AN

Hey guys. I know you're all waiting for my other story, but I feel last night's episode deserves something. I hope you like this. If you guys are like me, you were bawling when JJ said Emily had died.

"A goodbye is never painful unless you're never going to be able to say hello again."

Fidelity. Bravery. Integrity.

That wasn't enough, he though wryly. She was so much more than that. Loving, gentle, protective, beautiful, kind. She always knew what to say, always had something to make you laugh. Reid put a hand over his eyes as he realized he was crying again. It wouldn't seem to stop. He knelt down in front of Emily's tombstone and placed a hand flat against the cold stone. It still didn't seem real. Some irrational part of his brain (and Spencer Reid had never been an irrational man) still expected her to be there. The split second before he would enter the BAU office and see their desks, he expected her to be sitting there on a phone call, or throwing taunts at Morgan. Every time he saw her empty desk it hit him again, like a freight train.

She was gone. She was never coming back. Not like JJ could. JJ had just gotten another job, they could see her any time. They could never see Emily again.

Reid sniffed and swiped a hand under his nose.

"Emily," he said on a sob. "I..." he pressed his trembling lips together, not sure what to say. The obvious thing to say, of course, was, "I miss you. It doesn't...it doesn't seem fair. You only ever did the right thing. I do-don't understand." He wiped a shaking hand under his nose again. "I still expect to see you sometimes...I can't really grasp that idea that...that you're gone. It seems like you were just here. You were...one of my best friend's...and I miss you...all the time."

He had to stop. His throat had closed painfully from the tears. For awhile he just sat there and let himself cry. He could see her, when he closed his eyes. Her smile, her eyes sparkling in laughter. It felt like he was choking on his own heart.

Of everything he had seen in his life, all the lives lost, stolen, this seemed to most unfair. Emily had only ever helped people. She would have, she did, do everything to protect the ones she loved. To protect an innocent little boy from a corrupt life. To protect her family from a monster.

"I wish I could tell you," Reid started when he could speak again. "How much your friendship meant to me. How much...I admired you. I wish I...I could have said goodbye to you. I wish I could ha-have seen you one last time...And that I'll never forget you. I love you, Emily..."

Reid pushed himself off the ground, not caring to wipe the dirt from his knees.

The sun escaped from behind a cloud and suddenly it was warm. And it smelled like spring. And it didn't hurt so much. Reid closed his eyes and lifted his face so the sun shone on it, and he took a deep breath of the fresh air. And somehow, he felt like Emily could feel the sun on her face too, and she could smell the spring air, and she knew he missed her.

And he felt like he had finally gotten to say goodbye.