I couldn't get this out of my head, so here it is. Unlike many, I haven't hated Bellamy's arc this season (not to say I love it either). I can see where many have problems with it and I'm not going to argue against that view point. That said, I think Bellamy does a hell of a lot of compartmentalizing and that it's finally come and bit him in the ass.
So here's my version of Bellamy's odyssey to rescue Kane and find redemption before it's too late. Hope you enjoy.
Compartmentalization - com·part·men·tal·i·za·tion, noun: An unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
Part 1: Break
Cold, paralyzing terror tore through him, freezing his blood. The hot rage that had burned so long beneath his skin had extinguished, eclipsed by the cold, driven out by the words echoing through his mind. Sentence you to death.
Somewhere beyond the throbbing in his head, Bellamy could hear Monty's heavy breaths beside him, each inhalation another stone atop his chest. Without the simmering rage, his constant companion from the moment they set foot on this cursed ground, or perhaps even before that, from his days of solitude on the Ark where he prayed for his sister's survival, he was nothing. He was nothing without that fire in his veins, that burn in his heart. The knowledge that while he might not be good, he was right.
Monty's tense voice cut through his chaos. "What about Miller and Harper?"
Bellamy swallowed, his throat burning with doubt. They were his people. His people from long before the stations fell to the ground and joined this eternal war. His responsibility, he realized with a shuddering breath. He slid his eyes to Monty, determination building within him. He would not betray his people.
Monty's mother appeared before them, a hollow soul with fire for eyes and acid for lungs. Bellamy could see that now, the stench of her washing over him as she congratulated them.
"Were you able to identify anyone Kane was working with?"
Her voice grated against his ears and he strained to maintain a neutral expression. She was a viper waiting to strike and he would not tempt her. "No."
Her eyes flashed as he stared into their ebony depths. Bellamy looked away too soon, not knowing how to keep from lashing out, needing to maintain his cool. She'd wanted to float Sinclair. She'd wanted to bring the hell that was the Ark down to the Earth. No matter what he knew about the Grounders, no matter how they twisted his sinews with rage, he knew the Ark had been worse. It had taken his mother, his sister. It had taken its own.
The silence stretched a beat too long, but Monty did not object to Bellamy's denial, instead shaking his head, lips sealed. Bellamy released the breath he'd been holding. After all the hardened woman before them was Monty's mother and Bellamy had not been certain which side Monty would choose. But then again, the young man had voiced more concerns than Bellamy in the past few days. Even so, Bellamy knew the ties of blood were strong. Octavia's disapproving face flashed through his mind. Or were they? He swallowed again, fighting to pay attention to the dimly veiled threat emanating from Hannah.
"… make it clear to the people of Arkadia which side they should be on." She paused, her dark eyes boring into Bellamy. "It's not really that hard, choosing what's best for you people, is it?"
"No," he murmured, pushing the word out past his hammering heart. "I do it every day."
She held his gaze, searching for weakness. He gave her nothing, the rising tide of despair held in check for now. Only after her footsteps ceased to echo did he exhale, his shoulders shaking.
"I need to get out of here."
Monty's gaze snapped to him. "What?"
Bellamy's teeth ground together, a screech in his mind. "This is not happening."
Monty nodded. "Go to Miller. I'll get rid of the equipment we set up for the bug."
"Don't tell Bryan."
"You don't trust him?" Monty's tone betrayed no emotion, but Bellamy knew better.
"I want to, believe me. I know he felt bad about lying to Miller in the first place, but he's Farm Station." A month ago such an assentation would have been absurd. A month ago he was still burying his head in Gina's wild hair and thinking of another woman. His jaw clenched and he forced his thoughts in another, more immediate direction.
"Be quick," Monty warned, already turning away from him. "They're watching all of us."
Bellamy nodded, moving in the opposite direction. Alone again, the weight of Pike's words slammed back into him, stealing his breath away. He forced his lungs to inhale, ignoring the tremble of his lip and the scream of his heart.
He found Miller sitting next to Bryan and Harper, the fire dancing across their despondent faces. They knew. Miller's eyes locked on Bellamy as he approached, his boots crunching against the earth. The other man's gaze was accusing and Bellamy felt yet another stone crush his chest.
"I need a word with Miller." He paused, taking in Harper's barely disguised disgust. "Alone."
If Bryan was suspicious, he didn't show it. His eyes held only soft curiosity as Bellamy swept his gaze back to Miller. Good. One less complication.
"You don't…"
"It's fine, Harper," Miller interrupted, his tone as cold as the ice coating Bellamy's veins.
"Walk with me." Bellamy turned away, trusting Miller to follow as they he headed toward the shadows. They moved silently except for the occasional snap of a twig for several minutes until the lights of Arkadia were a mere smear in the night.
"I never pegged you for a coward before," Miller's caustic voice sliced through the darkness.
Bellamy spun to face him, eyes meeting Miller's steely gaze. "We don't have time for this. Not right now."
"So you admit you've fucked up."
Some of the fire rose once again within him, battling with the ice. "I am not apologizing for refusing to trust the grounders, Miller. They have done nothing but kill us and lie to us."
"But now you've gone and gotten Kane killed." Miller moved closer to him, his words a quiet hiss. "You arrogant fucking bastard."
Bellamy averted his eyes, having no response. He'd barely been able to make himself think it, let alone put it into words. His eyes burned and his vision swam, but he refused to surrender to the current of despair. This was his mess and he was going to fucking fix it, even if it killed him. "Call me whatever you want, Miller. We don't have time. I need to get out of here, to find Octavia and Clarke."
"Pike's going to know you've defected. It's all going to come apart the minute you leave."
"Then give me a better option."
They stood frozen, dark eyes dancing in feverish patterns before Miller let out a labored sigh. "I can't. We can cover for you as best we can… assuming Monty is with us now?" Bellamy gave a short nod. "Good. We'll manage. You need to talk to Abby. She'll know how to get you out."
"Abby?" Bellamy's face twisted in confusion. "She didn't even show up to advocate for Kane…"
"There are other things going on, Bellamy. Things I don't even begin to understand, but I know Abby's working a different angle." Miller paused, sliding his eyes in the direction of Arkadia's main buildings. "But if there's one person she'll fight for besides Clarke, it's Kane."
Bellamy took a deep breath, willing the trembling to fade from his limbs. Even though he'd pushed the unthinkable to the back of his mind, he understood what was at stake here. A metallic taste sprung up on his tongue and he turned away from Miller, desperate to act.
"Don't you fuck this up, Blake. Don't you dare." Miller's eyes still raged, but he no longer looked like he was mere moments away from homicide.
Bellamy tried to swallow around the rising lump in his throat.
"Don't worry. I know I can't."
