What is the story behind one of the many crimes that prevented Stan Pines from becoming mayor? What was the deal with the llama? This story fills in the gaps. All characters belong to Alex Hirsch, not me. (Rated T for llamacide.)

The Llama That Knew Too Much

A pickup truck pulled up to the Mystery Shack, with a llama in the truck bed. The truck was marked "Northwest Properties."

A young boy was nailing down a loose board on the porch leading into the gift shop.

"Young man, is Mr. Stanford Pines here?" asked the driver. "We have a delivery for him."

"Yessir, I'll get Mr. Pines. My name's Soos. I'm his handyman."

Soos walked into the gift shop.

"Mr. Pines, a guy from Northwest Properties has something for you," said Soos.

"If it's a summons, stall them while I hide," said Stan Pines.

"I think it's a llama," said Soos.

Stan marched outside to talk to the driver. "I didn't order a llama. And my mortgage is paid up-to-date."

"I know," said the driver. "In fact, it's overpaid because of a computer error. In compensation, the company would like to offer you this fine llama."

"If you owe me, then just gimme the money," said Stan.

"If we do that, we'll have to report it to the IRS. But if you take the llama, any money you make with it will be yours to report or not as you choose."

"I like that second way of thinking," said Stan. "Gimme the llama."

As the man began unloading the animal, Stan called, "Soos, I need a pen, stat. We're opening a petting zoo!"

"A petting zoo, Mr. Pines?" asked Soos.

"Yeah, we'll give Farmer Sprott some competition, maybe even drive him out of business" said Stan. "Our wax museum income is starting to fall off already; I need a new attraction."

"Won't a petting zoo need, like, more animals to pet than just the llama?" asked Soos.

"Right. When you finish the pen grab that baby goat that's been hanging around here and put it in, too," said Stan.

"That's two." said Soos. "Any more?"

"There's the baby gorilla," said Stan.

"But we don't have a baby gorilla," said Soos.

"That's you in a gorilla suit," said Stan.

"Wow, Mr. Pines, I've always dreamed of being a gorilla," said Soos. "Ook, ook, ook."

"That's the spirit, kid," said Stan. "But deeper on the ook, ook, ook."

"Ook, ook, ook," said Soos in a deeper voice.

"Better," said Stan. "Work on it."


Later, the three new attractions were alone in the pen, and no tourists were around. The baby goat (Soos had dubbed him "Gompers"), lowered his head to the ground and wrote a message in the dust with his longer horn.

The llama walked over and read the message, "HELP! BILL CIPHER PUT ME IN THIS BODY. I HAVE TO WARN YOU. MY REAL NAME IS..."

That was all the goat had written so far. Before Soos could come over and read it, the llama pushed the smaller animal aside and wiped out the message with his right hoof.