THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!
By: THE DAILY PROPHET
Written by: Colin Creevy
THE DARLING of the wizarding world, Harry Potter, 20, got married in a ceremony full of gliteratti yesterday.
Among the VIPs present were Minister of Magic, Percy Weasley; Weasley Wizard Wheezes creator, Fred and George Weasley; and the fabulously wealthy dingbat Draco Malfoy, with his soul mate, Gregory Goyle.
The ceremony; owing no doubt to Potter's unusual knack for attracting bad luck, started off with a hitch, with best man, Ronald Weasley, getting drunk and climbing up the church roof chanting, "Oyoyoyoyoyay, I am Tarzan of the jungle, you could be my friend...."
An exclusive source who shall remain anonymous heard a conversation between Mr Potter and Mr Malfoy:
Draco Malfoy: Entering the pacing marathon, Potter?
Harry Potter: Shut up, albino.
~PAUSE~
Harry Potter: Malfoy, I really need you to become the best
man, please?
Draco Malfoy: I'm flattered Potter, but where's your boyfriend, Weasley?
Harry Potter: Ron isn't my boyfriend, and he's up on the
roof singing that Tarzan crap.
I think he's gotten to christmas carols now, though, or it could be a really
lousy version of 'Greased Lightning'
Oh, worse! He could be doing the dance steps, too!
*slaps head*
~END OF CONVERSATION~
With the problem of best man solved, nothing could go wrong, except when a Mr Dobby, a house-elf, burst into the church saying that the priest had been taken to Azkaban for inappropriate behaviour with a tree.
Immediately a discussion ensued between Mr Dobby, Mr Sirius Black, Mr Malfoy and Mr Potter. It was then decided that Mr Dobby sit in Mr Black's place, Mr Black become best man and Mr Malfoy become the priest. Mr Malfoy immediately opposed the decision, only to be told by Mr Potter that,
"With collars like that on my dress robes, Malfoy, I'd sue the designer."
But Harry Potter found his troubles were not over when the maid of honour, Miss Hermione Granger, called his cell phone all the way from Bulgaria. This is what Miss Granger, better known as the president of the House-Elf Liberation Front, had to say:
"I broke up with that horny bastard; Percy, yesterday; got drunk; and now I'm in bed with Viktor Krum and I don't give a hooters what happens to your sorry ass, Potter."
The wedding of the century now looked as if it would never happen, as the clock neared a minute to thirteen o'clock when the wedding would start.
It was then the beautiful Miss Cho Chang, an old flame of Harry's (read all about it in Witch Weekly), burst into the church. It was immediately agreed that Miss Chang (or whatever her surname is) become the maid of honour, with an agreement that a 45 minute speech be made in memory of Mr Cedric Diggory at the wedding.
And so, the wedding of the century started, with Mr Black as best man, Miss Chang as maid of honour and Mr Malfoy as priest. Courtesy as Mr Dedalus Diggle, it rained stars in the church after the reception.
Much later, Mr Potter, arm in arm with his bride, left the church. As he walked down the steps, our reporter managed to catch up with him and asked how he felt:
"I'm the happiest guy in the world," said Mr Potter, smiling, as he stole a glance at his slender bride:
'The Firebolt'.
We also caught up with Mr Ronald Weasley, at the entrance.
"Mr Weasley, have you ever thought about a singing career?" we asked,
"Yes, I think I do have a ringing ear," was his reply.
~ THE BLOODY END ~
