Impossible Things
"Harley, J, you're back," said Poison Ivy, looking up in surprise from her magazine as the Joker and Harley Quinn entered the Rec Room at Arkham Asylum. "I thought you were meant to be on vacation."
"We were," replied Joker. "We were taking the great American road trip, and it was absolutely incredible. Not only because we got to see so much of this beautiful country, but also because we never stayed long enough in one location for Batsy to be able to find us, or so I thought. But the guy really is the World's Greatest Detective sometimes, or at least the World's Greatest Stalker. I just dunno how he found us. We aways left the crime scenes in plenty of time. I don't understand," he sighed, sitting down on the sofa and holding his head in his hands.
"Aw, c'mon, puddin', it ain't so bad," cooed Harley, cuddling him. "We got most of the trip done anyhow. And we left our mark on most of the really important landmarks. I dunno how they're ever gonna scrub the smiles off the presidents at Mount Rushmore. Whenever people see that now, they're gonna think of you, puddin'."
"I guess," sighed Joker. "I just had so much more mayhem planned, Harl. But now we're stuck back in this dump, and I have to deal with the unsolved mystery of how Batsy was able to find us. I was so careful."
Harley kissed him tenderly and then turned to Ivy, beaming. "Did ya like the postcard I sent from the Everglades, Red? You shoulda seen all the plants there, it was just…"
"Postcard?" repeated Joker, raising his head. "You sent Pammie a postcard?"
"I sent everyone a postcard, Mr. J," said Harley, nodding. "Just wanted our friends locked up in here to know we were thinking about them. Red got one from the Everglades in Florida, Harvey got one from Twin Lakes in Minnesota, Johnny Crane got one from Tombstone, Arizona…"
"You sent postcards to Arkham revealing our location?" interrupted Joker. "And you didn't think that might allow the staff here to track us, and to tell a certain Bat person where we were at any given time?"
"Well, yeah, but they were addressed to the inmates, Mr. J, so it was kinda illegal for the staff to read them and all…"
"You stupid, idiotic, useless waste of space!" shouted Joker, suddenly furious. "No wonder Bats was able to find us! We're back here because of you, you dumb blonde!"
"Look, if us getting caught and locked up again is the price we have to pay to show our friends we care, then I'm happy to pay it!" snapped Harley.
"And I'm happy to make you pay by beating your face into the ground!" shouted Joker, rushing at her. The guards were on him before he reached Harley, and managed to drag him off, still yelling and cursing at her.
"I dunno why he's in such a bad mood," said Harley, shrugging. "I guess everyone's always a little upset at the end of a vacation."
She looked around the room at her fellow inmates and smiled when she saw Jervis Tetch playing a game of chess with Jonathan Crane. "Hi, Jervis!" she said, coming over to him and beaming. "I got you a postcard, but the Bat caught us before I could send it to you, so I thought I'd give it to you myself," she said, handing him a picture of the Mad Tea Party ride at Disneyland. "I didn't get a chance to write anything on the back – the Bat wouldn't give me a pen when I asked him for one. I think he thought I was gonna stab him with it or something. He's a pretty mistrustful guy. But you can just write your own message from me."
"Oh…thank you, Harley, that's very thoughtful," said Tetch sincerely.
"See, it's even got Alice in one of them," said Harley, pointing to a girl in a costume waving from one of the teacups.
"You know, she looks nothing like my Alice," murmured Tetch thoughtfully. "But then I suppose not everyone can be Alice. I suppose there is only one real Alice, and she can never be replaced. At least not in my heart."
"Aw, you're such a sweet romantic, Jervis!" sighed Harley. "Just like Mr. J. There's only one dame for him too, and that's his Harley girl. And I'm sure once he calms down and stops wanting to kill me, he'll show me just how much he cares."
She skipped off happily. Tetch stared after her, shaking his head. "Have you moved yet, Jonathan?" he asked Crane.
"Patience is a virtue, and essential to victory in chess," retorted Crane, staring intently at the pieces, as he had been for a good ten minutes now. Tetch sighed, and returned his attention to the postcard. But he had replaced the girl in the costume with his Alice, the real Alice, the one and only Alice.
Tetch had lost his mind when his secretary, Alice Pleasance, with whom he was madly in love, had become engaged to her fiance, now husband, Billy Dodgson. Acting out of heartbreak and madness, Tetch had kidnapped both her and Billy, using his mind control to manipulate them, until Batman put a stop to it. He had never stopped loving Alice, but he realized now how selfish his love had been then, to keep her from the man she loved. A few years had passed since then, and Tetch had come to accept her relationship with Billy, and even give it his blessing. And they had both forgiven him and visited him frequently in Arkham. Except they hadn't lately.
This had worried Tetch, and for a few weeks he had been seized with a panic that they wouldn't return, that he would be abandoned and alone again. But he had received a letter from Alice soon after apologizing for their absence, and saying that "a particularly wonderful thing has kept us from visiting, but the next time we see you, we'll have a surprise for you."
Tetch had wondered what this particularly wonderful thing was, but honestly had no clue. And so he tried to wait patiently for Alice's return, but he was by nature an impatient man. And Crane's turn had taken long enough.
"Just move your knight," Tetch said, nodding. "It will ensure my victory in three moves instead of six."
"And why would I wish to ensure your victory?" retorted Crane.
"Because it is inevitable," said Tetch. "I analyzed all potential moves in a matter of seconds, and it is quite impossible for you to win this game."
"What are you always saying, Jervis?" asked Crane. "Believe in six impossible things before breakfast?"
"It is after breakfast," retorted Tetch. "And it is quite nonsensical to believe in six impossible things before lunch."
Crane sighed. "Fine," he snapped, moving the knight.
"Ahoy, ahoy, check," said Tetch, smugly, moving his own knight to check Crane's king.
"Jervis? You have visitors," said Dr. Leland, entering the room at that moment.
Tetch beamed. "I presume it is Alice. But she's terribly late, you know. I must not be too hard on her, however. She has kept her word and returned, after all. And one can forgive tardiness with a valid reason."
"Yes, it is…a valid reason," said Dr. Leland, nodding. "If you'll accompany me to the visiting room."
"Don't touch the board, Jonathan, I'll know," said Tetch. "And I wish to savor my victory. It is shaping up to be quite a wonderful day," he sighed, leaving the room with Dr. Leland.
"I'm not playing chess with him any more," muttered Crane, picking up his book and scowling.
"I hate to have to even mention this, Jervis, but there are guards standing by in case of…erratic behavior from you," said Dr. Leland, slowly. "I trust you, of course, but I'm just not sure how you'll react to…this."
"To what?" asked Tetch, puzzled.
"You'll see," she said, holding open the door to the visiting room.
Tetch saw Alice's smiling face and beamed at her, nodding civilly at Billy. He suddenly looked down into Alice's arms and saw that she was holding a tiny bundle. A tiny bundle with a face.
"Good…Lord," he stammered, as the baby stirred and opened its wide, blue eyes to gaze at Tetch.
"Jervis, this is our daughter, Catherine," said Alice, smiling lovingly at the baby. "Catherine Alice Dodgson. I wanted you to be one of the first to meet her."
"Oh," stammered Tetch. "Oh…Alice."
He was lost for words, staring at the baby with adoration in his eyes. Eyes that filled with tears as he looked at the peaceful, innocent face smiling up at him. "Oh, she's beautiful," he whispered. He turned to Dr. Leland. "May I…"
"The guards are standing by," repeated Dr. Leland, opening the door that separated the visiting room from the rest of the asylum.
Tetch came closer to the baby, who began to gurgle happily, holding out her arms to him. "Would you like to hold her, Jervis?" asked Alice.
"Oh, I…I would be afraid of breaking her," he gasped. "She's so tiny…I would be afraid of her turning into a pig, although she's far too beautiful for that…"
Alice smiled, and handed him the baby. Tetch held her tenderly, as the tears streamed down his cheeks. "Hello, little Alice," he whispered, kissing her forehead gently.
"Billy and I were hoping you'd like to be her godfather," said Alice, taking Billy's hand.
"I…am not worthy of such an honor," gasped Tetch. "I'm not worthy to even be holding…such perfection…"
The baby giggled, and then put her thumb in her mouth, and began sucking it contentedly. "She's…absolutely miraculous," he whispered.
"We think so too," said Alice, smiling at Billy. "Will you consider being her godfather? It would mean so much to both of us."
"I don't have to consider…I would be honored," stammered Tetch. "It's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me," he whispered, gazing from the baby to her. "Thank you."
Alice smiled at him. "We'll visit again soon," she said as he handed the baby back to her. "And we'll bring Catherine. But maybe someday she can…see you without being surrounded by bars?"
Tetch nodded slowly in resolution. "Yes," he said, firmly. "Yes. This changes everything, Alice. I…I never had a reason to be cured before. This asylum was as good a place to be as any. But now there is a reason to be out of it. I…will no longer be the Mad Hatter. I will no longer be anything but godfather to this child, and friend to you both."
Alice beamed. "That's wonderful to hear, Jervis," she whispered. "I know you can do it."
She hugged him tightly. "Say bye bye, Catherine," she said, taking the baby's tiny hand and waving it. Tetch waved at them until they were out of sight, and then strode back to the Rec Room without another word.
"As you can see, Jervis, I didn't touch any of the pieces…" began Crane, but Tetch wasn't listening, taking his king and laying it down.
"You win, Jonathan," he said. "The game doesn't matter anymore."
"What?" asked Crane, puzzled. "What are you taking about?"
"You will forgive me, Jonathan, but I have to go to my cell," he murmured. "There are things to do."
"Jervis? Is everything all right? Jervis?" called Crane after him, but Tetch ignored him. He entered his cell and reached under the bed, pulling out a top hat and several mind control hat cards. He abruptly smashed these, and stomped on the hat. He pulled down the pictures from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland from the wall and ripped them up into tiny pieces, and then he grabbed his tea set and abruptly smashed cups, saucers, plates, and all. He took Harley's postcard, looked at it for a moment, and then put it on the nightstand, with the picture hidden from view. The reverse side was blank, and Tetch found a pen and wrote: The Mad Hatter is dead. Long live Jervis Tetch, godfather to Catherine Alice Dodgson.
"That is who I am from now on," he murmured. "That is all I will be. And it is more than I ever hoped for."
