you were deathly hungry after your strange ordeal at the Baker family ranch." the Man said as he pointed up.
Edgar Winters followed his finger and saw that the sunroof was also of stained glass and depicted a blonde man with sunglasses and a malignant poker face. the spitting image of that sunroof was now facing him with a smirk and a vintage pair of Gargoyles.
"My name is Albert Wesker. Welcome to my humble adobe."
