Eradication
Episode One of the Lich King Saga
The Frozen wastes of Northrend were cold...very cold. In fact, they were so cold you might say that they were the perfect temperature to keep ice cream in. This was untrue, as the ice cream bucket would most likely freeze to a point of shattering—and I know plastic doesn't freeze, but plastic hasn't been invented yet! Ice cream buckets are still made from glass.
As cold as the frozen wastelands were, they were nowhere as cold as Arthas's, or should we say, the Lich King's heart. Since the fight against Illidan at the frozen throne, Arthas was never quite himself again. Sure, he enjoyed going out and setting flame to unexpecting villages just to raise their dead into his armies, but the sheer pleasure of this seemed to be lost. I suppose when one's soul is binded with an ancient orcish shaman who engineered the bane of all living life to appease his demon masters, then one doesn't get the job satisfaction that he used to.
None of these semi-philosophical thoughts occurred to Arthas today. Today, Arthas (and coincidently Ner'zhul) was thinking about how strange undead gnomes were. Normal gnomes were strange enough, but when combined with rotting limbs, pale skin, and a want to poison living creatures, it was enough to creep even the Lich King himself out.
Sighing, he called in his personal assistant Gruk to the frozen throne room. The Lich King never knew if Gruk was his real name or not. Gruk was simply what the assistant had said when he had been asked his name. Of course, he had just been brought back from the dead two seconds prior to this question, and gruk was one of the things that people tended to say when newly raised from the dead.
"Gruk! Good to see you," Arthas said, from behind his icy mask. "I need to talk to you about gnomes!"
"Gnomes, sir?"
"Yes, gnomes. Living or not living, as a matter of fact. Well, they'd actually both be living in this case, as undead is still a form of life…anyways, discussing what our undeath is or is not is not why I called you here," Arthas looked from side to side around the room. "You see, Gruk…the thing is, gnomes creep me out. And I want them all killed,"
"Milord, you want everyone killed, and then raised into undeath. Why would I expect gnomes to be any different?" Gruk asked, reattaching an arm that had just fallen off.
"No, you miss my point. I want ALL the gnomes dead. Even ours. Everyone. Gnomes. Dead." Arthas said, nodding at points so that Gruk would understand completely.
Gruk looked at Arthas for a second. "Our gnomes, sir? Are you sure? They are valuable asset to our—"
"YES! I want the damned gnomes dead!" Arthas said. "They creep me out, and they creep out Ner'zhul too!" Arthas was silent for a second. "Yes, right." He said to no one. "Oh, and Ner'zhul wants Mexican food for lunch, as well,"
Still a bit confused, Gruk bowed low, his face falling onto the frozen ground below his head as he did. Picking it up, he turned around and walked out of the throne room. "I guess…if the Lich King wants the gnomes dead, then they die…" he walked into his room to think of creative ways to kill all the undead gnomes that Arthas hated.
Three days later, an army of undead gnomes stood outside the human city of Stormwind. With drool running down their mouths, they were all prepared to perform a suicide rush to the human city. The sun rose above the towers of the city, and the gnomes began their charge. Shouting things like "Brains" and "Flesh", the undead midgets quickly overwhelmed the guards in front of the city.
Looking upon this battle with old stern eyes, General Marcus Jonathan stood at the entrance to the city. With a sigh, he spoke up. "I knew this day would come. I knew it was just a matter of time before an army of undead gnomes came to burn down our fair city." He turned around, and flipped a switch on the walls of Stormwind.
With an extremely loud kaboom, he bridge that lead across the lake in front of Stormwind blew up, sending undead gnomes flying everywhere. The gnomes that still had to reach the bridge just ran off it, falling into the water below and drowning. "Fortunately, I had prepared for the day. Everyone knows undead gnomes can't swim."
And the celebration of Stormwind's victory over the undead gnomes was great. Many beers were drunk, and many Night Elves strip danced. The only problem was that without the bridge, people now had to pay a two silver fee to hire a gryphon master to fly them across the water.
The wooden doors (which were frozen over with ice) of the throne room burst open. "Lord Arthas!" a Lich shouted. "Lord Arthas! The attack on Stormwind failed! The damned general Marcus Jonathan outsmarted us once again!" he shouted again.
"And the gnomes?" Arthas asked, his voice even. "What happened to the gnomes?"
"They've all drowned…or were blown up…and now being used for fertilizer in the humans' fields." The Lich reported.
"YES!!! SCORE ONE FOR ARTHAS THE LICH KING!" Arthas said, jumping out of the Frozen Throne to dance. A disco ball came down from the ceiling, and the lights all dimmed, leaving Arthas doing his manly dance in the dark.
"Sir, you wanted the gnomes to die?" the Lich asked.
"Of course, they creeped me out," Arthas replied, still dancing. "Now, begone. I must plan the next phase of my plan." Arthas said. With a bow, the Lich left, slamming the doors. Two seconds later, the doors opened again.
"Milord!" Gurk shouted. "Your finest Death Knight is here to see you!"
"Send him in!" Arthas replied, still dancing.
A chill spread over the room, and the disco ball broke due to the cold. With a groan, the iron doors that Arthas had put in creaked open, and an icy mist spread through the room. Death weighed heavily on the mist, and it was obvious that the being who created it had great power. Slowly, the figure who created it came in.
"Oh. My. God." Arthas said, breaking off his dance to look at the Death Knight. "YOU'RE A GNOME!" he shouted, pointing.
"Yes, it is I! The powerful Magkog, first of the Death Knights!" the undead gnome said, hoisting his rune blade high into the air. "I have come to discuss the slaughter of those like me with you, my Lich King!"
"KILL IT!" Arthas shouted. With that command, the doors opened again, and slowly in crept thousands of corpses, barely able to stand. "KILL IT!!" Arthas screamed again.
"Wait, what's going on?" the gnome Death Knight shouted. As the hundred corpses surrounded the gnome, it began screaming in terror. "NOOO!!" It shouted. "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD!!" When the gnome was nothing more than a few crumbs, the living corpses crept out.
"That was a close one," Arthas said. With a sigh, he returned to his chair to read the Sunday paper.
