This is slash (C/R), if you don't like the idea please don't read it and get offended. No offence is meant. Thanks to fh20s for being my beta.

No copyright infringement intended.

Insecurities

by Roa1

Richard pressed the button for the fourth floor and leaned against the wall of the lift. He'd just got into London from Cambridge, where he'd been attending a conference on encryption. He was supposed to have been staying there for a further two days but Tremayne had called to tell him he was needed in Panama. Craig would be arriving in London that evening and the plan was for them to fly out to Tocumen airport together the following day. So Richard had packed up and hopped on the train. All the way down he'd been thinking about seeing his friend again. It had only been five weeks since the night Craig had confessed his feelings and Richard had missed him terribly while he was away from Geneva. He'd even resorted to calling the American on the phone and that wasn't like him; he hated telephones. His fellow agent would be arriving at the hotel in about five hours time and Richard was already getting excited. Technically they weren't on a mission yet so it wouldn't matter too much if they didn't get a lot of sleep before flying out to Panama. He shifted slightly as his trousers became a little tighter than normal. Five hours, that seemed like an awfully long time to wait.

As the doors opened he stepped out of the lift and turned left. 'This is going to be interesting', he thought as he rang the doorbell. While he waited, his mind drifted away to what he'd like to be getting up to that night with Craig. He shook his head. Maybe now was not the best time to be thinking about that. The door opened.

"Hello handsome," said the man standing inside. He was about Richard's height, blond and undeniably good-looking.

The Nemesis agent smiled and walked in. The moment the door closed the other man crushed him against the wall and kissed him. Without thinking Richard responded. For a few seconds he was working on automatic. He was turned on, from thinking about Craig, and this was what always happened when he visited Mike. For the briefest of moments it seemed normal because up to now it had been but, as soon as he realised what he was doing, Richard was horrified. He put his hands on Mike's chest and pushed him backwards.

"Shit, sorry no," he gasped. "We need to talk."

"Oh?"

"It's just...well..." he started smiling and was worried Mike might be a bit annoyed by this. Still he couldn't help the grin spreading across his face.

"Oh my God!" Mike exclaimed.

"What?" Richard replied, a little concerned about what Mike was thinking.

"You didn't?" the other man continued. "You didn't catch Mr Straight Straighter than Straight?"

Richard laughed and nodded, hardly believing it himself. Before he had time to say anything Mike stepped forward, hugged him tightly and lifted him off his feet.

"Good for you!"

"Put me down, Mike."

"Oh all right." He let Richard go. "But what am I supposed to do now?" He glanced down meaningfully.

"Sorry about that."

"Well you could have warned me, I was looking forward to a nice bit of stress relief." Mike winked at him.

Richard shook his head, still smiling.

"You could always offer me a drink," he suggested.

"I suppose so you big tease." Mike walked into his living room and poured a whisky. "You see, I got your favourite."

"Cheers," Richard said as he raised his glass, then he sat down in one of the comfortable leather chairs.

"Bloody hell mate," Mike continued. "I thought you were barking up the wrong tree with that Yank."

"So did I, but eventually he couldn't resist."

"You drugged him didn't you?"

"I'm not going to dignify that with a reply."

"No, I'm pleased for you. Amazing, Craig 'sex-on-a-stick' Stirling." Mike shook his head.

"I don't remember using those exact words," Richard replied.

"You didn't have to; I knew you had it bad. You still do by the look of you."

Richard grinned inanely and tried to cover it by taking a sip of his drink.

"So, once more for old time's sake?" Mike asked with a smirk.

"No! Jesus, Mike."

"Thought I'd ask."

The Nemesis man smiled in response. Mike was a great guy and he was amazing in bed but Richard had no interest in casual sex any more. He just wanted to get back to his hotel room and wait for Craig to show up.

"I, er..." Richard began. "Look, I turned up in person because I'm not sure it's a good idea if we see each other at all...for a bit."

"He's the jealous type?"

"No, I don't think so. Well, I don't know really, but this is all new for him, I think he might feel a bit threatened. I'm sure that in a few months time things will have settled down and after that, if you want, we can go out for a drink. Just a drink though."

"Understood." Mike held his hands up in surrender. "That would be great

"Fantastic! God it's nice to talk to somebody about this. Sharron knows but I don't think it's fair to keep going on about it. And I can't talk to anybody else; I don't think it'd go down too well. And Craig certainly doesn't want people to know. He's finding it hard enough as it is, I think, worrying about his manhood."

"Good God Richard, what have you done to it?"

Richard laughed. This was good. He'd talked to Sharron a little bit but he didn't like to push it, considering her history and the fact that she worked with both of them. Besides this was different, Mike understood what he was talking about. Three years earlier Richard had told him about his feelings for Craig because he'd desperately needed to talk to somebody about it. It was just after Tibet and Richard had been paranoid that Craig would find out how he felt. He couldn't go into the particulars with Mike but he had been a great help because he too had alienated a few friends over the years by being a little too honest about his feelings for them. He also understood Richard's need to talk now, patiently listening while he babbled away. It was just that Richard found it so hard sometimes. He wanted to stand on top of the UN building and shout across Geneva that he was in love with the most incredible guy on Earth. That, he suspected, might not be too popular so he contented himself with giving Mike a blow-by-blow account.

Richard hated to think that he might have to give up seeing Mike completely. Despite the fact that their meetings had been infrequent, it'd been nice knowing that somebody understood what he was going through. It had also been a relatively safe way of dealing with Richard's alternative lifestyle despite the fact that, in the early years, they could have been arrested. Most importantly, Mike lived away from Switzerland and knew nothing of his lover's work. Sometimes Geneva seemed like a very small place and the Nemesis man tended to only date girls in his hometown. He was reasonably sure that Craig would eventually be OK with the occasional meeting between Mike and himself, as friends, especially if they let the American tag along at first. Richard didn't want his lover to feel like he had a rival. Craig never reacted well to competition.

After a second drink Richard looked at his watch and was astounded to see that two hours had passed.

"Good grief, I'd better be off."

"Well it's been great seeing you, if a little frustrating," Mike replied.

"Oh I'm sure you'll work something out," Richard said as he walked to the door.

"You know me. Never alone long." The blond smiled as he followed him.

Richard turned when he reached the door.

"Well, I'll be seeing you," he said.

"Hopefully."

"Nah, it'll be fine."

"That's why you turned up though, just in case it's not?"

The Nemesis man shrugged.

"It would have seemed rude to have just phoned," he explained.

"You're such a well brought up lad," Mike replied. "Have fun tonight, I'll be thinking of you."

Richard didn't know quite how to take that.

"And if that straight boy lets you down I'll come round and punch his lights out, all right?"

Richard couldn't help smiling as he imagined how that would go.

"Bye, Mike."

"So long," his friend replied as he kissed the Nemesis man on the cheek.

Mike held the door open and Richard left. By the time he was in the lift the only thing on his mind was how terribly long three hours seemed and how excited he was to be seeing Craig after four days away from him. He shook his head, slightly embarrassed at how pathetic that sounded in his head. As the lift descended he broke into a dopey smile, which caused a few stares when he walked out of the lift into the street and hailed a taxi.

Twenty minutes later he walked into his hotel, bounded up the stairs and made his way to his room. He put the key in the lock and opened the door, thinking about how he'd pass the time until Craig showed up.

"Hello."

Richard jumped.

"Jesus, Craig!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

His friend looked a little put out.

"I thought you might be pleased to see me."

"I am," Richard replied, walking over to his lover and slipping his arms around his waist. "I was just surprised." He kissed him lightly on the lips. "A nice surprise though."

"It didn't look like a nice surprise."

"I just thought my room was being ransacked, or I was being kidnapped. It has been known to happen." He kissed Craig again, more deeply this time, running his hands up his friend's back. Then he pulled away and broke into a broad grin. "A very nice surprise."

"Well, I managed to get an earlier flight and I've been thinking, we're not technically on the mission yet. So..." Craig smiled meaningfully and left Richard in no doubt about his plans for the evening.

"Good thinking," Richard replied as he ran his fingers up Craig's chest. He slowly looped his hand around his lover's tie and pulled gently until their lips touched. He held on tight as he sucked Craig's lower lip into his mouth. "I suppose," he said between kisses, "I can read the brief on the plane."

"Check," the American replied as he planted a kiss on his friend's cheek. "Say where were you anyway?"

Richard's heart rate rose a fraction.

"Out," he replied. He decided to stick as close to the truth as possible. "I went to see a friend."

"Anyone I know?" Craig asked as he kissed his lover's neck.

"No I don't think so." Richard bent his head to nibble on Craig's ear, hoping to distract him from this line of questioning. He decided to change the subject.

"Do you want to get some dinner?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could.

"Haven't you eaten already?"

"Er no, just a drink."

The American pulled his head back and looked quizzically at his friend.

"Why are you so tense?"

"I'm not tense."

Craig kneaded the muscles in his lover's back.

"I beg to differ," he said.

Richard did his best to relax but he didn't like where this conversation was heading.

"So, did you go somewhere trendy?"

"No," Richard replied, feeling his heart rate speed up again. "I went round to my friend's."

Craig frowned.

"Why are you nervous?" he asked.

"I'm not; I'm excited to see you."

"I can tell the difference between nervous and excited, Richard."

"I'm..." Richard searched for something to say. "I was wondering what this mission is all about."

"Since when did that make you nervous?"

Richard leaned in to kiss his friend's throat, trying to buy some time. He needed to think of an explanation and silently cursed the fact that he couldn't really lie to Craig. Sometimes lying was a whole lot easier on everybody.

The American stepped back, staring at Richard intently.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"What?"

"You're being evasive," Craig continued.

"No I'm..."

"You're all wound up."

"Craig..." Richard looked away. Then belatedly realised that was a mistake.

"A friend from school?"

"No."

"What then?"

"A friend. Jesus, what is this? I do have friends you know," Richard replied defensively.

"Why did you look so shocked to see me?"

"Craig, I've had enough of this."

"What sort of friend, Richard?"

"Just a friend."

Craig didn't say anything. Richard tried to maintain eye contact but he knew that the American would know he was lying. His heart was racing, his muscles tense. He could feel Craig's grip on his arms and suddenly he wanted to get away from him.

"Let's go and get something to eat," Richard suggested.

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not..."

"What sort of a friend?" Craig repeated, his grip tightening fractionally.

Richard didn't know what to say. It was obvious his lover knew he was lying but he didn't want to tell him the truth.

"I, er..." he stammered.

"What the hell?"

"He used to be more than a friend, all right," Richard blurted out, realising he couldn't get out of this one.

"Used to be?" Craig replied, his anger rising. "Till when?"

"Look, I went round there to tell him it was over."

"Tonight?" the American asked harshly. "You broke up with him tonight?"

"Craig..."

"Get out!"

Craig pushed him backwards.

"Please listen..."

"You've been seeing someone while you were with me?" the American continued as he advanced on his friend.

"No, it's nothing like that," Richard replied, his hands held up in front of him, desperate to placate his lover.

In one stride Craig stood toe to toe with him.

"So, did anything happen tonight?" he asked quietly.

"No, of course not," Richard replied hoping to God his own body wouldn't betray him, but he couldn't prevent his heart rate rising or the panic stricken look in his eyes. Craig stared at him for what felt like an eternity.

"You're lying," he yelled as he grabbed Richard by the arm and forced him towards the door. He had yanked it open and shoved his friend through before the other man could react. By the time Richard got over the shock he heard the key turn in the lock.

"Craig!" He hammered on the door. "Craig, let me in!"

He banged on the door a few more times.

"Craig, please!"

Then, just down the corridor, a door opened. A man stood there glaring at him.

"Will you bloody well shut up!" the man shouted.

"Sorry," Richard answered. "Sorry, I'll keep it down."

"You'd better," the man muttered as he closed the door.

Richard knocked more quietly.

"Craig please, I can explain." He waited but there was no response. "I can't explain through the door," he said in a low voice, uncertain about whether his friend was prepared to listen to what he had to say.

"Craig," he pleaded.

"Oi!"

Richard turned to find a very large, broad man standing behind him. He was wearing a t-shirt and pyjama bottoms.

"I've got to be up early," the man growled. "You woke me up."

"I'm sorry."

"Who was it, Harry?" A woman had appeared in the open door behind the man.

"This little pillock."

"I'm sorry," Richard replied. "I don't want any trouble."

"Well, you've got some."

"What's going on?" the first man had reappeared.

"This guy's causing trouble," Harry replied, taking a step towards the Nemesis man.

"No, really I..." Richard backed up.

"Maybe we should call the manager?" the other man suggested.

"I don't think we need to do that," said Richard, trying to calm the situation down.

Harry had clearly underestimated him but Richard didn't want a fight. He could handle two of them but if anybody else decided to take an interest that might make things difficult.

"Sir, I'll just go," he replied, his back against the door.

"You ain't going anywhere." The man looked behind Richard for a moment. "I heard you. Are you some sort of a fairy?"

"What?"

"Knock his teeth in," the woman encouraged.

"Look..." Richard continued.

"Filthy little pervert," Harry growled as he made a grab for the Nemesis man.

Pressed up against the door Richard was trying to fend off the man when it opened behind him and he fell backwards into Craig's chest.

"What the hell did you say?" the American shouted.

Harry seemed to be having second thoughts about the fight as he realised the odds had changed. Craig stepped forward aggressively but Richard hastily pushed his lover backwards into the room and slammed the door behind them. The American was obviously spoiling for a fight as he stalked away frustrated, then back again.

"Thanks," Richard said quietly.

And then Craig punched him. Richard never saw it coming. His head snapped round and the next thing he was on the floor, his back against the door.

"Don't talk to me!" Craig yelled down at him.

"I can..."

"Don't you dare talk to me!"

There was a banging at the door behind him.

"I'll call the manager," Harry threatened from the other side. "They don't let your sort in here!"

Craig glared at the door, briefly down at Richard and then walked away. He sat on the end of the bed facing away from him and stared at the floor. The silence dragged on. Richard desperately tried to keep control of his emotions. He could feel the waves of anger and despair coming from his friend. Richard put his hand to his lip and realised he was bleeding. This was spiralling out of control. He desperately needed his friend to understand but first he had to wait for him to calm down. Right now he couldn't begin to guess what Craig would do next; storm out, yell at him, hit him again?

Richard's head dropped still further, how had it got this bad so quickly? He kept replaying in his mind the moment when Craig had punched him, each time he was as shocked as the first time it had happened. But he supposed he deserved it, he'd been a bloody idiot. He'd lied to his lover, hurt him, even though that had been the last thing he'd wanted. And then that bastard outside had made matters worse. Richard had felt the anger flare in Craig when the door had opened and he'd known that his lover would pulverise the man if he could.

At first Richard had thought that his friend was intent on defending him but now he realised that was only part of it. More importantly, Craig had finally been faced with the harsh realities of the world. While Richard had only rarely had to deal with that sort of attitude in the past this hadn't been the first time he had got into a fight with somebody who didn't appreciate his choice of lover.

Craig, on the other hand, was still coming to terms with the fact that he was in love with a man, never mind having to cope with other people's reaction to that. Richard could hardly blame his friend for being upset; he knew that the American was struggling to deal with their relationship and what that meant to him. Craig had always seemed so very heterosexual, and Richard was sure that his lover had never considered that he could be anything else. It was hard to put himself in Craig's place except for the fact that he could read him so well now and could sense the uncertainty and fear within his friend.

Richard sighed quietly. Unfortunately this new development wasn't helping to solve the immediate problem, how to persuade Craig that he'd never meant to deceive him. He needed Craig to listen to him. He looked at his friend's back. The American seemed a little calmer now so Richard decided he had to try to sort this out.

"Craig, it's not what you're thinking," he began.

His friend didn't reply, he merely got up, took hold of Richard's bag and hurled it at him. Richard put up his hands as it hit him.

"Why don't you go stay with your friend!" Craig's voice was cold and quiet now.

Richard didn't move, he didn't want to leave, but it was becoming apparent that his lover didn't want to talk just yet.

Craig threw himself on the bed and lay down facing the far wall. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence he angrily got up again and threw open a cupboard above the wardrobe. A moment later Richard realised what the other man was doing when he dumped a pillow and spare blanket on the floor and got back into the bed.

It suddenly hit Richard how badly he'd screwed this up. He'd been trying so hard to avoid this exact scenario and it was even worse than he'd imaged because now he'd lied to his friend. He could feel the cold depression settling over the American, it nicely matched his own. The last thing he'd wanted to do was hurt Craig and that's exactly what he'd done. He sat on the floor with his head in his hands, his throat constricting painfully as he tried to swallow down the feelings that kept building and building.

He needed to make the American understand but he didn't think he could speak. Richard took a deep breath, trying to calm down, fighting the rising wave of panic and despair.

"Craig, let me explain. Please."

His friend pulled the sheets over his head.

"I know you can hear me," the Englishman continued, attempting to keep his voice steady. "So I'll just go ahead."

Richard paused for a moment, trying to steady his nerves. It had to be the truth now; there was no getting around it no matter how much it hurt both of them.

"About five years ago Tremayne sent us to Rio. We'd finished the mission and were flying back the next day. We spent the evening in the hotel bar. You said you were tired. I said I'd stay for another drink. I'll admit that was because I'd noticed this guy looking at me all night and I...well...anyway, we had a drink and went back to his room." He took another deep breath. "It turned out he lived in London and we agreed that whenever I was in town with some spare time, if I fancied a drink or...er...something, I'd give him a call. So I did, but only maybe three or four times a year, at most. In between times we didn't keep in touch, it wasn't like that. We'd go out for dinner or a drink, have sex. It was fun. Craig, you're a bloke, you must have had casual sex before. I was never in love with him, nothing like that, it was just..." Richard's voice trailed away, he didn't really want to continue but he knew he had to. He took a quick breath.

"This was the first time I'd had the opportunity to talk to him since you and I got together," he continued. "I was going to a couple of weeks ago when I had those four days leave but then you took time off yourself and suggested we went up in to the mountains and that sounded like more fun. Besides, how was I going to explain why I would rather spend the time in London, particularly as I'd made it clear I wasn't doing anything important? I should have told you about him before, I realise that because now I've made it worse, but I didn't know how you'd react. I...er...I didn't tell you, but not for the reasons you're thinking. I..." his voice gave out again. This was what he'd avoided saying since he'd started dating Craig. He knew his friend wouldn't want to hear it, but it was a lot better than what he was currently thinking. He steeled himself for a possible bad reaction.

"The first night we were together you were shocked I'd had any experience with other men. Hardly surprising really, why would I mention it? Then a week or so later you asked me some questions in a roundabout sort of way but I knew what you were getting at, you wanted to know how much experience I'd had. The only time I ever asked anybody that was my first proper girlfriend. She was, let's say, a lot less innocent than I was at the time. I was feeling...insecure, like I was doing it wrong, it was rubbish, she was comparing me to the others. You were asking me the same sort of questions that I asked her. You see, you didn't ask me how many women I'd slept with, just men. I thought if you knew I had this...thing...with Mike, you'd come to the conclusion that you probably have come to tonight. That if I met up with the same guy periodically for five years, just for...er...sex, then there had to be a reason I kept going back. And I'll be honest, there was, what's the point in lying? The sex was great. But I knew that would make you feel terrible; like you couldn't compete with that but you're wrong. You've already won. With you it's the best it's ever been because of how I feel about you. It's always better when you have feelings for the other person and it's never been as good as this because...because I've never felt like this before. I thought you knew that. I can't believe you'd think that the moment you turned your back I'd go off with somebody else, I've never been like that." Richard stopped again so he could get himself back under control. It hurt that Craig seemed to have so little faith in him, that he could ever think that of him.

"Nothing happened, Craig," he went on. "I walked in and he kissed me, he took me by surprise. And I admit I kissed him back for an instant and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I'd been thinking about you all day so I was...well, I was in a vulnerable state, let's put it that way." He paused. "I'm sorry Craig, I didn't mean to. I stopped him and told him we had to talk. And he was pleased for me. He knows I've fancied you forever; that I've sat around for years hoping that you'd feel the same way. It was great to talk about you to somebody who really gets it. I spent the entire time telling him how great you are. Still, he asked me if I wanted to have one more, you know, for old times' sake, but I said no. Not because I thought you'd find out, not because I'd feel like shit or because I'd be thinking of you the whole time, but because I didn't want to. All I wanted to do was get back here to wait for you to arrive because I'd prefer just to lie next to you, knowing you're there..." his voice cracked again and he suddenly realised he was crying. He wiped his eyes harshly with the heel of his palm and continued. "I'd rather just lie next to you than be doing anything with somebody else...anything. Even now, I'd prefer to be here than anywhere else. I'm sorry Craig. I'm sorry I hurt you; that I've screwed this up. I didn't mean to, I tried so hard not to. I didn't want you to know that I knew how insecure you were feeling. I didn't..." his throat seized up. He swallowed rapidly, staring at the carpet. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me, I can't stand this. I don't want you to hate me."

He looked up when he heard the sheets being pulled back. The bed creaked as Craig got up. The American walked towards him, his eyes a little red, looking wretched. Richard didn't move as Craig knelt beside him, grabbed his lapels and kissed him. It was a hard, desperate kiss. Richard's split lip hurt but he didn't care. Both of them were shaking by the time it became tender, slow.

"I'm sorry," Richard mumbled.

"No...I'm...sorry," Craig responded, kissing him between each word. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," Richard replied, feeling his jaw. "You don't hit that hard."

"Liar," Craig said with the slightest of smiles. "I really wanted to hit that guy outside but...you were nearer."

"I have the feeling you rather wanted to hit us both."

Craig looked a little guilty and then he stared at the floor. He hesitated, unsure of himself. "You're right...about how I've been feeling. I keep thinking you must find me a bit boring."

"What?"

"That I should, you know...I keep thinking you're disappointed I don't, you know, do more...like...reciprocate."

Richard frowned for a moment, then figured out what his lover meant.

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied. "I never thought you'd ever even kiss me, never mind anything else. Up till five weeks ago you were straight, very straight, what did you think I'd expect?"

Craig shrugged.

"Don't you dare ever do anything because you think you should," Richard continued. "I do things because I want to, not because I want you to do them in return."

"You can't pretend you don't want me to."

"Of course I do, but not if you don't want to."

"I want to," Craig replied.

"You're just saying that."

"No, I've been thinking about it for a while and I want to."

And Richard knew he was telling the truth. He couldn't help breaking into a smile.

"I knew you wanted me to," Craig said, returning the smile.

"You don't have anything to prove."

"I know," the American replied as he got up and pulled his friend after him.

They ripped a few buttons off on their way to the bed, Richard's trousers were still round his thighs when his friend pushed him backwards on to the mattress. Craig yanked down his lover's underwear, removed his ripped shirt and lowered himself on top of him. Richard couldn't believe his luck as he tore his friend's clothes off him. The American had never really taken the initiative before and, while he enjoyed taking the lead, he also loved this. He lay back, feeling Craig's lips play over his stomach, his hands stroking his sides, his nipples. He felt his lover's tongue tease him, moving lower, stroking across his hip, his thigh and finally his balls and he thought his head would explode.

Richard grabbed a pillow and jammed it over his mouth for fear of upsetting the neighbours again. Craig was sucking gently on his balls as he ran his hand firmly up and down his cock and Richard was having trouble making this last. When the American swapped his hand for his mouth Richard thought he was going to pass out. He could feel his lover's tongue gently circling the head then his lips engulfing him over and over. He could hardly breathe as his lover's hands massaged his balls, stroking behind them as Richard opened his legs a fraction. He looked down, almost unable to believe this was happening and realised he was about to lose it.

"Craig, stop!" Richard gasped as he tried to pull his lover's head up.

But instead of stopping Craig sucked hard, taking as much of his friend as he could and Richard had to muffle the screams again.

When he'd finally calmed down he looked at his lover who was still kneeling, looking a little odd.

"Craig?"

His friend turned sharply away, spat and wiped his mouth. Richard burst out laughing, sat up and pulled Craig towards him.

"God I love you," Richard whispered as he held his lover's face in his hands.

"Sorry," mumbled Craig. "There was rather a lot."

Richard laughed as he kissed him.

"Well that was your fault," he replied, smiling. "That was amazing. And since you're probably wondering, I'm not surprised it took you a bit unawares. I really don't mind," he added seeing the worried look on Craig's face. "How could I? That was incredible."

"Yeah?"

"Hell yeah! Have you been taking notes?" Richard joked.

Craig smiled, which was a huge relief.

"Tell you what," Richard replied, rolling the other man on to his back. "We need to move on to the advanced course." He smiled wickedly and bent to kiss his friend's neck.

Craig lay back and closed his eyes. Richard kissed slowly down his lover's chest and fervently hoped that nobody had called the manager.