Cheques and Balances
Title:
Cheques and balances
Rating: U
Spoilers: None
Warnings: This is a first draft, will edit a more polished version later. Because of that the Turks will be behaving quite out of cannon character.
Summary: Elena's been undercover for a month and returns to find that Reno needs to break up with a second date woman and isn't getting much help from his friends. Only Tseng seems to be aware of the bigger picture at play.
Disclaimer: The Turks belong to SE not me, I'm just playing.
"I'm dead." Reno flopped forward dramatically onto the table in front of him, his arm outstretched holding his mobile phone."What's killed him now?" Elena arrived at the table with a round of drinks as Rude pulled his partner back up to a seated position.
Tseng took Reno's phone off him and read the text message he had received.
How was Ur day? Been thinkin about U all
day and
it's been drivin me crazy. U know I
wont hang around 4ever, you
still have a
decision to make. Love you x
Tseng passed the
phone to Rude and Elena while Reno took a large gulp of his drink and
returned to his slumped position over the table."So what
decision do you have to make?" The dark haired Turk cocked his head
to one side.
"Don't wanna talk about it." Came the muffled
groan from with the mass of red hair creeping out over the table.
Tseng looked to Rude, if anyone knew what was going on in Reno's
life it was Rude.
The stoic man merely shrugged in reply then
added. "Same old song and dance."
"It's kinda sweet Reno,
what are you going to reply?" Elena handed the phone back to the
redhead who was once again pulled up to a seated position by his
partner.
"Sweet? Sweet! That's not sweet! It's controlling
and manipulative. It's not even manipulative, it's just
aggressive."
"Reno what in this text is any of those things?"
Tseng lifted his drink and cast an eye to Rude who was shaking his
head subtly.
"Short text form so she can fully write 'love
you' to show that extra meaning. The 'how was your day?'" The
redhead rocked his head a little in an attempt to elicit an answer
from his workmates.
"It's polite?" Elena ventured.
"Oh
that's what you lot would like us to think yeah, but you don't
ask someone how their day was after two dates. No, no, no! That's
couple talk."
"Reno have you been reading 'dating for the
bastard in you' again?" Rude asked politely as he gave his
partner a dry look.
"I guess I glossed over the chapter that
mentioned marriage after two dates." The pale Turk cut his eyes at
his partner sarcastically.
"She's talking about marriage!"
Elena blurted out almost spilling her drink as she cupped her mouth
in shock.
"It's on her mind." Reno nodded knowingly, with
all the wisdom he could muster. Although after two hours of drinking
he was woefully low on intelligent features.
"It's in your
head mate." The skinhead laughed as he pushed Reno playfully.
"Do
you need help finding an engagement ring?" Tseng cooed as if he
were talking to a child.
"How much of a bastard do you have to
be before they release their claws?"
"Reno, you're not that
big a catch." The blond laughed into her drink.
"Then you
bloody break up with her." Reno tossed his phone to Elena.
"You
see Reno used to be a rent boy and has difficulty saying no." Rude
quickly dipped his head to drink the smooth amber from his glass.
"It
was one bloody job!" Reno exclaimed with exasperation. "And a
mission I might add." He narrowed his eyes at Tseng.
"Oh do
tell." Elena rested her chin on her knuckles eagerly.
"Just
flirt a bit Reno, no one will know Reno, get the information Reno,
it's undercover Reno, it's top bloody secret Reno." The redhead
chimed childishly as he glared at Tseng who was doing his best to
hide a widening grin.
When Tseng drank heavily he betrayed none
of the usual signs of inebriation save for an occasional slur and a
broad grin that reminded both Reno and Rude of a crocodile with too
much information.
"You filled the role to perfection Reno."
Tseng let slip a small snicker as he quickly reached for his
drink.
"And did I mention Reno? It's a bloody wind up Reno."
The defensive Turk continued mimicking his boss and logging his
complaint for the umpteenth time over the last two weeks.
"Now
now, it wasn't strictly a wind up Reno." Rude patted his
partner's back. "I mean you got paid overtime." He couldn't
hold his composure any longer and rocked back in his seat laughing
which sent Tseng into a fit of giggles.
Reno folded his arms. "The
overtime I made myself by sleeping with the President's business
partner that he told me to sleep with!" He pointed an accusing
finger at his boss.
Tseng composed himself. "I heard she signed
right up after that, you should be proud of your…." He looked
down and began shaking a little with laughter once again. "Talents."
"I could just as easily set you up with this lady Boss." The
unimpressed man took his phone and held his thumb over the call
button. "Just keep laughing." He said darkly.
"You didn't
mention prostitution when I signed up Boss." Elena turned to Tseng
with a little too much interest; it was her stalk and pounce pose.
"Thank you! At last, someone's on my side!" Reno clapped
unable to see in his relief for a bit of support, that he had just
opened the gateway for the full story.
"You didn't have to
sleep with the woman Reno, just give her a tour of the city and
dinner." Tseng spread his arms in explanation. "You were the one
who decided to respond to her advances."
"That wasn't
exactly how you worded it in the briefing and it certainly wasn't
sold to her that I was playing a 'hands off' kinda guy."
"Oh
you enjoyed it, and you got your payback." Rude said as he focused
on the table, if he looked at his boss now it would send them both
into fits of laughter once again resulting in Reno getting all moody
and he'd had enough of his partner's mood swings for this
fortnight already.
"I'm last on the list for all stake-outs
for the next year." Reno grinned at Elena's questioning
frown.
"Sexual harassment my arse!" Rude snorted as he lifted
his drink. He had found it very unfair how Reno had managed to swing
that particular pay off from his complaining, it certainly didn't
seem like the kind of thing Shinra would approve and he wondered how
his boss was going to live up to the promise. But Tseng had never
broken his word with the Turks, it was a strong reason why they
respected him and trusted him so much. The leader of the Turks was
many things; he often was put into difficult moral positions. But he
was always able to keep work and his social life separate; knowing
when to join in on the fun and when to put a stop to it all. But this
side deal with Reno worried Rude, though mostly because it was no
secret that they all hated stake-outs and the thought of a whole year
doing the mind numbing waiting and watching with anyone else other
than his partner chilled the untouchable man in a way he would never
admit to. Tseng would find a way to make the deal stick though, Rude
had worked for him for eight years and had never known his boss to go
back on a promise.
Reno held his head and looked quite forlorn. "It was the emotional damage after." He said in a feminine voice."No strings attached sex? Please you were buzzing for days!" The skinhead rolled his eyes pushing the thought of a year of solitary stake-outs from his mind.
"Yeah, until
someone made me flyers advertising my services and posted them around
half of Midgar. My Mum had catastrophic gossip failure!""Well
you deserved it after your little stunt, don't play the innocent
here Reno, not outside work hours." Tseng waggled his
finger.
"Soldiers look very nice in day glow orange." Reno
smirked.
"That's not the stunt I was talking about."
"Oh
it was a few post it notes Boss!"
"Shame the President didn't
see it that way, or perhaps he just didn't recognise your stake and
claim theory to every item in his office?" The dark man paused,
"including the walls and furniture."
"Come on boss, it was
pretty funny." Rude giggled the nodded his head up to Elena. "Reno
labelled everything in the President's office as his own with post
it notes."
"He knows that stuff is really mine." Reno folded
his arms confidently and leaned back in his chair.
"Only the
President didn't recognise Reno's take over of the Shinra
company, and still doesn't." Tseng glared at is wayward
Turk.
"I'm not giving the fridge back, I clearly labelled it,
it said: 'this is mine'," Reno held his hand up spacing the
words as if they were a headline. "No one countered the claim so
it's legally mine."
"You can't hold the President's
fridge to ransom forever Reno." Tseng warned in the dangerous lilt
his voice sometimes took when he was not delivering an empty
threat.
"I've sent him the salad tray, just so he knows I'm
serious." Reno wasn't about to back down now, the prank had gone
too far and his pride was now at stake.
"Reno, get the next
round in." Tseng snapped.
"But I got the one before Elena's!"
The pale man snapped up in his seat in protest.
"Unless you want
to be hung for treason against fridges I'd suggest you dip your
hand in your wallet."
"There's a word for this: Corruption!"
Reno leaned towards his boss as he accentuated the last word then
bounced off towards the bar quite obediently; you just didn't push
Tseng that far.
"You're covering this up too Rude." Tseng
warned the smirking Turk to his right.
"Me!" The usually
composed man looked startled. "How did I get dragged into
this?"
"Don't think I don't know who gave him the post it
notes. That's aiding and abetting and in Reno's case giving him
the idea in the first place."
"I'm not taking any internal
undercover jobs." Rude said quickly as he shifted uncomfortably.
The Turks had always covered for each other when it came to their
various pranks, Tseng said it kept them sharp. The president wasn't
aware of half of the treasonous acts that had been committed in his
company over the years and he had the Turks to thank for that piece
of mind.
"I go undercover for a month and look what happens to
you lot! How the heck did you function before?"
"We didn't
cover our tracks as much." Rude betrayed a broad grin.
"Yeah
Reno would have actually put his name on the post it notes before
instead of just labelling them: this is mine, this too, and that,
that's mine too."
"Twat that he is." Rude added. "At
least this way we'll get to see how much actual reading the
President does."
"He didn't…" Tseng looked momentarily
horrified.
"Random pages throughout the entire library." Rude
smiled, "I think he even put his name on some of them." He
gestured towards Reno who was advancing. "Like I said; twat that he
is."
"I propose a toast to Elena." Tseng staggered to his
feet. "The only woman to have successfully renovated the
President's office with lawn furniture and not even be suspected
raising the bar on Turk training all around."
"Here here!"
Rude rapped the table and rose his glass, then realising it was empty
took a full glass that Reno brought over and drank to the toast.
"And
she used to be such a goody two shoes." Reno lifted his own glass
and winked at the blond.
"Still is in the eyes of the
President." Tseng added as he stretched back in his chair.
"You
guys have too much time on your hands." The barmaid chastised as
she cleared the table full of empty glasses.
"How do you
break up with someone nicely over text message?" Reno sighed as he
looked at his phone again.
"When I wanted to break up with my
wife I just told her I didn't love her anymore." Rude said rather
matter-of-factly.
All eyes turned to Rude and were quickly
followed by gaping mouths.
"It wasn't strictly the truth, I
didn't really love her in the first place." He added.
"You
were married!" Reno stammered. "Damn it I've known you for six
years and your telling me this now!"
"I felt like a wedding."
The tall man shrugged.
"Rude, you don't get married because
you feel like a wedding." Tseng slurred as he lifted his glass once
again.
"I feel like I've been cheated on." Reno said quietly
still very much in shock.
"You know you're the only one for me
now babe." Rude put his hand on Reno's shoulder.
The redhead
flinched away quickly. "Don't touch me!" He said
defensively.
"I recommend flowers." Tseng grinned at Rude's
overly acted hurt look.
"Oh it's gonna take more than that!"
Reno looked up at his friend. "Unless they're roses?" He
fluttered his eyes hopefully.
"Can I have a new partner
Boss?"
"Hey! What's wrong with me?" Reno drunkenly swung
his body around to face Rude.
The skinhead placed a hand on his
partner's shoulder and spoke gently, "Reno, I don't know how to
tell you this but recently you've been giving off a gay
vibe."
"Yeah? Think that's what I should tell Shinta?"
Reno said earnestly as he held up his phone.
"Recently as in the
last thirty seconds, you're still in the 'it's just a phase
category'." Elena enlightened the drunken Turk.
Reno
typed into his phone rapidly.
"What did you say?" Tseng
leaned over his folded arms on the table.
"That I'm confused
and it's just not the right time for me to get into anything
serious,"
"Diplomatic, but not firm enough." The dark haired
man winked and took his drink, held it to his lips inn thought for a
moment then added, "why don't you tell her you're
married?"
"Tried that two texts ago, this is what I got back."
He held up his phone:
I understand why U would stray,
Ur a
free spirit N need to roam.
I think U roam because
Ur unhappy
wi her. U haven't
strayed with me cos my spirit's
also
free N that's something
worth working on. Love you x
"I told her I was afraid of breaking her heart down the line." Reno held up his phone again:
U've done nothing but make my
heart sing, let me worry about my
heart, I'm tougher than
you think.
Love you x
"Just how big is your cock?"
Elena whistled in admiration as she leaned back from the huddle
reading the held up his little finger.
"Fuck off!"
Reno pushed his partner playfully.
"Reno has a tendency to be
everything a woman wants on the first date, then a complete arsehole
on the second." Tseng explained. "They fall for it every
time."
"That and he always goes for the psycho dependency
ones." Rude added.
"I need help here guys!" The redhead
exclaimed. The added with a mutter, "it's not my fault, just how
I am."
"Just tell her you're moving to another continent."
Tseng rolled his glass in his hands.
"Just ignore her." Elena
offered.
"Just tell her she's dumped."
"She works for
Shinra, so the first two are out and Rude, never let it be said that
romance is lost on you."
"If you want her to stop…" The
broad man lifted a shoulder in a half shrug.
"And be labelled a
bastard in the office? No thanks. Come on guys, we've taken down
tougher cats than this." Reno attempted a rallying pep talk
approach through his drunken slur. He looked at his phone as it
hummed into life. "I can't face it." He said dramatically and
gave his phone to Rude.
"She wants to meet with you and talk
face to face, apparently you owe her that." Reno's partner dryly
informed him.
"I'm a dead man." Reno slumped forward
resting his head on the table.
"It wouldn't kill you, you
know." Rude passed the phone back to his partner.
"You know
what will happen Rude." Reno groaned.
"Yeah, you'll lose
your nerve, end up taking her to bed, shutting down because you can't
stand to be near her anymore and then she'll assume you have some
deep rooted psychological condition, hold you all night thereby
cementing the relationship further as you cringe all night and send
me text messages pretending I'm your sick mother moaning about not
being able to read about the rise and fall of the Wutai empire, which
by the way is an unhealthy obsession."
"You can't talk,
chocobo breed lines boy." Reno snapped, that was a step too far. He
may have lived with his partner thus making both their lives quite
public to the Turks but there were just some interests that should
have been kept strictly between flatmates.
Rude leaned towards
the redhead. "I'll order the tux for you. I assume you'll be
going for simple gold bands and a big reception?"
"The problem
is I take them back to mine. When I used to go back to theirs I'd
give a false number and was out of there before the milkman arrived."
Reno sat up approaching the problem objectively. "No they end up
having breakfast with Rude and I'm stuck with them for the day
after that."
Rude shot his partner a threatening look; he knew
he had been pushing the boarders with his partner's reading habits,
but if Reno started up about his cooking skills… well it would be
the last tikka masala his partner would eat for a very long
time.
Reno acknowledged the look with a smirk of similar warning,
although he had just as much to lose by divulging that particular
piece of information anymore about his own history interests and he'd
forego home cooked meals for as long as it took; after all, he had a
reputation to protect.
"Reno, your problems go further than
whose place you shag in." Elena nudged Tseng. "You're round
Boss."
"Hmm? Is he single yet?" Tseng snapped back to the
conversation.
"Not quite." The blond laughed.
"It was
two dates!" Reno almost shouted in his defence. "Since when was
two dates equated to love?"
"Since you do that lost in her
arms thing. You bring this on yourself Reno." Rude held out his
palm gesturing to his partner. "You give all the signals of a man
in love from the off. Every time we go through this I tell you how to
be and you still manage to give out all the wrong signals. You're
not a cat Reno; you can't just serenade shag and run with human
beings."
"Hey I tried the emotional void thing, they didn't
bloody believe me!"
"You have to throw yourself into the role
man. Simply saying you're closed off only invites them to try to
change you."
"Rude just sort it out will you." Tseng stood
up. "This is getting beyond boring now."
"Not until he
returns the fridge and signs up for every steak out I'm on."
There was a wicked look on the man's face.
"You mean there's
been a solution to this all night?" Elena reeled back in her
chair.
"You think he would have got this far in life without
me?" The broad man raised an eyebrow then turned to Reno. "You
always give women the wrong impression of you. Admit it, you'd be
hung drawn and quartered by now without me."
"The fridge stays
where it is. I can deal with this." Reno picked up his phone with
determination.
"It's the hair and his big blue eyes, covers up
the bastard in him and makes them think he's worth changing."
Rude explained.
"Whereas this arsehole has a different woman
every night and never has repercussions." The redhead winged his
thumb towards his partner.
"Do you two ever consider that you
spend too much time together?" Elena nodded a thanks to Tseng as
she lifted her drink from him.
Reno and Rude faced each other and
leaned back a little in unison.
"Don't know what you mean."
Reno shrugged as if the case was closed and took his drink.
"Ok,
perhaps I should rephrase that, I'm spending too much time with you
guys."
"I said that six years ago," Tseng sat down, "once
these two get you, you become undesirable to drink with."
"You
were always undesirable Boss, we saved you from Rufus overload."
Reno nudged his partner.
"Sort it now Rude or I'll put you on
Rufus watch." Tseng commanded, more sobered after his short walk to
the bar and projecting more of his work image now.
"Fridge."
Rude folded his arms looking at Reno.
"My computer." Reno
returned the stance.
"My computer!"
"My hair gel?"
"You
had that coming." Rude thought for a moment. "My razor."
"My
bed linen!" Reno squeaked.
"My door!" Rude sarcastically
mimicked his partner's innocence.
"You weren't using it!"
"I bloody well was!"
"Was your hand on the
knob?"
"Unlike you, my hand can stay away from my knob for
longer than one night, still doesn't mean I'm not using it."
Rude winked at Elena. "My ties." He said almost triumphantly
returning to his partner.
Reno raised his finger and paused. "Ok
I can't remember past last week."
"Fine then, sign up for
the stake-outs and leave me out of the fridge."
"Oh but I hate
stake-outs, they're always cold, cramped and boring." Reno
wined.
"Last offer, they're even more boring without you."
"Aw
you love me." Reno threw his arm around Rude's shoulder and
handed him his phone. "Deal."
"Not that much, get off me!"
Rude took the phone and began typing the message.
Reno tried to
look at the phone but Rude held up his finger to hold his partner
back. "Don't throw me off track here."
"You realise
there's something very wrong with their relationship." Elena
looked at Tseng who simply smiled and nodded.
"Thank you."
Reno said with some relief as the phone was handed back to him.
After about ten minutes or so the phone Reno had come to dread buzzed into life. He looked at it with a certain amount of scepticism.
No hard feelings Reno. U're a terrific
guy
and no doubt 1 of these days U'll
meet someone U won't mind
giving up
the comforts of single life for. C U
around I guess
x
Reno stared at the phone quite dumb struck then at
Rude.
"Thanks for understanding." The skinhead prompted the
correct response.
"How do you do it?" The redhead gaped.
"If
I told you that I'd be stuck on that steak-out next week alone."
Rude winked.
"I love you." Reno threw his arms around his
partner.
"Reno we really have to talk about this gay vibe that
alcohol seems to bring out in you." Rude brushed the redhead off
him.
"Karaoke?" Reno composed himself and brushed himself
down.
"I draw the line there." Rude stood up. "My work here
is done."
"No it's not, you have to get him home," Tseng
gestured to Reno as he addressed Rude. "We're not commissioned
for that kind of work and I'm in no state to drag his arse back to
your place."
"Come on Rude, one more round?" Reno looked up
at his partner.
"I'm not commissioned to deal with you
throwing up in the taxi mate, go now or you're on your own." The
skinhead informed his partner.
"Karaoke it is then!" The
redhead said brightly as he slapped the table and stood up.
"You're
DVDs went missing two days ago." Rude curled a sly smile.
"Ah
but I got a secret stash in my room."
"You are so losing your
door mate." Rude stood up and waved a goodbye to his
workmates.
"Rude, my door is the only thing keeping you on the
straight side of raging homosexual." Reno saluted and
followed.
"You're not my type." The skinhead said as he held
the door for his partner.
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself
that." Reno ducked under the arm and stumbled out into the
night.
"Remind me why they live together?" Elena
looked at Tseng."You kidding? If they didn't they'd be
unleashed upon society, and that wouldn't be pretty."
"This
way they're just unleashed on each other?"
"You get the
idea." Tseng winked.
"How do you do it?"
"Ah if I told
you that I'd have to be the one on stake-outs instead of those
two." The dark man smiled. "Excuse me a minute." He opened his
phone and listened to the ringing tones. "Hey Shinta, thanks lady.
I owe you one, yep worked like a dream. See you tomorrow." He
closed his phone and shrugged at Elena's shocked look.
"You're
basically a pimp aren't you?"
"Maybe, but now I don't have
to excuse Reno from steak outs or file any bogus reports confirming
that fact. He feels justified for the job he did, Rude will sing
karaoke tonight and the president's fridge will be back tomorrow,
intact."
"And their computers being set to wing bats font
throughout the system so they can't do any work?"
"Tech
support has already corrected the problem, I set up Shinta with
Marlo; she's fancied him for ages and he really needs to get out
more. Why do you think she's up so late?"
"How did…?"
Elena ran her hand through her bobbed hair quite surprised at the
side she was seeing in her boss.
"You'd be surprised how a
simple date can shunt you to the top of the work list in tech
support, those guys don't get out much." Tseng finished his drink
and stood up.
"Remind me never to go up against you Boss."
"It's
a given, and if those two ever figure that out I might actually get
some work done instead of having to cover their arses all the time."
He held out his hand for Elena. "Come on, I have a limo driver
waiting who owes me a favour, I'll drop you at home."
What
else could Elena do but accept and wonder what cheque this would
balance for her boss?
The end.
