Usagi: who wants to read a parody??
Sora: I do!
Usagi:...I thought you hated my fics...
Sora: only when I'm in them.
Usagi: ook... Well anyway. Welcome readers and people listening to others reading this out loud, to the newest fanfic of Usagi-Zakura, and the very first for the Soul Nomad fandom!
Zakura: can you try liking something and NOT ridiculing it?
Usagi: ... but making fun of things is fun! I don't want to do parodies of things I don't like or I'm sure to get a lot wrong... So instead I take fandoms I like, put them on the head or just make the characters extremely nuts.
Zakura: that won't be so hard.... Looking at the characters that already are in Soul Nomad.
Usagi: Talk to the tail, the ears don't want to listen anymore.
Anyway, if you like random humor, please enjoy Soup Nomad and the World Thingies!
Chapter 1.
The Happy Adventures of Gig and What's-her-name
Once upon a time on an undisclosed location, two young girls were training.
"Gah! This is so irritating!" one of the girls said. A green-haired girl with horns and hoves. "I'm old enough now you know! We both are! We've been training forever! I'm totally ready to become a full fledged Chef!"
"Er…Danette. Don't you mean Sepp Warrior?" her red-haired human friend asked.
"That's what I said. Veterinarian. But Lady Layna still won't let me babysit her pet hamster!" Danette complained.
"She did. Last week. And you fed it rat poison so it died" the red-haired girl said.
"It's all your fault! You're too weak, that's why she won't take me seriously" Danette said.
"…" The other girl gave up.
"Fine whatever. If she thinks we need more training, let's have our 1083. Training session!" Danette said, drawing her swords. "Or wait….was it 1542? 931?"
"It's our 2327. session" The other girl said.
"Oh what you know? Let's just say it's our 1000. Time!" Danette said.
"2327!" her friend said.
"1000!"
"2327!"
The human girl pulled a sword and attacked Danette, the two were brawling for a few hours, until they both passed out because of the pain and several broken bones.
A bell went of, and Danette suddenly woke up.
"Lady Layna's summoning bell! She must be awake" she said.
"It could just be her wake up bell" the human girl said.
"We'll settle this argument later. Come on! I don't want to be late!" Danette said, ignoring her friend's comment completely.
Two days later the two girls appeared in front of Lady Layna. Who was reading a book when they arrived.
By the time the girls arrived, Layna looked up from her book, noticing they were both injured, and raised an eyebrow.
"What have you been doing? Revya, did Danette forget your name again?" she asked.
"No (or well she kind of did)…this was about how many training sessions we've had" the red haired Revya said.
"You've had two. Every other fight you've had have been silly arguments because Danette just so happens to have a bad memory" Layna said. "And you end up severely injured after all of them… I really wished you'd sto….KNOCK IT OF!" she shouted as Revya and Danette started fighting again.
"But she ate my chocolate!" Danette complained.
"It was my chocolate! It even had my name on it! Not that you'd remember…" Revya said.
Layna hit both in the head with a staff.
"It's been ten long years since I brought you here" Layna said when she decided they were both paying attention. "Today I shall grant you the weapons you need to protect our home…as long as you promise not to kill one another with it".
Danette looked up, the pain of her injures suddenly forgotten.
"Does that mean... You're finally going to make us groundskeepers?" she said. "And of course I won't kill Susie, she's my best friend."
"My name's not Susie… Okay" Revya said, as Layna held up her staff again, ready to hit.
"That's right. You'll be given power to protect those who can't protect themselves" Layna said, and used her staff to summon a bunch of weapons. "Now Danette, chose your weapon".
"Oh oh! I want this one!" Danette said and picked out the sickle sword. "I chose the Rocket Lancher!"
"We don't have one…but okay. That is really called the whisper of tranquillity, but you can call it rocket launcher if you like…and for you I only have this" Layna said and summoned a black sword for Revya.
"Why don't I get to chose?" Revya asked.
"It's all I have left" Layna said.
"What about all those weapons you just showed Danette?"
"I already donated them to needy children. TAKE THE DARN ONYX SWORD!" Layna yelled.
"Okay okay, geez" Revya said and grabbed the sword handle.
Suddenly the sword started giving of a dark glow, and laughed manically.
"Holy crap that took 200 years, two days and 34 minutes! Pick up the paste old hag!" the sword said. "So this is my sacrificial lamb huh? It's kind of girly but it's definitely got potential."
"Indeed. It has been many years, days and minutes Gig" Layna said. "I've also waited for this day."
"Lady Layna? What is this? What's going on with that sword and why don't I get such a badass weapon?" Danette asked.
"200 years, to days and 35 minutes ago I gazed into a dark shadow, and it gazed back… Then I put it in that sword because it was an asshole, and tried to destroy the world" Layna said. "And you're not getting one because you'd just go insane and go of and kill everyone with it."
"Oh come on. No one's that stupid" Danette said.
"How strong can he be if he got beaten by an old lady in one minute?" Revya asked, before she was suddenly wacked in the head by Layna and the sword.
"What are you talking about kid? I'm the biggest ass-kicker this world has ever known! But hey you can call be Gig" the voice said. "Also I'm taking over your body."
"No way! This is my body! I need it for seducing!" Revya complained.
".... Doubtfull" Gig replied.
"What do you know about it? You live in a sword, you don't even have eyes" Revya said.
"Then can I borrow yours?" Gig asked.
"....Fine, but only for a short time period so you can gaze upon my undying beauty" Revya said.
And so Gig packed up his things (whatever he was actually keeping inside the sword) and moved into Revya's head.
"Well this is certainly a lot better than that old sword" he said. "And for the record kid, it wouldn't hurt to eat less chocolate. Geez, you're obese!"
"Hey! Get out here and say that to my face!" Revya complained.
"I don't have a face. In fact I don't even have a body thanks to the hag here" Gig said, while Layna was chuckling. "So I guess that means we're soul-mates now."
"Well this stinks" Revya said.
"Ah you'll get used to it. Otherwise you could hope you get killed by one other master of death so that Gig can just take over your body full-time, then you won't have to worry about it" Layna said.
"Yeah that would work too" Gig said.
"Dream on. Can I kill him?" Revya asked.
"Not without killing yourself" Layna said. "Oooor have him use up all of his powers fighting some giant God of another world and somehow NOT use the chance to kick you out and steal your body but there's no way in hell that's ever going to happen.
I gave you that sword for a reason. Of all the children that have passed trhough this village only you were fitting to fuse with Gig…"
"Couldn't you at least have chosen a boy? I mean this feels kind of odd…"
"… and save the world from the evil world eaters. Even now you can hear the cry of the world…"
"…do I have to bring him with me all the time? What about when I'm going to the bathroom or taking a shower?"
"… if we don't destroy these world eaters soon surely it would mean the end of our world. Too few souls are coming trhough the cycle of rebirth…"
"If he had a nose I'm pretty sure he'd be nosebleeding right now!"
"Hey! Do I look like some kind of pervert??" Gig complained.
"…less and less babies are born…" Layna continued as if no one had ever said anything.
"How should I know? I've never seen you!" Revya said.
"…if this goes on…are you even listening?" Layna asked.
"I was Lady Layna" Danette said.
"Good. Then get out, I'm tired of listening to you fighting, Danette can tell you what I just said later" Layna said, pushing them out the door. "The first world eater is close to Raide. Good luck."
Revya gazed at the door.
"What were we supposed to be doing again?" She asked.
"Er….something about a world thingy…" Danette said.
"I'm pretty sure she means we should go over to the world eater, convince it to join us and then use it to destroy the world" Gig said and laughed manically.
"Hey that doesn't sound like such a bad idea!" Revya said.
"Now, hold on a second! We're not on the demon-path yet! We're supposed to be the heroes!" Danette said.
"Aaaaw" Revya and Gig both said in unison.
"Well alright then. Let's get on with this saving the world business so I can get on with killing everyone and found my own phony religion based on pure insanity" Revya said.
"You know you could just sign over your body to me, I can kill those world eaters with one flick of my finger" Gig said.
"No way! The moment you get my body you'll probably just run of to the nearest mirror and undress so you can see me naked!" Revya complained.
"I already told you, you're not my type! Why would I want to see you naked??" Gig complained.
"For all you know I just look fat because of all the clothes I'm wearing…" Revya said.
"Jenny! Stop trying to seduce the demon in your head and let's get going already!" Danette said.
"MY NAME'S NOT JENNY!"
--
A while later both girls arrived, covered in bandages at a clearing, in the middle of which stood a huge monstrous woman…all dressed in black and with a laptop in front of her.
"Writing angsty journals on DeviantArt again?" Gig said. "How is she even able to do that when the laptop is smaller than her hands…?"
"HOLY SHIT that's huge!" Danette yelled.
"You don't mind putting on a giant sign saying "Heroes over here, please kill" do you?" Revya asked.
"I'm out of paper" Danette admitted. "But I could just write it on the ground with my rock…"
"Hey! You there!"
A couple of knights suddenly came up to them.
"What are you doing here?" their leader asked.
"We were going to kill the world eater?" Revya said.
"What? You two? No way. We're here to guard the world eater so we can't let you get close" the knight said.
"Why are you guarding it? Isn't it like…an enemy of the world or something?" Revya asked, trying to ignore Gig who was whispering "Kiiiiill hiiiim" in her head.
"… That's none of your business. We can't let you get close or it might get annoyed and kill everyone" the knight said.
"Actually it looks about ready to kill itself; I mean it has a rope around its neck" Revya said.
"It will be easy. He's not even wearing his helmet!" Gig said, who was still going on about killing the poor guy.
"Actually, Galahad… I saw it eating several sleeping pills earlier" one of the other knights said.
"Just take your sword, and shove it down his neck, lets see how long it takes till he bleeds to death" Gig said.
"Don't take their side!" Galahad said. "That thing is totally ready to destroy the whole planet if we as much as touch it so don't…."
"I'll even teach you a really badass move you can use" Gig said.
"What is that creepy voice that wants to kill me?" Galahad asked.
"Just the leader of the world eaters who was sealed away in a sword 200 years, two days and 45 minutes ago" Revya said. "Just ignore him; I'm hoping he'll go away if we do."
"Fat chance kid. I'm inside your head" Gig said. "Also if you want a friendly suggestion, I'm pretty sure Feinne has a box with scarlet iago-bacteria hidden around if you want to make it really painful."
"O…kay" Galahad said, and decided to take Revya's advice of ignoring Gig. "Well anyway, I can't let you get any close to the w…"
More he wasn't able to say because Danette suddenly kicked him at the back of his head, which with her hooves was very painful, and Galahad fainted.
"Now can we fight the world thingy?" she asked.
"What about the other guards?" Revya asked.
"Oh I killed them when no one was watching" Danette said, pointing to a pile of corpses behind her.
"Did I get put in the wrong body or what…?" Gig said.
Usagi: So ends the first chapter of Soup Nomad.
Gig: Hey...
Usagi: what?
Gig: wanna kill Sora?
Sora: ...
Usagi: not now Gig... Please review if you like this random nonsense! And lets just hope Feinne doesn't commit suicide before the next chapter.
Zakura: that won't be a problem. Hardly anyone in Soul Nomad ever stays dead anyway.
Usagi: which can be a good thing, since all my favourite characters appear to be dying no matter what I watch...
